Student in my 2nd year of university and 6 weeks pregnant

[student13]

Hi,

This is A. and I will be turning 24 years old soon.

I am facing a real challenge these days, maybe the toughest one that I've ever been going through in my life, and I would be grateful if anyone could share another perspective.

I have been talking to several people but I guess I didn't hear something that I would like to or maybe I am not wise enough to understand it.

 

I will begin by saying:

I am an international student in Denmark, I have been studying here for the last 4 years.

I came to Denmark in 2013, when I was 19. At first, I was studying 2 years of a bachelor degree which I wasn't convinced that I like it and thanks to the free educational system here, I decided to change it. Therefore, now I am in my second year of the second bachelor I began in September 2016.

The bachelor that I am enrolled in lasts 3 years and a half (7 semesters) and right now I am going within the 4th semester. I was truly satisfied with the marketing programme that I am studying right now and I was aware of the potential opportunities that I could have in the future, as I have always wanted my own business.

 

I believe I expected my life to come in the perfect order for myself: school, career, boyfriend, relationship and family.

But right somewhere I guess I messed it up, when last summer I found someone I really like and I decided to give into more effort, other than I would put in a casual fling as I used to do.

The guy is 27 years old and living in my home country (Romania). He's got a job and career plans for the future as well.

And so, I got into a relationship with this guy one month ago (when I went for the last Christmas in my home country) after we have been talking and getting to know each other for maybe a little less than a half of a year.

Yes, that's right. This is a long-distance relationship between us...Personally, I have never believed in this kind of relationship but I really like him as a whole.

Everything was going great until I found out yesterday that I am pregnant in 6 weeks. I know I tend to act dramatic more than I should but when I got it confirmed at the doctor, my entire world crushed suddenly.

I love children, I always wanted my own later in life when I was going to be done studying and financially stable.

As I can't keep things to myself, I have told my mother, boyfriend and 2 other guy friends.

My mom is devastated and disappointed at the same time as she always saw me as being responsible. Still she knows that it must be hard for me to go with an abortion, as she herself had one. I saw her regretting it and I have promised myself I would never get one.

Still she said I can do whatever I will decide for myself, either keep the baby or get an abortion.

 

But beside her, everyone else went with the abortion suggestion. Sure, that would be great not taking the responsibility and just get the abortion, finish the school, get a full time job and then have other children. Yes, my boyfriend said that he could make the effort and be supportive but he says that he thinks about me and my priorities. Also, he believes in this idea that the parents should be together for the sake of a baby and not apart.

 

I don't know what it will happen in the future, I can't tell him for sure... *I will keep the baby, stay in Denmark for 3 years more, manage to finish the school and raise the baby by my own, then come back to Romania and live forever with him*. And he knows that as I told him.

 

Maybe I am being stubborn and trying to mess my future only because I have been irresponsible.

 

It would be hard, me giving birth here alone, raise it without any financial and emotional support. I am only having a part time job right now, I need to find an internship soon as the school requires for the 4th semester. If I would manage to finish 2 years out of the programme, I would wait a year to go back to school. Then during the next summer, I would be 6-8 months pregnant and trying to work full time to save up money for the baby.

But this is just a fantasy...If I could want to keep the baby.

 

My boyfriend told me it is fine to get an abortion as long is it is tiny and won't feel pain and that later on when the time is right, he wants a child with me.

Still I feel like no matter what I would do there will be a price for everything.

 

If I will keep it, maybe there will be nasty days without having things to provide for my baby, agony mostly for her/him. I never had a good relationship with my father as he used to be violent (verbally and physical until I left for studies abroad), I know he won't react well at all as he will be embarrassed because of me, I will be -shamed and mostly he won't forgive me at all, my mother and younger sister will have to suffer because of what I have done

And if I will go for the abortion, nothing will be the same knowing what I have done. I know how my consciousness works, I will regret it all my life and I will probably be wondering about all the things I didn't let them happen. My self-esteem won't be the same, sex won't work as before and probably the relationship will be over as well. Seeing the partner and remembering what I have done won't be easy at all.

 

In 2 days, I am having an appointment at the doctor, I am scared. I don't have much time to gather all the information to support my decision, neither to build all the self-confidence that I will need.

 

What would you do if you were me?

 

 

 

 

I know it has been a long small written story so I must say thank you for your time,

A.

[Hollyj]

I have had an abortion. Personally. I do not regret it, as I was too young, hadn't finished school, didn't have a committed relationship or an adequate job to support the child. I did what i thought was best for the child, as I thought it deserved the best opportunities. But, this is my perspective, and you have to do what you believe is best for your child.

 

I wish you the very best with such an important decision.

[Snny]

You don't seem keen on an abortion, and therefore should not go through with it. There's adoption as an option. I don't know what your education system is like in your country but with online school, is more manageable.

[IAmFCA]

Y'all i don't know that I've ever said this before, but I've had three. I'm at once ashamed of that and understanding of it.

 

I've had two children since then. Easy. Glad i didn't have them earlier in my life. No medical complications.

 

Whatever you choose. choose it with conviction.

[Hollyj]

Y'all i don't know that I've ever said this before, but I've had three. I'm at once ashamed of that and understanding of it.

 

I've had two children since then. Easy. Glad i didn't have them earlier in my life. No medical complications.

 

Whatever you choose. choose it with conviction.

 

Nothing to be ashamed about. You made the best decision for you at that time.

[DanZee]

I hate abortions, but you were with this guy for what? Two weeks? You don't know him, and you don't know if he's even going to be around and be a father. You're having a fantasy that you're going to eventually move home and marry this guy. I didn't hear him agreeing to this in your story. And what about child support? Is he going to support the child? And how are you going to support yourself and the child? I think if you keep the baby you have to give up school and go home to your parents. You can't afford to hire a babysitter when you need to go to classes and to do your internship.

 

My advice is have the abortion and dump this guy for a real boyfriend, or go back home and have the baby. I don't see how you're going to be able to follow the plan you're thinking of with a baby.

[IAmFCA]

Abortion is not being irresponsible.

 

There is a theme in your words of carrying this pregnancy to term as if it is the only responsible choice, as if it is a burden you deserve, punishment and just reward for getting pregnant.

 

I think that is irresponsible thinking, akin to throwing good money after bad. I read about NOT terminating the pregnancy. I don't read about adoption, child rearing, how you would arrange your life. Please do not make a lifelong choice as punishment to yourself.

[Clio]

In my opinion, based on what you wrote, at this point in your life you are not in a good place to have a child. Obviously, there is a price to pay no matter what you choose. However, if one doesn't have the means to provide for a happy childhood and they know this from the get go, then it is my personal opinion that they shouldn't bring a child into this world. You asked what we would do in your place. At 24, still in school for a first degree, with a boyfriend who is a long distance relationship of less than half a year, a family that includes an abusive father (i.e.problematic support system) and being alone far away from home, I would opt for abortion because I would feel that this is not a good situation to bring a child into. This is a difficult decision. Good luck!

[Snny]

I personally could not murder a baby, which is essentially what abortion is. If you made the adult choice to have sex, then the responsible thing is to have the baby and give it for adoption where a childless couple could raise it. If you think you will feel guilty about having an abortion (sounds like you will), then don't have it.

[IAmFCA]

I personally could not murder a baby, which is essentially what abortion is. If you made the adult choice to have sex, then the responsible thing is to have the baby and give it for adoption where a childless couple could raise it. If you think you will feel guilty about having an abortion (sounds like you will), then don't have it.

 

Well, I disagree with respect to the early stage level of development being the equivalent of a baby, in part because I miscarried - a personal example of the difference between pregnancy and birth.

 

That said, none of us can decide this for her.

 

OP, you absolutely have to look ahead when making your decision. What's done is done. Start from this moment and plan ahead. Your consideration MUST include a plan of action for how you move forward under every scenario, and you will benefit from some talk therapy or life coaching as well.

 

You are human and imperfect by definition. If you decide to raise this potential child, your child will also be imperfect. Learn to accept that imperfection is the human condition. How you deal with it is what defines you.

 

Punishment rarely helps anyone. Skill building does. You need some new skills right now, in the area of critical thinking. Getting pregnant by accident tells you you also need skills, perhaps in planning ahead, risk management, impulse control, taking responsibility for yourself before all others, even when it is a decision you would rather ignore.

 

These are skills that develop with effort and maturity. As a parent, you will need them daily.

[Seraphim]

Follow your heart. I think your heart knows what you want to do.

[tattoobunnie]

Getting an abortion is also taking responsibility for you life; being accountable for your future success. Don't make your decision based on other people's regrets.

 

I had one at 29, after much pressing from a guy I thought I spend my life with, only for him to dump me a week later after the abortion. Three years later, got back together with the love of my life, my husband, and we have two beautiful boys.

 

It will be impossible for you to attend school and care for a newborn, infant, toddler. Even night or online school, work, and full-time mom to a little baby, it's either one, or two, but you can't do three, unless you have full-time help from someone else, and even then, you still have 16 hours of care you need to provide when they aren't with a babysitter or daycare.

 

Having a kid because you might regret it like your mom should not guide your decision. You are young, and haven't established yourself career-wise, or with this guy.

[abitbroken]

Yes, my boyfriend said that he could make the effort and be supportive but he says that he thinks about me and my priorities. Also, he believes in this idea that the parents should be together for the sake of a baby and not apart.

 

There are plenty of parents who are not together --- married couples where one is in the military and they cannot be there when the baby is born, etc. and the parent only sees the child for a few weeks here and there until they can get transferred.

 

He may be saying its your choice because although he may want the baby he is afraid of being controlling by telling you that. To me, it would bother me that a guy wanted to have a baby with me but also say "but we'll get rid of this one and have one when we are really ready". I can tell you with different circumstances - secondary infertility, the years getting by you, etc, you never know if you will have another if you wait a number of years. I know in my case, we are desperately hoping for a baby - either naturally conceived or adopted and i can't get those early years back

 

There are wonderful outcomes for children who are adopted as infants by their adopted family. its something to consider. You can have the best of both worlds - have the baby, but also go forward in your education without raising a child if you decide that you don't want to raise a child. The child might have a better outcome being adopted out in Denmark vs Romania, however.

 

If you decide to raise the child - no one is ever "ready". Look into any sort of programs or assistance you can and look to see if the school has childcare services. Would your boyfriend be able to relocate for a year or two?

[Shania1234]

I have had 2 abortions.. one miscarriage and I'm currently goimg for a third abortion. am I happy about it? no. I cried after those two abortions they were three months apart and for the same man. all four pregnancies for the same man who treats me like I'm nothing and makes me feel worse about myself. I have decided it's time to let this go and I am scared of future pregnancies and not being able to get pregnant but I can't do this with him anymore. he's not supportive of the pregnancy and he suggested that we get pregnant to begin with verbally abusing me to get pregnant calling me old

now that I've become pregnant he is still distant and still very mean and cold. I need to be happy alone and work on myself and building what he has broken inside of me. I have had enough. and this is why i have decided to terminate and leave him for good. I am certain this decision is for the best

[Wiseman2]

Wait until you see the doctors/counselors. It sounds like you are homesick and grabbed onto this guy as a result. As you know becoming pregnant will not keep anyone in your life or assure you of a relationship, happy family, etc. In a fairy tale world he would be delighted, get down on one knee and propose and then adore you and your child happily ever after. However this is the time for mature rational decisions based on the current facts of the matter, not on anyone else's experiences.

I will be turning 24 years old. The guy is 27 years old and living in my home country (Romania). I got into a relationship with this guy one month ago (when I went for the last Christmas in my home country) after we have been talking and getting to know each other for maybe a little less than a half of a year.

[boltnrun]

Since this post is from January, the OP is sure to have made a decision by now. And at this point abortion would be unlikely as it would be past that point.

[Wiseman2]

Thanks for the heads up, it seems people do searches for key words and Shania1234 has reactivated several threads with the search term "pregnancy" in them.

Since this post is from January, the OP is sure to have made a decision by now. And at this point abortion would be unlikely as it would be past that point.