Swearing

[BlueEternity]

Do you find swearing unattractive in a partner? (To clarify, I'm not talking about swearing AT someone, but just using profanity in their presence)

How would you feel if a significant other asked you to stop swearing? Would you feel resentful? Judged? "Parented?" Would you do it?

Assuming that use of profanity isn't a dealbreaker in a relationship, is it productive to ask the other person to stop, or is it borrowing trouble? Are there better or worse ways to ask someone to stop swearing so much?

 

And yes, I definitely have a personal stake in this question (woman in 20s who'd like her guy to stop swearing so much), but I'm also interested in general discussion.

[Seraphim]

I can have a potty mouth at times ( taught to me by dad and the military) sometimes my husband will ask me to tone it down. I am not offended and can appreciate there are times he doesn’t want to hear it .

[Batya33]

It wouldn't work for me at a certain level of swearing. It's interesting - when I was pregnant my husband suggested that we both stop swearing so that when the baby came it wouldn't be a big adjustment. Interestingly -we did not swear a lot -either of us - but we did on occasion. I agreed with him and liked that it was a "we" thing. I might say to him that you feel uncomfortable when he uses words like that as often as he does. It's a sensitive subject. Is there some habit you can offer to change/work on in return?

[mustlovedogs]

My job and my industry swear a lot. I’ve been on texts with my boss dropping the f-bomb. I swear more than most people and I wouldn’t particularly like someone wanting me to stop swearing altogether.

 

I keep it situationally appropriate - not around kids, the elderly, new people - but in a comfortable situation, no, I won’t change.

[BlueEternity]

There's nothing he's mentioned--but that's kind of the thing, we are both very non-confrontational--so that doesn't mean that there isn't one.

 

As a person who basically never swears out loud, I have usually found that people tend to moderate themselves around me or occasionally apologize for swearing in front of me without me ever saying anything, so I'm kind of surprised that didn't happen--or maybe it did, and he got over it, because he swears around me more now than before we were dating.

[boltnrun]

I do find it off-putting when people swear every other word or use curse words as adjectives. I work with one kid who is always getting into his effin' car to go to effin' work and some effin' a-hole pulled in front of him on the effin' street and almost hit his effin' car. I mean, come on! Those words lose their effect when they're constantly used.

 

I will swear if I bang my elbow or spill a bowl of soup, and if I'm really, really angry I sound like a curse word record album. But for every day conversation? Nope.

 

I used to use terrible language until one day my husband came home with one of our children and told the child to "tell Mommy what you just said", and our child said "I dropped my effin' ice cream cone!" (the child used the actual word). And my husband looked and me and said "This is YOUR fault". He was right...I toned it down immediately.

[ThatwasThen]

The hubby and I both tell each other to cut it out when we have to. Neither of us takes offense to the 'suggestion.'

[milly007]

I think there's a time and a place for swearing.

 

I'm pretty sure there isn't a day that passes without me swearing at some point. I'm usually muttering it under my breath or while venting to a colleague at work. It's a way for me to vent my frustrations.

 

However, I'm similar to a poster above where I don't swear around certain people - I.e. - people I don't know, children, etc. You have to know your audience before you drop an f-bomb.

 

At the same time, I would find it off-putting if I was dating someone where every other word of theirs was an expletive.

 

And, I would also be bothered if I met a guy who never swore at all. I once met a guy like this. He never swore and was always perfectly behaved. I just didn't buy into the fact that he was was genuinely that good and well-mannered all of the time. It was almost over the top.

 

For me there has to be a happy medium, but what might be acceptable to me, may not be acceptable to others.

[j.man]

I curse a lot. I of course make an effort to scale it back in more formal social settings, but both where I come from and having been in the Army have kinda damned me to have a fairly dirty mouth.

 

If my lady were to ask me to tone it down around her family or friends she knew aren't to tolerant of it, I'd of course oblige. If she were to ask me to more generally, I'd have to ask, "You know who you're dating, right?"

 

Nothing wrong with not liking cussing. Best not to date someone with a sailor's mouth.

[Imho]

I view it as unattractive as well as embarrassing. I have a relative that swears constantly. When I asked her why she does that she told me she didn't swear. Soooo, while she was talking I started putting up counting fingers every time she said a curse word. When she asked what I was doing I told her counting her curse words. She said she did not realize she cursed that much. Now, she hasn't changed....lol...but I'm wondering if the person is aware of what's happening.

I would mention it because as I stated personally I find it embarrassing (especially if they were around my friends, family and coworkers) and you do represent your partner but I would find an unoffensive way to do it.

[Seraphim]

I can control mine as well. I can never do it at work because I care for kids and I don't usually do it in public and never in front of my inlaws because women are not allowed to swear according to my FIL.

[limichelle]

It depends on the swear word. I hate the C word but that dates back to trauma for me personally while it was being used.

 

But people who swear every other word I can't stand!

 

I try not to swear.

[Hollyj]

I hate the f word. I would not be comfortable with someone that uses that word on a regular basis. i don't understand the need for it, and agree with Imho : it is embarrassing and unattractive. None of my friends use that type of language, either.

 

There are many other words that can be used. I do admit, I do use it when I am alone. The c word is even more awful!

[Capttrae]

I cuss well like a sailor, go figure. There are times I try not to, like out to eat at a nice place or church, but it takes a conscious effort. Thankfully my ol lady has a mouth about like mine. Here on the boat I don’t think there’s a a moment somebody isn’t dropping the f bomb. It is literally the most versatile word in the English language. So no, if I was dating someone that had a problem with cussing or tried to scold me for cussing, they’d be gone

[melancholy123]

I swear as much as my husband does and it doesnt bother either of us. I dont drop the F bomb a lot, only when I'm mad or outraged. I don swear in front of my kids and would never use the F bomb around them even tho they are adults.

 

Swear words are just words. I've never figured out why some words are considered bad.

[Sportster2005]

You must have known this before you started dating? The bigger issue is dating someone with a habit you don't like, and then trying to change that behaviour after the fact. Bad idea.

 

Sure go ahead, ask him to change a behaviour up until now you've tolerated. He will probably be indignant, as he should be.

 

Whatever you tolerate in the beginning, you end up with in the end.

[BlueEternity]

You must have known this before you started dating? The bigger issue is dating someone with a habit you don't like, and then trying to change that behaviour after the fact. Bad idea.

 

Sure go ahead, ask him to change a behaviour up until now you've tolerated. He will probably be indignant, as he should be.

 

Whatever you tolerate in the beginning, you end up with in the end.

 

Here's the thing: He didn't swear this much before we started dated.

 

It's not like he would never swear, and then all of the sudden he started dropping f-bombs left and right. But before we started dating, he would only occasionally use mild profanity in front of me, and sometimes was clearly "editing" himself or a quote something someone else had said that had originally used stronger language. It seems like his use has slowly ramped up, both in terms of how frequently he uses profanity and in terms of which words he's willing to use in front of me. It's probably a combo of getting more comfortable around me and me not reacting that much to the profanity he or others do use. The thing is, I'm not going to freak out over the one-time use of most words, especially from his friends, his parents, people I don't know well, etc. I'm going to be polite and mentally file away what to expect from them. I don't want to be the word-police.