Pressure and timelines

[Abee86]

I met my boyfriend five months ago. We have a great relationship and we both feel as though we have known each other a long time. We are both in our 30’s.

 

Recently, the topic of future has come up. Being as both know what we want, be both have an idea where we would like to be with each other. The problem is, he is not comfortable with moving in together for at least two years of dating, but is also wanting me to consider having a baby in two year’s time. It is important for me to live with my partner and get married before bringing a child into the mix, as a child is a lifelong commitment that I am only willing to make if the relationship is solid. I am 32 now, and he believes that if I start at 35, I will be too old to have children and he is going to be too old to have (he is 3 years older than me). This causes me a lot of stress as I feel it is putting a major amount of pressure on me. It also upsets me that we will just have started living together when the baby will be born or conceived. It also makes me sad because I would like to say “I do” before there is a child, and enjoy a bit of married life. I also don’t feel that it’s fair that I would have to forego being a mother because he plans to get “snipped” at 40.

 

He would like to get a pet with me at the one year mark (puppy), but I can’t also see how we can both be effective dog parents together if we are living under different roofs.

 

I love him, and I want to enjoy a life with him, I would just like the pressure and expectations to be taken off of me and for us to live together sooner. Advice?

[Batya33]

My blunt and direct advice (well I guess I often am). He is NOT the person for you if you want a baby. Leave today and do not waste one more minute. Snipped at 40?? Are you kidding - what if it takes you years to get pregnant? Or you want a second?

 

My quick backstory -got back together with a long ago ex boyfriend when we were in our late 30s. Both wanted to marry each other and have a baby. Before I turned 41 we were serious but not engaged yet and not living together (to me living together is irrelevant unless it's part of a plan for a stronger emotional commitment or to save money right before marriage). I said we should start trying to conceive, he agreed, and we agreed that we'd push up a marriage plan earlier should I get pregnant. We were long distance at the time. It took 15 months for me to get pregnant naturally and we'd started preliminarily discussing outside intervention. But I got pregnant and we got married 5 months later and then relocated from my home city of 43 years 8 months after that. We had never really lived together for more than a few weeks at a time. Adjustment? Yes, sure but I also was a new mom, newlywed, newly unemployed for the first time in my adult life, and living in a new city for the first time. All new. Living together is not going to tell you much about what it will be like to live together with a newborn or a baby or a toddler, etc. Having said that I knew my husband for many years before we married from the past and we dated for a few years before marriage the second time around.

 

I was darn lucky to get pregnant in my early 40s (first time ever pregnant) and carry to term and have a healthy baby. And I would strongly suggest to anyone who would listen to have a baby earlier than I did because it was far riskier, far more emotionally stressful and I had a very scary medical condition (not post partum at all -I was a sleep deprived, cranky, over the moon with joy new mom) shortly after I gave birth because of my age - so if you possibly can have a child in your 30s, with a committed spouse, do it. (Not a fan of single mother by choice but it sounds like that is not what you are thinking of anyway).

 

Feel free to PM me.

[indea08]

You both seem to have forgotten that life doesn't happen according to your plan. You both (especially him) seem to have these concrete timelines for your lives but in reality, that's not how it works.

 

All you need to know is that he's open to changing his plan and taking steps forward when it feels right.

 

How could either of you possibly know what will be going on in 1-2 years? You can't plan your life years at a time, but you can be open to whatever will happen in that time.

[Seraphim]

Unfortunately life doesn't work out according to timelines or deadlines. It took 4 years to get pregnant after marriage for me. Although we had been having unprotected sex for nine years at that point . Really it took me nine years to get pregnant . I had my son five weeks short of my 31st birthday . My other four children were miscarriages .

 

In the same vein though my mother-in-law had my husband pretty late 30s . My grandmother had my mother when she was 40 and my mother's brother when she was 42 .

 

But if you really want children this may not be the person for you because like I said things don't work according to time .

[limichelle]

You both seem to have forgotten that life doesn't happen according to your plan. You both (especially him) seem to have these concrete timelines for your lives but in reality, that's not how it works.

 

All you need to know is that he's open to changing his plan and taking steps forward when it feels right.

 

How could either of you possibly know what will be going on in 1-2 years? You can't plan your life years at a time, but you can be open to whatever will happen in that time.

 

 

I whole heartedly agree with this!! OP I'm like you, everything on a certain time frame. As I've learned time throws unfortunately curve balls your way. Life is spontaneous not planned.

[Pleasedonot5]

His timeline is unrealistic... I mean can you sit him down and explain *logically* why moving in together comes before a baby/pet? And why getting a vasectomy at 40 is a weird rule to set - that should be secondary to your future together?

[Batya33]

I whole heartedly agree with this!! OP I'm like you, everything on a certain time frame. As I've learned time throws unfortunately curve balls your way. Life is spontaneous not planned.

 

When it comes to baby making I don't think spontaneity works well if the woman really wants to have the opportunity to try to have a biological child and she's pushing 35 or so (I realize the OP is a bit younger) - having said that certainly there's no way to know how long it will take or if it will work. That is why I would not get involved with a man planning on a vasectomy at age 40 if I was a person who really wanted to have the chance to have a biological child.

[tattoobunnie]

32 to 39 are great ages to get pregnant. He sounds like a total bafoon.

 

I'm with Batya - living together shows you nothing - you will not discover how committed he is to you, how hands on he will be with kids, how he will take care of you if you are sick with the kids - if will stay faithful to you when he's stressed out. He sounds like he's full of excuses, and everything is on his turf. I would not even go further - it's sounds like you are seeing is just the tip of the iceberg of his selfishness.

[Wiseman2]

It's way too soon for any pressure like this, it's 5 mos. The honeymoon period. Just date exclusively until at least a year. As you can see as time goes on you already have major incompatibilities. Never plot out your life during the very early dating stages. Instead dating is to get to know someone well enough for example to learn that marriage is not important to him.

I met my boyfriend five months ago.The problem is, he is not comfortable with moving in together for at least two years of dating, but is also wanting me to consider having a baby in two year’s time. It is important for me to live with my partner and get married before bringing a child into the mix

[reinventmyself]

You want one thing, he wants another.

Where is the compromise?

 

(I agree with the others bytheway. Too soon, too unrealistic)

And it does smack of him setting the goal posts either too high or too far away.

I don't know him but it seems he might know you won't except his conditions. . conditions by design.

[Seraphim]

It's way too soon for any pressure like this, it's 5 mos. The honeymoon period. Just date exclusively until at least a year. As you can see as time goes on you already have major incompatibilities. Never plot out your life during the very early dating stages. Instead dating is to get to know someone well enough for example to learn that marriage is not important to him.

I agree. 5 months is a bit soon to know if you want someone as your kids' dad. And what is this live apart but raise a puppy or kids stuff? What? So who is doing all the work? It sounds like he wants to be a part time animal guardian or parttime parent. Yeah, NO.

[MissCanuck]

This guy is living in Fantasy Land.

[katrina1980]

So let me get this straight.

 

He is not ready to live with you until you've been together two years, but yet he wants you to have his baby within this two year period? What the *.

 

This bozo sounds completely disconnected from reality.

 

Doesn't seem he understands the responsibilities of raising a child, and only wants one to prove what a "man" he is or something. A big ego trip.

 

There are men out there like this, they have many kids with many different women, fathering a child is like a notch on their belts. A big ego trip for them.

 

I cannot think of any other reason why he would pressure you into having his child after only five months dating, while not being "ready" for or desirous of a committed relationship with you for at least two years.

 

Anything can happen within two years; he could meet someone else, you could meet someone else, or you both could realize you're not compatible and part ways. And YOU now have a child to raise.

 

Make absolutely no sense. I'm even wondering if he has some mental issues, what he is proposing sounds utterly insane.

 

Stick to your guns, and do not allow him to manipulate you. You are being smart to wait until you're either married or living together in a committed RL before considering have a child together.

 

I don't know what his agenda is, but personally I wouldn't trust it.

 

I might even consider this a dealbreaker actually, he sounds nuts.

[katrina1980]

And to add, him telling you he will be too "old" to have a kid if YOU wait until you are 35 (he will be only 38) is a load of BS. He's trying to manipulate you.

 

Unlike women, men are able to father children well into their 50s and older.

 

And women are having kids in their 40s now.

 

He may not have the same energy at that age, but he is hardly too "old" to have one at 38 (if you wait three years).

 

He has another agenda OP. If you choose to proceed forward with him, tread very carefully and do not allow hm to manipulate you.

 

ETA: In case you haven't noticed, this thread has pissed me off, which doesn't happen very often.

 

This idiot is so full of crap, I am shocked you're unable to see through his bs, but you're in love so I get it.

 

Good luck.

[Batya33]

"And women are having kids in their 40s now."

 

That was true many years ago too. Here are the only relevant differences: now a woman can more successfully freeze her eggs and use them later and potentially carry a healthy pregnancy at an earlier age, now there is IVF which also allows a woman to get pregnant later, and now there are more interventions available for preemies than many years ago so even though there's an increased risk of pre-term labor when you get older (at least I think so) it can be dealt with more effectively. But the biological clock hasn't changed. What also changed is more women affirmatively delaying pregnancy for various reasons like career, or wanting a certain kind of partner (I think way back when women chose a marriage partner earlier on and didn't "settle" but also didn't have the same expectations because of the more limited roles they had as women), etc -I am not judging waiting at all - just stating the facts. I think it's a big mistake to compare to celebrities who have babies in their 40s and even 50s or to think that somehow the bio clock has actually been extended.

 

If egg freezing had been available when I was 32 (yes, I inquired) I would have done it. It's expensive from what I understand but certainly an option.

[katrina1980]

The OP is only 32 for heaven's sake. Her bf is 35.

 

They have only been dating FIVE months.

 

It's completely inappropriate for him to be pressuring her to have a baby now (within two years) while at the same time not wishing to be in a more committed RL with her until after they have been together at least two years. Who the hell knows where they'll be in two years, as I said anything can happen and they may break up within that time frame.

 

Yet, if she agrees to this outrageous agenda of his (to have a baby before commitment), and they break up, she's then got a baby to raise. This is nuts no matter how one wishes to spin it.

 

She wants to wait until they are in a more committed RL or married, her timeframe is three years which I think is reasonable and smart. Assuming they are still together and committed (or married).

 

In three years she will only be 35 and he will be 38.

 

35 is plenty young enough to have a child without posing a health risk to OP or her child.

 

That is what this thread is about. Not OP wanting to have a baby and he doesn't. Not OP wanting to wait until after she's 40 to have a baby and the health risks involved.

 

It's about her wanting to be in a more stable committed RL or marriage before having a baby and bf being completely unreasonable and pressuring her to have one now, within two years, before he is ready to commit.

[Batya33]

Completely agree. Just disagreed with your opinion on the change in the bio clock ticking. When I was 32 I embarked on what would essentially be a waste of 7 years with a wonderful man who wasn’t right for me. The time goes really fast. Especially on ones 30s for women who want a baby. 35 is fine and if you start trying then and there are issues all of a sudden it’s not as safe. I think as I wrote yet if she wants a baby ever she should end things with him today. Not tomorrow. Today.

Because if she thinks she wants to start trying at 35 and wants to wait till after the wedding the math doesn’t work out so well in her favor if she wastes any more time with this buffoon. I’m thrilled that we started trying well before the wedding. And fully recognize that that is not for everyone. Neither is limiting to one child (unless adoption is an option). For me it was awesome. And I’m a huge fan of women keeping options open especially at age 32. In my opinion the years speed by and then there’s lots of hand wringing at age 38.

 

I have a friend who froze her eggs at age 38. She met her future husband a year later. They’ve been married three years. They met on eharmony. He started reneging on his agreement to have a child in their first year of marriage. In their second year he started having panic attacks and a medical condition plus mental issues related to all of this. Now he’s basically gone off the deep end and she is devastated about all of this. Me too. She is lovely and he seemed like a god person (met him and his family at the large beautiful wedding). So no guarantees of course and it shows that waiting into ones 30s means not a whole lot of time to play with if a long term relationship doesn’t work out. Several friends had babies after age 35 and 40. And several made mistakes in their choices and missed their opportunities. I’d love to see the young OP move on from this guy and have the luxury of time.

[katrina1980]

I think she should end it with him today too, but for a different reason, the guy is not right in the head.

 

They have been dating only five months; he wants a baby within two years, pressuring OP about it, before he’s ready to fully commit. If that isn’t whacked I don’t know what is.

 

My step mom had two healthy and beautiful kids at 42 and 44. I know several other women who had women well into their 40s as well.

 

Not suggesting it’s ideal, but it’s better than committing to the wrong man too soon, having a baby and then divorcing.

 

Freezing eggs? This is an area I am not educated about, so have no comment about that. It also has zero to do with the subject of this thread.

 

There is always a risk to any pregnancy. A woman works with her doctor and takes the necessary precautions to assure a happy and healthy pregnancy and child.

 

If OP is hell bent on remaining in this RL, perhaps she can talk some sense into her bf, and convince him it’s best to wait until they know each other better (longer than five months), and are fully-committed or married (which is what the OP is wanting). This makes sense to me.

 

They both want a baby, which is good, they are on the same page about that.

 

He just wants one within two years, before being fully-committed which is unreasonable IMO.

 

She wants to wait until fully committed or married, which imo IS reasonable.

 

@ Batya, I am happy your choices have worked out positively for you.

[Batya33]

I agree that she should leave him for the same reasons as you. Obviously every pregnancy is a risk. I was talking about the extent of the risk. I was high risk because I was over 40 (and it might have been 35 that was the cut off not sure). A doctor can only do so much with a woman who is high risk with older eggs - there are "necessary precautions" in all pregnancies and more precautions with high risk older women and so much of it is in god's hands (or whoever you might believe is a higher authority!) especially in the high risk category. Freezing eggs prevents the aging of the eggs so that a 40 year old who thaws the egg will have an egg implanted that is the age at when she froze it as opposed to her age.

 

Freezing eggs has everything to do with the OP's concerns. She is concerned about her biological clock. Freezing eggs can obviate some of those concerns. Totally agree and I wrote that she should wait until she is fully committed or married. I wouldn't have ever been ok with a man telling me he wanted to have a baby before committing. It's different when the couple jointly decides to try to have a baby before they get married because of concerns, for example, about age, and jointly want to get married after they have the baby (or not) - it's a joint decision not as here where this guy is imposing his views on her in a controlling way.

[katrina1980]

Batya, we could probably go back and forth forever, but re her "biological clock" which you state OP was (is) concerned about, just read this entire thread again thinking I might have missed it, but did not see where she said or even suggested she is concerned about that.

 

OP posted that her *boyfriend* is the one concerned about her biological clock, NOT her. Telling her if she waits three years, until she is 35, she will be too old. And he will be too old at 38.

 

Which is a bunch of BS and simply not true. OP knows this too. She is only 32, still plenty of time.

 

As I said before, in my opinion he told her this (that she will be too old at 35) in an attempt manipulate her because for some crazy reason, HE wants a baby now, or within two years, before a full commitment is made.

 

She is young, again only 32, and wants to "wait" until more firmly committed or married. Which is smart.

 

Anyway, nuff said from me.

 

Night.

[Batya33]

Batya, we could probably go back and forth forever, but re her "biological clock" which you state OP was (is) concerned about, just read this entire thread again thinking I might have missed it, but did not see where she said or even suggested she is concerned about that.

 

OP posted that her *boyfriend* is the one concerned about her biological clock, NOT her. Telling her if she waits three years, until she is 35, she will be too old. And he will be too old at 38.

 

Which is a bunch of BS and simply not true. OP knows this too. She is only 32, still plenty of time.

 

As I said before, in my opinion he told her this (that she will be too old at 35) in an attempt manipulate her because for some crazy reason, HE wants a baby now, or within two years, before a full commitment is made.

 

She is young, again only 32, and wants to "wait" until more firmly committed or married. Which is smart.

 

Anyway, nuff said from me.

 

Night.

 

Yes, you are right on that point. And she also wrote:

 

I also don’t feel that it’s fair that I would have to forego being a mother because he plans to get “snipped” at 40.

 

 

So on that front, given her age and bio clock around the corner when she turns 35, having only a few years to get pregnant because of his vasectomy plans makes no sense. It's weird to begin with but even stranger given his timing (i.e. if they were 10 years younger and he wanted to stop having biological kids at 40 -or even all kids, sure, i guess so but this is ridiculous.

 

My point was -if she stays with him now knowing how he is she is wasting her most fertile years or some portion of it. And she stated she absolutely 100% wants to try to conceive a biological child in the future.

[katrina1980]

Abee wrote:

>>I love him and want to enjoy a life with him, I would just like the expectations and pressure to be off of me and for us to live together sooner.

 

_____

 

Abee, if you are still reading, all you can do is talk to him. Calmly and rationally. Tell him exactly what you told us in the above quote.

 

No accusations, no shaming, just honest disclosure about how you feel about what he is proposing, that you love him and want to have a child "eventually", but having a baby before a full commitment is made (and spending some time afterwards enjoying each other) does not work for you. Explain why.

 

Again, it's only been five months; how you feel makes so much sense, if you explain your feelings without accusations and shaming, I cannot imagine him not understanding that. Or at least trying to. Encourage him to share his feelings with you too. About why he feels the way he does.

 

If he does not, well, he's just given you some important info about himself. And you re-think if he is someone to go the distance with.

 

What I am wondering is, why he's not open to the idea of committing (living together) until "after" you've been together two years?

 

Is that some magicical formula time frame in his mind or something?

 

Full commitment (which for you means living together leading to marriage) should come when you have spent enough time together to know that this is someone you wish to go the distance with.

 

For some couples, it can be as little as six months (or sooner). For other couples, it could be six years (or longer).

 

The important thing is that you are on the same page as to when you both feel comfortable committing.

 

For me, I would be more concerned about "that" rather than the time frame within which to have a child. First things first. As another poster said, he's putting the cart before the horse.

 

Commitment first. Baby second. Not the other way around, again makes no sense to me.

 

Honest communication is so powerful Abee. I recently learned this myself after experiencing a conflict with my BF and successfully resolving it through communication.

 

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

 

ETA: Apologies for my earlier posts, I was a bit wound up at first, but realized my attitude probably wasn't helping you.

[Batya33]

Yes I agree with this - totally what worked for us on our case too and so far so good - and hope you were able to talk to him. Unfortunately in our 30s for those of us who want the opportunity down the road to have a baby that becomes a significant factor in who we choose to invest our time and emotions in. He is already showing you how rigid he is and my sense is it would carry over into how he would behave as a husband and father.