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SEND HELP!! Early stages of dating.. should I still put the effort in when he is multi dating?

SarahVV

By SarahVV
in Dating Advice

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SarahVV Apprentice

SarahVV

Posted
Posted

Ok... I will give it a go: I met this guy online (we have been speaking for two months prior) we met up finally at Christmas and had a great time, we went on a second date two days later and spend 4 days together for New Years. He messages and calls during the week but at the weekend he seems to go off the radar. He is keen and enthusiastic to go on a third date but I live 3 hours away from him so it isn't easy. I will be free to see him again in 2 weeks. We Skyped last week and have arranged to spend a weekend together in 2 weeks (I will visit him and stay with him) but again this weekend he went off the radar. I know he has been multi dating prior to us meeting up and I don't expect that he has stopped that but it freaks me out that he couldn't be bothered getting in contact over the weekend especially if he is spending it with someone else.. But then again he has a right to really as we are single and we have only been on 2 dates..

 

He messaged me this morning to see how I am and part of me is happy he has but part of me is annoyed if he has spent it with someone else and then expects me to visit him in two weeks. I would like to spend the weekend with him and get to know him better but not if he is doing the same with someone else?

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted

It's simple. Stop spending weekends with him if you are looking for exclusive dating. It would be best to what he is doing and continue to date locally.

have arranged to spend a weekend together in 2 weeks I will visit him and stay with him but part of me is annoyed if he has spent it with someone else and then expects me to visit him in two weeks.
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solidcase Contributor

solidcase

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Posted

I'd start being really, really honest with yourself - make sure you are being clear with yourself about what you want out of this. Are you seriously putting in effort to find someone? Or are you also just trying to play the field? And once you've figured that out, I'd ask him what his plan is. If it aligns with yours, then great. If not (and do yourself a favor and be honest with yourself here too), then it's definitely best to keep on searching for someone who is going to be more on your level.

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SherrySher Grand Master

SherrySher

Posted
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What exactly are you hoping for? You already know he is multi dating and you are going a long way to be a part of his dating options. It does not sound as though he is interested in being exclusive and on the weekends he is having a good time.

I think you need to date locally and let it go with this guy. He's not serious and you will end up putting in so much effort for nothing.

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figureitout23 Grand Master

figureitout23

Posted
Posted
Ok... I will give it a go: I met this guy online (we have been speaking for two months prior) we met up finally at Christmas and had a great time, we went on a second date two days later and spend 4 days together for New Years. He messages and calls during the week but at the weekend he seems to go off the radar. He is keen and enthusiastic to go on a third date but I live 3 hours away from him so it isn't easy. I will be free to see him again in 2 weeks. We Skyped last week and have arranged to spend a weekend together in 2 weeks (I will visit him and stay with him) but again this weekend he went off the radar. I know he has been multi dating prior to us meeting up and I don't expect that he has stopped that but it freaks me out that he couldn't be bothered getting in contact over the weekend especially if he is spending it with someone else.. But then again he has a right to really as we are single and we have only been on 2 dates..

 

He messaged me this morning to see how I am and part of me is happy he has but part of me is annoyed if he has spent it with someone else and then expects me to visit him in two weeks. I would like to spend the weekend with him and get to know him better but not if he is doing the same with someone else?

 

Do you really want to be involved with a guy who multidates? I mean honestly? Cause there are plenty of one woman at a time men out there, plenty, who are closer on top of it! No point in being part of a rotation and being insecure about how you're measuring up to the others.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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I don't think there's anything wrong with both of you dating around until you decide to be exclusive. I don't think after only 2 dates he needs to be in regular contact with you. Get to know him in person. I think you want him to contact you as some sort of reassurance not because you're interested in getting to know more about him. He may sense that.

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Juha Proficient

Juha

Posted
Posted

Two dates and you are already questioning what this guys is doing? To me that's totally ridiculous.

 

I am not sure what you are thinking or doing dating this guy. Seems you have expectations for how things should be pretty quickly.

You are making assumptions without even talking with the man.

 

I assume you only audition one person at a time? If you like this guy why get to know him a little better, have some fun, and see where it goes.

 

You can easily chit chat about each others weekends and how they were, what you did, and find out in subtle way what he's been up to.

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maew Veteran

maew

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Posted

I see nothing wrong with him multi-dating... I would be multi-dating too in that situation! Particularly if it had only been two dates, and he lived hours away. That being said... if you are not comfortable in multi-dating situations, you need to say so, and right away, before you get even more resentful.

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SweetGirl28 Grand Master

SweetGirl28

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Posted

I think the writing is on the wall with this.

No contact on the weekends is likely because he's dating, and anorher female might stay overnight with him,

just like you are planning on doing. I might be wrong, but if it were me, I'd certainly not go

spend the night with him. He doesn't make you a priority to contact on the weekends.

 

Why are you driving to him??

 

If you're okay with the fact he is dating others, you can't expect him to be in constant communication

with you. Just as you do your thing on weekends, he's doing his.

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SarahVV Apprentice

SarahVV

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Going out on a date Saturday night wouldn't exactly prevent him from getting in touch with you during the day. So maybe instead of assuming things, ask him why he doesn't seem to talk to you on weekends?

 

I think the writing is on the wall with this.

No contact on the weekends is likely because he's dating, and anorher female might stay overnight with him,

just like you are planning on doing. I might be wrong, but if it were me, I'd certainly not go

spend the night with him. He doesn't make you a priority to contact on the weekends.

 

Why are you driving to him??

 

If you're okay with the fact he is dating others, you can't expect him to be in constant communication

with you. Just as you do your thing on weekends, he's doing his.

 

What should I do then... just cancel the weekend and let it go? Can I ask him anything without sounding to desperate/needy?

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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Posted

It's up to you knowing he most likely has another or other women over all weekend, just as you do with him. Rather than sounding this desperate and possessive after 2 dates, decide your course of action. Why don't you date locally on the other weekends rather than waiting by the phone?

What should I do then... just cancel the weekend and let it go? Can I ask him anything without sounding to desperate/needy?
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DancingFool Grand Master

DancingFool

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Posted

Just going to echo Juha that you can chit chat about your weekends and find out what he is doing that way and what's keeping him busy.

 

Either way, wanting to be exclusive after only two dates or wanting someone who will rush that fast into a relationship with you and only be fixated on you is probably not the best idea. The point of dating is to spend some time with each other, have fun, get to know each other and hopefully that will eventually grow into a relationship....assuming you are both compatible and want that. You may find out that he has deal breakers you aren't interested in and walk away sooner rather than later.

 

As for multi-dating, so early on you both should be. You should choose who you get involved with carefully and have options so you are not getting hung up on someone out of loneliness and desperation. Plus when you have options, it's so much easier to dismiss wrong matches and see red flags. You aren't operating from a standpoint that this is it, this is the only person and if they go you'll be lonely and out of options.

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IAmFCA Grand Master

IAmFCA

Posted
Posted

What do you want? Get what you want.

 

Perspective:

I have had a back and forth thing with a man for more. than. two. years. We have both been dating others this whole time. We have some boundaries with each other, but most of the women he dates - from best I can tell - get a weekend sleepover. I don't, I suppose because we don't have sex. The women stay in rotation for a month or two, and he is sort of monogamous with each. Then he dumps them. In fact, I am not even sure he dumps them. He just rotates someone else forward. They end it. He has no reason to end it.

 

Multidating is no joke. If you don't want it, don't do it.

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j.man Grand Master

j.man

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Posted

How did you two meet the first two times?

 

There's no way I'd put all my eggs in one basket for a woman three hours away. Frankly, I don't think you should for such a man, either. You don't need an explanation for him not communicating during the weekend. Accept he's doing what he wants, dating others very potentially included.

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SweetGirl28 Grand Master

SweetGirl28

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Posted
What should I do then... just cancel the weekend and let it go? Can I ask him anything without sounding to desperate/needy?

 

It's up to you, I personally would want to know if a guy I was considering dating had other females

in his bed all weekend. That wouldn't be someone I'd invest my time in. He's being honest that you

aren't the only one, so ask yourself if you're okay with what the weekend might bring by staying.

 

 

I still want to know why you are the one driving three hours?

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