Ran into the ex after two years and still feel raw.

[Seymore]

Tonight I ran into my ex after 2 years of not having seen her. I was walking into the local store and she was walking out (after we split, she got a job not even a mile from my house) - we literally almost bumped into each other. She was on her phone but when our eyes met, her eyes got big and she stopped like she was going to start talking. I looked into her eyes, looked away and still kept walking.

 

I had started an eharmony account a month ago, and on the way home from work I was literally (I know I used "literally" twice now but I'm serious) thinking about my ex - how I would explain my last relationship to a new girl who sent me a smile today (and was cute) - but with all the thinking I do over my ex, I had JUST come to the conclusion that I'm not ready to date. Really, not even TWO minutes later I ran into the ex - for the first time in two years. It's funny how the world works sometimes.

 

I felt like a jerk walking past her. I know she wanted to talk but I kept going. She had just sent me a Christmas card saying she thinks of me often and I wanted to respond but fought it and never did. I wanted so badly to talk to her and I knew it would be bad if I did - she was emotionally (and one time, physically to me and multiple times to herself) abusive and I didn't want to risk getting sucked back in. And she walked out of the store without booze, which was a major reason I left her (her drinking).

 

I hate the holidays. I'm going to write a letter to her apologizing for how I walked past her without saying anything and NOT send it, and I won't delete my eHarmony account, although I feel like it. I don't want to hurt some nice girl by having these feelings that I clearly haven't stopped processing - a girl looking to date doesn't deserve that.

 

I JUST had a dream about my ex two nights ago for the first time in over a month (and a dream about her kids last night), and now this. Sometimes it feels like the world is trying to bring us back together or at the very least, test me. Two years later and it still tests me.

[boltnrun]

Good idea to write the letter and then not send it. No reason at all to send, but it will help to get your thoughts out.

 

I am curious, however, why her walking out of the store without booze is a bad thing...bad enough for you to leave her for. Is booze something really important that you wanted her to buy it and she refused or something?

[Seymore]

Good idea to write the letter and then not send it. No reason at all to send, but it will help to get your thoughts out.

 

I am curious, however, why her walking out of the store without booze is a bad thing...bad enough for you to leave her for. Is booze something really important that you wanted her to buy it and she refused or something?

 

Sorry, I did a phantom edit - her drinking was a huge issue during our relationship along with her prescription drug abuse (her best friend worked at a hospital and she would steal ziploc bags of Xanax for my ex) - that caused me to call the cops on her once and led her to put me in a choke hold another time, among countless other problems it caused. Her not walking out with booze made me wonder if she changed.

[Seraphim]

It is a TEST. The woman is poison and you know it. Stay away from her.

[Seymore]

It is a TEST. The woman is poison and you know it. Stay away from her.

 

 

Thank you. I feel like I'm at a breaking point and He still tests me. You are good.

[Seraphim]

She hasn't changed. And it is not a sign to be together. We are tested for good and bad but choose the good path.

[SweetGirl28]

Doesn't sound like a door worth reopening.

We do cross paths with people for a reason though.

Maybe it had to happen to make the negative resurface, which hopefully enables you to move forward.

[Seymore]

She hasn't changed. And it is not a sign to be together. We are tested for good and bad but choose the good path.

 

Deep down I know you're right...But BOY do we get tested. Between dreams and thoughts of her I sometimes wonder if His plan is to make me insane.

[Seraphim]

Deep down I know you're right...But BOY do we get tested. Between dreams and thoughts of her I sometimes wonder if His plan is to make me insane.

Nope. Wrong " Him".

[Seymore]

I keep reliving that night where she (drunk and high) kept harassing me and when I threatened to go to my place to sleep, not leave her - she put me in a choke hold and said (I'll never forget this) "Lay down...You're not going anywhere....this is your home."

 

I laid down because I couldn't hurt her (since I'm a guy) and get the cops called on me, although I could have crippled her - her kids were sleeping in the next room and cops would have tossed me in jail. I remember when she tried to keep me in her house and I called the police because she wouldn't let me leave, asking them to get her out of the way and let me go - the police let me go and told her to go to sleep because she was drunk and they said I clearly wasn't (she claimed I was).

 

She called the cops a half hour later after I left, claiming her car was stolen - she was going to drive to my house drunk and forgot her car was in the shop to be fixed. The police actually told her to stop calling them and go to sleep. So when they left, she called a cab and came to my place, with her kids still at home. She told me she "forgave me for calling the police on her".

 

Her kids told me they forgave me. She brainwashed them into thinking I did it (called the cops) maliciously. I think of those kids every day. They were the center of my life and I know they hate me (she told me so).

[itsallgrand]

It's ok, you are allowed to feel raw or however you feel . Have a good cry if you need to. I remember your posts. You went through hell and abuse, and were witness to her kids having to grow up with a mom like that. These kinds of experiences burn deep into a person. I'm so sorry you went through it and good for you for recognizing that contacting her is not the healthy choice. Normal that you'd feel some pull and emotion seeing her again. It's not a step back completely, it's just a temporary step back as part of healing. I found healing and grieving to be cyclic like that. But all the work you put in still stands, you've made great progress. This is just a wave... let yourself feel it completely, grieve it, and day by day it grows lighter.

 

Maybe do something nice for yourself. Self care. It really does help. It's grounding and reminds yourself of your commitment to yourself to treat yourself as someone worth care... you are worth care and love.

[itsallgrand]

By the way, I do not believe the kids hate you. That sounds to me like abusive vitriol she was spewing to try and hurt you. Kids don't hate in that way. And she is hurting those kids so much with the things she does, including the treatment she gave to you. It's just sad... for the kids. Please don't believe her cruel words.

[Pleasedonot5]

She is gone. The kids are gone. They are completely out of your life.

 

Process that. It's done. It will stay done. Don't look back. Keep moving forward and you will find better.

[Seymore]

By the way, I do not believe the kids hate you. That sounds to me like abusive vitriol she was spewing to try and hurt you. Kids don't hate in that way. And she is hurting those kids so much with the things she does, including the treatment she gave to you. It's just sad... for the kids. Please don't believe her cruel words.

 

Thank you for both of those posts (thanks to everyone else too) They helped me to feel a little better. I decided to take the day off work today, get some sleep and do some hobbies. I didn't sleep at all last night, I was so anxious I was sitting there in bed shaking all night. I just try to remind myself that of it was a previous ex I wouldn't have even thought twice about walking by, so down the line hopefully I'll feel the same about this one.

 

I just feel...slow. Stupid even. This has been such a long time.

[reinventmyself]

Thank you for both of those posts (thanks to everyone else too) They helped me to feel a little better. I decided to take the day off work today, get some sleep and do some hobbies. I didn't sleep at all last night, I was so anxious I was sitting there in bed shaking all night. I just try to remind myself that of it was a previous ex I wouldn't have even thought twice about walking by, so down the line hopefully I'll feel the same about this one.

 

I just feel...slow. Stupid even. This has been such a long time.

 

It sounds like more than just grieving the loss, but some trauma associated with it.

It's no wonder you don't feel like dating when you attribute romantic relationships with abuse and drama.

 

I think seeing her is ultimately going to do you good in some ways. Often in their absence they become some sort of imaginary

phantom figure. Seeing them in real life, you see that they are nothing more than human. In her case a fragile human.

 

Focus on everything you are thankful for, Seymore. Imagine if you had stayed and the further damage that would have created.

Be thankful that's behind you and keep moving forward.

This will pass.

[DaisyMayPorter]

That whole post about the choke hold just sounds...awful. Yikes, I'm so sorry you had to go through that and you are still effected to this day. I agree with Itsallgrand - the kids don't hate you. You were probably their saving grace on more than one occasion. Gosh, I hope they are ok. Stay strong and keep in no contact with her. Move if you have to! Good luck with everything.

[HeartGoesOn]

Seymore...You've come a long way, and I've followed your posts for years. Keep in mind that even when you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.

 

My thoughts are, you'll stay on the right path as long as you continue to believe in yourself.

[Seymore]

Thank you, guys. And thanks for following me, HeartGoesOn. You guys are great.

[sputnik123]

Hey Seymore,

 

Read your posts. Sounds very tough mate and I am thinking of you.

 

I wish you every success in fully moving on from this.

 

You are not alone, remember that.

[Seymore]

Hey Seymore,

 

Read your posts. Sounds very tough mate and I am thinking of you.

 

I wish you every success in fully moving on from this.

 

You are not alone, remember that.

 

Thank you, Sputnik. It's frustrating when you miss someone who you know was poisonous, despite knowing things won't change and going over all the negatives, and you still don't know why you feel that way.

[Seymore]

This is going to sound absolutely stupid but I thought of something today that made me feel better.

 

The night before I bumped into my ex, I was looking for a bottle of wine like she used to have every night - her favorite wine - at the store I bumped into her in. They were sold out. Maybe that's why she walked out with nothing, because they didn't have HER booze.

 

I remember a year ago her cousin messaged my best friend saying "she has her drinking MOSTLY under control" and I knew that meant she didn't.

 

I keep telling myself nothing has changed.

[Seymore]

After being in a funk and having not eaten anything the last two days, I got weak and this morning I did a Google search for her. What I found popped me out of my funk almost immediately.

 

Turns out she has a GoFundMe trying to raise money for legal fees - turns out she DID get fired from her previous job (as I warned her she would - having stolen $40k worth of medical equipment among other things she did at that job) and she is broke and can't fight the lawsuit they have against her. Like three people have donated next to nothing in the last year and a half.

 

And I don't feel bad for her at all. Whenever she would pull shady stuff on people I would tell her "you think everyone is stupid, don't you". I feel better because when I found out she switched jobs, I said to myself "I bet she got herself fired". I was right and karma does work. I don't want that mess back.

[Seraphim]

After being in a funk and having not eaten anything the last two days, I got weak and this morning I did a Google search for her. What I found popped me out of my funk almost immediately.

 

Turns out she has a GoFundMe trying to raise money for legal fees - turns out she DID get fired from her previous job (as I warned her she would - having stolen $40k worth of medical equipment among other things she did at that job) and she is broke and can't fight the lawsuit they have against her. Like three people have donated next to nothing in the last year and a half.

 

And I don't feel bad for her at all. Whenever she would pull shady stuff on people I would tell her "you think everyone is stupid, don't you". I feel better because when I found out she switched jobs, I said to myself "I bet she got herself fired". I was right and karma does work. I don't want that mess back.

 

Nope, you don't! She would suck you dry of everything including emotion ,money whatever it is you name it . There would be nothing of you left .

[Seymore]

Nope, you don't! She would suck you dry of everything including emotion ,money whatever it is you name it . There would be nothing of you left .

 

Totally right. And one of the kickers is that the wife of one of her ex patients (who sent me a nasty message accusing me of being a commitment phobe after I dumped my ex) was one of the couple of people who donated to her fund, saying "I'm a witness of your character and will testify for you". I was like wow, you're still buying her garbage?

 

I feel kinda proud that I was able to see through the bull, long as it took me. She still has other people tricked.

 

Not to mention the ex wrote "my ex employer has the money for this lawsuit and I'm only a single mom of 3". Like hey dummy if you're a single mom of 3 you shouldn't get yourself sued and fired. Always with the poor me routine.

[Seraphim]

I feel sorry for her poor kids. :(