Am I emotionally unavailable or a commitment phobe?

[AlexSays]

Hi, I am a 23yr old female and I’ve noticed I am a little different than most of my girl friends in the sense that while all of them are after some guy, wanting a real relationship with them with commitment and trust, I’m usually the one that wants to keep things with no strings attached while they want a relationship.

 

With all my relationships I usually don’t even like them in the beginning and just force it because A) they’re a nice guy B) there’s another girl in the mix and I want to compete and the moment I win, I lose interest but still force a connection. Surprisingly enough this is how I had my first love (my ex) but even then I wanted to keep the relationship private and not boast about it, while he was the opposite and wanted to post it everywhere and “show me off”. Me and my ex got serious enough to the point of talking about moving in together and he got mad at me because I wanted separate rooms and each of us have our own.

 

It’s been now 3 months since me and my ex broke up after a year of dating and I feel ready to start talking to other guys again. there is a new guy I am talking to. He is extremely nice and shows a LOT of effort and does things most don’t do anymore like get me flowers and write me poems and surprise dates and he’s very sweet. Unlike my friends, I’m the one that doesn’t seem to want the relationship or commitment because I love my freedom and doing my own thing and I am happy being single but this guy is so nice that yet again I feel myself forcing a connection. Part of me thinks since me and my ex started with me forcing a connection, I am hoping I’ll also fall in love with The new guy too since he’s a lot more compatible with me so why not give it a chance.

 

It’s like they have to earn that spot of being my boyfriend. My ex courted me for 4 months (known each other for about 1yr before courting) before I said yes to being exclusive and public. And I feel like I NEED that whole being friends before dating experience with someone for them to even have a chance. Idk what’s wrong with me... I feel myself forcing a connection with this guy and I’m starting to get cold feet because he has started posting about me on his social media.

[Wiseman2]

Channel that into wiser pursuits like competing for better jobs, in sports or games etc. Whether competing with your friends, the guy, social climbing and proving, etc., this and finding love are mutually exclusive:

I want to compete and the moment I win, I lose interest

[smackie9]

Hah you want a guy that doesn't kiss your feet, or put you up on a pedestal....try dating guys that are distant/aloof/less available.....you will fall head over heels.

[rosephase]

I don't know, you sound like a normal 23 year old to me. Just because a lot of people feel pressure to find their life mate early and fast doesn't mean that everyone has that drive. It sounds like you need to get to know someone well before you get excited about them. I'm the same way. I mostly date friends, collaborators and people I work with because I need to like who they are as a person before my relationship desire kicks in. To me that isn't a commitment phobia... that's wanting a connection with an individual person instead of a role that I want filled.

 

However I don't think forcing a connection is a good idea. What does that look like? If you don't feel the connection... then don't do it. Find someone you feel a connection with. You aren't in any hurry. Why force things?

[Hollyj]

The only thing that I think that is messed up, is this competing thing. That's not nice.

[AlexSays]

Hah you want a guy that doesn't kiss your feet, or put you up on a pedestal....try dating guys that are distant/aloof/less available.....you will fall head over heels.

 

Quite the opposite I’ve had my fair share and I can Never even fall for them. I don’t like men that don’t show emotion or aren’t sensitive, or are equally as unavailable. They’ve never ticked my interest and I find men that claim to ven fboys childish. I like nice guys that can put me in my place when I need to be put there but that’s when it comes to meeting my goals, talking sense into me, etc.

[AlexSays]

I don't know, you sound like a normal 23 year old to me. Just because a lot of people feel pressure to find their life mate early and fast doesn't mean that everyone has that drive. It sounds like you need to get to know someone well before you get excited about them. I'm the same way. I mostly date friends, collaborators and people I work with because I need to like who they are as a person before my relationship desire kicks in. To me that isn't a commitment phobia... that's wanting a connection with an individual person instead of a role that I want filled.

 

However I don't think forcing a connection is a good idea. What does that look like? If you don't feel the connection... then don't do it. Find someone you feel a connection with. You aren't in any hurry. Why force things?

 

Wow thank you! Reading this I could relate to it so much. That’s how I am. I don’t want/need a role filled, I want a real thing with someone that isn’t just anyone. Thank you I was really starting to think there was something wrong with me

[Rozhni]

Be my best friend please lol I feel like you and I can connect very well and help one another. I’m a male and 24 years old and used to be the same way that most guys are. The girl I’m interested in is the same exact way you are. (Most attractive women are.)

The problem is that you want a guy who doesn’t turn all his focus on you. You want a man who has a lot going for him and has you as a bonus on the side. You’re just looking for a guy who doesn’t fall head over heels for you like a female. Imagine dating a millionaire who is focussed and driven on his career and doesn’t have much time for you BUT occasionally comes around to you.. most guys our age are like dogs who chase chase chase.. put the girl #1 over everything. We are wired this way. I recently had to drop the girl because she wasn’t putting in enough effort. I’m wondering how your mind works lol

[AlexSays]

Be my best friend please lol I feel like you and I can connect very well and help one another. I’m a male and 24 years old and used to be the same way that most guys are. The girl I’m interested in is the same exact way you are. (Most attractive women are.)

The problem is that you want a guy who doesn’t turn all his focus on you. You want a man who has a lot going for him and has you as a bonus on the side. You’re just looking for a guy who doesn’t fall head over heels for you like a female. Imagine dating a millionaire who is focussed and driven on his career and doesn’t have much time for you BUT occasionally comes around to you.. most guys our age are like dogs who chase chase chase.. put the girl #1 over everything. We are wired this way. I recently had to drop the girl because she wasn’t putting in enough effort. I’m wondering how your mind works lol

 

Well I wouldn’t say have me on the side. I guess I want someone I can build with. I myself don’t have much time. I’m an artist and I’m constantly working on improving my own work (I make digital art, traditional art, tattoos), I also work and go to school for a computer science major. I am usually busy with life, hence why i enjoy my alone time, and working on becoming the best me.

I guess what you’re saying is right though. I want someone equally as goal driven as me that can give me a bonus because I myself can give myself everything I want already.

I definitely want someone to fall head over heels for me the same way I can fall head over heels for them, the falling just needs to happen over time.... that kind of connection takes time to build and I definitely want it but it lacks being genuine if it happens in the course of 1-2 months. I don’t usually put in effort until you show me your interest goes beyond physical attraction and you can put up with me ignoring you a few times. If you keep going after I’ve ignored you, or cancelled on you, or just keep showing me effort, my interest increases dramatically.

That why I now like this new guy. Because despite the fact I’ve ignored his messages for days on end, he still texts me every morning and every night to wish me a good morning/night. Even if I don’t answer there is always a morning msg and a night msg. Even if I cancel on him, he invites me out again and again without getting mad. He’s understanding. He gives me flowers which I haven’t had a guy do unless it’s some sort of holiday or occasion. He literally just gets me flowers randomly. My advice is that if she’s really similar to me then in the long run, putting the effort and keep being consistent and she will fall eventually. And if she’s like me, it takes long or her to fall but when she does, she will fall HARD. And she will be only yours. You know what they say, easy comes easy goes. If she’s worth the fight, show her you’re willing to fight it. Otherwise you will seem the type that gives up easy. But don’t take it too hard. If you are being rejected literally every single time you try to make a move (asking her out or something) then move on.

[katrina1980]

 

With all my relationships I usually don’t even like them in the beginning and just force it.

 

I think once you meet a man with whom you DON'T have to force liking him, you will want a RL and eventual commitment with him.

 

You just haven't met him yet; hell you're only 23, I didn't meet the man I truly wanted to commit to until I was 30!

 

I did have two LTRs prior to meeting him and even got engaged to one, but, and not proud to admit this, but basically going along for the ride.

 

I wasn't in love with either of them.

 

Then when I met my ex at 30, I knew what I had been missing.

 

So try to not be so hard on yourself and be proud that you're your own person who refuses to conform to societal "norms" like I did.

[Rozhni]

Wow.. this guy is really something. Us guys tell each other that if she doesn’t show equal interest the way you show for her, move on. Basically the effort has to be 50/50 because imagine how much he is risking! I used to be like him. I did EXACTLY what he’s doing for you. Poems, flowers, good nights, good mornings. All of that. I was in love with her. We weren’t in a “relationship” but we were exclusive with no label I guess. We slept together and all until one day (after about 4 months) I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was doing so much for her, but she never matched me anywhere near with the effort. I decided to not text her and it took her like 3 days to message me asking what’s going on.. at that point I was already hurt because it really sucks when you feel like it’s a one way street. You’re doing so much for someone that says they really like you but their ACTIONS don’t show much. I started to stop everything I was doing and she pursued me a little but then stopped and we became very distant for about 2 weeks. I ended up asking to meet up and had a long talk about how I feel about her and that I want us to be in a relationship. She told me she really liked me but her life was too busy with sorority and she didn’t believe it would work. I said okay and she kissed me and we never spoke again..

This part of my life changed me. I never want to do that much for a girl and have it end up not going anywhere.. it REALLY sucks.

Now with this amazing girl I met that is very similar to you. I’m ending up doing the same things again. We’ve gone out on about 6 dates the past 3 months and shes accepted about 40% of my dates. She sometimes takes hours to a whole day to respond but she responds with nice lengthy texts. The worst thing she’s done to me was one day I texted her asking her out and she didn’t even respond... I sent a following text 2 days later asking if she’s okay and she sent me the “omg I’m so sorry, I’ve been very busy lately” that same time we ended up getting into a very deep conversation and I was just so confused with her actions.. a few days later I asked her out and she wasn’t feeling it at first but then texted me a few hours later saying she wants to... this girl has told me she likes me a lot and even mentions that she doesn’t hangout with other guys.. her social media is flooded with guys always trying to flirt or start a conversation with her. I know she has many options so idk what I should be doing with her. I really want to back off the same way I did with the other girl because it’s started to hurt.. feeling like you’re not wanted by someone you want so bad sucks. I already stopped with the texts..

[AlexSays]

Maybe you’re just in it for the way she looks? If she’s like me she’s definitely smart enough to tell it’s purely physical. I have more going on than my looks, and if a guy can see past it and appreciate and pursue THAT me instead of what he sees, then I appreciate it. It works when you have a life out of her own, take things slow, don’t flirt too much or you will come off as thirsty. Girls like me also like a challenge, but a man that has his life together type of challenge, not a “look at me I get mad sex and girls I’m a typical college frat that only cares for ****”. It’s extremely attractive when you pursue but not desperately. Have your life and hobbies. Try having conversations with her that don’t involve how much you like her or how beautiful she is. Be able to hold her interest. When you suddenly stop texting, it shows inconsistency. In the long run we appreciate consistency more, because imagine the amount of guys that did the exact same thing you just did, and just stop. Now you’re just another guy and not the one that never gave up. However don’t ever lose your self respect and if she keeps ignoring you and not showing effort after a while and you find yourself wanting more and expecting more, then cut it. However if you go into it with no expectations and just see where it goes, she might appreciate the spontaneity more.

[figureitout23]

You're neither. Your previous posts indicate to me you're recovering from a very bad breakup and your rebounding,which is why you're not really feeling it

 

You're 3 months post break up but write this a week ago.

 

Quite honestly, he’s my first love: I know most of them firsts don’t work out. I’ve never in my life felt this heart broken before. I know I’m late in the game, but we really had been through hell and back together, and always made it work. Just how do I resist checking up on him in silence? I’m doing literally everything. I’m out there. I’m improving. I’m picking up hobbies and distracting myself but even amongst distraction, friends, hobbies - I still can’t stop him from wandering into my mind. I don’t reach out. I don’t post about how I feel. It’s all just bottled up and I let it out alone. I’ve never been scared of being alone and I’ve always liked being single and the freedom it gave me. I’m glad to be single now. The problem is the fact that it’s him I miss. I’m trying to kick myself back in top gear by reminding myself that this is for both our bests and he left the moment his ex came back. That maybe this wasn’t as real for him as for me. But man does that hurt.

 

 

And you think the reason you're detached from the new guy is commitmentphobia? You are rebounding! Be single, don't drag innocent bystanders into your healing process, it cruel.

 

.

[AlexSays]

The reason I wrote this is because even with that guy I had the same issue. When my ex(the one I write about) tried to get us to try again, I wanted to but I didn’t want to commit again. When we started, it stared off as no strings attached and I wanted to keep it that way while he wanted to pursue the relationship. I found out some stuff about my ex that is making the move on process smoother due to the fact I definitely do not want someone like him back in my life. Also my ex before him, also wanted a relationship and I just wanted fun.

 

I don’t know why being in a relationship just doesn’t work with me. Even when I was in my last one I was constantly breaking things off and he kept pursuing and pursuing so I felt almost like I owed it to him because he didn’t do anything at the time. Literally I feel like a commitment phobe sometimes ...

[katrina1980]

Why are you dismissing the possibility you haven't met "that" guy yet?

 

As I said, I didn't until I was 30, or just shy of 30.

 

Prior to meeting him, I thought I had commitment issues too (broke off all my relationships including two long term and one engagement); people in my life thought I had issues too.

 

Then when I met "him," it all changed. It too me awhile to agree to marriage (for other reasons) but was nevertheless still "very" committed.

 

So again stop being so hard on yourself!

 

If in ten years, you still feel this way, then re-visit the idea.

 

But you're only 23 for heaven's sake, give yourself a break.

[katrina1980]

Maybe you’re just in it for the way she looks? If she’s like me she’s definitely smart enough to tell it’s purely physical. I have more going on than my looks, and if a guy can see past it and appreciate and pursue THAT me instead of what he sees, then I appreciate it. It works when you have a life out of her own, take things slow, don’t flirt too much or you will come off as thirsty. Girls like me also like a challenge, but a man that has his life together type of challenge, not a “look at me I get mad sex and girls I’m a typical college frat that only cares for ****”. It’s extremely attractive when you pursue but not desperately. Have your life and hobbies. Try having conversations with her that don’t involve how much you like her or how beautiful she is. Be able to hold her interest.

 

-----

 

When you suddenly stop texting, it shows inconsistency. In the long run we appreciate consistency more, because imagine the amount of guys that did the exact same thing you just did, and just stop. Now you’re just another guy and not the one that never gave up. However don’t ever lose your self respect and if she keeps ignoring you and not showing effort after a while and you find yourself wanting more and expecting more, then cut it. However if you go into it with no expectations and just see where it goes, she might appreciate the spontaneity more.

 

This is a really good post.

 

All of it really, but the part about a man deciding to suddenly stop texting/calling/pursuing hoping or expecting a woman to pick up the slack, I especially can relate to and want to address.

 

Yes in our eyes, this only indicates how inconsistent "you" are. If you have an issue or feel you're doing all or most of the "work" then talk to her about it, don't just suddenly decide to pull away.

 

**Not in a wimpy whiny complaining way, but in a strong confident way. This part is super important.

 

So many men do this and it's so confusing and frankly such a turn off, seriously. It shows weakness.

 

Be strong and ask her how she feels and what she wants. Tell her you'd like her to participate more if you don't think she is. Be strong, be assertive.

 

I remember one guy I was talking to for a while was confused and he was very straight and asked me, in his own way, what was up. Very strongly. Very confidently.

 

Sure he could've just stopped texting me to see if I would step up more, but chose instead to be strong assertive, straight and ask.

 

I swear I think I nearly fell in love with him after that, I just love that strength and confidence.

 

I ended up being straight with him back and I did start stepping up more.

 

Had he chose to just stop texting, I would've assumed he was just playing games (weak) or lost interest.

 

Very confusing and an eventual turn off. Weak.

[smackie9]

You should be asking yourself, why you haven't met "the one". Well it takes a lot of dating and crappy relationship to find "the one". Dating/relationship experience is so important. It prepares us for marriage. We learn what we like, what we don't like, what kind of personality to avoid, etc. At your age, most still have their head up their ass and don't know what they want or how to find it. It's a process we all go through....it's just part of growing as a person.

[figureitout23]

The reason I wrote this is because even with that guy I had the same issue. When my ex(the one I write about) tried to get us to try again, I wanted to but I didn’t want to commit again. When we started, it stared off as no strings attached and I wanted to keep it that way while he wanted to pursue the relationship. I found out some stuff about my ex that is making the move on process smoother due to the fact I definitely do not want someone like him back in my life. Also my ex before him, also wanted a relationship and I just wanted fun.

 

I don’t know why being in a relationship just doesn’t work with me. Even when I was in my last one I was constantly breaking things off and he kept pursuing and pursuing so I felt almost like I owed it to him because he didn’t do anything at the time. Literally I feel like a commitment phobe sometimes ...

 

Granted, you have now given 2 very good reasons why you should be taking a dating break right now. Not over ex and 'Comitmentphobia' which I honestly read as basic trying to move forward before youre ready, I read this as you're forcing yourself to give your heart to somebody when it's not available to give because someone else still has it.

 

I guess I just don't get the focus on 'oh I never want a relationship, something must be wrong' when you're still mourning a relationship that you did want. The evidence that you are fully capable of loving someone is right there and I'm assuming in your thoughts regularly.

 

I think you're a perfectly normal 23 year old.

[AlexSays]

This is a really good post.

 

All of it really, but the part about a man deciding to suddenly stop texting/calling/pursuing hoping or expecting a woman to pick up the slack, I especially can relate to and want to address.

 

Yes in our eyes, this only indicates how inconsistent "you" are. If you have an issue or feel you're doing all or most of the "work" then talk to her about it, don't just suddenly decide to pull away.

 

**Not in a wimpy whiny complaining way, but in a strong confident way. This part is super important.

 

So many men do this and it's so confusing and frankly such a turn off, seriously. It shows weakness.

 

Be strong and ask her how she feels and what she wants. Tell her you'd like her to participate more if you don't think she is. Be strong, be assertive.

 

I remember one guy I was talking to for a while was confused and he was very straight and asked me, in his own way, what was up. Very strongly. Very confidently.

 

Sure he could've just stopped texting me to see if I would step up more, but chose instead to be strong assertive, straight and ask.

 

I swear I think I nearly fell in love with him after that, I just love that strength and confidence.

 

I ended up being straight with him back and I did start stepping up more.

 

Had he chose to just stop texting, I would've assumed he was just playing games (weak) or lost interest.

 

Very confusing and an eventual turn off. Weak.

 

Everything she said ^^^

Don’t just stop but when you feel like you have the strength to pull away, ask her in this manner. If after doing this she’s still not picking up the slack, that’s when it’s okay to pull away. At this point it won’t look like you’re playing games, but answering to her obvious response with actions as well. At this point she will feel it’s her loss, because most guys our age lack the ability to be “men” and just want to play games. Hard to stand out when everyone else’s is doing the same thing you are with her yknow? Be confident and assertive but not childish and whiny about it.

[AlexSays]

Granted, you have now given 2 very good reasons why you should be taking a dating break right now. Not over ex and 'Comitmentphobia' which I honestly read as basic trying to move forward before youre ready, I read this as you're forcing yourself to give your heart to somebody when it's not available to give because someone else still has it.

 

I guess I just don't get the focus on 'oh I never want a relationship, something must be wrong' when you're still mourning a relationship that you did want. The evidence that you are fully capable of loving someone is right there and I'm assuming in your thoughts regularly.

 

I think you're a perfectly normal 23 year old.

 

I am perfectly capable of BEING in a relationship but I always FORCE myself to be in them. I never want it. I always look for excuses not to be in them. I’ve been on 3 relationships my whole life, all forced, and quite a few “situationships” that I preferred due to it being NSA and I broke off the moment they started wanting more but didn’t live up to my standards. (That being honesty, generally nice, with goals and loyalty, that are willing to be my friend first and then my partner, take things slow etc).

 

My big issue is the fact that I KNOW I should be taking a dating break and not jump into a relationship right now, but I yet again feel myself FORCING a connection because this guy meets all those qualities. I just don’t understand why I need to FORCE my relationships in order for me to fall for them and I’m generally unhappy the first 2-3 months, then start accepting it or more like “settling”. Idk I just feel happy alone, so if they don’t have anything extra for me, it’s just... meh.

 

But thank you. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one with this problem! Literally all my friends complain about being single to the point I feel bad sometimes. I guess I need to focus more on me and let it hit me and not force it anymore

[katrina1980]

OP, apologies that I missed this but why did you and your ex break up? If you don't mind my asking.

 

You sound so much like myself, it's uncanny! Right down to the wanting separate bedrooms thing. Which most people definitely don't understand!

 

You also sound like a very complex person, as am I, most men don't understand me, think I'm playing games which couldn't be further from the truth.

 

The truth is I don't feel that "click" (energy) with many men, in fact it's very rare, but when I do, I fall HARD.

 

But even then, it takes a very special blend of qualities for me to fully commit and yes it does take time and TRUST.

 

Many men think they can "trick" me by using different "strategies" and such, when all I really need for them to be is real and straight.

 

That is such a turn on for me. But as I said, it has to come from from a place of strength and confidence, NOT insecurity and weakness. But emotion/sensitivity/vulnerability are important to me too.

 

Anyway, I think you're okay, as figureitout said, still recovering from breakup, you know who you are, what you need and want, the "right" man for you is out there, when you meet him, you will know it and be ready for it.

 

You're not quite ready yet, understandably.

 

Best of luck!

[Jibralta]

I’m usually the one that wants to keep things with no strings attached while they want a relationship.

 

With all my relationships I usually don’t even like them in the beginning and just force it because A) they’re a nice guy B) there’s another girl in the mix and I want to compete and the moment I win, I lose interest but still force a connection.

 

I don't think it's weird. I was very similar. I usually (though not always) kept guys in the friendzone for a long time before dating them. That way, I could figure out if I really liked them. I found that feelings would develop if I forced the connection. But it was never quite right and I would inevitably get stir crazy.

 

I've also competed to get guys just for the hell of it (it was never worth the effort. You just get a guy that needs attention or likes girl-drama).

 

I felt like I was supposed to want to get married and have a family, but I could never quite bring myself to do it. So, I didn't worry about it.

 

Eventually, I did get together with the right person--a longtime friend.

[figureitout23]

 

My big issue is the fact that I KNOW I should be taking a dating break and not jump into a relationship right now, but I yet again feel myself FORCING a connection because this guy meets all those qualities. I just don’t understand why I need to FORCE my relationships in order for me to fall for them and I’m generally unhappy the first 2-3 months, then start accepting it or more like “settling”. Idk I just feel happy alone, so if they don’t have anything extra for me, it’s just... meh.

 

 

I think in this instance with this guy, you're forcing a relationship with a nice guy you're not attracted to so you aren't single.

 

You said it was 3 relationships you did this, what was missing? Were you maybe settling then too?

 

 

Can I ask why you keep bringing up feeling bad about your friends wanting relationships and you not? You are not ready to date so what is there to feel bad about?

 

Sometimes I notice people ( not saying you or anyone here) treat commitmentphobia as something to be proud of, to brag about.

 

'These men/women want me but I don't want them, I must be hot stuff, I'll never be the one on the losing end.'

 

But, to me, I'd think someone suffering from an actual fear of loving someone would be miserable.

 

It's like people who say, 'oh I'm obsessive compulsive, I like everything organized.' That's not what obsessive compulsive disorder is, it's miserable and alters people's everyday life and people suffer, it's not 'oh I like my spice rack organized, I'm obsessive compulsive!'

 

Sorry, I got off subject big time.

[itsallgrand]

If you do prefer being single, that's fine, but don't fool yourself about these guys who persist even after you show no interest back. It's about enjoying the attention, and they wear you down that way, until you somehow find yourself in a relationship with them. It's not a great way to pick a partner you really want, it's a good way to stack the deck against yourself.

 

We all have egos but don't let others use it against yourself. That's what those persistent even though you don't have real interest guys are doing.

 

A firm ' not interested' works. But you have to be willing to lose the attention and chase too.

[katrina1980]

@figureitout, you're right.

 

Those with real intimacy/commitment fears are very cnflicted and it can be very painful for both him (or her) and the person with whom they're involved/dating.

 

Do you remember the story about my brother? He's more sensitive and emotional than most any man I know, wants to love and be loved but his fears cause him to run every time.

 

To compensate for being so sensitive, on the outside he's quite blustery and aloof. Some women have accused him of some horrendous things, narcissistic, sociopath, you name it.

 

When deep down he's in a lot of pain. He drinks to cope but realizes that's not healthy so cut back.

 

Yeah he's pretty miserable.