Am I emotionally unavailable or a commitment phobe?

[Rozhni]

I’m definitely not only into her because of her looks. The moment I met her I felt a connection stronger than I have ever with anyone else. That’s not something I find often. That’s the only reason I’m still around.

The problem is that I have respect for myself and know what I want in a woman. I am a confident guy and have a lot going for me, but I do want someone to at least put in 40%. Why should I wait around for months and months for one girl who isn’t even showing much interest?

She is very sweet when she denies me and her excuses always sound long and genuine. But they are still denials and it shows that she doesn’t care to spend time with me.

Don’t you girls understand that guys who are not desperate and have other options WONT sit around for months hoping one day she will be into us like we are into her? Eventually a great woman comes around and we put our attention on the new only because we weren’t getting enough from the current girl.

Just last night I had to tell a beautiful girl who made a move on me that I was “taken” eventhough in reality im dealing with a girl who’s showing very low interest and possibly flirting with other men. I like her a lot, but I feel like constantly putting in all this effort is draining and wasting my time. Shouldn’t I go for someone who feels the same about me?

This is the first time in my life I’m waiting around. I don’t even think she realizes how much I feel for her.

[katrina1980]

I’m definitely not only into her because of her looks. The moment I met her I felt a connection stronger than I have ever with anyone else. That’s not something I find often. That’s the only reason I’m still around.

The problem is that I have respect for myself and know what I want in a woman. I am a confident guy and have a lot going for me, but I do want someone to at least put in 40%. Why should I wait around for months and months for one girl who isn’t even showing much interest?

She is very sweet when she denies me and her excuses always sound long and genuine. But they are still denials and it shows that she doesn’t care to spend time with me.

Don’t you girls understand that guys who are not desperate and have other options WONT sit around for months hoping one day she will be into us like we are into her? Eventually a great woman comes around and we put our attention on the new only because we weren’t getting enough from the current girl.

Just last night I had to tell a beautiful girl who made a move on me that I was “taken” eventhough in reality im dealing with a girl who’s showing very low interest and possibly flirting with other men. I like her a lot, but I feel like constantly putting in all this effort is draining and wasting my time. Shouldn’t I go for someone who feels the same about me?

This is the first time in my life I’m waiting around. I don’t even think she realizes how much I feel for her.

 

Dude, no one is telling you to put up with that. You shouldn't! You 'should' want a woman that puts in her fair share of effort, have you read our posts?

 

Just sayin to talk to her about it, be straight with her, tell her what you need. Again, not in a needy whiny way but in a confident, strong and assertive way. As it stands now, she may be under the impression you enjoy doing all the leading.

 

You can try just backing off if you want but then you risk her thinking "you've" lost interest or playing games with her head, then what? She's not a mind reader, talk to her.

 

If, after you talk to her, she's still not putting in effort, or starts flipping it back on you calling you controlling or some other bullshyt, then wish her well and walk!

[AlexSays]

Katrina thanks so much for all your posts! Kind of wild because I always say the same thing. I don’t fall easy but when I do I fall hard!

 

We broke up because I kept sabotaging the relationship. I wasn’t happy and whenever we were, I would look for a way to bring conflict or drama into our relationship. I was never one for drama and much prefer chilling but when it came to him, I made him suffer a lot due to trust issues. He did some questionable stuff, even insinuated he would take his life if I left him after catching him texting his ex.

 

After that he never quite messed up again but I just never recovered the trust. I tried leaving many times but he would manipulate me into staying. It was hell. I never even had sex with him because lack of trust made it impossible for me. We were together for a year.

 

 

I have a list of things I want in men. I have learned to compromise though. Unfortunately, I learned the meaning of “too good to be true” the hard way.

 

I know I’m still young and have time to find someone but I just feel like I never will. I never get crushes, or feel attracted to people (I am sexually fluid) I find everyone so... normal. So uninteresting. I can figure people out like I’m reading a book. I feel like I can never fully commit to any one guy because I go into things thinking they’re ending either way. I’m always putting down the cushions for when things don’t work. It sucks because I’m only like this in relationships. No one has ever swept me off my feet and that’s what I really want...

[Rozhni]

The thing is that when we first met she got into telling me about her ex and how he cheated and that she’ll never be with him again, but they still hang out. She told me that she’s focusing on herself now and wants to be single. Even though she told me that, she is still incredibly flirty and told me she finds me attractive and that she’s never connected as deeply with someone the way she has with me. I’ve yet to kiss her or hold hands or do anything physical. I keep thinking about the day she told me she wants to focus on herself and I respect her a lot and do want her to fix whatever it is she needs to fix before I try and move things forward. When I slow my role and stop contacting her, and act like a “friend” she contacts me and we get into a flirty convo and I start wondering what she wants so I ask to see her, but 4/5 times she “busy”. Sometimes I feel like she just wants me around as a backup or something. I’m pretty sure there’s no one else because she has told me she’s not seeing anyone else but idk. If she would just tell me she wants me to wait for her, I would probably wait.. but because I have no idea what she wants, I’m getting frustrated because one day it seems like she wants me and invites me somewhere and the next day she’s ignoring me or says she’s too busy. How can I talk to her about this if we are technically just “friends”? I honestly wouldn’t mind being just friends if that’s what she wanted, but I can’t keep feeling back and forth on whether I’m just a friend. The moment I decide “okay we are just friends” she hits me with some “I want you” text or something and I’m just like..... so confusing.

[catfeeder]

Your gut reservations are smart and mature, but your impulse to 'force' relationships is messy kid stuff that can wreck your life. Dating and forming relationships with the wrong people is hell on earth. Have you noticed?

 

The earlier you can grasp that most people are NOT our match, the easier your dating life will become. That's not cynical, it's plain math with a hint of romanticism that can aid you in holding our for true simpatico with someone who is RIGHT for you.

 

Love is rare. If it were not, how special would it be?

 

Treating love like an assembly line process to which you must conform or be considered phobic is self torture on a grand scale, and it's a lousy formula for finding love. If it were that simple, everyone would be in love with the most convenient partners and there would be no divorce and misery for anyone.

 

There is a difference between rejecting someone as a bad match for you versus viewing them as a horrible person. Most people are perfectly 'good' people and some of us even look good online or in person. That doesn't mean you'll have great chemistry with everyone. In fact, the more intuitive you allow yourself to be about accepting a lack of chemistry as natural, the earlier you can allow wrong matches to pass early, and the more you'll trust your detection device in recognizing an actual GOOD match for you when you meet him.

 

Skip the pressure cooker while you're still healing from a breakup--that takes as long as it takes, and if you honor your need to avoid rebounding, the better your 'picker' will become. Bad matches WILL be the majority, so it makes no sense to do pretzels to force a wrong match into becoming a right one. That will keep you locked into lousy relationships, and THAT is how you'll eventually become 'phobic' about any relationship--you will have taught yourself faulty information.

 

Hold out for true simpatico with the people you date. No chemistry? Move forward instead of stagnating in attempts to manufacture feelings that are not present. You'll spare yourself more breakups than you need to have, and you'll trust your instincts and grow comfortable telling your friends to back off whenever you need to take a rest from the dating world.

 

Head high.