Two dates and a lot of questions, opinions wanted

[Jibralta]

You know what worked for me when I tried using Tinder once and is kinda funny? For my bio I actually never wrote anything about myself...I just wrote what I was looking for, something like "I like beautiful women, that are feminine, love to travel, are into fitness, are great communicators, positive, drama-free, intelligent....if that is you, then swipe right "

 

 

 

So basically, I got TONS of matches just from that and never even had to write anything about myself..funny...mostly from women who were thinking, "Wow that sounds just like me!'

 

That is really funny! And actually not very surprising...

[figureitout23]

I ignore/reject every single dude who has his shirt off online. It's been scientifically proven he's an idiot for reading something completely illogical online, or he only wants to bone. The only thing worse than a guy with his shirt off is one who thinks I want to join a harem of women. But what do I know, I'm just your average single woman.

[katrina1980]

Re posting shirt off pic on line, I am wondering how it could be proven that men who do only want to bone?

 

Not to question statistical studies, but I would think every man would have his own reasons, and it's not always because he just wants to bone. JMO.

 

For me it depends. If it's a pic of him playing volley ball at beach or sailing or another outdoor activity where it would be typical to have shirt off, I think it's fine, not a turn off at all.

 

If he's taking a selfie in the bathroom mirror or something, it's more the mind-set behind him thinking he needs to do that to attract women, it seems rather insecure and a bit shallow to me, which is a turn off. I would not automatically think he "only" wants sex though.

 

But whatever it takes I suppose, personally I seek a deeper connection, beyond just the physical, so wouldn't do a thing for me.

 

Unless like I said, it's in the context of an outdoor activity, and since I like active men into sports, if he looked good, I'd go for it!

[willdation]

]

[willdation]

I ignore/reject every single dude who has his shirt off online.

 

Even if holding puppies?

[figureitout23]

]

 

I can feel my vagina drying up.

[katrina1980]

]

 

Yeah he definitely looks like a guy "only" looking to bone chicks. LOL.

 

Too funny.

[boltnrun]

A shirtless pic with puppies would immediately say to me "I am trying WAAAYYY too hard!"

 

How about...be yourself?

 

I for sure cannot keep up an "act" for very long. The real me comes out pretty much right away if I even try it. And I'd lose all respect for a man who put on an act to try to get a woman.

 

OP, sounds like things are going well for you on the dating scene. Good stuff.

[katrina1980]

A shirtless pic with puppies would immediately say to me "I am trying WAAAYYY too hard!"

 

How about...be yourself?

 

I for sure cannot keep up an "act" for very long. The real me comes out pretty much right away if I even try it. And I'd lose all respect for a man who put on an act to try to get a woman.

 

OP, sounds like things are going well for you on the dating scene. Good stuff.

 

Yeah I can't stand "contrived" photos like that. A bit over the top for my taste.

 

Frankly, I even think too many pics is a turn off.

 

Give me one or two, so I get a sense, then let's meet IN PERSON to determine genuine chemistry, both physical and mental.

 

Instead of idealizing the person based on a bunch of contrived pics.

[willdation]

Yeah he definitely looks like a guy "only" looking to bone chicks. LOL.

 

Too funny.

 

More like dudes as well!

[bbogdanov]

 

 

OP, sounds like things are going well for you on the dating scene. Good stuff.

 

We'll see. I am speaking to several women lately but until we go out on a date - there's no development to the story

[Careerchoice]

As an addendum to this thread, I have one recent experience to share. I matched with a girl on Bumble on September 24th. Conversation started off well; I got her number that same day. I set up a date for the next day, which she rescheduled twice in advance that week and then flaked! Essentially all of you on this thread would say to drop it at that point and let her contact me if she is interested, but I kept in contact with her, added her on Snapchat and Instagram, and kept trying to set up a meet up with no success. I would say she responded to my messages maybe 2 out of every three times over the next month and a half. She rarely messaged me first. She had come out of a four year relationship and was guarded I'm sure.

 

Last week Wednesday, during a Snapchat conversation, she mentioned that she had Friday night free. I asked her to meet up. Maybe she would flake, maybe not. Friday comes and I ping her and she is game to come to my city, a 45 minute drive away. We meet at a bar and I don't sense any chemistry. She was pretty, but she didn't dress up overly well, which she attributed to not having enough time (I would later find out this was true). We sit and have a couple of drinks and I thought things were going nowhere. There was conversation, but it didn't deepen at all. We went to a different bar and had another drink. We made up some silly story about how a lady there was really the leader of a mob and things lightened up. I kept looking for my opportunity to go in for the first kiss, something that used to be a complete mystery, but now if feels very natural as far as timing and delivery after the past few months. I was about to try at one point, but she started talking. I don't know if she sensed it coming, but I didn't care. I backed off for a few minutes until another opportunity arose. It did and I went in and got no resistance.

 

We went to a different bar and got another drink. We kissed a little more and she admitted that she really wanted to have sex with me, but she should leave. I told her we don't have to have sex tonight; there's always the next date, or the date after, or whenever. We're both adults; do it if you want to do it; don't do it if you don't want to do it. These are my true beliefs, not some PUA line. I could tell she felt more relaxed because of that and she looked at me differently. The kissing was more passionate and she held me tighter. She said she had to go, even though it was early, implying that she was too tempted by me. I told her we won't have sex tonight, but I would like her to spend some more time with me. She agreed and we went to another bar. We had another drink and more of the same. She finally said she has to go, which I agreed to and drove her back to her car a few blocks away.

 

After I parked, we started going at it in the car (got her shirt partially off). She asked if I wanted to go back to her place to cuddle, which I agreed to. So we both drove back to her place and had sex shortly afterward and again that morning. It was the first time she had sex in almost a year.

 

She has been texting me the past few days wanting to get together. She initiates most times now. She has her kids until Sunday, but can't wait to see me afterward. I'm looking forward to it. We certainly have chemistry now.

 

Moral of the story: follow up with these girls. It's one thing to say you don't care of a girl doesn't message you back, flakes on you, rejects you, etc., but it's another to truly feel it and act it. At this point, I really don't care if a girl doesn't message me back. I just accept it as part of the process. This is in stark contrast to how I felt before, which was to be so sensitive and put off by it. The only way I could get to my current view was to force myself to message these girls back when it felt so uncomfortable. I desensitized myself to it over so many repetitions over a short period of time. Only then was I able to conquer my next hurdle: how often to text them and when. At this point, it's become second nature. Once a day I'll look through my contacts and see who I would like to follow up with. Then I check in with them and see how they're doing. It's very conversational; very natural. And if I feel the vibe is right and the timing is right, I try to set up a meet up. But I'm the one leading the interaction, whether it's through messaging, or on a date.

 

So my advice to OP: push your interactions further than you want to with every girl you interact with. That's the only way you're going to learn good habits and experience personal growth. You need to get as much experience as possible in a short period of time or your learning is going to be stunted and painful over a long period of time.

[Careerchoice]

The next (Saturday night), I went on another Bumble date with a girl that I had been working on for over two and half weeks. She would message me back, but was pretty lazy about it. Sometimes it was due to work, but not always. On the date, similar situation; I didn't sense any chemistry for pretty much the entire time. It was normal conversation and that's it. So we agreed to go next door to get some fast food.

 

When we get over there, she sent a really long text message to someone. I made fun of her for sending the world's longest text message. She pointed out that on our way out of the previous bar, there was a guy that she had previously been seeing. I was a little bit upset by it and stayed silent while we waited for our food. She could tell I was upset. After we got our food, she implied that she wanted to leave the restaurant. On the way out, I told her something along the lines of:

 

Me - I'm not going to be an idiot about this, but how is that supposed to make me feel?

Her - I get it.

Me - Because, as I just told you, I almost died last year... So I don't have time to waste on someone who's not emotionally available.

Her - I get that. I get it.

Me - (Blah blah blah)

Her - No I have no feelings for him, it was just an awkward situation.

Me - I don't sense that you are a liar, so I will take you at your word.

Her - Thank you for that.

 

Then we hugged goodbye. But she held it, for a really long time. We rubbed each other's backs for a bit. It was pretty cold out. Our hug was pretty intimate for several seconds. We pulled our heads back while still holding each other and looked into each other's eyes. We gave each other a few kisses on the lips. Definite chemistry. We chatted a bit the next day (yesterday). I didn't have time to reach out to her today, but no big deal. I'l reach out to her tomorrow and find out when we can see each other next. I'm not worried about there being a second date. She's pretty. I like her.

 

I had to drop one of my two girlfriends Sunday night too. She just wanted too much of my time. She's a nice girl, but there's a better fit for me out there.

[Careerchoice]

I got flaked on twice by this girl who I matched with on Bumble recently. I'm still messaging her.

 

I got this girl's number at a football game in early September. She's responded to me only twice. I'm still messaging her.

 

I got my former medical provider's number in July and made out with her and hung out with her a few times afterwards. Her husband is going to move out with his new girlfriend in January. She only responds about half of the time. She says she's scared of boys. I understand and I'm going to stick with it. I'm going to keep messaging her.

 

I got my sister-in-law's best friend's number in March! We've never even went on a date before. She responds to me maybe 1 out of every 5 times. I'm still messaging her lol.

 

No one has any further comment? My advice took a pretty bad beating in this thread, but I've shown it can work. It takes barely any time to text someone. And I've trained myself out of being so sensitive about whether they text me back or not. What's the argument against taking the steps to adopting this mindset? I see two:

 

Time? - Texting takes barely any time.

Sensitive emotions? - Train yourself out of being so sensitive. I've given you the blueprint.

[Careerchoice]

Am dating a great guy now, same guy I started a thread about on which you gave me some sound advice, which I followed, so thanks for that!

 

If you go back and read, I actually never gave you any advice. I simply made an observation and a prediction that you would go out with him again regardless of what happened on the thread.

[bbogdanov]

I am texting with a few women recently (maybe a dozen LOL) and I got your advice for not giving a d**n about their responsiveness. I can't be less caring about whether someone likes me or not, whether someone responds to me or not etc. Maybe having a lot of options helps, too. I can say that I am now more calm and aloof and I am happy about my life, single or not.

[Careerchoice]

I am texting with a few women recently (maybe a dozen LOL) and I got your advice for not giving a d**n about their responsiveness. I can't be less caring about whether someone likes me or not, whether someone responds to me or not etc.

 

OK good. Keep that mindset for the time being. Once you have convinced yourself that you don't care, i.e., can do some of the things I posted above, then we can look at what you're doing and see if there are any areas for improvement. But you are not there yet. You need to get some experience before we can look for any trends.

[bbogdanov]

The biggest thing to improve is my insecurty about my looks (see my other topic here). Otherwise I think I am a good companion. Maybe I am a little bit reserved and fear pushing things forward with girls. I mean - I can't read signs and I don't try to become more intimate with a girl out of fear of rejection or scaring her away.

[Jibralta]

Looks are definitely not everything.

[bbogdanov]

Try explaining it to my brain I haven't managed to do it yet. I guess I, as a man, think that women look at the same qualities like us men do. Men are visual creatures and we do like beautiful women. Not that it's the most important thing but it's the first one we see...

[Jibralta]

Try explaining it to my brain I haven't managed to do it yet. I guess I, as a man, think that women look at the same qualities like us men do. Men are visual creatures and we do like beautiful women. Not that it's the most important thing but it's the first one we see...

 

WELL....ahem... I think "visual" is a euphemism for "a little more preoccupied with sex." Because women are just as visual as men in terms of spatial reasoning and artistic expression. I, personally, am an extremely visual person. My thought process is very nonlinear, so I must draw, color, or diagram things in order to understand them. I am pleased, put off, and often entertained by appearances, but appearances aren't usually the primary factor in the decision that I make about the overall quality of a man or a woman. I think that looks are important to women, but it isn't as much of a deciding factor for women as it is for men. And this would probably explain why one often sees very pretty girls with average-looking guys.

 

However, I do think that men and women see themselves and each other differently. For example, once upon a time, I worked with two guys named Victor. Victor R. was a couple years younger than me, outgoing, and flirtatious. Victor S. was a couple years older than me, quiet, and more mature and reserved. One day, I was having a conversation with some managers, two men and a woman, about Victor R. But it wasn't clear which Victor I was talking about, so one of the men asked, "Little Victor or Big Victor?" I said, "Little Victor." There was some confusion. The woman caught on and asked, "Victor R or Victor S?" I said, "Victor R." Then the men understood and I realized: Victor R was a big dude who was over 6 feet tall. I thought of him as little because of his personality. Victor S was actually my height (5'6"), and small by the men's standards. But personality-wise, he was bigger to me. My female coworker and I looked at each other and understood. She knew what I meant! And, probably since she was much older than I was, she realized how the men would see it and was able to help clarify.

 

I've seen this in other instances, where men notice the size of another man much quicker than I do. For example, I don't automatically measure a man's height and mass against the inanimate objects around him. But I have seen men do this, and even have conversations about it with each other (when the 'measured' man is on TV or something and not within hearing range!). I've never had a conversation like that with another women. I do visually assess men, but I have a different set of criteria. And there are other factors that are equally important to me, like intelligence, humor, decency, kindness, responsibility, financial independence, etc., and most importantly respect for, and a genuine liking of, ME. There must be some level of attraction, but it's not the deciding factor.

[bbogdanov]

Meanwhile I was on a date yesterday and thought it went well. Sent the girl a message this morning "Hi, ! I enjoyed our date last night and I'll be glad to meet you again some time soon." to which she responded with "Hi! I'm glad you liked it."... Ugh...

[Jibralta]

Sorry

 

Have patience. It can take time.

 

Do you have any single female friends or acquaintances?

[Careerchoice]

The biggest thing to improve is my insecurty about my looks (see my other topic here).

 

This topic has been beat to death over the past 15 years or so. The conclusion I've come to is that, yes, looks can help you with girls if you are a guy. But as a girl gets to know you, your looks become less important, and if you develop skill in attracting women, you can get girls attracted to you. There's just no doubt about it at this point.

 

For some reason, there are a lot of guys that refuse to believe this. They think women think like men, even though there's evidence to the contrary. I personally know this guy who is 5/10 in looks, was broke (drove a $950 car), and he was a whiz with girls. So I've seen it with my own eyes. Look for examples like these.

 

Otherwise I think I am a good companion.

 

Blindly believe that you are a good companion.

 

Maybe I am a little bit reserved and fear pushing things forward with girls. I mean - I can't read signs and I don't try to become more intimate with a girl out of fear of rejection or scaring her away.

 

This is something you can train yourself out of. Putting yourself in the position to take action as much as possible will help you the most. If you keep not taking action, you will get fed up and just start taking action.

[Careerchoice]

I guess I, as a man, think that women look at the same qualities like us men do.

 

No. You're completely incorrect. Women work differently than men. Obviously, you can be so good looking as a guy that girls will throw themselves at you, but that's such a small percentage of the male population (of which I am not a part of). Most guys have to rely on their personality and knowledge of how to attract girls to get and keep women.