Two dates and a lot of questions, opinions wanted

[Careerchoice]

I do want a relationship, I'm dating with that in mind. But don't get me wrong, it just feels strange when she does some things... All of you offer the advice of having fun on dates, getting to know the person, enjoying his/her company etc. In other words - let things progress naturally and be yourself. Like I said I enjoyed her company, we kissed on the second date, hugged etc. But three dates doesn't mean we are already an established couple and do things like such. That's what scared me a little bit.

 

Nothing strange about what she's doing.

[bbogdanov]

Sounds a LOT better than dating a girl who is calling her ex or other guys when you are not together and hooking up with them. Gross.

 

Of course it is a lot better, I am happy it is that way : )

 

What types of things is she doing that makes you think that SHE thinks you are an established couple?

 

Dude, there is nothing to be ''scared' of, define your boundaries, YOU set the pace.

 

She's moving too quickly?

 

Then slow it down! YOU have a say in this too you know, never allow the woman to run the show. YOU take control.

 

Assuming you like her, do you??? You attracted to her?

 

Feel that chemistry, energy like you did with the last girl who treated you like ****?

 

JMO but it doesn't sound like you do because if you did, you would welcome and enjoy her high interest, instead of being 'scared' of it, and finding fault after three dates.. Which is OK just be honest (within yourself) about that, and her.

 

I understand about not wanting an "instant relationship" but it would be helpful to know what she's doing that causes you to think that.

 

I can't remember the specific things now but I remember my feeling that night. I don't know if it's justified, that was the way I felt then. I really don't know much about "boundaries" so I can't define them, I guess. I like her and that's why I invited her to a date. I don't try to find faults in her and I won't stop dating her because of these feelings of mine, I am just a little confused and try to learn something new about me and about dating.

 

 

What's to be scared about? I doubt she is going to attack you. Put up some boundaries and set the pace. Don't be scared.

 

I hope she doesn't attack me Help will be appreciated about these "boundaries".

 

 

3. You are "going on dates" you are not "dating" (you are not exclusive). It's so early that it's alright that you have been messaging others. When shouldn't you arrange exclusivity?When you feel it's right. There is no "right time," except for when you both feel it's the time.

 

What's the difference between going on dates and dating??

[katrina1980]

OP, so from your last post, I gather it's NOT anything specific she is "doing" that is "scaring" you, but rather how you are "feeling"?

 

JMO as always but it sounds like you are uncomfortable when a woman positively responds to you and likes you too much!

 

You are not used to it. You don't know how to process it or how to handle it.

 

Could be a self-esteem issue, or fear, which goes back to my earlier post.

 

I have mentioned this before many times, but my brother is very similar to you.

 

Insists he wants nothing more than a "relationship" but whenever a woman displays high interest and it appears there is the potential for a relationship, which again he says he wants more than anything, his anxiety skyrockets, suddenly he is uncomfortable, feels pressure, and runs from it!

 

With girls who have low/no interest and/or jerk him around, he may complain but will continue chasing her until things become so toxic she will end it leaving him heartbroken.

 

He has serious relationship/commitment issues (he admits this) which is why this always happens.

 

What is your history?

 

Have you ever had a serious long term relationship (one year +)?

 

If so, what happened? Why did it end?

[bbogdanov]

My feeling has been provoked by some specific actions/words but I just can't remember well what it was, I will try to recall that night and share with you. That doesn't mean I blame her for my feelings/reactions, not at all. I just try to understand the situation more deeply.

 

I don't know if I am uncomfortable when a woman likes me too much. I don't know if I am able to handle it, too. Honestly, the last time I started a serious relationship was almost 5 years ago and the relationship itself went for 3 and a half years, so I may have "forgotten" what it's like

 

I don't really think I've got commitment issues but who knows... The more info I gather the better : )

[katrina1980]

My feeling has been provoked by some specific actions/words but I just can't remember well what it was, I will try to recall that night and share with you. That doesn't mean I blame her for my feelings/reactions, not at all. I just try to understand the situation more deeply.

 

I don't know if I am uncomfortable when a woman likes me too much. I don't know if I am able to handle it, too. Honestly, the last time I started a serious relationship was almost 5 years ago and the relationship itself went for 3 and a half years, so I may have "forgotten" what it's like

 

I don't really think I've got commitment issues but who knows... The more info I gather the better : )

 

OP, sorry to be "dissecting" this lol, but wondering, had your ex (the one who jerked you around) said the same things this girl did, would you have felt "scared" as you did/do with this girl?

 

Gathering info is good, but introspecting about your own reactions, motivations and behavior is even better!

 

Have you scheduled another date?

 

Oh, and if you have had a few dates and plan on (desire to) have more, then yes you are "dating."

 

NOT a "relationship" quite yet, unless you've discussed that's what it is.

 

Try to not overthink, or get ahead of yourself, and enjoy the process, one date at a time.

 

Have fun and good luck!

[figureitout23]

OPer, what would you say the last girl had that this girl doesn't. Really think about it.

[katrina1980]

OPer, what would you say the last girl had that this girl doesn't. Really think about it.

 

That is a great question!

 

The girl treated him horribly, never really wanted him (sorry OP) so his response to this question should be interesting.

[Pleasedonot5]

Imo "we're dating" implies exclusivity... And you're not exclusive with her.

[Careerchoice]

OPer, what would you say the last girl had that this girl doesn't. Really think about it.

 

I mean you're essentially asking him why he's attracted to the things he's attracted to. No one can answer that. It's not like it's a choice.

[katrina1980]

I mean you're essentially asking him why he's attracted to the things he's attracted to. No one can answer that. It's not like it's a choice.

 

True but if what attracts him are qualities that prevent him from having the RL he claims to want so badly, don't you think it would be beneficial for him to realize this?

 

So he can explore (within himself) in an effort to resolve?

 

I think figureitout was essentially asking him to do what I suggested too.

 

Introspect.

 

I mean let's face it, the last chick treated him horribly. Never wanted a RL with him.

 

So what was it about her and that situation that attracted him so much?

 

Apparently, she didn't "scare" him or make him uncomfortable like this girl, who "does" like him, does.

 

He complained but stayed and continued chasing. Seemed quite enthralled by her.

 

Why? What was it?

 

Challenge? Mystery? Wanting what you can't have?

 

Wouldn't hurt for him to consider these things as he continues on experiencing different women, dating and relationships.

[katrina1980]

Imo "we're dating" implies exclusivity... And you're not exclusive with her.

 

So you're not dating unless it's exclusive?

 

So what do you call it when you date someone regularly, but haven't discussed being exclusive yet??

 

To me it's all dating.

 

There is exclusive and non-exclusive, but it's all "dating", imo.

 

Hell, there are folks who are "dating" several different people simultaneously.

 

Called "multi-dating."

 

In this day and age, exclusivity should never be implied.

[Pleasedonot5]

Haha, we're getting further and further into semantics now... I was merely trying to prove a point: OP seems hung up on this person so much so that OP acts like they're exclusive -- but they aren't exclusive after a few dates. That's all I was getting at!

[Careerchoice]

True but if what attracts him are qualities that prevent him from having the RL he claims to want so badly, don't you think it would be beneficial for him to realize this?

 

So he can explore (within himself) in an effort to resolve?

 

No, because I don't think these things can be changed no matter how much you meditate on them. You like what you like.

 

I mean let's face it, the last chick treated him horribly. Never wanted a RL with him.

 

No. That's completely incorrect. There was opportunity there. He just didn't handle it right. He lacked the experience and skill necessary to get a girl like her.

 

So what was it about her and that situation that attracted him so much?

 

Apparently, she didn't "scare" him or make him uncomfortable like this girl, who "does" like him, does.

 

He complained but stayed and continued chasing. Seemed quite enthralled by her.

 

Why? What was it?

 

Challenge? Mystery? Wanting what you can't have?

 

Wouldn't hurt for him to consider these things as he continues on experiencing different women, dating and relationships.

 

He pursued it so much because I encouraged him to do so as a learning experience. He did not prefer the way she treated him.

[katrina1980]

@careerchoice, he continued to chase her because "you" encouraged him to do so?

 

Wow, didn't realize you had so much power and influence over one person but, okay!

 

And no in my opinion there was never any potential.

 

Wishing it so, doesn't make it so.

 

And yeah I realize he didn't "prefer" that she treat him so horribly, I never suggested he did.

 

But one has to wonder why he continued to remain so enthralled; another man with healthier boundaries, higher self-esteem, would have walked away from that * way before it became so dysfunctional that she dumped him.

 

But heck if you don't think it's worth him doing a little introspection, and self-reflection in an effort to better determine what motivates him and attracts him, so be it.

 

@Pleasedont, I didn't read it as HE wants exclusivity, he is jumping the gun and assuming she does, based on some things she said.

 

He told us their last date felt "strange" not as good as previous dates and that he felt "scared" by what was happening, whatever he is imagining that to be because, when asked, he couldn't provide specifics. Just said that's how he "felt."

 

My take is he is too much in his head.

 

Not judging cause I tend to be the same.

 

But I am aware of it and work through it so as to avoid jeopardizing potential relationships.

 

But you're right, it is all semantics at this point.

 

OP isn't even participating in this thread anymore, and here we are analyzing it all to the nth degree. Lol

 

I'm gonna stop, good luck OP! Hope you can work it all out.

[figureitout23]

No, because I don't think these things can be changed no matter how much you meditate on them. You like what you like.

 

Approaching the opposite sex in a self destructive way can always be fixed. He said himself he can't even pinpoint what it is he's uneasy about, it's just too easy.

 

 

 

No. That's completely incorrect. There was opportunity there. He just didn't handle it right. He lacked the experience and skill necessary to get a girl like her.e.

 

Didn't he say she was an average girl? I mean granted he said it after she rejected him but it was my understanding that she wasn't all that.

 

He pursued it so much because I encouraged him to do so as a learning experience. He did not prefer the way she treated him.

 

There's no way to respectfully respond to this, believe me I've been trying for like 5 minutes, so I'm just gonna leave it alone.

 

I'm wondering if you're reading what the OPer is writing. Others have concluded he's possibly self sabotaging. I haven't seen anyone but you conclude he wasn't following your advice right...

 

See there's no way to respond without it coming off snarky...

 

I'll just leave his quote here

 

 

No, I don't want to purposefully "find" red flags, don't get me wrong. I don't want to self-sabotage myself, I want a serious relationship. It just seems too "easy", too good to be true. Maybe I am now with the wrong mindset which I acquired after my last attempt to be with a girl I liked (you can read my previous posts from the summer) as I spent a lot of time chasing her and all I got was confusion... So now when things seem to happen quick and naturally I am comparing it to my last experience and it feels strange. But I guess that's the way things should happen?? Fluent, easy, pleasant? I hope so. Meanwhile we are going out this evening, so wish me luck

 

Backing away from someone because it seems 'too good to be true' feeling comfortable with chasing and confusion? kinda obvious to me but to each his own.

[katrina1980]

@figureitout, I am glad you found that last quote by OP.

 

Yeah pretty much says it all, right there.

[willdation]

I really just think we all gave you such great dating advice that now the girl is really into ya ;D If you want some tips to make her run away try the following:

 

- send her 5 text messages a day

- when she does not respond, send another loooooooong message 10 minutes later asking why she is ignoring you

- tell her that after 2 dates you are already thinking about marriage and kids

- always leave dates up to her and respond with, "I dunno, what do you want to do? Where would you like to go?"

- tell her you are not dating anyone and never had a date in 10 years

- when out on a date, just make sure to talk only about yourself and mention all your accomplishments. If you happen to ask her a question, don't remember any details. Details are not important.

 

LOL Actually, DON'T do that

[bbogdanov]

The last post really made me laugh, I appreciate that fun : D I AM here, I've not disappeared, bear in mind the time difference (I'm at GMT+2).

 

You really filled this thread with tons of useful info and I just can't reply to anyone but I will try to explain as much as I know/feel.

 

First - I don't have an "ex" that jerked me around, that was a girl I liked and wanted to go on dates with but we weren't bf/gf and, as you know, the situation was completely different then. I know that what I have now is not a relationship. I asked about the difference between dating and going on dates because english in not my native language. Trying to not overthink is a good advice, I guess I have a tendency towards doing it : D

 

I can't say what the previous girl had that the current one doesn't. Both of them are talkative, friendly, funny, etc. I can even say that both of them are similar in physical appearance, so I can't really think about the differences when it comes to the person's character. The attitude, though, is completely different as the current girl appears to like me. I should note that the previous girl was almost 32 while the current is 26 so there is a possibility the older one has some baggage and bitter experience with previous relationships.

 

Honestly, with the previous girl I was going to give up a lot of times. I didn't have other options at the moment so I decided to try my luck. I wasn't so attracted to her as you say, I liked her but I wasn't in love or something like that. I don't fall in love easily : D I just thought that if I stick for long enough things will progress. Here comes my little experience with women (three relationships for 4 months, an year and 3,5 years respectively) so don't judge me a lot : D

 

I am not hung up on this girl so much and I don't act like we are exclusive, she is the one that does it, at least that's what I felt the last time and that's what we are discussing here.

 

I have to be honest - careerchoice helped me a lot with the previous girl (as well as many other people here) and really encouraged me to chase her. The outcome and whether it was stupid of me to pursue her or not is not of importance. It was an experience and I'm grateful. So, yeah, careerchoice has power and influence over one person, in that case - me

 

If I try to remember some of the specifics, I recall her making some plans for the next several dates, like when/where we are going to eat sushi (I've never tasted it) for example. It felt like she is in charge and she's already arranged the foreseeable future for us. We talked about that sushi on the first date, too, and even then she told me she would take me to such a restaurant, implying that there would be another date (so she obviously likes me from the very first date). Another thing we discussed several times is how much she likes wine and cookies and she have no patience to take me to the Christmas bazaar. As strange as it may sound to all of you, these plans made me nervous and scared because I pictured myself set up for the next several months and chained to a relationship/person while we've been on just three dates and I hardly know her.

 

And now - FORGET all that I wrote above! Because as much as it seemed she like me, made plans for us etc. she just disappeared After our last date (Thursday evening), we didn't message each other for a couple of days and then I reached out on Saturday evening with a simple "Hello". I had to send a second message (the next day at noon) to see what's up and she said that everything is fine and disappeared again. I sent another two consecutive messages asking if there's much work so she doesn't have time to respond but she's not been active since then. So, yeah, go figure : D

[Careerchoice]

If I try to remember some of the specifics, I recall her making some plans for the next several dates, like when/where we are going to eat sushi (I've never tasted it) for example. It felt like she is in charge and she's already arranged the foreseeable future for us. We talked about that sushi on the first date, too, and even then she told me she would take me to such a restaurant, implying that there would be another date (so she obviously likes me from the very first date). Another thing we discussed several times is how much she likes wine and cookies and she have no patience to take me to the Christmas bazaar. As strange as it may sound to all of you, these plans made me nervous and scared because I pictured myself set up for the next several months and chained to a relationship/person while we've been on just three dates and I hardly know her.

 

And now - FORGET all that I wrote above! Because as much as it seemed she like me, made plans for us etc. she just disappeared After our last date (Thursday evening), we didn't message each other for a couple of days and then I reached out on Saturday evening with a simple "Hello". I had to send a second message (the next day at noon) to see what's up and she said that everything is fine and disappeared again. I sent another two consecutive messages asking if there's much work so she doesn't have time to respond but she's not been active since then. So, yeah, go figure : D

 

Don't make any assumptions. She may have something going on in her life that has nothing to do with you. Give her another few days and reach out to her again.

[bbogdanov]

I won't make assumptions but it's weird. Whatever she may have going on in her life it's strange to not even see my messages. Never mind. Honestly, I don't care. Not that I don't like her, I just got used to rejection and it doesn't bother me

[Careerchoice]

I just got used to rejection and it doesn't bother me

 

I know you are mostly joking by saying this, but this would actually be a good thing.

[bbogdanov]

I'm not joking. Of course with every rejection there is a little bad feeling in me but nothing special. I really get used to it and try to not take it personally.

[Careerchoice]

I'm not joking. Of course with every rejection there is a little bad feeling in me but nothing special. I really get used to it and try to not take it personally.

 

That is very excellent!

[Jibralta]

I hope she doesn't attack me Help will be appreciated about these "boundaries".

 

Well, it may be a little late for this response, but here goes:

 

Your boundaries need to exert themselves, so the first thing you need to do is RELAX and let it happen. Stop running ahead with your thought process and your boundaries will take care of themselves.

 

This girl did a couple of things that showed a little enthusiasm, and in your mind you shackled yourself to her. And now look: she's faded away. Her future plans were meaningless, after all. She was most likely just an enthusiastic person being enthusiastic. But your overthinking brain saw her as someone who was out to capture you. Of course your boundaries probably became unreasonably high as a result of all this excess thinking. Now she's probably out there feeling enthusiastic about something else, not worrying about a relationship with you because it never was a worry for her to begin with.

 

Try not to fret so much about these things. Put them in perspective and you will feel much better. What could she have actually done? Ask for your hand in marriage? Tell her no. That was easy

[Careerchoice]

This girl did a couple of things that showed a little enthusiasm, and in your mind you shackled yourself to her.

 

That's not what happened. He was just surprised by her actions. As he stated in his last post, he got the impression that she was boyfriending him before he may have been ready for it. He is not hung up on her.

 

Her future plans were meaningless, after all.

 

You don't know this. You don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. She could contact him within the next 5 minutes and ask him to come over and have sex with her. You don't know how it's going to go.

 

She was most likely just an enthusiastic person being enthusiastic. But your overthinking brain saw her as someone who was out to capture you. Of course your boundaries probably became unreasonably high as a result of all this excess thinking. Now she's probably out there feeling enthusiastic about something else, not worrying about a relationship with you because it never was a worry for her to begin with.

 

Or she may have been really into him and had a health issue in the family come up. This is all baseless speculation.