A list of 'could get with' girls

[thorough]

I was dating a guy for a while (not bf gf) but he never committed and I moved away from his country.

He recently decided to come and visit. Before he visited me, he was travelling alone in another country, where obviously he met some new people, guys and girls.

 

When he was visiting me, I accidentally saw that in his planner he wrote, during his travels that:

 

'could probably get with

- American girl (girl's name)

- English girl (name)

- Aussie girl (name)'

 

next to one of the girls name he wrote a 'tick' and 'that simple' a few days later.

 

Please tell me what I am supposed to make of this guy, and what this list reflects about him.

 

Is this normal, and what men do? or does it reflect something about him and that I should just forget about this man.

 

FYI, he's in his mid-twenties and a working professional.

 

Why try to analyze what's going on? He is obviously a player and just looking to get laid. I'd be turned off if a guy put me on his "list". I don't care what the guy looks like, does for a living etc, I wouldn't touch him w/a 10 foot pole since I'm looking for someone to have a relationship w/. A decent guy who is looking for something serious, no this behavior is not normal. This guy view women as just a check mark on a paper. If you want respect look for someone else.

[Jibralta]

Blueowl, is this the same guy you've posted about in your last few threads?

 

I agree with HollyJ--the time you spend moping over him could be spent searching for (or even being with) a guy you really like.

 

I think the list is a plan for sex, and that he slept with the girl or girls that he put the check mark and notes next to.

 

He tells you whatever you want to hear because that's all he need to do to keep you around.

[Giblesp]

Blueowl, is this the same guy you've posted about in your last few threads?

 

I agree with HollyJ--the time you spend moping over him could be spent searching for (or even being with) a guy you really like.

 

I think the list is a plan for sex, and that he slept with the girl or girls that he put the check mark and notes next to.

 

He tells you whatever you want to hear because that's all he need to do to keep you around.

 

I dont think the fact that he's looking to get laid is the issue. Many of us do that. The issue is that he lied to her about it.

 

If your going through a no strings attached phase, the right thing to do is to be honest from the start. What he's doing is not being honest to get laid which is manipulative, selfish behavior.

[Jibralta]

I dont think the fact that he's looking to get laid is the issue.

 

I never said that was the issue. I never even attempted to define the issue.

[blueowl32]

Blueowl, is this the same guy you've posted about in your last few threads?

 

I agree with HollyJ--the time you spend moping over him could be spent searching for (or even being with) a guy you really like.

 

I think the list is a plan for sex, and that he slept with the girl or girls that he put the check mark and notes next to.

 

He tells you whatever you want to hear because that's all he need to do to keep you around.

 

Hi Jibralta, this guy is the guy in most of my previous threads, but not the thread/ guy I met in June (the one who didn't wanna sleep with me).

 

I tried dating other guys. I have gone on dates with 5 guys this year (most ended after one date as I didn't want to meet them again), and some other guys were interested in me, tried to hang out/ ask me out. But for some reasons I don't feel anything at all for these guys. The strongest feeling amongst these guys that happened was with the June guy (the june thread) -he was moving away soon and also didn't want to have sex with me after finding out I was a virgin.

But I realised even with the June guy, he was just a distraction from this current guy. My mind keeps going back to this guy. I never moved on at all from him. There wasn't a day where I didn't think about him ever since I met him. - it sounds like madness, but I always just wanted to be with him, and can't bear the thought of him loving/ being with some other women who is not me. Am I not normal?

[blueowl32]

I dont think the fact that he's looking to get laid is the issue. Many of us do that. The issue is that he lied to her about it.

 

If your going through a no strings attached phase, the right thing to do is to be honest from the start. What he's doing is not being honest to get laid which is manipulative, selfish behavior.

 

He lied to me about not kissing/ having sex with any women.

But I am not sure if he exactly lied to me about being on the same page when he clearly didn't. I am not sure if he lied about going slowly with me. Basically, I was buying it when he said he did want a relationship, but that he is a slow burner and that these things takes time, especially for him.

I seem to become compassionate with him whenever he told me he has intimacy issues, and therefore went with his pace and overlook the red flag (that he might not have been that into me).

It's as if I buy that he did really want a relationship, tried it with me, but realised it didn't work, THEN went on with his single life again and having that list and all...

In his planner I saw that he wrote on one of these days he noted down 'X (his friend) said you made the right decision about her(me)', which happened a few days after we fought when he thought I was unreasonable.

So I feel like he did seriously consider me for more, but I ruined it and now he just decides single is definitely better and not even looking for commitment at all?

[blueowl32]

OP, I would address your own unavailability issues. If you really wanted a relationship, you would not continue to wait around for a guy who has told you that he does not want a relationship, and has never had a relationship. You are continuing to ignore massive red flags, and I suggest you address why. I think that you need to understand your self esteem issues, and why you do not believe you deserve better, than some dude, who is in his 20's, who is scoring women. Yuck! Honestly, before I read you history, I thought he was a teenager.

 

Please address you own issues and poor choices in people. I also suggest that you look at baggagereclaim.com as it focuses on unavailability.

 

Hollyj, thanks for referring to the site. I have read a bit of it and it sounds helpful and really identify problems.

re what you said about unavailability,

please read my posts #55 and 56 as well as:

I don't believe I really wanted a relationship. I just really wanted a relationship with him because I am so into him, does that make sense? Like, I was not looking for a relationship and haven't been, but when someone I really like came into my life (him), I want a relationship with him?

 

At first, I felt things might not be right (I didn't feel he was interested/ into me in the way most guys who used to like me would make me feel) and wanted to end things, but he would convince me he was looking for a relationship, told me he was only dating me and only intend to do so, asked me not to push him away. He said he's a slow burner and things like these takes time. He said he has intimacy issues so he opens up slower, and convinced that he likes me (in words). He would message me daily and check that I was doing ok. Before each of my exams back then he would remember and text me the dates to wish me. I was quite stressed at that time and he was a strong support for me.

 

Also, another reason why I became so into him was because I trusted him to be what I thought he was - a truly decent man who doesn't lie and not one of those dudes who would try to score women, sleep with them and actively rate women.

[Jibralta]

Am I not normal?

 

Well, who knows what 'normal' is?

 

But I don't think what you're doing is practical or reasonable. You need to weigh out the pros and cons of a situation and determine what's good for you. In this case, you seem to have suspended that process in favor of some feelings. I don't think that's good at all.

[abitbroken]

Also, another reason why I became so into him was because I trusted him to be what I thought he was - a truly decent man who doesn't lie and not one of those dudes who would try to score women, sleep with them and actively rate women.

And now that he's not the man that you thought he is....?

[blueowl32]

He talked today again.

He said this whole time he was always looking for a girlfriend and would commit when it feels right and comfortable.

He denied he was not into me.

He said me leaving and being on the other side of the world made him not feel comfortable, and that me saying I would stay there for him wasn't making him comfortable.

 

Excuses and stringing?

[thorough]

He talked today again.

He said this whole time he was always looking for a girlfriend and would commit when it feels right and comfortable.

He denied he was not into me.

He said me leaving and being on the other side of the world made him not feel comfortable, and that me saying I would stay there for him wasn't making him comfortable.

 

Excuses and stringing?

 

Yes a guy can pretend to be into to you, when he is in fact stringing you along.

[Jibralta]

Excuses and stringing?

 

Yes, indeed.

[Honeycomb8]

How old are you?

Why are you so naive and gullible?

[blueowl32]

How old are you?

Why are you so naive and gullible?

Elaborate please.

Not that young but inexperienced.

I trusted him. He put on a good act and I was in love with this loser.

[Hollyj]

Elaborate please.

Not that young but inexperienced.

I trusted him. He put on a good act and I was in love with this loser.

 

 

He is a disrespectful player that does not want a commitment. You should have been done with this long ago.

[katrina1980]

He is a disrespectful player that does not want a commitment. You should have been done with this long ago.

 

How is he a "disrespectful player"?

 

He NEVER promised her anything, in fact OP herself said they were never bf/gf and not exclusive or committed.

 

SHE wanted more so chose to stick around, that's on HER.

 

Then went snooping through his planner and discovered there were other women..

 

What did she expect? Again he never made any promises to her.

 

Plus he's traveling for heavens sake.

 

Of course he is gonna want to experience each country he visits, including the women.

 

They are and were never committed or exclusive.

 

But now he's a "distrespectful player"?

 

Not getting that, but whatever you're entitled to your opinion.

[Jibralta]

He NEVER promised her anything, in fact OP herself said they were never bf/gf and not exclusive or committed.

 

That's not entirely accurate. He lead her to believe that it was possible, and she waited.

 

the difference was that he told me he was on the same page as I was at first, he said he wanted a girlfriend.

[katrina1980]

So he 'said' a relationship was "possible" and that he was looking for "a" girlfriend.

 

So what?

 

That doesn't mean he meant with blueowl necessarily or that he wanted blueowl as his girlfriend.

 

The reality is she was NOT his gf nor were they in a "relationship" exclusive or otherwise. This is what she should have paid attention to. Not what he said was "possible."

 

Based on this, he had every right to pursue other women without being deemed disrespectful or a "player."

 

bluowl caught feelings, SHE wanted more and allowed her expectations get the best of her.

 

She admitted that.

 

It didn't work out according to "her" plan, and now she's hurt.

 

Unless I missed something, that is all this is.

[Jibralta]

So he 'said' a relationship was "possible" and that he was looking for "a" girlfriend.

 

So what?

 

Come on.

 

Blue Owl: I have lemonade

 

Guy: I love lemonade. I would love to have a glass.

 

Anyone would put two and two together and think he was going to have a glass of her lemonade. And he didn't try to correct her and say, hey sorry, I don't want your lemonade.

 

So, on a technicality you are correct, but in the realm of human relationships it's a dck move.

[katrina1980]

Come on.

 

Blue Owl: I have lemonade

 

Guy: I love lemonade. I would love to have a glass.

 

Anyone would put two and two together and think he was going to have a glass of her lemonade. And he didn't try to correct her and say, hey sorry, I don't want your lemonade.

 

So, on a technicality you are correct, but in the realm of human relationships it's a dck move.

 

I don't know Jibralta. In my experience, men say lots of things especially in very early stages.

 

In one ear and out the other, they're just words.

 

I pay attention to actions and what is actually happening.

 

I might continue dating him but lower the expectations.

 

I certainly would not base anything on what he said was "possible." Or that he wanted "a" girlfriend.

 

Sure anything is possible. It's possible I may win the lottery next week, I'm not gonna go charging up a ton of expensive items because it might be "possible." That's just dumb.

 

If you or others want to teach her that she should place such importance on "words" and what a man "says" is possible instead of what is actually happening, so be it.

 

She will continue deluding herself into believing in something that has not yet become a reality. And getting hurt. And then blaming the guy for "misleading" her.

 

I for one think it's best to teach her to pay attention to what is actually happening and not rely on words or "possibilities."

 

Best of luck moving forward blueowl.

[Jibralta]

In my experience, men say lots of things especially in very early stages.

 

In one ear and out the other, they're just words.

 

I pay attention to actions and what is actually happening.

 

I might continue dating him but lower the expectations.

 

So basically, you're similar to Blue Owl in that you both find it acceptable when people say one thing but do another. The difference is that you recognize that they are liars or disingenuous, you accept it, and you cope with it by letting their words go in one ear and out the other, and/or lowering your expectations for them.

 

Blue Owl, on the other hand, maintains the same high level of expectation that she started with. Frankly, I don't think it's a bad thing to expect people to tell the truth. But she needs to learn that some people don't tell the truth, and act accordingly. Unfortunately, she is undermined by her own naivete or gullibility.

 

And sorry, but if you're a liar, then you're not worth much in my book.

 

I for one think it's best to teach her to pay attention to what is actually happening and not rely on words or "possibilities."

 

So do I. And part of that is holding a person to their word, not accepting or making adjustments when they try to change the truth.

[katrina1980]

Jibralta, I think you have twisted my words to mean something they don't, in an effort to fit your own narrative.

 

I am fairly certain you know exactly what I meant.

 

It is not smart to base anything on possibilities or words and instead let a man's actions and what is actually happening lead the way.

 

Words mean jack shyt in my world, and unless he "does" something like stand me up, flake, constantly break dates, or any other such disrespectful behavior, I will continue to date him, assuming I felt we shared a strong chemistry and connection, lower the expectations and play it out.

 

That said, I am a "one at a time dater" so if I discovered he was juggling several women, I would probably stop seeing him. But maybe not, it would depend.

 

But I certainly would not accuse him of being a "player" or disrespectful. Which is what my main gripe is.

 

Again, he never made any promises, and from what I read, he never lied to her.

 

Lying is a dealbreaker for me. So if I felt he lied, my opinion would be different.

 

Possibilities or saying he wants "a" gf does not a relationship make.

[Jibralta]

We see differently on this.

[katrina1980]

We see differently on this.

 

What do you think our differences are based on?

 

This situation or our own respective experiences with men?

 

And based on our experiences, you felt he lied to her and I don't?

 

Please enlighten me, seriously I may have missed something important.

 

Did he tell her they were in an exclusive relationship?

 

Not "led her to believe," that is too ambiguous and based on blueowl's own interpretation based on her own expectations.

 

IF, in fact he did tell her and agree to be in an exclusive relationship with her, and pursuing these other women in his planner, then I take back what I said.

 

He lied and is a "player," a "cad," and disrespectful.

 

But I didn't read where he agreed to that (exclusivity).

 

He only said it was possible and he was wanting "a" girlfriend.

 

Two entirely different things.

 

Not to mention, blue herself said in her original post they were NOT BF/gf and NOT in an exclusive relationship. So she KNEW what was happening and chose to proceed forward anyway.

 

But we can agree to disagree Jibralta, it would not be the first time that's happened, and no doubt won't be the last.

[Hollyj]

How is he a "disrespectful player"?

 

He NEVER promised her anything, in fact OP herself said they were never bf/gf and not exclusive or committed.

 

SHE wanted more so chose to stick around, that's on HER.

 

Then went snooping through his planner and discovered there were other women..

 

What did she expect? Again he never made any promises to her.

 

Plus he's traveling for heavens sake.

 

Of course he is gonna want to experience each country he visits, including the women.

 

They are and were never committed or exclusive.

 

But now he's a "distrespectful player"?

 

Not getting that, but whatever you're entitled to your opinion.

 

I think that keeping a tally of women and how they performed is gross, disrespectful and immature. I was referring to him as a human being.

 

"He said I was the only he was dating exclusively. He lied repeatedly about not seeing/ hooking up with/ dating / kissing anyone else at all!

He said he came to visit me only for me. He called me his girl."

 

I strongly suggest you reread her comments.