Best friend's criminal boyfriend threatened me

[LadyBug1988]

My best girlfriend is dating 50 year old man who has served time in prison for pimping and drug dealing. He is old enough to be both of our fathers, and is very angry and condescending (from the stories she tells me). She said he was friends with her mother when she was a little girl and she was afraid of him after seeing him beat a man bloody with his bare hands.

 

She says things like, "He's way more mature than me, and he gets annoyed with my personality. You know how I'm kinda ditzy and forgetful, I'm a complete blonde sometimes". She always goes, "Oh I could never get away with making a sarcastic comment to him. He really keeps me in check." My friend is a LPN and single mother, she drives a nice car, and lives in a beautiful luxury apartment. She goes on a minimum of three exotic vacations each year, and her daughter is super smart and confident.

 

She hasn't had a boyfriend since she separated with her daughter's father, and has been saying how bad she wants a man for years. My friend is very strong, competent and independent, but lately she's been changing. We had a conversation the other day where she said it's okay for a man to beat and kill his wife, no matter how bad your husband abuses you, the right thing to do is stay with him. She said if he kills you, to death do you part and you've made the right decision. She started praising this elderly woman we both know who let her husband beat her crippled, she lost a leg and took care of him until he died.

 

I asked her if she was worried about her daughter seeing this man abuse her, and she said she watched her own father abuse her mother and they separated but never divorced. She said people have fights and a man physically hurting her is okay, and the reason I don't have one is cause I'm too scared.

 

We went out partying this weekend, and she said she texted another guy she has been dating with the same name as the criminal a mean text. She later realized she texted the wrong one and sent that criminal the mean text instead. The next day I saw a ton of requests on Instagram and I accepted them, something told me to take a closer look and I realized the dangerous man my friend was dating followed me. I told her and she said she lied that morning and told him I was the one who sent that text from her phone. She then sent me screenshots of him threatening to attack me and saying now he knows who I am. He said, "She has no idea what she has gotten herself into, she better pray I never find her but I know who she is now. Wait until I get her, she's gonna know who I am."

 

I was so upset because he was threatening me over a lie my friend told him. I NEVER touched her phone that night and she set me up. I went on Truth Finder and did a background report in him and he had a long history of drug dealing, resistance arrest, and other violent crimes. I also saw that he DID serve time in prison and he lives 15 minutes away from me! I told my parents and siblings and showed them the pictures of him in case they see him lurking, and I blocked him on Instagram. My friend asked me why I blocked him like I was overreacting, I told her because he's DANGEROUS!!!

 

My friend and this man have only been dating for one month, he has never taken her on a date, but sleeps with her every night. She claims they're not in a relationship, but I saw her begging for his forgiveness so he wouldn't hurt me (or leave her) in those texts. I really care about this girl, she's one of my very best friends, but this man has crossed a serious boundary. I'm not sure what I should even do right now.

[agent1607307371]

Sounds like she's now in an abusive relationship. And other than be there for her when she leaves, there's not a lot you can do for her. Focus on keeping yourself safe - and right now that means dialling your friendship with her back -she's using you as a scapegoat and possibly putting you in real danger. Don't chance it.

[LadyBug1988]

Sounds like she's now in an abusive relationship. And other than be there for her when she leaves, there's not a lot you can do for her. Focus on keeping yourself safe - and right now that means dialling your friendship with her back -she's using you as a scapegoat and possibly putting you in real danger. Don't chance it.

 

Do you think I should tell her? I haven't told her about the background report. I should probably just not say anything and tell her I'm busy all the time. I just feel like I should be honest though with her.

[Coolstorybro]

I'd block your so called "best friend" too.

[j.man]

Do you think I should tell her? I haven't told her about the background report. I should probably just not say anything and tell her I'm busy all the time. I just feel like I should be honest though with her.

Lol. If he physically threatened her so-called best friend with violence and she still wants to bed with him, why in the world would a criminal history make a difference? Threats of assault are a-OK but larceny is a no-go?

[Batya33]

I would not get involved at all because you don't know what she will tell him you said/asked. Keep as far away as possible.

[rosephase]

That's awful. I'm so sorry you are going through this. In your shoes I would write your friend (I tend to write things out when stuff is emotionally heavy so I can make sure I'm saying what I mean) and let her know what you see. Ask her to leave him and explain that if he is in her life then you need to stay away form her for your own safety. And that it is to hard to watch someone you care about make such terrible choices. I wouldn't pull any punches. Remind her that this guy is around her daughter.

[Batya33]

That's awful. I'm so sorry you are going through this. In your shoes I would write your friend (I tend to write things out when stuff is emotionally heavy so I can make sure I'm saying what I mean) and let her know what you see. Ask her to leave him and explain that if he is in her life then you need to stay away form her for your own safety. And that it is to hard to watch someone you care about make such terrible choices. I wouldn't pull any punches. Remind her that this guy is around her daughter.

 

I strongly suggest not putting anything about him in writing because you don't know where it will go and what he or his friends will see. And they will know where you live.

[LadyBug1988]

Sounds like she's now in an abusive relationship. And other than be there for her when she leaves, there's not a lot you can do for her. Focus on keeping yourself safe - and right now that means dialling your friendship with her back -she's using you as a scapegoat and possibly putting you in real danger. Don't chance it.

 

I strongly suggest not putting anything about him in writing because you don't know where it will go and what he or his friends will see. And they will know where you live.

 

My gut feeling is telling me she will tell him where I live and work if she hasn't already.

[DancingFool]

Unfortunately, your friend is neither strong nor independent. She comes from abuse and she is choosing to be with what is comfortable and familiar to her - abuse. Not only that, but she is going out of her way to justify her choices and make them sound reasonable. She is also attacking you and looking down on you, "you are single because you aren't loyal and won't put up with a good beating." It's sad when people you care about go on this path, but the best you can do at this point is to actually distance yourself as far as possible.

 

Do not confront her, do not write anything or text anything, do not say a single word against him because as incomprehensible as this is to you, she will run to him and show him whatever you say against him. Her loyalty is 10000% to her abuser. Deep down, your friend is one messed up lady and only she can ever pull herself together and get out of this. The best that you can do is tell her that you'll always be there for her, no questions asked. That IF she ever needs anything, even if you haven't talked in years, she can call on you even at 3:00am if that's what happens to be and you'll be there for her and do whatever needs to be done without comment. Make sure she gets it and then back away. Maybe some day she'll come to her sense and maybe there will come that day that she desperately needs help and she'll actually call on you. However, the more you try to convince her to get out, the more you try to show what a horror she is involved with, the more you'll ensure that she becomes isolated and will never pick up that phone when she finally realizes she needs it.

[Seraphim]

If she is being abused her daughter by default is being abused. I would call children services . And give them the information that you have on this fellow and the texts and whatever else .

[Batya33]

My gut feeling is telling me she will tell him where I live and work if she hasn't already.

 

Right. Which is why nothing more should be put in writing. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

[itsallgrand]

I'd absolutely call family services and I would break all contact with this woman. Truth is, as much as you may care about her, you can not trust her at all. She is not your friend.

 

I learned this too the hard way when a friend of mine was being abused and put me in danger as part of her game with her abuser.

 

Your friend makes her choices but a child deserves to be protected- the daughter can not do it for herself.

 

I'd always 100% protect a child first over any other loyalties. And my first loyalty is with myself and my values. You have to report to yourself at the end of the day. Go with that - YOUR inner values and self.

[Seraphim]

I'd absolutely call family services and I would break all contact with this woman. Truth is, as much as you may care about her, you can not trust her at all. She is not your friend.

 

I learned this too the hard way when a friend of mine was being abused and put me in danger as part of her game with her abuser.

 

Your friend makes her choices but a child deserves to be protected- the daughter can not do it for herself.

 

I'd always 100% protect a child first over any other loyalties. And my first loyalty is with myself and my values. You have to report to yourself at the end of the day. Go with that - YOUR inner values and self.

Amen sister.

[Coily]

One thing I want to jump on here is his threats toward you, these have to be from him not second hand. Do you have them in a document-able format? Texts, emails, posts on social media ( think the OP mentioned screen shots)? If so you may want to consider making a police report or at the very least keeping a few hard copies of this evidence just in case.

 

Part of this is for your protection (or at least shows a record of threats toward you if you need to get restraining orders etc) and the other part if for the Child and your friend's protection if ever there is an incident where he is brought into custody. This guy doesn't sounds like the typical domestic abuse perp, sounds like he will go against anyone that gets in his way. I know it's rough but you need to steer clear of regular interactions with her, but be supportive if she wants out of that toxic relationship or needs to be taken to a shelter.

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't try to handle this on my own. I would contact one of the domestic violence hotlines on the Internet that services your country. They are experienced and will give you some immediate do's and don'ts while referring you for local help. The local people will help you make a plan to stay safe during their assessment and plan for friend's child, at very least, and possibly friend if she's reachable and willing to accept help.

 

I would NOT go straight to child services because that leaves your own safety exposed and at the mercy of an overburdened bureaucracy that may not regard you as part of their scope of protection. I'd rather work with experienced people who know how to be stealthy while they give you options to lower your own personal risk as they assess the whole situation.