Just saw friend's married father on Tinder.....OMG

[Starlight925]

Title says it all......

 

He's in my age range, so he came up for me to swipe. He actually has 4 photos, all very recent.

 

Back story: This man is actually extended family of my exBF! When we broke up, he wrote me a very nice Facebook message saying that he wanted to remain FB friends with me, and that he was "sure our paths would cross again".

 

He lives in another city, but comes to my city for work often. I did write back to his Facebook message, and honestly, I got a flirty vibe from it. I then brushed it off, until I was swiping....O.M.G.

 

He's married for about 2 years now to the nicest woman on the planet. This is his 3rd marriage, and he moved this woman cross-country. He posts on Facebook often of how lucky he is, how wonderful she is, etc.

 

OMG.....what do I do.....if anything?

 

The match is sitting in my Tinder matches, I have yet to swipe.....

[AtitAgain]

Super Like him!!!

[electricorchid]

This is disturbing, but I'm not shocked. People are shady and honestly if he sent you that message after you and your ex broke up: RED flag. This is just yet another RED flag. I would screenshot the out of it, and swipe left. Let the universe work itself out for him.

[Starlight925]

Yes, I screen-shotted all of his profile pics.

 

Update: He just sent me a Facebook message just saying hi, that he was in my city last night. So, I must have come up in his matches too.

 

Jeez.

[HeartGoesOn]

He's obviously hitting on you. I would block him along with the knowledge that given enough rope, he'll hang himself.

 

What a sleaze!

[shellyf62]

How disgusting!!!!

I have found guys on Tinder that are friends of friends.

I asked one friend if she knew of one guy. She said yes and he is in a long term relationship with a lovely girl too.

I swiped left & hope karma gets him

[ThatwasThen]

Maybe they're in an open relationship?

 

Just ignore him.

[Fudgie]

Since you've taken screenshots, I would reply to his FB message and tell him that you're not interested in and that unless he wants his wife seeing the screenshots you've taken, you suggest that he leaves you alone.

[SherrySher]

I would take the screenshots and tell the wife.

I am one who believes that anyone with knowledge of someone being messed with, should say something. If you just sit there, you become part of the problem.

He's a sleaze and he should be outed. That poor woman!

[Fudgie]

I would take the screenshots and tell the wife.

I am one who believes that anyone with knowledge of someone being messed with, should say something. If you just sit there, you become part of the problem.

He's a sleaze and he should be outed. That poor woman!

 

Honestly, I would probably do the same, if I had a way to contact the wife. If I didn't know her name and couldn't find a FB profile, oh well.

 

But OP, if you can find her on FB? It can't hurt. I know if I had a cheating spouse, I'd want someone to tell me. You can always send a small message like "Hey, I used to date x in your family....your husband showed up in my tinder feed and also sent me a flirty FB message. I declined but I want you to know in case you are not aware. I'm sorry" and attach the screenshots.

 

That way, the ball is in her court. If she wants to stick her head in the sand and believe his lies, then that's her choice. But she can also do something else about it if she so chooses. You're just arming her with knowledge and that's it.

[Starlight925]

She's not on Facebook. She's honestly just the nicest woman in the world, and she left her (grown) kids to move cross country to marry him. They actually dated long distance for over a year before he begged her to move, to be in the same city, to see if they could be compatible. A year later, they married, and it's been about 2 years now.

 

He's a huge Facebook poster, and he's always posting all this "luckiest guy in the world" stuff with photos of her. He's also the nicest, most charismatic, funniest guy in the world.....yeah right.

 

I don't have an easy way to contact her.

 

Since his son is actually the family member I know the most, I'm inclined to keep my mouth shut, because I know his son would be so hurt. His son is an adult, and he recently married my exBF's daughter, and it would devastate them.

 

I'm keeping the screen shots for now, and if he actually hits on me, I'll copy the messages and figure a way to send it all to his wife. It's a long story, but I do know of one way to contact her. Yikes.

 

This is his 3rd marriage, and he cheated many times on the 1st, which led to their divorce, as he married one of the affair-women. They divorced, so now he's married this 3rd time to this kind woman. I hate to hurt her. What a horrible position to be in.

[Honeycomb8]

I'd screenshot and tell her. If I was being cheated on, I'd want to know.

[SherrySher]

Me too. I can't stand the idea that someone knew but let me dangle like that.

 

I know it's hard for someone else to get involved and you question if it's your place, but please, move past that and consider how this women is being victimized and has no clue. He shouldn't be getting away with it.

 

Even if you have to do it anonymously, let her know.

[Starlight925]

I did screenshot it. He had 4 photos, and they are very recent. He's a middle-aged man, and it's easy to see the difference between photos of him even 5 years ago to today, especially in looking at the graying of his hair. These photos are literally within 6 months old.

 

He's in his 3rd marriage:

 

I'm trying to get in touch with his 1st wife (mother of his son), with whom I became close (he is on his 3rd wife now). LSS, his 1st wife told me that he cheated on her multiple times and married one of his affairs.

 

In his words, the 2nd wife was "crazy", which I now realize was probably because she didn't trust him, as he was probably doing the same to her.

 

Wife #3, current wife, is a sweet but rather quiet and very down-to-earth, the type who would just never suspect a thing.

 

CW (current wife) is not on social media at all, nor do I have a number, and I did not grow close enough to talk to her much. But, she became very good friends with #1, as #1 and CH (cheating husband, lol) are long past their difficulties, and #1 is the mother of CH's son. #1 just wants a nice woman to be there for her son, so she took it upon herself to become good friends with CW.

 

I became close with #1, and I sent her a Facebook message just saying hi after I broke up with exBF. I can see that she still hasn't read that message, but whenever she does, it will open up a conversation for us, and I will tell her. She happens to be a marriage counselor! And she will know how to handle it.

 

I'll update whenever I hear from her!

[Starlight925]

Also: I don't want him to know that I know. Because then he'll just delete and deny. Even though I have the screenshots, he'll say to his wife, "Oh baby, that was all before I met you" or some such crap.

 

So I purposely didn't let on to him that I know.

[Batya33]

Oh this is so gross and awful. I'm usually not a fan of telling the wife but in this case -I'm glad you've put the wheels in motion. So sorry you have to go through this.

[lsilva]

LHGirl... you know that this might be seem as "she is doing this to get back to her ex"right? If you are not friends with his wife.. let it go...

[Starlight925]

LHGirl... you know that this might be seem as "she is doing this to get back to her ex"right? If you are not friends with his wife.. let it go...

 

The guy on Tinder is not my ex. He's loosely related to my ex.

[abitbroken]

Why would you bother communciating with wife #1? I understand she is a marriage counselor, but she is your ex's mom.

 

Wife #3, current wife, is a sweet but rather quiet and very down-to-earth, the type who would just never suspect a thing.

 

Being down to earth doesn't mean she won't suspect. In fact, she may be a very practical woman and may have already suspected something. Being outwardly quiet has nothing to do with what's going on on the inside. She could be more introverted, but it doesn't mean she is passive. Or she and her husband may have an "arrangement". You don't know. And its not your business.

 

I think if i were you, i would just tell them "i would love to see you AND YOUR WIFE. Maybe i'll phone her and set something up!"

[Starlight925]

Why would you bother communciating with wife #1? I understand she is a marriage counselor, but she is your ex's mom.

 

Wife #3, current wife, is a sweet but rather quiet and very down-to-earth, the type who would just never suspect a thing.

 

Being down to earth doesn't mean she won't suspect. In fact, she may be a very practical woman and may have already suspected something. Being outwardly quiet has nothing to do with what's going on on the inside. She could be more introverted, but it doesn't mean she is passive. Or she and her husband may have an "arrangement". You don't know. And its not your business.

 

I think if i were you, i would just tell them "i would love to see you AND YOUR WIFE. Maybe i'll phone her and set something up!"

 

I realize this sounds confusing.

 

Wife # 1 is NOT my ex's mom.

 

All of these people are loosely related by marriage to my ex.

 

My ExBF has an adult daughter.

Daughter is married.

Daughter's husband's dad is the one on Tinder.

Ex #1 is daughter's husband's mom.

Current wife is daughter's husband's dad's 3rd wife.

 

Ex #1 (daughter's husband's mom) has long since been remarried and lives in another state.

 

I don't talk to ANY of them. But during my relationship, Ex #1 and I became close (she is my exBF's daughter's husband's mom).

 

This is why the dilemma. Because I don't keep in touch with any of them, should I reach out that he's on Tinder?

[abitbroken]

I would stay out of their lives and simply send him a message that "i would love to see your wife again, so let's plan for the three of us to meet". or "I have screenshotted our conversations. Would you like to show them to your wife, or would you like me to?" And don't involve the first wife or the second wife or your ex or whomever. That will shut him down.

[SherrySher]

It won't shut him down. He will leave the site, carry onto another and continue cheating on this woman. He needs to be outed so this poor woman has a chance and isn't going to be strung along for months or years more.

No one deserves that.

[caro33]

I agree he should be outed to the third wife, very carefully. By all means, take a photo of the screen with it next to today's paper. He can't say it was from the old days then. I think telling ex-wife nbr 1 is the way to go. I wouldn't mention the Facebook stuff because that's open to interpretation. The tinder shots aren't. You can then bow out of the situation.

[Starlight925]

I took 4 screenshots, as he has 4 pics, and they are dated.

 

I haven't ever done anything with them, largely because he's loosely related to my exBF, and I am strict NC with him, and I just don't want to associate with anyone involved with my ex.

 

I will very likely never see these people again in my life, unless it's by accident.

 

I don't want to even risk breaking my NC, as for me, NC with my exBF has to mean NC with his family & friends too. I've removed them all.

[caro33]

I took 4 screenshots, as he has 4 pics, and they are dated.

 

I haven't ever done anything with them, largely because he's loosely related to my exBF, and I am strict NC with him, and I just don't want to associate with anyone involved with my ex.

 

I will very likely never see these people again in my life, unless it's by accident.

 

I don't want to even risk breaking my NC, as for me, NC with my exBF has to mean NC with his family & friends too. I've removed them all.

 

That's fair enough. Given the situation, if it's going to cost you some mental health to out him then I agree that it's a cost you shouldn't pay. It's unfortunate for wife nbr 3, but it's not like there weren't warning signs for her, and it can't be your responsibility.