Should I pursue this guy further, or not?

[milly007]

I heard from him.

 

He said his vacay was relaxing, but work is crazy and that he's still playing catch up.

 

He asked how I was.

 

Told him things were well, but crazy at work too.

 

I'll let you know how it progresses, or if I hear anything back. Time will tell

[milly007]

He then replied by saying "Hah, well then I wish us both good luck this week".

 

And then a second text: "Maybe when the dust settles for both of us we can find some time for fun".

 

I said: "I'm not sure about you, Mr., but I always make time for fun; despite the limited amount of time I have. Fun is kinda, sorta essential, ya know?

 

I'm sure we can arrange something.

 

You sound extremely busy, so I'll leave it to you. Good luck!"

[milly007]

It just seemed like a fairly lacklustre reply.

 

The ball's in his court now.

[katrina1980]

He then replied by saying "Hah, well then I wish us both good luck this week".

 

And then a second text: "Maybe when the dust settles for both of us we can find some time for fun".

 

I said: "I'm not sure about you, Mr., but I always make time for fun; despite the limited amount of time I have. Fun is kinda, sorta essential, ya know?

 

I'm sure we can arrange something.

 

You sound extremely busy, so I'll leave it to you. Good luck!"

 

His second text sounds more tentative than lackluster, IMO.

 

Like he's not sure of you either.

 

I think it's hard sometimes when two people connect very briefly, like two dates, and then one goes off on vacation for two weeks and there is no communication during that time.

 

The connection is lost, and often times difficult to get back after only having two dates.

 

You both sound ambivalent tbh. Your response wasn't all that enthusiastic either.

 

I hope it works out though, and think it's good you reached out!

[milly007]

His second text sounds more tentative than lackluster, IMO.

 

Like he's not sure of you either.

 

I think it's hard sometimes when two people connect very briefly, like two dates, and then one goes off on vacation for two weeks and there is no communication during that time.

 

The connection is lost, and often times difficult to get back after only having two dates.

 

You both sound ambivalent tbh. Your response wasn't all that enthusiastic either.

 

I hope it works out though, and think it's good you reached out!

 

After two weeks of not communicating, I guess I would expect us to be more enthusiastic about communicating, if there's interest.

 

I know I'm scared of being hurt, but I really am trying here. I don't know if he's just not as interested, or feeling the same way as me - scared. Again, time will tell.

 

At this point though, I'm putting it out if my mind.

 

Talking about meeting up at some point down the road when the dust settles just doesnt do much for me.

 

I want to look towards making dates a priority. I don't want them to think I'm not willing to make time for them.

 

If you care, or are interested, you make the time. You don't wait for dust to settle.

[milly007]

His second text sounds more tentative than lackluster, IMO.

 

Like he's not sure of you either.

 

 

When you say "like he's not sure of you either". Meaning, interest?

[Honeycomb8]

If you were interested in someone, you'd want to see them again soon right? You'd want to talk to them regularly, or at least not just leave things silent for two weeks.

 

I think the interest is lukewarm, and he's just a busy guy. But then again, busy guys would make time, and would make plans if they were keen enough.

[milly007]

If you were interested in someone, you'd want to see them again soon right? You'd want to talk to them regularly, or at least not just leave things silent for two weeks.

 

I think the interest is lukewarm, and he's just a busy guy. But then again, busy guys would make time, and would make plans if they were keen enough.

 

I agree with this.

 

I'm extremely busy too, but am looking to make time.

 

I'm sensing the lukewarm as well.

[katrina1980]

 

When you say "like he's not sure of you either". Meaning, interest?

 

millie, it's like I said, his second text sounded 'tentative' (done without confidence, hesitant).

 

It's hard to say why, could be he's not all that interested, lukewarm as you said.

 

But if that were the case, why bother sending that second text at all? He didn't need to, he could have just left it at the first. To me, it sounded like a 'feeler' text.

 

Given how interested you are (or say you are), your response to that text wasn't the best either, it reflected some resentment and a bit of "attitude." JMO.

 

No one is at fault, something's just not clicking. There is no easy flow, something is off, getting lost in translation, mixed signals, whatever.

 

I don't mean to sound negative but I'd be calling this one a loss.

 

Bottom line is, you're 'scared', he doesn't meet your expectations/needs, and how you respond to him reflects that, which I'm sure he senses. Again, JMO. I could be wrong.

 

I think it's good you are putting it out of your mind, and dating other men.

 

If he gets in touch and makes a date, see how you feel then.

[milly007]

millie, it's like I said, his second text sounded 'tentative' (done without confidence, hesitant).

 

It's hard to say why, could be he's not all that interested, lukewarm as you said.

 

But if that were the case, why bother sending that second text at all? He didn't need to, he could have just left it at the first. To me, it sounded like a 'feeler' text.

 

Given how interested you are (or say you are), your response to that text wasn't the best either, it reflected some resentment and a bit of "attitude." JMO.

 

No one is at fault, something's just not clicking. There is no easy flow, something is off, getting lost in translation, mixed signals, whatever.

 

I don't mean to sound negative but I'd be calling this one a loss.

 

Bottom line is, you're 'scared', he doesn't meet your expectations/needs, and how you respond to him reflects that, which I'm sure he senses. Again, JMO. I could be wrong.

 

I think it's good you are putting it out of your mind, and dating other men.

 

If he gets in touch and makes a date, see how you feel then.

 

I see what you mean. I just didn't want to leave things open-ended by basically saying - yeah, let's get together whenever the dust settles. After reaching out following two weeks of no contact, I couldn't just leave it.

 

I'm chalking this up to a loss, too. It kind of just feels like we're kicking a dead horse at this point, and I'm not sure if it can be saved.

 

Kudos to you guys who can do this with the utmost grace. I'm still working on my approach. Lol

 

I feel myself going into protective mode, which is the attitude I'm sure you're sensing in my text.

[MissCanuck]

Reading his reply, I'm still going with my initial impression that he's not overly interested at this point.

 

If he actually sets up a date and follows through, then perhaps re-assess. But as it stands, I would focus on meeting more interesting and enthusiastic guys.

[Batya33]

I would go with assuming that he's not that interested. If he was and for some strange reason thought the ball was in his court he would have jumped at the chance to make a plan - and I mean made 100% sure that his response made it clear he wanted to see you ASAP -and if that meant two weeks from now because he was buried in catch up work he'd still make the plan - day and time -because he wouldn't want to risk you thinking he wasn't interested and then going off and meeting other men. He might be lukewarm and happy to make a plan at his convenience and do a fun activity but you want marriage and potentially family. This is not how someone who sees potential acts. Sorry -I would move on. If he asks you out on a proper date you can consider it then (and if he did -no I wouldn't say no - if it was clear he wanted a date with you and not just to hang out sometime - but it would have to be very clear and positive)

 

Here's a counterexample - my husband and I had two platonic "outings" before we got back together after being apart for several years. After outing number 2 I was definitely interested, there was some flirting, I thought there was a spark. I think I emailed him a day or so later to say I baked some cookies and he emailed back to save some for him. Then, almost radio silence -certainly no calls. For over a week. (first two outings -first was on a Monday night and he called me Wednesday or Thursday with an invitation for dinner and theater tickets for that Saturday night -and I was so clueless I thought he either meant that it was a group outing with others or that his original theater plans fell through lol - we went out that Saturday -so no contact for over a week was odd).

 

Anyway, so he didn't contact me and I was dying. I think I contacted him by email two more times (no texting back then - I had no cell and he had one but no texting anyway). The third time I used the excuse that I was numb from the dentist and couldn't talk (true but obviously I could have called a different time) - and wanted to wish him luck on his upcoming trip/conference. So lame, the excuse.

 

He replied thanks and told me that he was sorry he hadn't been in touch -had a lot going on - and he would call me later -which he did and asked me out for the next Saturday he was in town again which is when he asked me to get back together (and until then I still wasn't sure if he meant it as platonic). Turned out he had some unfinished business with an ex, he was buried in work, going out of town and not sure when he should ask to get back together -his friends had suggested he wait longer but he knew we'd be long distance at that point. I'm glad he didn't -having that serious talk from a distance would not have been my preference for sure and I was busy meeting other people too.

 

Sure, he could have shared with me right away that he wouldn't be in touch for awhile and his emotions etc but at that point we were "platonic" and he probably wanted to discuss in person and when he felt ready. It's so rare though that a guy will let things slide for that long (and yes he knew/assumed I was meeting/dating people).

 

After that he never went a day without contacting me in some way from all I can remember and that was 12 years ago.

[katrina1980]

I agree with Ms. Canuck and Batya that he isn't all that interested, but from HIS perspective, neither is millie judging from her actions (towards him).

 

We only know she is from what she has posted here, HE doesn't know any of this.

 

Okay she sent him a 'feeler' text asking him how was his trip, which was nice. But she didn't suggest getting together either, or even show much enthusiasm.

 

Nor did she text him at all while he was gone.

 

I am NOT suggesting she should have, but HE may have 'expected' her to, or just hoped she would, based on his prior interactions with other women or what he's read or learned, or whatever.

 

He may have not gotten the memo that he was "supposed" to chase her.

 

My point is that things are not always so black and white.

 

They both have expectations, and their feelings (or lack thereof) bounce off each other.

 

Many women expect men to chase and when they don't, they assume he isn't interested or "playing" her, and start resenting him and get attitude (BTDT and learned it's not fair and wrong).

 

He no doubt senses it and becomes turned off. HE also has his own set of expectations, the least of which is for her to show some enthusiasm. And when she doesn't, HE makes his own assumption (that she is not interested).

 

As I said, it's no one "fault" they're just not clicking, signals got crossed.

 

And as a result, the attraction and connection on those first two dates, got lost and maybe even died. Or never had a chance to fully develop.

 

That's dating, it's not easy.

[milly007]

I agree with Ms. Canuck and Batya that he isn't all that interested, but from HIS perspective, neither is millie judging from her actions (towards him).

 

We only know she is from what she has posted here, HE doesn't know any of this.

 

Okay she sent him a 'feeler' text asking him how was his trip, which was nice. But she didn't suggest getting together either, or even show much enthusiasm.

 

Nor did she text him at all while he was gone.

 

I am NOT suggesting she should have, but HE may have 'expected' her to, or just hoped she would, based on his prior interactions with other women or what he's read or learned, or whatever.

 

He may have not gotten the memo that he was "supposed" to chase her.

 

My point is that things are not always so black and white.

 

They both have expectations, and their feelings (or lack thereof) bounce off each other.

 

Many women expect men to chase and when they don't, they assume he isn't interested or "playing" her, and start resenting him and get attitude (BTDT and learned it's not fair and wrong).

 

He no doubt senses it and becomes turned off. HE also has his own set of expectations, the least of which is for her to show some enthusiasm. And when she doesn't, HE makes his own assumption (that she is not interested).

 

As I said, it's no one "fault" they're just not clicking, signals got crossed.

 

And as a result, the attraction and connection on those first two dates, got lost and maybe even died. Or never had a chance to fully develop.

 

That's dating, it's not easy.

 

I honestly couldn't have said this better myself. It's like you understand us more than we understand ourselves.

 

I think our lack of enthusiasm, or what appears to be a lack of enthusiasm, took its toll. We all want to meet someone who is as enthusiastic about us, as we are about them.

 

Wishing I didn't send that last portion of my text now (re - the good luck). I kind of feel like an a$$ now.

 

Also wishing I wasn't so defensive, because it gets in the way of dating and people I truly like.

 

Still learning, folks. Man I'm stubborn sometimes.

[katrina1980]

To add to my last post, millie, I wonder how it would have played out had you NOT taken his suggestion to get together again when dust settles as lackluster -- a negative.

 

What if you had seen it as more of a positive, he is interested in getting together again!

 

Would that have changed 'your' rather lackluster response back?

 

If you had seen it as more of a positive and responded "Sure, I would love that!" or "Sure, that sounds great!" something simple reflecting enthusiasm, it may have changed your entire dynamic.

 

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or anything, only to say that it takes two people to develop the dynamic they share, not just him and not just you.

 

Both of you and how you interact with "each other."

[katrina1980]

I honestly couldn't have said this better myself. It's like you understand us more than we understand ourselves.

 

I think our lack of enthusiasm, or what appears to be a lack of enthusiasm, took its toll. We all want to meet someone who is as enthusiastic about us, as we are about them.

 

Wishing I didn't send that last portion of my text now (re - the good luck). I kind of feel like an a$$ now.

 

Also wishing I wasn't so defensive, because it gets in the way of dating and people I truly like.

 

Still learning, folks. Man I'm stubborn sometimes.

 

Oh sorry, I sent my last post before I read this!^^

 

Again don't beat yourself up too bad, we all make mistakes, I sure do!!!

 

Best of luck moving forward millie!

[milly007]

To add to my last post, millie, I wonder how it would have played out had you NOT taken his suggestion to get together again when dust settles as lackluster -- a negative.

 

What if you had seen it as more of a positive, he is interested in getting together again!

 

Would that have changed 'your' rather lackluster response back?

 

If you had seen it as more of a positive and responded "Sure, I would love that!" or "Sure, that sounds great!" something simple reflecting enthusiasm, it may have changed your entire dynamic.

 

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or anything, only to say that it takes two people to develop the dynamic they share, not just him and not just you.

 

Both of you and how you interact with "each other."

 

It definitely would have changed my response/reaction. I took it as a more of a "I'll get around to contacting you when it's convenient for me".

 

Live and learn.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's chasing at all to text someone while you're on vacation or to ask someone out -I've done both and I wasn't chasing in the least. And Eharmony tends to attract more traditional types so I doubt he was unaware that in the beginning most men do more of the asking out -and he was the one who left town. They'd only met twice.

 

I completely agree with your response to his suggestion - after two weeks if he is lackluster he doesn't care much if some other guy snaps you up -and if you don't have that level of enthusiasm then why bother. It can only go downhill. Don't settle for that kind of ho hum response if you're looking for marriage (if you weren't I'd have a different reaction).

[katrina1980]

Batya you may be correct but I didn't interpret his response as "lackluster," or disinterst, I interpreted it more as his attempt to reconnect with her, after 2 weeks of no communication.

 

As I said earlier, if he were disinterested, he wouldn't have bothered to send that second text at all, he would have just let it go.

 

Of course he could have contacted her while on vacation, but they had only had two dates, and perhaps he wasn't even sure himself what he wanted to happen.

 

So when he received her text asking how his his vacay was, it sparked something again, so sent a feeler txt to see what her response would be.

 

He could be insecure, anxious too, it's possible. Many men are.

 

Just a different perspective tis all, considering HIS feelings, not just millie's.

 

It's really all just speculation no matter how we look at it.

 

ETA: And what difference does it make whether millie is looking for marriage or not?

 

It's still just "dating," the early stages of which can be very precarious, whether it leads to marriage or not.

[milly007]

Yeah, it's just pure speculation at this point.

 

He could have been interested yet scared, interested than lost interest, or maybe just now looking for someone fun to hangout with once the dust settles at work. Who knows.

[milly007]

Please check out this thread guys - kinda put things into perspective for me:

 

 

[Batya33]

Milly -if he's too "scared" to ask you out on a date after you have shown the interest you have then that is not a guy who's a potential husband IMO. Definitely a potential date/hang out buddy but not spouse. And if he is that insecure/anxious that he's willing to risk you getting snapped up by some other guy, same answer.

 

To me a marriage/long term goal makes a huge difference in who you invest time/effort in in dating. Especially if you want marriage sooner rather than later (not sure if the OP does) then time is a precious commodity. It's totally fine not to want anything long term but then the person can be less selective in terms of trying to weed out those who don't have a general goal of marriage or long term. And most people talk about general goals early on if they want marriage or long term. In one way or another. This guy indicated on his profile that he did.

[milly007]

Milly -if he's too "scared" to ask you out on a date after you have shown the interest you have then that is not a guy who's a potential husband IMO. Definitely a potential date/hang out buddy but not spouse. And if he is that insecure/anxious that he's willing to risk you getting snapped up by some other guy, same answer.

 

To me a marriage/long term goal makes a huge difference in who you invest time/effort in in dating. Especially if you want marriage sooner rather than later (not sure if the OP does) then time is a precious commodity. It's totally fine not to want anything long term but then the person can be less selective in terms of trying to weed out those who don't have a general goal of marriage or long term. And most people talk about general goals early on if they want marriage or long term. In one way or another. This guy indicated on his profile that he did.

 

This is my general impression. Initially there was serious interest. Not quite sure what happened after the second meet.

 

Although his response indicated some interest last night, I interpreted it as more of a "hey, she'd be fun to hangout with once my workload dies down".

 

Overall, I'm chalking this up to lack of interest. If he contacts me, I'll assess what I'll do then, but I don't really think I can view him as a potential longterm partner anymore. And if that's what he's looking for, I'm sure he feels the same about me.

 

No one wants a potential partner to be snatched up, so I get what Batya is saying.

 

Our lack of enthusiasm here has definitely affected interest levels on both sides. It's too bad, but it is, what it is.

 

I'd hate to think that we lost out on something good out of fear or too much pride, but sometimes I think we were almost similar in our approaches, or lack thereof. Both scared to take the next step or seem overly eager.

 

Who knows.

[Pleasedonot5]

I don't understand why he needs to make every effort. Reach out to him if you're interested. From what you have written on here, it seems you aren't always responding to him right away (which is alright, but may be sending him mixed signals).

 

Life is a lot easier if you pursue what you want.

 

EDIT: I apologize -- I read up to page 4 but didn't know there was more. Sorry if I've missed some major details.

[milly007]

I don't understand why he needs to make every effort. Reach out to him if you're interested. From what you have written on here, it seems you aren't always responding to him right away (which is alright, but may be sending him mixed signals).

 

Life is a lot easier if you pursue what you want.

 

EDIT: I apologize -- I read up to page 4 but didn't know there was more. Sorry if I've missed some major details.

 

Hi Pleasedonot, it wasn't about me not responding, or not responding in a timely manner, but more so about me (maybe) not initiating enough and showing more enthusiasm. Hence why (some of us think) it went off the rails. Well, that plus a potential lack of interest on his part, which is a biggie.