Should I pursue this guy further, or not?

[katrina1980]

milly, just out of curiosity, did your friends and family give a reason why they didn't feel he "deserved" a message from you?

 

I don't see that he's done anything wrong, to be so "undeserving" of a message. He took you out a couple of times, you both had a great time, then he went on vacation.

 

It's scary the advice that's being dished out sometimes; seems many people have all these unrealistic expectations of men (like a man should literally be chasing you after two dates) and when he doesn't live up to that expectation, suddenly he's the 'bad guy' who doesn't "deserve" any attention from a woman, even a simple reach out saying "hi welcome back."

 

Now that I got "that" off my chest lol, you say if he is no longer interested, you need to hear it from him.

 

Sadly, it doesn't always work out that way.

 

Not sure how often you read other threads, but "ghosting" has become a very popular way of ending things these days. People simply not responding back to texts or emails, essentially disappearing when they've lost interest.

 

NOT at all suggesting this will happen, try to always think positive, BUT before you reach out, please be prepared for that to happen too.

 

I applaud your decision reach out, as I said I would and have (and been knocked down too), but more times than not it turned out to be a good thing.

 

It's really all a risk millie, no guarantees, but that's dating, it's not easy! Takes a rather thick skin to be successful at it.

 

But for me at least, after a bit of a break from it, it's worth the risk!

 

Again good luck and keep us posted!

[catfeeder]

You're building this up into a bigger deal than it needs to be, and you're drilling yourself into mind spins. I'd skip that and consider that you've only been on 2 dates, so he's focused on putting his life back in order after a vacation before moving himself back into dating mode. Lots of people have tunnel vision about vacation recovery, and it's not a monumental effort to give a tug on his sleeve to say hello and ask about his vacation.

 

Turn your mountain back into a molehill, and step right over it.

 

EnjOy.

[milly007]

milly, just out of curiosity, did your friends and family give a reason why they didn't feel he "deserved" a message from you?

 

I don't see that he's done anything wrong, to be so "undeserving" of a message. He took you out a couple of times, you both had a great time, then he went on vacation.

 

It's scary the advice that's being dished out sometimes; seems many people have all these unrealistic expectations of men (like a man should literally be chasing you after two dates) and when he doesn't live up to that expectation, suddenly he's the 'bad guy' who doesn't "deserve" any attention from a woman, even a simple reach out saying "hi welcome back."

 

Now that I got "that" off my chest lol, you say if he is no longer interested, you need to hear it from him.

 

Sadly, it doesn't always work out that way.

 

Not sure how often you read other threads, but "ghosting" has become a very popular way of ending things these days. People simply not responding back to texts or emails, essentially disappearing when they've lost interest.

 

NOT at all suggesting this will happen, try to always think positive, BUT before you reach out, please be prepared for that to happen too.

 

I applaud your decision reach out, as I said I would and have (and been knocked down too), but more times than not it turned out to be a good thing.

 

It's really all a risk millie, no guarantees, but that's dating, it's not easy! Takes a rather thick skin to be successful at it.

 

But for me at least, after a bit of a break from it, it's worth the risk!

 

Again good luck and keep us posted!

 

Some of my family/friends do have this mindset that the guy should be reaching out at this point. Yes, it's a bit old-fashioned, but this is the thought process.

 

I've also had situations where I've asked my older brother for advice, and although he's all for a woman reaching out to a man, he's also told me when to draw a line and not bother anymore. I do think my bro would encourage contact in this case. It would be different if I had already reached out and received no response, clearly.

 

I'm definitely preparing myself for the response, or lack thereof. I think I mentioned that if he's not interested that I'd like to hear it from him because I know (from what I know/perceive) that he's a softy type (a pretty compassionate/sensitive person and aware of others feelings). I'd be shocked if he didn't reply, but anythin's possible. This is why I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I'm scared. Lol

 

It's funny how with guys I'm not interested in, I won't think twice about messaging/calling. Yet when it comes to guys I am interested in, all common sense and my personality in general seem to go, somewhat, out the window.

 

Thanks for the pep-talk though. I'll keep you guys posted.

[milly007]

You're building this up into a bigger deal than it needs to be, and you're drilling yourself into mind spins. I'd skip that and consider that you've only been on 2 dates, so he's focused on putting his life back in order after a vacation before moving himself back into dating mode. Lots of people have tunnel vision about vacation recovery, and it's not a monumental effort to give a tug on his sleeve to say hello and ask about his vacation.

 

Turn your mountain back into a molehill, and step right over it.

 

EnjOy.

 

Thank you, catfeeder. I know. I just like this guy and am afraid of being hurt or let down again.

 

I came here also because after running it by friends once, I didn't want to bother them again.

 

Also, what prompted me to turn my mind to ENA was a conversation that I had with my mom yesterday, which really frustrated me.

 

She knows I'm doing what I can to meet someone, but doesn't truly understand how difficult it is out there to meet a nice man these days. I think she's worried about me being alone, especially as she and my dad are getting up there in years. I just couldn't believe that I had to explain to her what I go through in the dating world, and that I'm not just sitting back passively waiting for my knight and shining armour to arrive.

[Batya33]

Hah, yes, I hear you. Thanks, Katrina. I luv coming here to ENA because it's a great way to get feedback and I find writing out my thoughts to be therapeutic in a situation like this.

 

Definitely glad I came here for advice (especially since you're all basically encouraging me to contact him, which is what I want to hear).

 

I needed others opinions because good friends and family were telling me not to reach out and that he didn't deserve a text from me.

 

Although I appreciate their perspective, I know they're coming from a protective place, and I luv them for this.

 

I'm still getting used to reaching out to guys because, like I mentioned before, it just never worked out when I reached out to them.

 

But I know I may regret not reaching out. I'll let sleeping dogs lie for the next couple of days and maybe reach out on Monday.

 

Ugh, I'm kinda scared though (because I don't know what the reply will be and I cringe at the thought). It is, what it is.

 

If he is ready to move on, I need to hear it from him. I can't let this seemingly good guy slip through my fingers.

 

I have rarely seen it work out -meaning long term healthy relationship -where the woman did most of the asking out on dates in the beginning. I have not seen a difference where the woman shows interest in other ways. I would also be on the fence since the ball is kind of in his court but given the ease of texting I think reaching out in the way I suggested is fine.

 

A counter-example - there's a woman who reached out to me on Facebook and seemed to want to be friends, meet in person, etc- we have a lot in common. She even followed up with "so when are we going to do lunch?" I got busy and responded later than I think I should have -meaning 5 days later -not weeks. I suggested a specific day and time and asked if that would work. The response was "I would love to have lunch but I can't make it that day." I responded "no worries, hope we can meet soon". I wasn't going to suggest an alternative because in my opinion if she really was interested in meeting me she would have written "sorry I can't make it that day, how about ____" or at least "let me check my calendar and see when I am available". But there are other factors -if I felt more strongly about meeting her perhaps I'd put my reservations aside and contact again but no, it's not worth it to me to put myself out there again -it's her turn.

 

So - decide in this case - and that is what makes it harder - is he worth it and what's your sense. I probably was more rigid when I dated -and that made it easier -and honestly for me I never felt I missed any opportunity to date someone who was sufficiently into me because I decided the ball was in his court. Do I know that for sure? No. But I saw many examples of those same guys contacting me again after a long time had passed and again flaking when it came time to make an actual plan.

 

My mother and sister said equally annoying things when I was dating especially since I married at 42.

[milly007]

I have rarely seen it work out -meaning long term healthy relationship -where the woman did most of the asking out on dates in the beginning. I have not seen a difference where the woman shows interest in other ways.

 

This is what I was thinking, too. Reading this makes me question whether I should reach out. What can I say, I'm human.

 

But then again, although I initiated contact online, he set up and made reservations (and paid, despite me offering to contribute to the bill) with respect to our two dates/meets.

 

My mom just advised over the phone to "definitely not" contact him.

[Batya33]

This is what I was thinking, too. Reading this makes me question whether I should reach out. What can I say, I'm human.

 

But then again, although I initiated contact online, he set up and made reservations (and paid, despite me offering to contribute to the bill) with respect to our two dates/meets.

 

My mom just advised over the phone to "definitely not" contact him.

 

i don't think initiating contact online means anything -that's one stranger contacting another to see if a first meet should happen - nothing to do with romantic interest or asking a man out on a date -it's so far removed from that.

[milly007]

i don't think initiating contact online means anything -that's one stranger contacting another to see if a first meet should happen - nothing to do with romantic interest or asking a man out on a date -it's so far removed from that.

 

It may be so, but it's just different for me. Still getting used to it. I'm clearly glad I reached out to him though and met him.

[Batya33]

It may be so, but it's just different for me. Still getting used to it. I'm clearly glad I reached out to him though and met him.

 

So you have to decide if accepting "it's just different for me" is worth viewing contacting a complete stranger on a dating site part of you "initiating" in a dating context. And by the way if a man asks to meet you in person he's not asking you out on a date either -you're a stranger he wants to meet to see if there should be a date in the future. I let men ask me out on dates. I spoke to many men in person and on line during my 24 years on and off of dating in a major city - because obviously if you always waiting for someone to say hello to you or start a conversation with you you're only going to meet the people who might find you interesting/attractive -and you're going to miss the opportunity to meet those men who might find you very attractive but for some reason or no reason at all did not say hello first.

 

(I went over to my future husband first -it was his first day of work, he was the only one at the "meet the newbies" breakfast standing on his own and I knew of him and knew he didn't know anyone -so I was his welcome wagon. It's very possible, since we worked in different departments, on different floors in a major company, that we'd never have met- and on top of that he was extremely shy at that time, many years ago - did I "initiate" in any meaningful way? No -I just was being a friendly co-worker.)

[milly007]

So you have to decide if accepting "it's just different for me" is worth viewing contacting a complete stranger on a dating site part of you "initiating" in a dating context. And by the way if a man asks to meet you in person he's not asking you out on a date either -you're a stranger he wants to meet to see if there should be a date in the future. I let men ask me out on dates. I spoke to many men in person and on line during my 24 years on and off of dating in a major city - because obviously if you always waiting for someone to say hello to you or start a conversation with you you're only going to meet the people who might find you interesting/attractive -and you're going to miss the opportunity to meet those men who might find you very attractive but for some reason or no reason at all did not say hello first.

 

(I went over to my future husband first -it was his first day of work, he was the only one at the "meet the newbies" breakfast standing on his own and I knew of him and knew he didn't know anyone -so I was his welcome wagon. It's very possible, since we worked in different departments, on different floors in a major company, that we'd never have met- and on top of that he was extremely shy at that time, many years ago - did I "initiate" in any meaningful way? No -I just was being a friendly co-worker.)

 

Although you don't see the harm in me reaching out via text, can I ask why you think the ball is kind of in his court?

[Batya33]

Although you don't see the harm in me reaching out via text, can I ask why you think the ball is kind of in his court?

 

Because I thought he said he'd be in touch after his vacation.

[milly007]

Because I thought he said he'd be in touch after his vacation.

 

Oh okay. He just said "speak soon" as we were walking away.

[Batya33]

Oh okay. He just said "speak soon" as we were walking away.

 

Here's my take - if a man doesn't make a specific time/place plan for another date while on the date, assume for sanity purposes that was the last date. Then if he reaches out you can be pleasantly surprised. He left it open and that means you have an opening to contact him.

 

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

[milly007]

 

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

 

I really don't feel comfortable providing those details about myself on here. Sorry.

[Batya33]

I really don't feel comfortable providing those details about myself on here. Sorry.

 

No worries! Age is sometimes related to dating situations but no worries!

[milly007]

No worries! Age is sometimes related to dating situations but no worries!

 

I tried to PM you, but you don't receive private messages.

[Batya33]

I tried to PM you, but you don't receive private messages.

 

I'll pm you -check your inbox soon

[abitbroken]

He may still be settling in from vacation but i agree with the others, I would still drop a line and say something along the lines of ' hope the vacation was good etc'.

I'm reluctant to reach out. My friends and mom say they wouldn't. i don't think you need to be reluctant to reach out based on what you have mentioned.

 

To me, you have to stop involving everyone in town. You need to make a decision on what feels right to you and do it. Asking mom, friend A, friend B, second cousin and sister just confuses you. Afterall, you want a relationship where only two people are in it, right? Its not like you are asking if you should pop the question to him or anything like that.

 

So ask how his trip went and if he doesn't respond, or does not counter with an offer to see you within a week, don't initiate contact again. Guys are just trying to figure stuff out, too. If you hadn't texted him at ALL since he got back or even one text since the last time you saw him, he , too, could think YOU are not interested. Its really hard to say.

[milly007]

To me, you have to stop involving everyone in town. You need to make a decision on what feels right to you and do it. Asking mom, friend A, friend B, second cousin and sister just confuses you. Afterall, you want a relationship where only two people are in it, right? Its not like you are asking if you should pop the question to him or anything like that.

 

So ask how his trip went and if he doesn't respond, or does not counter with an offer to see you within a week, don't initiate contact again. Guys are just trying to figure stuff out, too. If you hadn't texted him at ALL since he got back or even one text since the last time you saw him, he , too, could think YOU are not interested. Its really hard to say.

 

Thanks, abitbroken. I get it. I asked a couple of friends and my mom what to do because I had no idea what I wanted to do. Then I came here to ENA and received encouragement to contact him, which made me happy. I just took his "speak soon" as a "I'll contact you soon"; otherwise, why say it.

 

I get what you're saying though. He may be feeling insecure too.

 

I'm going to sleep on this tonight and figure out what I'll do this week.

[katrina1980]

milly I am sure your mom is lovely, but seriously stop asking her for advice, she's from a different time.

 

Men are different now. They're not all into this concept of "man chases woman." While the woman sits back, does nothing and patiently waits.

 

They expect women to do their fair share too and many do.

 

So please do yourself a favor and stop involving your mom.

 

My mom was the same as yours and it really screwed my head up.

 

Real bad.

 

If you want a healthy relationship, you need to participate too.

 

And why sleep on it? You're overthinking.

[milly007]

And why sleep on it? You're overthinking.

 

Well, for two reasons:

 

1. I'm scared lol; and

 

2. Last weekend my phone died, so I had to get a new one and I lost all contacts and any/all incoming messages (however it was only one day - Sunday). I believe his number is on eH, in my inbox, but I haven't gone there yet to retrieve it. Retrieving it means I show up as looking at his profile, so if I'm going into retrieve it, I want to make sure I follow through with the text.

 

Am I over-thinking? Why yes, yes I am. Lol

 

Thanks though, Katrina lol

[katrina1980]

Are you scared he won't respond back or scared he will reject you?

 

If so I get it, it's hard when we're really into a guy, rejection stings more.

 

But you actually have no reason at this point to believe he would reject you.

 

It's not like he has a history of not responding back, right?

 

You have never initiated a text before, have you?

 

But anyway, if you need to sleep on it that's cool.

 

BTW, when did he return from vacation?

 

I am sure you mentioned it but too lazy to go back and read. lol

[milly007]

Are you scared he won't respond back or scared he will reject you?

 

If so I get it, it's hard when we're really into a guy, rejection stings more.

 

But you actually have no reason at this point to believe he would reject you.

 

It's not like he has a history of not responding back, right?

 

You have never even take the initiate before.

 

But anyway, if you need to sleep on it that's cool.

 

BTW, when did he return from vacation?

 

I am sure you mentioned it but too lazy to go back and read. lol

 

I'm scared of either scenario happening.

 

To be honest, I'm not sure when he returned from vacay. I only know he was on vacation from Saturday, August 26th until last Tuesday, which is when he returned to work.

 

My understanding is that he was at least with family for the entire week, as he was travelling out of town to see them on the 26th, but I could be wrong. He may have returned sooner.

[katrina1980]

Hmmm, for some reason I thought he had only been back a couple of days.

 

I still don't think it would hurt to send a "how was your trip" text. Something light and casual.

 

He will either appreciate it and step things up, or he won't.

 

And stepping out of our comfort zone builds strength and character so it's sort of a win either way.

 

Anyway, I'm rooting for ya, so if you decide to do it, fingers crossed it works out the way you hope!

[milly007]

Hmmm, for some reason I thought he had only been back a couple of days.

 

I still don't think it would hurt to send a "how was your trip" text. Something light and casual.

 

He will either appreciate it and step things up, or he won't.

 

And stepping out of our comfort zone builds strength and character so it's sort of a win either way.

 

Anyway, I'm rooting for ya, so if you decide to do it, fingers crossed it works out the way you hope!

 

No, he's been back almost a week now, or maybe even longer.

 

Definitely not just a couple days; hence another reason for my reluctance.

 

Your "hmmm" reminded me of my friends reaction, who was honestly shocked when she heard he had not contacted me when I spoke with her on Wednesday, and why she told me I would be better off to forget him. It's been over two weeks now since we last saw each other or exchanged messages.

 

I'll figure this out, and although there is a part of me that wants to reach out, after over two weeks passing, I can't help but think 'what's the point?'.

 

And thank you.