Ex responded furiously to my goodbye email

[Mcasa1026]

Hello all,

 

Long story short, my ex and I broke up two months ago. I was the one who initiated it and he agreed.

I immediately regretted breaking up with him, I asked him to reconcile many times, tried showing him love and I was making changes and stuff, but he never responded to any of those messages.

 

Finally I asked him if he would like to meet up when I am back in town (I have been out of town since we broke up and I still have some processions left in his apartment)

 

He replied and told me meeting up was not a good idea, so I understood and proceeded to send him a goodbye email , after two months of begging and pleading, telling how much I love him, how painful it is to let go but didn't want to see us suffer, and wishing him all the best and success in the future.

 

The email was sort of like a closure I gave myself, thus I didn't expect him to get back to me at all. But he replied and said I was creating drama again, also accused me of playing games and saying untruthful things and blamed me for the failure of our relationship. He said he will always be my friend so the talk of letting go and the email were unnecessary and dramatic.

 

I have already gave up the idea of reconciliation, but just don't understand why he was so upset especially I was just trying to be nice. I still would like to get my stuff back, just don't know how to do it if he's so irritated.

 

Any thoughts?

[pippy longstocking]

Maybe from his point of view ..you ended it , then proceeded to chase him to try and get him back , then in the next breath you send a goodbye letter ....it is all drama I am sorry to say . I can see what you are saying , please don't think I am on his side ( we are all neutral on here ) but you have displayed a whole range of emotions in a short period of time and he has had enough .

 

From your point of view , I get it .... you thought you had made a mistake so tried to get him back , once he made it clear he wont , you wanted closure for yourself .

 

Quite often the closure doesn't quite turn out like we had hoped and so many people including myself have craved it at some point .

 

So you wrote your letter , you have said all you had to say and that should be closure enough now .

 

As for your stuff ..is it really stuff you need back ? Are you in a group of friends where one could step in and get the stuff ?

[Mcasa1026]

Maybe from his point of view ..you ended it , then proceeded to chase him to try and get him back , then in the next breath you send a goodbye letter ....it is all drama I am sorry to say . I can see what you are saying , please don't think I am on his side ( we are all neutral on here ) but you have displayed a whole range of emotions in a short period of time and he has had enough .

 

From your point of view , I get it .... you thought you had made a mistake so tried to get him back , once he made it clear he wont , you wanted closure for yourself .

 

Quite often the closure doesn't quite turn out like we had hoped and so many people including myself have craved it at some point .

 

So you wrote your letter , you have said all you had to say and that should be closure enough now .

 

As for your stuff ..is it really stuff you need back ? Are you in a group of friends where one could step in and get the stuff ?

 

Yeah I understand how my actions can be perceived as game playing.

I just don't get it as he could have told me to stop contacting him when I tried so hard to reach out for reconciliation the past two months. I would have stopped there.

As for my stuff at his house, unfortunately I do need to get them back. We used to live together so I have tons of my clothes and personal belongings there. I would like to pack my stuff myself or together with him since some of the items are hard to define who actually owes them.

This is the most difficult breakup I have ever experienced in my life. I hope so much it's just a bad dream

[yatsue]

Why did you initially break up with him? Then, what is the reason why you want him back?

[RainyCoast]

he's right that you're creating drama.

 

what do you mean you don't understand how he would want to stop contact after you dumped him?! you don't break up with the purpose for either to stay available, you break up to go separate ways.

 

you dumped the guy two months ago, that's quite a while ago, and you proceeded to assail him with your post-break affect which is not his to contain and process but yours, and now you went and sent him a letter to justify yourself. when you dump someone they're not obliged to listen to anything, especially not anything that's supposed to make you feel better.

 

own your choices and the feelings attached to them and process the consequences of what you chose yourself, or get help if you can't, but leave him alone.

 

i'm really sorry if you're in pain over the breakup, but it's completely out of line to dump it on him, and then also have the nerve to expect a sympathetic reaction. he's annoyed big time and rightfully so. just stop.

 

send someone over for your stuff or say goodbye to it, you really had no business leaving it there for two months as a foot in the door to see him again. if you don't get it back- it's on you.

 

as for your pain, again, dump and process it on here, or with a counselor if it's really bad, work it off at the gym or something. it's not his to carry and it's really selfish and inappropriate to expect anything of him any more.

[Mcasa1026]

Why did you initially break up with him? Then, what is the reason why you want him back?

 

I initiated it because we were having a fight and he refused to talk to me. So I asked him if it's over. He then said yes. And so we broke up since then.

[Jordan111]

Hey,

 

I don't think you are selfish and a terrible person.

 

You broke up with him but then thought you made a mistake and decided to work things out. He was obviously hurt and stubborn and couldn't forgive and take you back so quickly. I am saying he is stubborn because if he was truly over you he wouldn't be upset with a goodbye message nor would he still want to be friends. That's just my opinion. Just have a break from this and see how both of you feel.

 

Good luck!

[Mcasa1026]

he's right that you're creating drama.

 

what do you mean you don't understand how he would want to stop contact after you dumped him?! you don't break up with the purpose for either to stay available, you break up to go separate ways.

 

you dumped the guy two months ago, that's quite a while ago, and you proceeded to assail him with your post-break affect which is not his to contain and process but yours, and now you went and sent him a letter to justify yourself. when you dump someone they're not obliged to listen to anything, especially not anything that's supposed to make you feel better.

 

own your choices and the feelings attached to them and process the consequences of what you chose yourself, or get help if you can't, but leave him alone.

 

i'm really sorry if you're in pain over the breakup, but it's completely out of line to dump it on him, and then also have the nerve to expect a sympathetic reaction. he's annoyed big time and rightfully so. just stop.

 

send someone over for your stuff or say goodbye to it, you really had no business leaving it there for two months as a foot in the door to see him again. if you don't get it back- it's on you.

 

as for your pain, again, dump and process it on here, or with a counselor if it's really bad, work it off at the gym or something. it's not his to carry and it's really selfish and inappropriate to expect anything of him any more.

 

Thank you for the input.

Asking to meet up was my last attempt to reconcile, and I have also decided to let him go.

It's just hard to believe it's over because I thought we were madly in love with each other. I guess I really hurt him.

[MissCanuck]

What was that last fight about, that led to the break-up?

[Mcasa1026]

Hey,

 

I don't think you are selfish and a terrible person.

 

You broke up with him but then thought you made a mistake and decided to work things out. He was obviously hurt and stubborn and couldn't forgive and take you back so quickly. I am saying he is stubborn because if he was truly over you he wouldn't be upset with a goodbye message nor would he still want to be friends. That's just my opinion. Just have a break from this and see how both of you feel.

 

Good luck!

 

Yeah I think regardless of how things will develop, a break is inevitable.

He also sent me some emails telling me he missed me very much post breakup, which sort of gave me the hope to get back together.

I understand I was creating drama. I will leave him alone and really hope we both find peace within.

[Mcasa1026]

What was that last fight about, that led to the break-up?

 

We just started long distance (that's why I have been out of town) and were fighting because I couldn't get hold of him so I called him numerous times and left some emotional texts. When he finally got back to me he was upset because he said he was working all the time.

We broke up during the argument.

[RainyCoast]

how long were you unable to reach him for?

 

what goes through your mind when he's unavailable to make you so emotional, and what do you think you could do about that?

[Seraphim]

I swear texting emailing and technology are the death of more relationships . I remember my husband's first time away from me was back in the days of snail mail . You had to wait for a letter to reach you . Telephone calls were out of the question because they were unbelievably expensive . You had to be patient and that was that . Patience is also needed for relationships . Phones were never meant to be an electronic leash .

[abitbroken]

The goodbye email was waaaayy over the top. I don't understand the number of people on here that think its a good idea -- after you are broken up to turn the knife like that. if you are broken up - and both had mutually had that understanding, the "i am really walking out the door now...here i go...you won't see me..for real...ok...I am not seeing you again..." is just lots and lots of drama.

 

If you need closure by writing something -- write it -- then burn it. Writing is good, sending is not

[Mcasa1026]

how long were you unable to reach him for?

 

what goes through your mind when he's unavailable to make you so emotional, and what do you think you could do about that?

 

Almost entire day.

It just made me feel he didn't care about me enough, otherwise he should have known that I was expecting him to get back to me.

I know I was probably overreacting, but he refusing to communicate with me also contributed our breakup.

[Mcasa1026]

I swear texting emailing and technology are the death of more relationships . I remember my husband's first time away from me was back in the days of snail mail . You had to wait for a letter to reach you . Telephone calls were out of the question because they were unbelievably expensive . You had to be patient and that was that . Patience is also needed for relationships . Phones were never meant to be an electronic leash .

 

I'd probably be fine if there's only snail mail.

[Seraphim]

I'd probably be fine if there's only snail mail.

 

Why is that?

[Mcasa1026]

The goodbye email was waaaayy over the top. I don't understand the number of people on here that think its a good idea -- after you are broken up to turn the knife like that. if you are broken up - and both had mutually had that understanding, the "i am really walking out the door now...here i go...you won't see me..for real...ok...I am not seeing you again..." is just lots and lots of drama.

 

If you need closure by writing something -- write it -- then burn it. Writing is good, sending is not

 

For me, it's important to be clear. I asked him many times to reconcile, he wouldn't respond, or would say things that he missed me, too, etc. It somehow gave me the hope that he would eventually come back and that hope only prolonged my pain.

I have to move on without looking back. That goodbye email was dramatic I agree, but I had no choice otherwise I couldn't let go completely.

[RainyCoast]

Almost entire day.

It just made me feel he didn't care about me enough, otherwise he should have known that I was expecting him to get back to me.

I know I was probably overreacting, but he refusing to communicate with me also contributed our breakup.

 

"almost entire day"....you can't be serious now can you?

 

i don't think your expectations are realistic. people be doing stuff. and i mean anyway, what's the problem with just letting people get to you of their volition, in their own time?

 

i get it could be a highly individual thing what one considers appropriate frequency of communication but "almost entire day" is barely enough to get work, a workout session, errands and basic household crap done. i'm sorry but, could you really not have found something to occupy yourself with for the day except working yourself up?

it's not even about how often you hear someone, it's generally not the best to place demands on ppl, their time and energy.

 

and why the tangential conclusion if he's not calling, he must not be thinking about you? if you care about people, they're not a passing or occasional thought anyway.

 

if you need proof you're not a passing thought that often, the kind of reassurance you need can't come from him.

 

i wonder what him refusing to communicate means, because it sounds like he simply wasn't glued to the phone. like some kind of psychopath

[Mcasa1026]

Why is that?

 

If the snail mail was the only form of communication, then I would be more than happy to stick to it.

I texted and phoned him and it took him hours to get back to me somehow made me feel that he didn't care enough about me, or at least we werent on the same page here. He knew I'd be waiting, but didn't even bother just to read my texts. (My texts were unread)

We were only three days into long distance, he didn't even want to communicate with me when I asked him how he would like to keep in touch before the discussion eventually developed into a fight.

[RainyCoast]

he didn't even want to communicate with me when I asked him how he would like to keep in touch

yeah, i mean that sounds like you insisted on a schedule of how often he has to report to you. i can't think of many people who would agree to that discussion. or want to call you after something like that. you gotta chill OP.

[Seraphim]

Maybe he was busy?

 

I don't think you would have liked snail mail where it could take 2 weeks to find out how someone was.

[thealchemist]

It sounds like he wanted closure and was trying to get over you. You just kept reopening his wound. With everything you said, I've got to say I agree with him. It sounds like whether you realize it or not you were playing mind games. I'm not saying he doesnt have any blame in this but it sounds like you are the antagonist.

[boltnrun]

He was working!

 

And before anyone says "It only takes a few seconds to type out a text!", there are many work places that don't allow access to personal cell phones for various reasons. My work place, for example, forbids personal cell phones inside the building for security reasons.

 

It's not like he was at the club or playing video games or was Facebooking and deliberately ignored you. If the texts were unread, it means he didn't get a chance to read them.

 

And you absolutely could have gotten past all this without sending a "goodbye email". You could have just realized it wasn't going to work out and left it at that. I think you sent that email because you were hoping he'd want to work things out. It was you giving him "one more chance" to take you back. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like that's in the cards.

 

But that's not to say this can't be a good learning experience.

[IAmFCA]

Emotionally charged communication received during work hours... it may take a few minutes to reply but it takes a half hour or more to process, formulate a response, and refocus. Or, a person uses only the few minutes and types out something they regret later.

 

This is true even between people who are on excellent terms. I asked a bestie a hard question today having to do with giving spouse full disclosure. No reply.... because my message was provocative. It takes time.