Not attracted to my gf of 10 months without makeup

[Pleasedonot5]

Naw, I answer all kinds of question on here with different levels of respect and kindness.

 

I'm a woman that lives in this culture that promotes and encourages shallowness when it comes to women's looks. It not only bugs me it makes my life worse in many ways. It's fine if a dude is shallow. But it's also fine if I point that out in less then cuddly loving terms. I think shallowness is a character flaw that can be worked on. Not that you can make yourself attracted to someone you aren't attracted to but that you can learn to be attracted to people in deeper ways.

 

I think those are fair points. It's regrettable that shallowness in looks are encouraged in today's society, especially for women. The only thing is I don't think the OP was trying to construct a patriarchal society that promulgates rules regarding women and makeup; he is simply human and was insecure about his feelings toward a particular situation. It's fine that you point things out in not-so-cuddly ways, but it's also fine that others may respond with not-so-cuddly disagreements. I respect your point-of-view, I just think this is one of those agree-to-disagree moments, haha.

 

So when the OP says: I hope this doesn't come off as me being shallow.

I think it's a fine to say: Actually it really does come off as you being shallow

 

Others said:

 

Yes you are very shallow

 

You do come off as shallow. But hey! You are shallow!

 

OP responded to ThatWasThen, who seems to share your view, but who responded to him inquisitively instead of offensively:

 

Thank you for the not so harsh reply

[Loralora]

No a relationship cannot survive in the long run without physical attraction. Relationships are a bit like a three legged stool - you need to have physical attraction, intellectual attraction, and emotional connection. If either one of the three is missing or weak, your stool will fall down and so will your relationship.

 

Sounds to me like you have a great friendship and that intellectual and even emotional connection, but the physical/sexual chemistry just isn't there. When you have genuine physical attraction, you will be hot for them even if they just got home from playing in the trash heap, filthy, dirty and stinking like a skunk with matted hair and gross breath with something stuck between their teeth. Ok.....maybe you won't be looking to jump them until after they shower, but my point is that genuine physical chemistry doesn't depend on make up or lack of.

 

I agree with this...

 

The problem with you is I think you're still young and aren't ready to settle down and this is your unconscious mind finding a reason not to...

 

The problem is with you and your relationship not with her looks...

 

I also think that you think you can get much better...if you truely loved her you wouldn't be thinking you can do better. I would understand your concern if this was an emotional or uncompability problem with your and her personality..

 

I am pretty sure lots of men will find her beautiful without any makeup..I know tons of beautiful girls with acne scars.

 

Or maybe it comes down to taste ..

 

I think if you love someone you love their flaws too...and they will seem beautiful even if everyone else says they aren't..

 

From my experience I always felt the opposite...I was never attraced to my boyfriend right off the bat. I found some attractive physical features in him (that's why I started dating him) but I didn't think he was perfectly handsome. No one can call him ugly he is a pretty attractive guy..but by spending time with him everyday he seems more handsome to me. I now love how he smiles all the different smiles he has, how he laughs how he looks at me when he is serious. I can say I started finding him much more attractive (almost 35%-40%more) as time passed by.

What attracted me right off the bat to him wasn't just the physical features though...I was also attracted to his personality right off the bat too..

 

There are days (when he shaves) when I am not that into him. I always tell him that he looks much better when he is unshaved. Or when he wears a yellow shirt that makes his stomach look big. I always tell him you look bad in that shirt.

So there are days when he doesn't look as attractive but NOT once did I think I shouldn't be with him because of those days. Even when he has those days I can still find something I love in him.

 

One major problem I had is that am I very tall (6 feet) and he is as tall as me not taller. This was an issue for me in the beginning because I had to settle with never being able to wear heals when I am with him...but I got over that...being with him is worth never wearing high heals again ( had to replace all of my footwear after I met him...I always loved wearing heals..

 

P.S. I still keep my favorite high heal black boots in storage... and some other favorite high heal wear I had...because if things go bad; well at least I won't lose those too

[Loralora]

One more thing....

 

I find that with age people are less shallow...that was my case at least.

 

I'm not going to lie, when I was 14,15,16, 17,18,19,20 even up to 22 years old the ONLY criteria of mine for dating a guy was his super super good looks.

 

A guy's personality would never be enough for me for an instant attraction if he wasn't "hot"..

 

After I turned 23 up until now 28...I find that physical attraction is not as important as it used to be for me....it is one of the factors but not the main one as it was when I was young.

 

Now if I see a hot guy, sure he getts my attention UNTIL he opens his mouth..

 

This fact might differ depending on the individual or from males and females.

[Americanguy97]

When she is wearing makeup she is out of my league, or I've heard guys say that. Thing is nobody but me and her family sees her without makeup and I think I'm a decent bit better looking. If her skin cleared up she'd be perfect. She has never tried prescription medication or anything or even been to a dermatologist. Would it be bad if I subtly suggested that?

[Americanguy97]

Thank you Loralora

[ThatwasThen]

When she is wearing makeup she is out of my league, or I've heard guys say that. Thing is nobody but me and her family sees her without makeup and I think I'm a decent bit better looking. If her skin cleared up she'd be perfect. She has never tried prescription medication or anything or even been to a dermatologist. Would it be bad if I subtly suggested that?

 

Listen: If her acne is that bad then there is no makeup on earth that would cover it so that she suddenly appears "out of your league" (which is nonsense to be telling you to begin with).

 

The only time it would be okay for you to suggest seeing a dermatologist or using prescription meds is if she complains to you about her skin by telling you that she wished her skin was nicer.

[Americanguy97]

Pleasedonot5:

 

Don't know how this works but thank you very much. I came here for advice genuine advice and I felt I was being attacked and called shallow. I don't consider dumping this amazing girl good advice either.

[Loralora]

When she is wearing makeup she is out of my league, or I've heard guys say that.

 

She has never tried prescription medication or anything or even been to a dermatologist. Would it be bad if I subtly suggested that?

 

Be careful...you say other guys find her attractive; just because they haven't seen her without makeup it doesn't mean that once they do see her without makeup that they will think the same as you; they might like her.

 

You should suggest she go to a dermatologist, there is nothing wrong with that, but not because you want her to be more beautiful but because she will have a much easier life if she does and she needs medical attention and it's better for any person to address a medical issue they might be having instead of ignoring it because that might lead to health complications.

[Americanguy97]

She is not American cause I go to college in another country where girls wear a lot of makeup. Truth is she is a wizard with makeup, like her friends ask her to do theirs all the time. And yes she has complained but I say it's fine cause I know she does the best she keep her face clean.

[ThatwasThen]

She is not American cause I go to college in another country where girls wear a lot of makeup. Truth is she is a wizard with makeup, like her friends ask her to do theirs all the time. And yes she has complained but I say it's fine cause I know she does the best she keep her face clean.

 

Then next time she complains, offer your suggestion and then let it go if she doesn't want to do it.

[Loralora]

You have to understand looks are temporary...if something stronger doesn't hold you together then this relationship is a weak one..

 

Your looks will fade with time too...should she leave you?

 

She might get much more beautiful with time because acne clears with age... the tables might turn so I suggest you spent more time on the important things instead of secondary things like these...

 

Good luck...

[itsallgrand]

The funny thing is the make up is probably making her skin worse.

 

I know you are young but imagine if it was flipped. Imagine if your gf thought you looked hot when you were slathered in make up, but she wasn't attracted to you with a clean face. Do you need to ask if this is sustainable as a true attraction?

[katrina1980]

 

Absolutely beautiful features but she has bad skin, mostly acne scars. She does take care of herself but she doesn't seem to care as much as I do. I probably care more tbh and that most likely stems from my own insecurities..

 

Curious to know, were you ever attracted to her? Like when you first started dating were you attracted?

 

I would presume you were (unless of course she never allowed you to see her without her makeup).

 

But how long can a girl date a man without allowing him to see her without makeup? A few weeks maybe?

 

Anyway, the answer to that question will determine my next response.

 

You also said your feelings about it stem from your own insecurities. How so, can you clarify?

 

Perhaps if you worked on resolving your insecurities, you would eventually come to a place wherein it didn't turn you off so much? Just a thought.

 

You also said she has acne scars. As a practical solution, there are lots of different procedures one can do to remove acne scars, just to know.

 

So that may be something worth her considering at some point.

 

It's really a delicate subject, similar to the many threads discussing a woman's weight.

 

So if you choose to bring it up, be sensitive.

 

Perhaps suggest she see a dermatologist? Yeah I'll probably get blasted for suggesting that.

 

Also, if she wears heavy makeup, which it sounds like she does, that cannot be helping her skin much either, in fact it's making it worse.

 

It may cover the scars but it's a fact that wearing heavy makeup day in and day out clogs pores, impairs collagen production, decreases elasticity and leaves skin looking dull and leads to premature lines and wrinkles, among other things.

 

Personally speaking, on face, I wear a tinted moisturizer (no foundation) and a little blush, but that's pretty much it.

 

And not to brag but I get complimented on my complexion all the time!! And I am in my mid-30s!

 

So a good practical solution would be to talk to her, sensitively suggest she see dermatologist.

 

If she had the scars removed, there would be no need to wear so much makeup and as such her skin would look and be more healthy and glowing, allowing her to look young and beautiful for a very long time!

[katrina1980]

 

The funny thing is the make up is probably making her skin worse.

 

Yeah I agree, I just posted that (before reading yours)!

[katrina1980]

 

Personally speaking, on face, I wear a tinted moisturizer (no foundation) and a little blush, but that's pretty much it.

 

 

Clarification: I meant to say on "skin" I wear tinted moisturizer....

 

My eyes are another story!

 

Not that this has anything to do with anything, but I love accentuating my eyes, and depending on where I'm going I can go super dark and dramatic or less so for daytime.

 

I even go without any sometimes (when I'm off to beach for example).

 

Brows I always darken.

 

Not even sure why I'm mentioning that except to say I am not against heavy makeup at all, and if I needed on my skin, I'd wear.

 

So I get it.

 

Anything that makes a woman feel better about herself, I am all for!

 

OP, I hope this issue gets resolved, cause I can tell you're struggling with it, and really do care for her.

 

G'luck!

[electricorchid]

No you dont sound shallow, I mean we all want to be attracted to the person we are dating.. and crazy about them so No, im not going to judge you for this. BUT it is a bit silly to be really frank with you because you seem to like this girls personality and who she is as a person a lot. My suggestion to you is the next time you see her withought makeup think about all the things you love about her and your relationship together. Makeup is an illusion, its purposefully created to enhance (sometimes change) the features of a persons face. If it continues to bother you down the line... like in the nxt 2 months and this annoys you more then this just means you dont really like her like you thought you did.

[Honeycomb8]

You can want what you want. It's your preferences and people shouldn't judge.

 

If this is a big enough issue, just break up with her. Obviously her bad skin does bother you a lot.

I'd want my bf to be attracted to me regardless of whether I wear makeup or not.

[Giblesp]

Dont think its fair to say OP is shallow. If a man was wearing a mask and looked attractive, then he took off that mask and he looked unattractive for whatever reason, does that make the woman shallow? Obviously not.

 

The way some women wear make up is a mask; plus hair dye, sometimes contact lenses and then on top of that they use programs to digitally manipulate their faces on social media. Its too much. You cant actually see what they look like.

 

Light make up now and again is great but when foundation is applied to create facial features and an appearance that wasn't there in the first place, its a lie. The man is attracted to the face paint and not the face underneath, which he's never actually seen.

[Giblesp]

Also this is my first relationship I've had. She is 19, I just turned 20. I don't have things figured out yet. I know I love this girl regardless of what any of you internet experts think but I really want honest advice that does not include me breaking up with her cause that's the last thing I want to do.

 

I tend to go for women who wear little or no make up, you can see their eyes and the natural flush that comes to their cheeks. Foundation and other layers covers that up along with a womans natural smell. You can 'feel,' her more in communication, something a make up mask also covers up. But thats my taste which has evolved over the years.

 

If you love her and she feels the same way, just see how it goes and enjoy it for what it is.

[Unreasonable]

Thing is nobody but me and her family sees her without makeup and I think I'm a decent bit better looking. If her skin cleared up she'd be perfect.

So if you were equally good looking, or had acne yourself, would you be able to get over this? It sounds like you have a hangup over "leagues".

[LaHermes]

AmericanGuy.

 

First of all you are both SO young!

 

Now, the perceived problem.

 

"Absolutely beautiful features but she has bad skin, mostly acne scars."

 

Cutting to the chase, and side-stepping all the philosophising about the merits or otherwise of wearing make up, of ANYONE wearing makeup (I do, but the less is more variety), problems such as acne scars can now be addressed quite successfully with certain types of treatment.

[Unreasonable]

problems such as acne scars can now be addressed quite successfully with certain types of treatment.

Really? Somebody tell Edward James Olmos! Just kidding, but that's cool, I'm curious about this now.

[LaHermes]

Hey, UnR. Who is he? This EJO. Lol.

 

Yes, the acne scars can be laser treated (treatments involve a type of peel). A girl I know got hers done and the results were great.

[Unreasonable]

He's a fairly bigtime actor. Only one I can think of with pretty visible scars. I'm sure he's too mature and secure in himself to do anything now.

 

I looked at some before and afters for treatment. That's very impressive.

[LaHermes]

Yes, there are a number of actors - male - who have acne scars. But these few men are in a different league I should think to the OP's GF.

 

Mind you, those treatments can be expensive.