Boyfriend wants a roommate

[sammy1592]

So I feel like this requires a bit of back story first. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now. We've had our ups and downs, and a lot of them have been based in his lack of desire to grow up. Recently a big issue has been that he is still not "ready" for marriage and I have felt like I was for quite some time now. I've come to terms with the fact that he's not ready right now, and I can wait a while because I want to be with him. We had planned on moving in together at the beginning of next year when his current lease ran out, but I recently told him that I really did not want to live together until we were married, hence prompting the marriage debate/debacle. Well we finally both agreed not to live together until we get married. He currently lives alone in a one bedroom apartment. Now today he texted me, completely out of the blue, and asked how I might feel about him getting a roommate. And frankly, my initial thought was "well I would hate it." For the first two years of our relationship he lived with his parents, and he finally moved out on his own and now he wants a roommate like he's back in college or something? I should add that he's almost 30 years old and makes quite a bit more money than I do, so it's not like he's hurting for funds. He is however in a decent amount of credit card debt thanks to his spending a ton of money on a bunch of stuff he didn't need when he first got his current job. I realize I'm rambling a bit, but I think I'm still just really thrown off by the fact that he even wants to do this. It feels like we're both at a point in our lives where we should be moving forward, becoming more independent, and this feels like he wants to move backwards? It's entirely possible that I'm overreacting because of the extenuating circumstances, but I just really hate everything about this idea.

[melancholy123]

If he lives in a one bedroom apt. will the roomie be sleeping on the couch?

 

If he is in that much debt, a roomie could help him save money to pay off his debts, which I see as a good thing. Are you perhaps jealous he wants someone else to live with him and share the bills rather than you?

[rosephase]

Paying off credit card debt is moving forward.

 

Do you want to marry him with that debt?

 

Look you threw down the gauntlet. You wanted to move forward but don't want to move in before marriage. Now you will have to sit and wait until he decides (if) that is what he actually wants.

 

If you would hate for him to have a roommate tell him, see what he says. But it really sounds like you are angry that you aren't getting married. Take some time to figure out which things make you feel which ways. Having a roommate isn't immature. Paying off debts is planning your future. What is your living situation?

[j.man]

I don't understand what's so bad about it. If he doesn't mind giving up some space and saving a few bucks, that's his choice. Considering he's got debt to pay down, it sounds like the responsible one to make.

 

Are you maybe disappointed because you thought reneging on moving in with each other prior to marriage would force his hand on the matter sooner, and that seems to not have worked out quite as planned?

 

And what's your current living situation?

[Remash]

I don't really see the problem either, to be honest. However, he want to talk about it with you, who don't you? That gives you the opportunity to tell him how you feel about it and him the opportunity to explain why he might want this. It sure beats talking to random strangers on the internet!

 

(Also, I personally would be really wary of marrying someone while not yet knowing how we would feel after living in the same house for a while. After all, that's basically what you are planning to do the rest of your life.)

[itsallgrand]

If you don't trust his ability / willingness to take care of himself and that he already is without doubt a self sufficient person, marrying him doesn't make sense. It won't magically make him more of what you wish him to be.

[Pleasedonot5]

I don't see the problem with his actions. It looks like he wanted to move in with you and offered. You said no, because you want to be married first. He doesn't want to be married yet.

 

This is a case of conflicting needs. Neither one of you is wrong or immature here in my opinion. It might be worth evaluating whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. To me, I don't see this being a deal breaker for many people.

 

Why do you think having a roommate is an exclusively college-like behavior? I've graduated college and it was either have a solo apartment at like 800 a month, or a three roommate apartment for 350 a month. That kind of money adds up. Sounds like a wise financial decision to me.

[JaggerJim]

If he lives in a one bedroom apt. will the roomie be sleeping on the couch?

 

If he is in that much debt, a roomie could help him save money to pay off his debts, which I see as a good thing. Are you perhaps jealous he wants someone else to live with him and share the bills rather than you?

 

I wondered that too. Will the roommate be sleeping on the couch?

[annie24]

Is he thinking about moving into a communal/shared house to save money? I'm guessing he doesn't want to share a room with a roommate at this age. Or maybe he does, who knows.

[sammy1592]

Well since we were originally planning on moving in together, I'm currently still at home. But now that that isn't happening I'm in the process of looking for an apartment just for myself in the meantime.

[sammy1592]

He's planning on getting a two bedroom with his roommate. Part of my problem too is that I'm not terribly fond of the person he wants to room with. My boyfriend has been trying to quit smoking entirely, and I know that this guy is an avid smoker and also smokes pot fairly often which I am so not a fan of. He said that he would tell him he couldn't do that in the apartment, but we'll see how well that works out.

[sammy1592]

Part of my problem is his choice of a roommate. My boyfriend used to be a smoker, and he's come a long way with it but still struggles occasionally with not doing it, and I know that this guy is an avid smoker so I'm worried about what kind of influence he'll be. I also know that he smokes pot regularly, or at least he used to and I don't want him getting mixed up in that.

[tattoobunnie]

Some men feel money is tied into whether you are ready for marriage. Since he is in debt, that may be a huge reason why he is not ready to be married. What did he say his reasons were. Some are convinced they need a house and money for the wedding.

 

How is his credit? Can he do a 0% fee or 0% APR balance transfer to save on some interest? Is he paying off monthly? How much debt? Would you reconsider if it's just money he needs to save about living together. This way, he can stay in a one bedroom, and save up and pay off his debt. Or do you need to be engaged with a date in mind before moving in together?

[Pleasedonot5]

I understand your concerns, but I don't think you get to choose his roommate. If you are concerned about it, tell him, but understand it's his decision and he shouldn't be punished for it.

 

Keep being a positive influence on him regarding the smoking. I think that's a good thing that you are doing.

[j.man]

Well since we were originally planning on moving in together, I'm currently still at home. But now that that isn't happening I'm in the process of looking for an apartment just for myself in the meantime.

Well I gotta say it takes some stones to judge your boyfriend for getting a rommate while you're still rooming with mom and dad.

[sammy1592]

Sorry, did you miss the part where I'm getting my own apartment? I literally already have appointments at several different places, it's just a matter of choosing one. The only reason I hadn't done that already was because he and I were originally planning on moving in together in a few months so I didn't see the point in getting an apartment on my own for like 5 months... most places don't even have leases that short. Not that I really need to justify my actions to you.

[sammy1592]

Also, I'm not "judging" him. I hate how overused that word is. I'm just not overly happy with the situation. He's obviously a grown man who can make his decisions. But that doesn't mean I have to agree and/or be happy with all of them.

[annie24]

Well, if you said you didn't want to live with him until marriage, and he's trying to save money, then moving in with a roommate makes sense. Plus, now he can save up for an engagement ring.

[abitbroken]

I don't see the problem with his actions. It looks like he wanted to move in with you and offered. You said no, because you want to be married first. He doesn't want to be married yet.

 

This is a case of conflicting needs. Neither one of you is wrong or immature here in my opinion. It might be worth evaluating whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. To me, I don't see this being a deal breaker for many people.

 

Why do you think having a roommate is an exclusively college-like behavior? I've graduated college and it was either have a solo apartment at like 800 a month, or a three roommate apartment for 350 a month. That kind of money adds up. Sounds like a wise financial decision to me.

 

Many young professionals in all the major cities have roommates. People in their 20s-40s who are unmarried do it. People who are widowed or divorced and are 50+ do it. If he has a roomie, he can save money. if for example a one bedroom is $800 and a 2 is $1100 -- he is saving a little every month. The option isn't - move in with you or live alone --- he is free to live with someone else if he is not living with you.

 

This man is not ready to get married -- and rightfully, he is not moving in with you.

 

Maybe you should face the idea that he might not be someone who wants to marry at all - won't be at that place yet for awhile or just simply doesn't want to marry you. You talk about his negative qualities -- you have decided he's not strong enough to have a roommate who smokes if he has cut back. You have decided he "hasn't grown up" - what are the positive qualities about him since clearly you don't hold him in the utmost respect?