Urgent advice on relationships

[JellyfishXxx]

I would bring it up LaHermes but it should not be analysed for a year as the situation is clear. So how can I cope by myself? What can I do? That is what I mean. Because I see the other person is staying the same (towards me) ...

[LaHermes]

You can't cope by yourself, Jelly. If you could we wouldn't even be having this conversation.

This is not about getting classes in holding conversations with others.

 

If that is all it were, and so simple, then you wouldn't be staying in bed for two weeks at a run, and getting depressed.

 

The underlying factors MUST be addressed, Jelly. And I do not know what exactly you mean by this:

 

"but it should not be analysed for a year as the situation is clear."

 

What is wrong with getting matters analysed (and in depth) NOW?

[JellyfishXxx]

Nothing. As long as I get concrete advice on how to build relationships now. That it is so awkward and impossible, it makes no sense? And I can be active but I feel lonely nonetheless ...

Any advice also for what I can do in free time?

I think I might move in with distant relatives. This is going nowhere. And she is abusive. She does not answer messages and important requests and leaves me to vegetate. She ignores that, too.

[LaHermes]

Find an activity that interests you, a sporting activity maybe. There is such a wide range available. What do YOU like to do? Surely there are leisure and sports facilities where you are? Gym facilities? Tennis? Boating?

 

I don't understand who you mean by "she" here, J.

 

And she is abusive. She does not answer messages and important requests and leaves me to vegetate. She ignores that, too.

 

[RainyCoast]

for starters, social services, for both programs that help reintroduce you into society and counseling on interpersonal skills and emotional autonomy.

 

i haven't read your past threads so don't know why you see a p.doc, but it can't be minor if you were hospitalized- such things aren't done away with in no time. especially if there is things like schizoaffective or bpd adding to the feeling of being cut-off from others, you have to be patient. nobody can change that "urgently", as hermes is right, these things didn't develop out of nowhere.

[JellyfishXxx]

It's the female parent.

I just do not know how to be with people. So it is not helpful to do activities either ...

Right now I could go outside and talk to this flatmate and I don't know what I would say to him. How to even continue the conversation. LaHermes I sent you a PM.

[RainyCoast]

leaves me to vegetate.

nobody "leaves another to vegetate" as people are free and can be as animated or as passive as they choose.

[LaHermes]

It is quite all right Jelly to say outright that your female parent was abusive towards you. That in itself is detrimental to your psychological well-being.

 

You did ask:

 

Any advice also for what I can do in free time?

 

I believe that if you do take up an activity you will find that social interaction becomes easier. Also you are not required to converse when you are cycling, riding, hill walking, playing tennis etc.

[JellyfishXxx]

Ok. If you were a parent, would you leave your child to sleep day and night? You would not think something is up? Of course and be alone ...

[JellyfishXxx]

I wonder how to emerge from this. If it is possible. I hope it is possible as I cannot go without interaction for months ...

[LaHermes]

So, what you are saying is that your parent IS there, physically, living with you? Yes?

[JellyfishXxx]

No but there it is this way. I don't know what to say. It is constantly being ignored no matter what happens. I need help and care and ... this isn't right.

My question is how can you overcome inadequate socialisation from an early age ... any great ideas?

[RainyCoast]

we gave you great ideas. groups, local mental health communities, social services and clinical social workers to help with counseling, family problems and reintegration into society, psychiatric check-up, a consult with an MD, occupational therapy, new activities, using therapy to learn self-soothing and emotional autonomy (wherein gratitude is included), social intelligence and social skills.

 

also,

I deserve to learn how to get along with people AS I AM. Group home cannot teach you that ...

i know what a group home teaches. it teaches precisely that and much more. but i agree that as long as you feel you can be independent, and if you are willing to learn what it takes to survive on your own, there is no reason why you shouldn't try other solutions first.

 

As for social coach, they would need to see how you actually socialize or not with people, what you do ... in order to help.

the fact that you are not socializing, feel inept at socializing, feel disconnected when connected even, gives them a very clear idea what they are working with.

 

so let's see. professionals are useless, though many have worked with you, none have magically done away with self-imposed isolation. i can see why your therapist suggested practicing gratitude.

 

i'd just start trying the first thing on the list, and anything else professionals suggested.

[JellyfishXxx]

Yes I will do that but did you miss it is inadequate socialisation from early age, most likely? It is not self-imposed isolation.

[RainyCoast]

yes i read it. you are not locked up. only you can unlearn what doesn't serve you, and learn better anew.

[LaHermes]

Yes, Jelly, and that goes back to the family of origin and the dysfunction.

 

"it is inadequate socialisation from early age, "

 

Read this J.

 

 

 

and the other excellent essays too.

[JellyfishXxx]

yes i read it. you are not locked up. only you can unlearn what doesn't serve you, and learn better anew.

 

That sounds good but I have been several places, met many people, and I have the same trouble all the time. How do I learn "better"? I seem to need help because just being in social situations does not seem enough.

[RainyCoast]

long term therapy deconstructs the patterns we still use to set ourselves up for failure. you could persist with that, so as to learn anew how to build meaningful relationships and be more comfortable in social situations.

 

if you really dislike therapy that taps into the past, then both rational emotive behavioral therapy and glasser's reality therapy are good choices because they're shorter and present-focused. both are easy to learn to use yourself as well, you could ask a therapist to teach you how to use a simple REBT framework for example.

 

social situations does not seem enough.

well, you mentioned a coach for instance. instead of setting myself up for failure by giving up on him/her because they require me eventually going about socializing, i would embrace exposure with them. you said earlier you could go chat up your flatmate outside, but fear you don't know how to approach, hold a conversation, make it such as to encourage the person to socialize with you more. a coach would be perfect in these types of situations. you could both seek exposure, and they'd coach you as you went about practicing.

 

 

some of the famous psychoanalysts and psychologists had to overcome isolation, marginalization, extreme shyness, awkwardness, rejection, shame, feelings of inadequacy. Albert Ellis stood in the middle of a city park, intent to chat up 100 women, insistent that it would help desensitize him to rejection, feeling self-conscious about his stutter, improve his approach, and his chances, statistically.

 

 

strive to liberate yourself from all self-imposed limitations.

[JellyfishXxx]

1. Do you think therapy/counselling once a week will help? It is just likely to be "someone to talk to" for those 50 minutes. Of course it is probably not enough. What could help is being somewhere, living with other people and there getting help and working on skills?

Plus how can a therapist help you if they don't see you in social settings?

2. Shyness is one thing. I have urge to hide away sometimes because I do not have tools to act, simply. It feels like trying to build a lego house without legos. I am worried. Something does not feel right. But it is not shyness.

[Capricorn3]

I have read the entire thread and I still cannot quite put my finger on exactly what is going on or what the actual issue is. The little that I can figure out brings me to the conclusion that it sounds like you suffer from anxiety and depression and the underlying cause is something to do with your past. As others have mentioned in this thread, I think the only thing that will help you is professional counselling and therapy to get to the bottom of the actual issues at hand. I don't think you're going to be able to work through this on your own.

[JellyfishXxx]

I cannot explain it better than: When alone or sometimes even with others, I feel alone and do not know how to "be" and hang out with people. Conversations stop and go nowhere and I feel I am lacking a certain feeling or something serious. Instead of talking to flatmate, I can sometimes just hide away in room. Although I feel lonely. I do not know what to do with my time, either. How to spend it, e.g. on what hobbies, to feel less alone. I am staying in bed and on internet at the moment. Just passing time. I try to do something else, I feel so very lonely and like it is unbearable? I don't know ...

Also like I said, I was left home alone since early age for all day and nobody told me what to do to pass time or checked up on me.

 

No, I am not depressed. How would you feel if you were never given a safe space to be who you are at home, plus sufficient regular interaction?

I just feel so bad on my own and like no one cares for me really?

[Capricorn3]

I cannot explain it better than: When alone or sometimes even with others, I feel alone and do not know how to "be" and hang out with people. Conversations stop and go nowhere and I feel I am lacking a certain feeling or something serious. Instead of talking to flatmate, I can sometimes just hide away in room. Although I feel lonely. I do not know what to do with my time, either. How to spend it, e.g. on what hobbies, to feel less alone. I am staying in bed and on internet at the moment. Just passing time. I try to do something else, I feel so very lonely and like it is unbearable? I don't know ...

Also like I said, I was left home alone since early age for all day and nobody told me what to do to pass time or checked up on me.

 

No, I am not depressed. How would you feel if you were never given a safe space to be who you are at home, plus sufficient regular interaction?

I just feel so bad on my own and like no one cares for me really?

OP, I don't know about anyone else, but ALL you describe above, to me, is a LOT of reason which can lead to depression. I still say you sound depressed and counselling/therapy of some form, would be very beneficial to you (imo). I still stand by my original post above.

[JellyfishXxx]

I am not depressed. I just have no one to hang out with, have trouble socialising and feel lonely. It is not the same.

[Capricorn3]

I am not depressed. I just have no one to hang out with, have trouble socialising and feel lonely. It is not the same.

 

We'll just have to agree to disagree. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad and lonely etc. I hope you find some sort of help. I wish you well.

[JellyfishXxx]

Yes ... you know first year at university, it was similar. I spent the whole first year in bed, almost, or in my room. It is just not a life!