I don't know how in the world I am ever gonna meet someone

[xplorationspac]

I could disagree with the standards thing any more than I already do.

 

I get maybe 3 messages a day and most are bad, ranging from "hey" to "I'm lonely in my marriage"

 

I would consider myself average looking. So I think men have exceptionally high standards online, too.

 

And I only reach out to people I feel are within my range.

 

 

My problem with online dating is that I'm going after the most sought after demographic (mid 20s, cute, fit). I know i'm going to face very very very stiff competition and it's discouraging.

 

 

Yes I can write a good profile, yes I will write a thoughtful message. I don't care about getting laid, 100% I want a relationship so I'm not gonna say anything creepy (not that I ever do anyways) but a lot of that goes out the window when she has 100 guys messaging her who all look like Zac Efron. How do I compete with that?

[LaHermes]

I can see where you are coming from, Xplorer.

 

I read this:

 

Even the CEO of Match admits that online dating cycles are shorter because people are more willing to leave unsatisfying relationships. It’s easier to throw in the towel when you know there are 20 more towels waiting to be picked up.

 

“There is a greediness involved in online dating,” says Ayesha Vardag, one of Britain’s leading divorce lawyers.

 

“It is, after all, a sort of digital menu full of people waiting to be chosen or disregarded. As well as the convenience factor it’s easy to get carried away with the high of instant gratification and not give the relationship a real chance to develop.”

 

Paradoxically, by opening up a new world of choice, we have become aware that there could always been someone better just a click away.

 

In that way, sexual attraction is similar to hunger.

 

“And who has not found their appetite suddenly revived when a new course is presented?” writes Professor Frederick Toates in his new book ‘How Sexual Desire Works.’

 

The US Association of Psychological Science also found that browsing multiple profiles makes people far more judgemental that they would be in a face-to-face meeting, quickly writing off candidates who don’t tick every box.

 

And the chances of opposites attracting? Forget it online. You’ll only get matched with people who like the same films as you, read the same newspaper, like dogs, go to church. In other words you are looking for a clone. And in biological terms that doesn’t end well.

 

 

From an article in The Telegraph

The Science of Dating: why we should stop dating online

 

[xplorationspac]

I can see where you are coming from, Xplorer.

 

I read this:

 

Even the CEO of Match admits that online dating cycles are shorter because people are more willing to leave unsatisfying relationships. It’s easier to throw in the towel when you know there are 20 more towels waiting to be picked up.

 

“There is a greediness involved in online dating,” says Ayesha Vardag, one of Britain’s leading divorce lawyers.

 

“It is, after all, a sort of digital menu full of people waiting to be chosen or disregarded. As well as the convenience factor it’s easy to get carried away with the high of instant gratification and not give the relationship a real chance to develop.”

 

Paradoxically, by opening up a new world of choice, we have become aware that there could always been someone better just a click away.

 

In that way, sexual attraction is similar to hunger.

 

“And who has not found their appetite suddenly revived when a new course is presented?” writes Professor Frederick Toates in his new book ‘How Sexual Desire Works.’

 

The US Association of Psychological Science also found that browsing multiple profiles makes people far more judgemental that they would be in a face-to-face meeting, quickly writing off candidates who don’t tick every box.

 

And the chances of opposites attracting? Forget it online. You’ll only get matched with people who like the same films as you, read the same newspaper, like dogs, go to church. In other words you are looking for a clone. And in biological terms that doesn’t end well.

 

 

From an article in The Telegraph

The Science of Dating: why we should stop dating online

 

 

 

interesting article. I would personally love to date the female version of me. My best friend is nearly identical to me for personality/hobbies/interests/values/morals and we get along so well like you wouldn't believe.

 

Online dating is nearly impossible for men in my age range. Its fantastic for all women obviously and men in their 40s.

[mustlovedogs]

I had a typo. I meant I couldn't disagree with you more.

 

If it's not going great for me, am I an ugly useless slug?

 

No.

 

Online dating makes everyone more picky. I don't think it's easy for anyone.

[xplorationspac]

I had a typo. I meant I couldn't disagree with you more.

 

If it's not going great for me, am I an ugly useless slug?

 

No.

 

Online dating makes everyone more picky. I don't think it's easy for anyone.

 

 

 

why are you struggling??

 

 

My male close friend who is going through a terrible divorce, lives with a friend, broke as can be, balding badly, etc... still has no problems succeeding with online dating... but he's in 40s going after women in their 40s. If that's the demographic I was interested in, I would have no problems dating in real life - women in their late 30s and 40s approach me all the time and are seemingly very interested. They are usually super nice and great to talk to but I can't date somebody in that range seriously. I need someone in their 20s to start a family with and that's a much much more difficult demographic unfortunately.

[Batya33]

My problem with online dating is that I'm going after the most sought after demographic (mid 20s, cute, fit). I know i'm going to face very very very stiff competition and it's discouraging.

 

 

Yes I can write a good profile, yes I will write a thoughtful message. I don't care about getting laid, 100% I want a relationship so I'm not gonna say anything creepy (not that I ever do anyways) but a lot of that goes out the window when she has 100 guys messaging her who all look like Zac Efron. How do I compete with that?

 

Several of my friends met their spouses and SOs through online dating sites and they were in their 20s and 30s and all looking to start a family. And they all have.

[mustlovedogs]

why are you struggling??

 

 

My male close friend who is going through a terrible divorce, lives with a friend, broke as can be, balding badly, etc... still has no problems succeeding with online dating... but he's in 40s going after women in their 40s. If that's the demographic I was interested in, I would have no problems dating in real life - women in their late 30s and 40s approach me all the time and are seemingly very interested. They are usually super nice and great to talk to but I can't date somebody in that range seriously. I need someone in their 20s to start a family with and that's a much much more difficult demographic unfortunately.

 

Uh... I'm struggling because OLD makes everyone picky.

[Viewcart]

I have similar problem except i'm female. Most of the time i'm either at school or work. I don't drink or party so bar, club, or music festival environment is the last place I want to set foot on let alone find a future husband at. For a year I used online dating apps which wasn't much of a success because even though it's easy as a female to get matches, it was hard getting a man you meet on there to commit since there's so many options on there's a high for "the next best thing".

 

Now I don't think i'm going back to online dating for a while. I'm going to volunteer at animal shelters or join sport clubs. Maybe I will meet someone there. Also, perhaps the right person comes along into your life when you're not actively searching or least expect it. In the meantime, all we can do is live our own life until the opportunity arise.

 

The struggle is real for both genders who are actually looking for a LTR.

[xplorationspac]

I have similar problem except i'm female. Most of the time i'm either at school or work. I don't drink or party so bar, club, or music festival environment is the last place I want to set foot on let alone find a future husband at.

 

I aim for happy balance. I work 55 hours a week and I'm very responsible but I enjoy my free time and love to drink/party/have fun in general. This is yet another reason why my dating struggles are so frustrating - I feel like I have a good happy balance of everything (manly but sensitive, can be assertive but can be super easy going, etc..). Dating should not be this difficult, but I suppose a lot of it is my fault for not wanting to live in downtown Chicago where every other cute and successful 28 year old wants to live.

[xplorationspac]

Uh... I'm struggling because OLD makes everyone picky.

 

so why does my balding, near bankrupt friend in his 40s have no problems dating online??

 

I think the only demographic online that's overwhelmingly picky are cute women in that 20 to 33 range. Everybody else is pretty reasonable.

 

Men generally have much lower standards than women because they have to. Hell look at me - I don't think my standards are high at all. If you found a very attractive woman in her late 20s who was in awesome shape and made 190K a year (so the female equivalent of me), she would be looking to date a male model billionaire/professional athlete, she would be considered way WAY out of my league even though she is the exact female version of me.

[reinventmyself]

You quote numbers and qualities over and over but what you don't touch on - is substance.

Your muscles and check book mean squat if you don't have some depth and personal insight going for you.

[LaHermes]

Maybe this is where the problem lies, Xplorer:

 

"and I'm very heavily Americanized in everything I do."

[LaHermes]

So, as OP said in op:

 

"I'm also very big into family, I love kids, I come from a great family, I have great friends, I am extremely loyal, affectionate, easy going, etc..."

 

Sounds good to me.

 

Maybe you should try being less "American" and more yourself.

[xplorationspac]

You quote numbers and qualities over and over but what you don't touch on - is substance.

Your muscles and check book mean squat if you don't have some depth and personal insight going for you.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with my character or depth. I make friends everywhere I go and try to be a decent person in general, especially to those I care for. I love my family/friends.

[xplorationspac]

So, as OP said in op:

 

"I'm also very big into family, I love kids, I come from a great family, I have great friends, I am extremely loyal, affectionate, easy going, etc..."

 

Sounds good to me.

 

Maybe you should try being less "American" and more yourself.

 

Americans have horrible family values (charging kids rent, bullsh*t like that) so I have held on to my Armenian values in that regard - we're taught to do anything for friends/family. We are ferociously loyal. I do love American food/music/movies/sports/etc...

 

Long story short, I have attempted to adopt the best parts of both cultures. I get along well with both American patriot types and Europeans as a result.

[LaHermes]

Xplorer, you are preaching to the converted.

 

Over here it is the same. We do anything for family and friends. And no, kids are not charged rent here either lol.

 

And of course, we cannot generalize, I am sure. There are families, and then there are families.

[xplorationspac]

Xplorer, you are preaching to the converted.

 

Over here it is the same. We do anything for family and friends. And no, kids are not charged rent here either lol.

 

oh it's f*cking abominable how many Americans treat family. I send 500 bucks every month to my family members back home (grandpa/couple aunts) to help them live better. I wish I could make 800 grand a year - I would take care of all my aunts, cousins, everybody.

 

My challenge will be, in the very unlikely scenario that I ever meet a woman who wants to be with me, is to make sure my kids have the same extreme drive/determination/work ethic/ambition that I have because my kids will have everything they want. They will not live deprived like I did as a little kid - I will give them everything.

[mustlovedogs]

Well, OP, let me tell you about me and you decide for yourself.

 

6 figure salary, master's degree, adventurous, outgoing, nice, well traveled, romantic.

 

I worked out multiple times a week and have fairly good strength, flexibility, and endurance. But I'm plus sized.

 

I'm fairly sure I don't have much luck because I'm plus sized (certainly not huge).

 

I have all these other amazing qualities and I'm struggling.

 

But, sure, women are way more picky.

[Batya33]

Americans have horrible family values (charging kids rent, bullsh*t like that) so I have held on to my Armenian values in that regard - we're taught to do anything for friends/family. We are ferociously loyal. I do love American food/music/movies/sports/etc...

 

Long story short, I have attempted to adopt the best parts of both cultures. I get along well with both American patriot types and Europeans as a result.

 

LOL. Try not to judge until you are a parent. Charging an adult child rent is a great way to encourage independence to a child who is old enough to live on her own but reluctant to leave the nest. And you don't know what goes on in families. Perhaps that child refuses to get a job and they don't want him out on the street but also want to encourage earning $. Charging rent is one way. I am American and was not charged rent as an adult while I was a full time grad student. It was so awesome of my parents to do that for me. Decreased my school loans, etc.

Armenian values -to do anything for friends or family -are not unique to Armenian -they are part of many individuals' values - not sure where you get your negative generalizations/stereotypes from but it's certainly not true in my experience and I've been an American for almost 51 years. Doing anything for your child sometimes means doing anything to foster independence - that's really hard for parents sometimes because it's easier just to do whatever it is for them.

[xplorationspac]

Well, OP, let me tell you about me and you decide for yourself.

 

6 figure salary, master's degree, adventurous, outgoing, nice, well traveled, romantic.

 

I worked out multiple times a week and have fairly good strength, flexibility, and endurance. But I'm plus sized.

 

I'm fairly sure I don't have much luck because I'm plus sized (certainly not huge).

 

I have all these other amazing qualities and I'm struggling.

 

But, sure, women are way more picky.

 

I'm sorry that you are struggling, that sucks but I will be honest - Its very difficult for me to have a ton of sympathy for plus size people. I have just about the worst appetite you will ever ever see - I'm pretty certain I could set a world record for eating. I used to be fat in high school so my stomach is a complete bottomless endless black hole. I've eaten 8000 calories before in 1 sitting

 

 

...but I push through all that and have still found a way to be extremely lean/toned. Mind over matter, I will work out 6 times a week and run 4 miles a day if that's what it takes for me to maintain the action movie body that I want. Sometimes, I have food cravings that are so bad they would paralyze an elephant - but I don't give in. Mind over matter

[mustlovedogs]

I'm sorry that you are struggling, that sucks but I will be honest - Its very difficult for me to have a ton of sympathy for plus size people. I have just about the worst appetite you will ever ever see - I'm pretty certain I could set a world record for eating. I used to be fat in high school so my stomach is a complete bottomless endless black hole. I've eaten 8000 calories before in 1 sitting

 

 

...but I push through all that and have still found a way to be extremely lean/toned. Mind over matter, I will work out 6 times a week and run 4 miles a day if that's what it takes for me to maintain the action movie body that I want. Sometimes, I have food cravings that are so bad they would paralyze an elephant - but I don't give in. Mind over matter

 

You're a walking contradiction. You say you eat terribly but then you don't have sympathy.

 

I work out and track my food. I just think I have a slow metabolism. I think more strict dieting would help me drop some weight but I'll never be a super model.

 

My point doesn't change. I hit even all your requirements and I'm not good enough.

 

Because men are picky too. I'm just annoyed that you're so "woe is me, I have it so hard." I think your attitude is a problem and I still find you condescending (see prior post)

[LaHermes]

Xplorer.

 

You are quite right. One can instil, as you point out, a good work ethic and drive, and also foster independence, and yet be human towards one's offspring.

I was never charged rent, but then I was gone by age 20, and anyhow had been away from home at college for years prior to that. But I know that if I had been unable, for whatever reason, to get work, my father would not have charged me rent. Thankfully by and large our society is still a humane one.

 

My parents were very into fostering independence, I was sent travelling at a very young age, and, oh horror, my father paid for my education. Oh yes, I did have holiday jobs, as most other students did, and still do.

 

I have been to the U.S.A. twice, and met lovely people there and saw many wonderful things, but I wouldn't live there for any money. Then again, I suppose many would not want to live over here either.

 

Oh yes, I am fit and lean, but no kudos to me, as it is in the family genes, and I can eat what I like, but tend to eat very healthily.

[xplorationspac]

You're a walking contradiction. You say you eat terribly but then you don't have sympathy.

 

I work out and track my food. I just think I have a slow metabolism. I think more strict dieting would help me drop some weight but I'll never be a super model.

 

My point doesn't change. I hit even all your requirements and I'm not good enough.

 

Because men are picky too. I'm just annoyed that you're so "woe is me, I have it so hard." I think your attitude is a problem and I still find you condescending (see prior post)

 

So you're telling me you're messaging men who are plus size and you're getting nowhere?

 

That seems very hard to believe. Most plus size men I know have terrible standards

[mustlovedogs]

So you're telling me you're messaging men who are plus size and you're getting nowhere?

 

That seems very hard to believe. Most plus size men I know have terrible standards

 

I can't do this. You're so condescending. Good luck.

[xplorationspac]

I can't do this. You're so condescending. Good luck.

 

I'm not trying to be condescending, I apologize if its coming across that way

 

You're messaging men similar to yourself and getting nowhere? If that's the case, then that's terrible

 

You really think that even plus size men want attractive in shape women?? Most overweight men I know are dating women even more overweight than themselves