Thoughts, Rants, and Musings

[Jibralta]

On 7/26/2022 at 6:55 PM, Jibralta said:

I just got back this morning. What a powerful experience! I hope to be able to write about it sometime soon. Right now, I am still processing. It will probably come out in fits and starts!

My biological mom, Ellen, passed away yesterday! It was pretty sudden. Her younger sister, Linda, called me and told me. I knew Ellen was sick--she'd caught Covid shortly after I flew back to Jersey and had to be moved from the rehab facility to a regular hospital. 

The last time I spoke to Ellen was Thursday. I did start to get a little worried on Friday, and at one point I actually teared up at work. On Saturday, I teared up again at work. I thought about how grateful I was to her. I thought about a lot. I pictured saying it over her grave and it felt real. I stopped what I was doing and wrote it to her in an email that I knew I'd never send. I started the email, "You don't have a lot of time left on earth. I think we both know that." 

I was at the office by myself, which is good because that's where I was when Linda called. She said, "I don't know how to tell you this..." I said, "Just say it." She hesitated. I said, "Is it about Ellen?" She said yes. I said, "Has she died?" She said, "Yes," and started crying. She said, "I'm so sorry, this is never how I wanted it to be when I reached out to you." We both cried. She told me that they all considered me a part of the family, and that they wanted to meet me. That was really nice.

So.... yeah. 

[mylolita]

52 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

My biological mom, Ellen, passed away yesterday! It was pretty sudden. Her younger sister, Linda, called me and told me. I knew Ellen was sick--she'd caught Covid shortly after I flew back to Jersey and had to be moved from the rehab facility to a regular hospital. 

The last time I spoke to Ellen was Thursday. I did start to get a little worried on Friday, and at one point I actually teared up at work. On Saturday, I teared up again at work. I thought about how grateful I was to her. I thought about a lot. I pictured saying it over her grave and it felt real. I stopped what I was doing and wrote it to her in an email that I knew I'd never send. I started the email, "You don't have a lot of time left on earth. I think we both know that." 

I was at the office by myself, which is good because that's where I was when Linda called. She said, "I don't know how to tell you this..." I said, "Just say it." She hesitated. I said, "Is it about Ellen?" She said yes. I said, "Has she died?" She said, "Yes," and started crying. She said, "I'm so sorry, this is never how I wanted it to be when I reached out to you." We both cried. She told me that they all considered me a part of the family, and that they wanted to meet me. That was really nice.

So.... yeah. 

I’m so sorry Jib. This is a real blow.

 

My thoughts are with you - I’m glad you found her in time and didn’t leave it another year or two.

 

All the best dear Jib. Here if you need me.

 

Love,

 

x

[Jibralta]

My mom called me yesterday and asked me to get Linda's address so that she could send the family a mass card from me. Yes, from me (not herself lol). Never mind that we're not Catholic (and neither are they!). 

I'm like, "Mom, I don't think they're Catholic. I think they're Methodist or Baptist or some other form of Protestant." I don't know the difference between these different sects of Christianity, but I do know that Protestants are deliberately not Catholics. 

My mom was like, "That's ok, it's really about the gesture." I knew that was absolutely true in New Jersey, where we don't even blink at stuff like that. But I felt like it might be a different case in Texas. I said, "Can it just be from you? I was planning on sending a funeral spray or something." My mom was like, "Oh, sure. I'll just send it from 'Family of_________'."

Then my mom called her Catholic friend, who talked her out of sending the mass card altogether. She's now going to send a sympathy card. 👍

I called Linda, not really knowing what I would say, or how I would tactfully ask her for her address. But the conversation went very smoothly. We talked for about an hour. She was very informative and communicative, which was very unlike Ellen. But I think Ellen had reasons for being the way that she was. I think Ellen lived a tough life, whereas Linda has had a more peaceful and harmonious life. Linda put a daughter up for adoption as well.

Right after I got off the phone with Linda, another of Ellen's sisters called me: Natalie. She was putting together the service arrangements and wanted to know my availability and keep me in the loop with everything. I told her I didn't think it was possible for me to get out there again so soon. But somehow, that didn't seem to register with her lol.

The service will be on a weekend. And I think all of Ellen's sisters and brothers are going to be there--there are five siblings (she was the sixth). So, maybe I will go. It will be a whirlwind trip and probably very emotional. But I think I will go.

[Jibralta]

I'm on a group text about memorial arrangements with Ellen's five brothers and sisters, Linda, Mark, Mary, Natalie, and Ron. Also on the text is Maureen, Ron's wife. The memorial details were finalized yesterday, and now I just have to reach out to work for time off in October, when it is scheduled.

Maureen reached out to me on the text and asked me to tell everybody about myself. She told me all her kids, their families, their careers. Then Mary and Natalie did the same. Mark called me directly to chat, and I spoke to him for 40 minutes last night. The only one I haven't heard from is Ron, but his wife seems to be his proxy! 

It's really nice to be welcomed 🙂

[Jibralta]

On 5/9/2022 at 8:36 PM, Jibralta said:

Yesterday, I saw that I'd just missed a call from my friend Cathy. When I called her back she was sobbing. She said, "I'm sorry to call you like this, but Mom died. And I'm drunk."

After my initial shock and sadness and condolences, I said, "Don't worry, I'm drunk too," and she burst into laughter. Then she started crying again. 

It happened four days ago, the result of a massive heart attack. Her mom hadn't felt good for a couple of days--everyone thought it was indigestion. By the time they realized and got her to the hospital, it was too late. Her blood pressure just kept dropping.

When I found out the Ellen died, I first called my boyfriend (who said, "HOLY SHT! HOLY SHT!!! HOLY ***!!!!!"), then I called my mom, then I called my Aunt Darleen, and finally I called Cathy. 

Cathy, not because her mom just died--well, yes, because her mom just died, but also, perhaps mainly because she and I used to joke that we were sisters, and that her mom was really my mom, too.

Cathy was a year younger than me. Her mom was 17 when she had Cathy. My mom was 16 when she had me--and then she put me up for adoption. The math worked out! PLUS, Cathy and I looked alike. That was the main thing. She and I were joined at the hip when she was 16 and I was 17. People were always asking if we were sisters. So, when we compared notes about our mothers, this joke was born.

When I finally met Cathy's mom a lifetime later, we shared the joke with her and pressured her to admit she was my mom, too. But of course, she wasn't my mom. But Cathy and I still had this joke. So, when Ellen died, I had to call Cathy. She and I don't talk a lot. Maybe once a year. But stuff like this still connects us.

[reinventmyself]

Oh wow J, what a shock.  The timing and all.   I am so sorry and at the same time so glad you had those moments with her.  Imagine had you waited just a few weeks longer?  Life has a weird way of working out.  Just when you think you have things figured out.

What a journey you've had from when you first opened the door to all of this.

I am so sorry about Ellens passing.  Take care of yourself.  This all has to be a lot to process.

[Jibralta]

Yes, and the journey continues! 

But it's been great, really. I am so profoundly grateful for the providence.

[Jibralta]

My Uncle Mark is three years younger than Ellen. When I spoke to him on Wednesday, he told me that he's always wanted to meet me. He said he helped Ellen pick out my parents. He sat with her at the table, going through photos of people. He liked the one of my mom and dad. He still remembered it: "It was a brown house with a little tree in front."

I said, "Yes! My dad planted that tree. It grew very large and I climbed it. The people who bought the house from us cut it down!"

Mark told me that he and his mom went to see me through the glass in the room where they kept the babies. He said I was the only girl in a room full of boys. That's how they knew it was me. I didn't have a bracelet on with a name. Maybe that's because I was going to be adopted. He said, "I think Ellen actually got to meet your parents." I said, "Yes, she did. My dad remembered her. My mom doesn't remember her as well. She was too excited."

He seems really nice and I like him a lot. But apparently he suffers from major depression with psychotic features. So, I do have to be careful.

[reinventmyself]

So, you are going back, for certain?

[Jibralta]

Yes, in mid-October. I haven't made any of the travel arrangements yet. I plan to start next week.

[Seraphim]

Wow, Jib, I am so very sorry your mom passed away. Sending you my love. ❤️

[Jibralta]

I'm watching this show on Netflix called Love is Blind. It's both hard to watch and mesmerizing.

The premise is having a bunch of people "date" through "pods" where they can't see each other. They cycle through the pods throughout the day, getting to know various people.

If two people decide they're in love, one proposes to the other and they finally get to see each other. Their wedding is scheduled for 30 days out. In the interim, the engaged couples are sent to a resort to get to know each other.

It's more interesting than I like to admit.

One of the guys, Barnett, reminds me a lot of my biological father, when he was young. He just looks like him, very handsome. And now I find myself watching Barnett, feeling like I'm getting to know my biological father. It's super weird and super-gratifying. 

I think it's especially gratifying because Barnett is sooooo irresponsible and self-absorbed. Exactly the kind of guy I can picture walking away from a teenage girl that he got pregnant, justifying it in his own mind. A charmer who makes himself out to be a victim. 

Watching someone like him, through this lens I've created, is so freaking interesting. Seeing the kind of person he ended up with, how she is, the things they talk about, the choices that the make.... I think, This could be the thought-process of my bio-dad. This explains a lot about the way he's been hiding.... 

My bio-dad is way bigger and stronger than Barnett, though:

I mean, ^this man doesn't look like he'd be afraid of anything, right? LOL!

Looks can be deceiving, I suppose...

I'm guessing this shot was taken in the 90s, around the time that my half-sister was born. I'm assuming her mom took the photo. They both worked together on a highway project--that's how they met. She was a project manager, he was a construction worker. He had a career building bridges for the Marines and rose to the rank of master gunnery sergeant. He also worked in the oilfields. I think my bio-dad is in his early 30s in this photo.

He lived a double life for a while--his family didn't find out about my half-sister or me until a couple years ago. I'm a different story, though. I'm from his past. But my half sister was born of his extra-marital affair. He managed to stay in her and her mom's life for a couple of years, unbeknownst to his wife and children, parents, siblings, etc.

Crazy.

Anyway, back to the show... I'm watching one contestant after another go on and on about how they've never felt this way before, this must be love, etc. And I'm thinking, Sht, these guys are in for a rude awakening in about 60 days!

Then I realized none of them were older than 35. I remarked on that to Arnold, and we both agreed that it would probably be impossible to get people who are over 40 years old to sign up for something like this, let alone watch it (I sure as hell don't want to watch it. Well, I certainly don't want to admit that I am watching it (and that I like it!!!)).

But damn, it's really engrossing! I think that's because it's actually very relatable. It's so easy for me to yell at the screen and wag my finger at them, but I also remember life as a 20- or 30-something, being in similar shoes, making the same dumb decisions, feeling the same feelings....

And the show makes for some great conversation, believe it or not. Arnold doesn't want anything to do with it (like me!) but he listens pretty intently for someone who isn't paying attention. And he is certainly formulating some opinions!

[mylolita]

On 9/1/2022 at 3:45 PM, Jibralta said:

I'm watching this show on Netflix called Love is Blind. It's both hard to watch and mesmerizing.

The premise is having a bunch of people "date" through "pods" where they can't see each other. They cycle through the pods throughout the day, getting to know various people.

If two people decide they're in love, one proposes to the other and they finally get to see each other. Their wedding is scheduled for 30 days out. In the interim, the engaged couples are sent to a resort to get to know each other.

It's more interesting than I like to admit.

One of the guys, Barnett, reminds me a lot of my biological father, when he was young. He just looks like him, very handsome. And now I find myself watching Barnett, feeling like I'm getting to know my biological father. It's super weird and super-gratifying. 

I think it's especially gratifying because Barnett is sooooo irresponsible and self-absorbed. Exactly the kind of guy I can picture walking away from a teenage girl that he got pregnant, justifying it in his own mind. A charmer who makes himself out to be a victim. 

Watching someone like him, through this lens I've created, is so freaking interesting. Seeing the kind of person he ended up with, how she is, the things they talk about, the choices that the make.... I think, This could be the thought-process of my bio-dad. This explains a lot about the way he's been hiding.... 

My bio-dad is way bigger and stronger than Barnett, though:

I mean, ^this man doesn't look like he'd be afraid of anything, right? LOL!

Looks can be deceiving, I suppose...

I'm guessing this shot was taken in the 90s, around the time that my half-sister was born. I'm assuming her mom took the photo. They both worked together on a highway project--that's how they met. She was a project manager, he was a construction worker. He had a career building bridges for the Marines and rose to the rank of master gunnery sergeant. He also worked in the oilfields. I think my bio-dad is in his early 30s in this photo.

He lived a double life for a while--his family didn't find out about my half-sister or me until a couple years ago. I'm a different story, though. I'm from his past. But my half sister was born of his extra-marital affair. He managed to stay in her and her mom's life for a couple of years, unbeknownst to his wife and children, parents, siblings, etc.

Crazy.

Anyway, back to the show... I'm watching one contestant after another go on and on about how they've never felt this way before, this must be love, etc. And I'm thinking, Sht, these guys are in for a rude awakening in about 60 days!

Then I realized none of them were older than 35. I remarked on that to Arnold, and we both agreed that it would probably be impossible to get people who are over 40 years old to sign up for something like this, let alone watch it (I sure as hell don't want to watch it. Well, I certainly don't want to admit that I am watching it (and that I like it!!!)).

But damn, it's really engrossing! I think that's because it's actually very relatable. It's so easy for me to yell at the screen and wag my finger at them, but I also remember life as a 20- or 30-something, being in similar shoes, making the same dumb decisions, feeling the same feelings....

And the show makes for some great conversation, believe it or not. Arnold doesn't want anything to do with it (like me!) but he listens pretty intently for someone who isn't paying attention. And he is certainly formulating some opinions!

Your biological Dad is lean and mean there Jib! Men start to really bulk and broaden in their 30s, it’s such an attractive time for men in my opinion 🥲 30s and 40s!

 

Yes, even whilst wielding scaffolding he has the poise of a natural pose there! We can see why he has the other women! 
 

I love your post not because you talk about that reality show I’ve heard of, but because you refer to people in their 30s still making youthful, passionate mistakes of the heart, which, I found reassuring because I had in my head we were supposed to have given all that up and sorted ourselves out by the eve of our 30th 🥹🫡🤣

 

Great post - your family discoveries have been a real journey!

 

x

[Jibralta]

On 9/1/2022 at 10:45 AM, Jibralta said:

I'm watching this show on Netflix called Love is Blind. It's both hard to watch and mesmerizing.

The premise is having a bunch of people "date" through "pods" where they can't see each other. They cycle through the pods throughout the day, getting to know various people.

If two people decide they're in love, one proposes to the other and they finally get to see each other. Their wedding is scheduled for 30 days out. In the interim, the engaged couples are sent to a resort to get to know each other.

It's more interesting than I like to admit.

One of the guys, Barnett, reminds me a lot of my biological father, when he was young. He just looks like him, very handsome. And now I find myself watching Barnett, feeling like I'm getting to know my biological father. It's super weird and super-gratifying. 

I think it's especially gratifying because Barnett is sooooo irresponsible and self-absorbed. Exactly the kind of guy I can picture walking away from a teenage girl that he got pregnant, justifying it in his own mind. A charmer who makes himself out to be a victim. 

Watching someone like him, through this lens I've created, is so freaking interesting. Seeing the kind of person he ended up with, how she is, the things they talk about, the choices that the make.... I think, This could be the thought-process of my bio-dad. This explains a lot about the way he's been hiding.... 

I wrapped up Season 1. Very entertaining. I think the biggest overall villain was Damian. You could always count on him to be unnecessarily mean, to muddy the waters, and to overcomplicate everything for his partner, Gigi. It was kind of awful to watch her let him jerk her around, as if it somehow validated their 'love.' I felt bad for her.

It seems the general population views Jessica as the villain, but I personally don't think she did anything bad. I think she made some unfortunate choices, but I liked her overall approach.

Barnett grew on me. So did Amber, his eventual wife. They have a good rapport. I think they are probably a well-matched couple, as they are each very concerned with appearing to be successful. Barnett feels pressure from his parents and family, who have some measure of success already. Amber comes from very humble roots and her treatment of some of the other women belies her desperation to transcend that. 

This brings up some thoughts about my bio-dad, but I must write about them later.

[reinventmyself]

I watched both seasons of Love is Blind. .and I really liked them. But I like trashy reality shows to begin with.   It's very thought provoking about our choices.  But ultimately, I believe attraction has many levels.  Deny it if you want, but physical is one of them.  It was still super entertaining! 

My first attempt at on line dating, I emailed that chatted on the phone with someone who really didn't have a clear picture for weeks.   Mind you, this was 20 years ago and OLD really hadn't taken off and had an unwritten (or written) protocol.  Similar to Love is Blind, I was enamored by what I knew about him.  When I met him, my heart sunk.  He was still a nice looking man, but not someone I would typically be attracted to.  It was a good life lesson.  We became friends and after a period of time, dated romantically.  The physical attraction became secondary. 

I had to google if Barrett and Amber are still together, and they are.  I was with you.  He started off as a bit of a tool to start with and redeemed himself at the end.

Yep, Bio Dad was definitely good looking man.

[dias]

On 9/6/2022 at 3:39 PM, reinventmyself said:

Yep, Bio Dad was definitely good looking man.

Good genes don't appear out of nowhere usually 🙂

[Jibralta]

On 9/6/2022 at 10:39 AM, reinventmyself said:

But ultimately, I believe attraction has many levels.

I agree. 

On 9/6/2022 at 10:39 AM, reinventmyself said:

I watched both seasons of Love is Blind.

Me too. Quite entertaining. I'm looking forward to the third season. I think it starts next week.

On 9/6/2022 at 10:39 AM, reinventmyself said:

Yep, Bio Dad was definitely good looking man.

Yeah.

Interestingly, my adoptive father was handsome as well. One time, when he and my stepmother were on a cruise the ship put on an Armani fashion show--they approached him and asked him to model some of the clothes 😅 He got a real kick out of that.

[Jibralta]

Quote

On the second date, we were discussing scary movies and i was talking about how i thought it was important for children to consume scary movies sometimes.

This is from a closed thread, but it reminded me of something I was thinking about over the last few weeks. 

I had an ex boyfriend who loved horror movies. We dated when I was 15 - 17, and again when I was about 28. By that time, he had three kids (one 'adopted') age 4, 7, and 9. 

He watched horror movies with his kids, and they loved it. I'm not a big fan of horror movies and I questioned the wisdom of letting kids watch them. I wondered if it could somehow be be 'damaging,' (whatever that means). 

But just recently, I realized that my sister and I regularly watched horror movies with our dad when we were kids! I actually just realized this.

Even though those movies were scary and gruesome, I have very fond memories of them! 

_________________________________________

* I questioned the wisdom of all of his parenting decisions, actually. Not that he wasn't a good parent--he was very devoted to his children and a loving father. I just wasn't sure if I wanted to be involved with a parent and children. It turned out I didn't.

[Jibralta]

Gah! I finally found a hairstylist that I like and she just closed her salon after 40 years of business. I am cursed in hair.

[mylolita]

24 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Gah! I finally found a hairstylist that I like and she just closed her salon after 40 years of business. I am cursed in hair.

It’s having curls, isn’t it! 
 

Jib, this is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m sending you a hamper.

 

🥹

 

x

[mylolita]

2 minutes ago, mylolita said:

It’s having curls, isn’t it! 
 

Jib, this is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m sending you a hamper.

 

🥹

 

x

The public should be paying 15 billion pounds for a funeral for your HAIR NOT her majesty and her old boy! 
 

It’s truly a travesty and you have my condolences. I’m sending muffins.

 

x

[Jibralta]

4 minutes ago, mylolita said:

It’s having curls, isn’t it! 

Yes, the blasted curls!

[mylolita]

6 hours ago, Jibralta said:

This is from a closed thread, but it reminded me of something I was thinking about over the last few weeks. 

I had an ex boyfriend who loved horror movies. We dated when I was 15 - 17, and again when I was about 28. By that time, he had three kids (one 'adopted') age 4, 7, and 9. 

He watched horror movies with his kids, and they loved it. I'm not a big fan of horror movies and I questioned the wisdom of letting kids watch them. I wondered if it could somehow be be 'damaging,' (whatever that means). 

But just recently, I realized that my sister and I regularly watched horror movies with our dad when we were kids! I actually just realized this.

Even though those movies were scary and gruesome, I have very fond memories of them! 

_________________________________________

* I questioned the wisdom of all of his parenting decisions, actually. Not that he wasn't a good parent--he was very devoted to his children and a loving father. I just wasn't sure if I wanted to be involved with a parent and children. It turned out I didn't.

I don’t know, personally, what people get from horror films! I can’t stand them! The few I have ever seen will haunt me till the day I die!

 

Like yourself, I have a found but scared outta my skinny little behind memory of watching ‘Aliens’ with my Dad. Oh, good Lord - what possessed him?! I was 7. Traumatised. I do think to this day, it is why I associate space with creepiness and terror. 
 

He also disturbed me by a little father daughter bonding by having me sit next to him through the entire musical opera of ‘War of the Worlds’. To add to it all, we sat with the album book and artwork to each chapter on our lap. Each horrible page was open for about 20 minutes which is actually forever to a 7/8 year old. You can look up the artwork, I find it disturbing NOW!

 

🤪🤣

 

Orrrrr I am just a massive wuss! But, you dodged a bullet!

 

x

[SherrySher]

36 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I don’t know, personally, what people get from horror films! I can’t stand them! The few I have ever seen will haunt me till the day I die!

 

Like yourself, I have a found but scared outta my skinny little behind memory of watching ‘Aliens’ with my Dad. Oh, good Lord - what possessed him?! I was 7. Traumatised. I do think to this day, it is why I associate space with creepiness and terror. 
 

He also disturbed me by a little father daughter bonding by having me sit next to him through the entire musical opera of ‘War of the Worlds’. To add to it all, we sat with the album book and artwork to each chapter on our lap. Each horrible page was open for about 20 minutes which is actually forever to a 7/8 year old. You can look up the artwork, I find it disturbing NOW!

 

🤪🤣

 

Orrrrr I am just a massive wuss! But, you dodged a bullet!

 

x

You're not a wuss, Lo. Childhood is supposed to be about beautiful things, happy things.

It's not supposed to be about terror, and instilling fears.

I look at the artwork too as a grown adult and it's definitely creepy, but would be awful for a child.

I don't know what your father was thinking!

I'm sorry you had to go through that. 

He should have been reading you something like Paddington bear, or Charlotte's Web, not some kind of obscure musical that would creep out most adults!

 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

I don’t know, personally, what people get from horror films! 

Me neither. 

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Like yourself, I have a found but scared outta my skinny little behind memory of watching ‘Aliens’ with my Dad.

Actually, I guess I have to amend that statement because I just watched Alien last week and enjoyed it! 

I flinched at the scary parts, but overall it's a great movie. 

So, I guess I can stand some horror if it's not gratuitous horror--violence and gore for the sake of violence and gore like what I imagine Saw probably is (I've never seen it).

If it supports a good plot, I can take it.