Thoughts, Rants, and Musings

[Jibralta]

 

[Seraphim]

On 4/9/2022 at 2:54 PM, Jibralta said:

I got a friend request from a biological cousin. It came through on my phone (annoying--I subsequently disabled that feature). I was excited because this was one of the relatives that I had identified a year ago or more. It's one of the first branches that I started researching in my family tree. 

We share common ancestors--my 2nd great-grandparents. She's a bit older, so they might be her 1st great grandparents or even her grandparents. I wish I could post their last names here because it's hard to tell the next part without the name. Dang it.

I'm going to go with "Smith," but it's just not as catchy. Whatever. Here goes:

In the beginning of my genealogy adventures, when I was researching the Smith line--and especially when I started to identify the Smith descendants through facebook, my boyfriend called it "Smith-hunting" and proclaimed me a "Smith-hunter."* When this biological cousin, a Smith, friended me I was like "I caught one! I caught a Smith!!"

But then I logged into facebook and the friend request was gone. It must have been an accident 🤨 I guess she was just gaping at my empty profile with its one photo and accidentally clicked Friend. Uggh these bio-relatives are so aggravating. It's not that I mind being a spectacle for my gawking flinching bio-relatives. It's the lack of action. I expected more boldness, more bravery.

Come on, people. Live a little!

I can’t remember but did you reach out to her ? Would you reach out to her on messenger?

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I can’t remember but did you reach out to her ? Would you reach out to her on messenger?

I did reach out on messenger, not long after:

So, it was definitely a gawker who accidentally hit the "friend" button. I ended up changing my profile picture to something that isn't my face. I decided I do mind the gawking if they aren't going to be friendly about it. 

[Seraphim]

9 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I did reach out on messenger, not long after:

So, it was definitely a gawker who accidentally hit the "friend" button. I ended up changing my profile picture to something that isn't my face. I decided I do mind the gawking if they aren't going to be friendly about it. 

That is so strange . 

[Jibralta]

21 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

That is so strange . 

Yeah, I guess they just can't get it together over there lol.

"Stupid-crazy," says my boyfriend.

[Seraphim]

People are just so strange sometimes . 

[Jibralta]

 

[Jibralta]

On 4/7/2022 at 2:31 PM, Jibralta said:

Yesterday, I learned that Will Smith slapped Chris Rock across the face at the Oscars ceremony. This happened about a week ago. I only learned about it because a clip on YouTube with Jim Carrey and Gayle King caught my eye and I watched it. I actually couldn't believe what I was hearing; that someone--Will Smith of all people--Mr. Niceguy--had actually done that. 

I tried to avoid watching the video of the actual slap. But it was plastered all over the articles I read and in the videos I watched, so there was no missing it. When that mask came off, Will Smith didn't seem so charming and amicable anymore. Well, I guess you have to give him credit for being skilled at his trade!

I woke up this morning thinking about what he did, and it's really amazing. He had so much confidence in himself and his righteousness that he got up in front of a crowd of people, in front of TV cameras broadcasting live, and assaulted someone. He was very comfortable doing that. Most people at the Oscars are nervous about whether they are going to win. But not Will. Will was very comfortable.

And the audience at the Oscars--they applauded him! Ah, people are so stupid. So stupid. This human race of ours has a love affair with its own destruction. There's so much wealth within our grasp. Real wealth, not money or material goods. And we can't see it, can't understand it, and we've forgotten how to use it. That's ok. Everything dies. Nothing is permanent but change.

I realized today what I find so fascinating about this--why it's a microcosm of the irony I see in the world today.

Will Smith strode onto the stage and slapped Chris Rock across the face in front of an audience of countless people because Chris Rock was being insensitive.

The righteous 'lesson' in sensitivity 'taught' through shame and humiliation.

[Jibralta]

35 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I expected more poise and introspection from them. I know what I was able to handle, even as a 14 year old. I thought they would have that same strength. I feel almost embarrassed for them. 

Wow, that's a strong reaction and expectation. 

I don't mean to hijack this journal too much but I've been reading all you are writing about trying to connect with your bio fam, and I'm soaking in the unique perspective.. part of it is that my SO has been talking more about connecting with his bio fam lately. 

I'm surprised you are upset at the siblings who didn't know and are handling it by shutting you out, but I'm also just trying to understand. 

I think my reaction is pretty mild, actually. I reached out once four years ago and have since left them alone. A couple relatives have reached out to me and we have a pleasant relationship. We don't bash the oddballs. Maybe we laugh at them a little. Why not? Truth be told, we rarely mention them.

I think it's appropriate and natural for me to have my own hopes and personal expectations borne from a lifetime of knowing that I am adopted and wondering about who my biological relatives are, if they are like me, etc. I thought they'd be more like me is all. But there's lots of DNA to go around. We can't all be clones! It doesn't upset me. I have feelings of hope and surprise and disappointment and this feeling similar to embarrassment (pity?) for my seemingly hapless relatives. It is a source of great entertainment and wonder and I hope your boyfriend enjoys a similarly rewarding journey!

[Jibralta]

I'm not much of a Death Metal fan. But every once in a while a song comes around with Death-Metally elements and I really like it.

 

[Jibralta]

Growing up, one of my favorite bands was Jane's Addiction. There are two albums that I really like. One is an EP called Jane's Addiction that is live. I pretty much like the whole album, which is rare for me. The other album is Ritual de lo Habitual. I know a lot of people like Nothing's Shocking, but I just can't get into that one for some reason. I have the same problem with the band Anthrax. I genuinely want to like them, but they usually fall short for me (Bring the Noise (with Public Enemy), I'm the Man, and Got the Time are the only songs I like by Anthrax, and Got the Time is a cover).

Ritual is interesting in the way it's set up. But you only get to experience that if you bought the cassette tape version--sort of how Pink Floyd's The Wall is: you really only get to appreciate the cyclical setup of the album if you have the LP, which I did (thanks to my parents). Side three of The Wall is my favorite. I used to fall asleep to it when I was a teenager. But I love the whole album.

Ritual de lo Habitual has two sides, just like every cassette tape. But the first side on this album is really short. I think like half of it is dead air. I like most of the songs on the first side. The only one I really can't stand is Been Caught Stealing. The video is pretty cool; I just hate the song. Actually, I don't think I like Perry Farrell very much. Love love love his contribution to music, but if I had to spend 30 minutes in a room with him, I think I'd probably kill him. He's great in a way, but there's also something slightly irritating about him.

My heart is with the second side of Ritual. It is just gorgeous. I think Three Days is my favorite with Then She Did being a very very close second. Classic Girl is probably my least favorite on this side, but I think the message of this song is so important: 

For us, these are the days!

 

[Jibralta]

I woke up this morning from a dream, where someone was saying, "Yeah, they're all losing their jobs." And I thought, Of course...that explains everything that's been happening!  

Suddenly I was wide awake, thinking I was going to get fired.

I couldn't shake the feeling all morning. It was so intense. It was like a trap. Every thought pointed to me getting fired, even good thoughts bent into bad thoughts. I realized I was probably having a panic attack, but unfortunately that knowledge didn't make it stop.

I felt despondent, weak, insubstantial, like it was all over for me, nothing mattered. I didn't feel this way yesterday and I desperately wanted to believe it was anxiety and misunderstanding on my part. But I didn't believe that. I believed I was going to be fired. I couldn't concentrate on my tasks. I felt like like there was no point, it's hopeless, etc. I just wanted to go home, curl up in bed, and pull the covers up over my head. 

At around 10AM, I finally called my coworker, Pei. We work together on a lot of projects. She is a good person, a mentor, and I trust her. I told her about the anxiety I was having--I gave her some concrete reasons for it. For example, one of our coworkers was fired two weeks ago. Our company is turning down work so that it can restructure. I don't have as many projects as I once did...

Pei was soooooo fricking reassuring. I sat there listening to her, wishing I had a tape recorder. She ran through my strengths and my contributions, and she made me feel how valued I was. She said, "Everyone only has good things to say about you," and I realized that I believed her. 

I was feeling so good yesterday, like things were finally coming together. I am working for a great company with an awesome team. I'm starting to become LESS anxious, LESS scattered, I'm finally ready to buckle down and trust myself to complete my tasks. Could it be that? The RELEASE of years of anxiety and frustration trying to snap back like a rubber band? Or am I really having a psychic premonition of being fired? 

When we got off the phone, she said, "Go get some ice cream." I went and got coffee and a cinnamon roll. The cinnamon roll wasn't very good. It's not a great bakery. But the coffee was perfect.

[mylolita]

14 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I woke up this morning from a dream, where someone was saying, "Yeah, they're all losing their jobs." And I thought, Of course...that explains everything that's been happening!  

Suddenly I was wide awake, thinking I was going to get fired.

I couldn't shake the feeling all morning. It was so intense. It was like a trap. Every thought pointed to me getting fired, even good thoughts bent into bad thoughts. I realized I was probably having a panic attack, but unfortunately that knowledge didn't make it stop.

I felt despondent, weak, insubstantial, like it was all over for me, nothing mattered. I didn't feel this way yesterday and I desperately wanted to believe it was anxiety and misunderstanding on my part. But I didn't believe that. I believed I was going to be fired. I couldn't concentrate on my tasks. I felt like like there was no point, it's hopeless, etc. I just wanted to go home, curl up in bed, and pull the covers up over my head. 

At around 10AM, I finally called my coworker, Pei. We work together on a lot of projects. She is a good person, a mentor, and I trust her. I told her about the anxiety I was having--I gave her some concrete reasons for it. For example, one of our coworkers was fired two weeks ago. Our company is turning down work so that it can restructure. I don't have as many projects as I once did...

Pei was soooooo fricking reassuring. I sat there listening to her, wishing I had a tape recorder. She ran through my strengths and my contributions, and she made me feel how valued I was. She said, "Everyone only has good things to say about you," and I realized that I believed her. 

I was feeling so good yesterday, like things were finally coming together. I am working for a great company with an awesome team. I'm starting to become LESS anxious, LESS scattered, I'm finally ready to buckle down and trust myself to complete my tasks. Could it be that? The RELEASE of years of anxiety and frustration trying to snap back like a rubber band? Or am I really having a psychic premonition of being fired? 

When we got off the phone, she said, "Go get some ice cream." I went and got coffee and a cinnamon roll. The cinnamon roll wasn't very good. It's not a great bakery. But the coffee was perfect.

Jib, 

 

Even if they did fire you, I am sure you could walk into another job off the bat!

 

I can imagine you being so well liked and efficient at the office! 
 

Glad you got a good cup of coffee ☕️ As @diasonce said to me, coffee is a hug, in a mug!

 

x

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

Even if they did fire you, I am sure you could walk into another job off the bat!

My boyfriend feels the same way. I've always been a hustler. I know it. I just don't feel it when that anxiety kicks in. 

Anxiety is such an ugly feeling. Last night, it tried to creep up on me again at bedtime. I remembered something I heard early in the day, that it's a mix of adrenaline and cortisol. I felt my heart beating and I imagined the cortisol being pumped through my veins. I thought, My blood is pumping nutrients, not cortisol! That actually made me feel better! When the anxiety attempted to reemerge a little while later, I countered with, Blood is for nutrients!! And that was it! All gone. 

Now, I don't know how well that would work in the face of a real crisis, but it was great for that nebulous, free-floating kind of anxiety.

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

I can imagine you being so well liked and efficient at the office! 

I am efficient, but I am not always well-liked! Let's just say I'm no politician lol. I do tend to make friends, though, and I have developed a pretty good professional network.

[mylolita]

4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

My boyfriend feels the same way. I've always been a hustler. I know it. I just don't feel it when that anxiety kicks in. 

Anxiety is such an ugly feeling. Last night, it tried to creep up on me again at bedtime. I remembered something I heard early in the day, that it's a mix of adrenaline and cortisol. I felt my heart beating and I imagined the cortisol being pumped through my veins. I thought, My blood is pumping nutrients, not cortisol! That actually made me feel better! When the anxiety attempted to reemerge a little while later, I countered with, Blood is for nutrients!! And that was it! All gone. 

Now, I don't know how well that would work in the face of a real crisis, but it was great for that nebulous, free-floating kind of anxiety.

I am efficient, but I am not always well-liked! Let's just say I'm no politician lol. I do tend to make friends, though, and I have developed a pretty good professional network.

This sounds like a really cool technique Jib! 
 

And I do agree with your boyfriend! I just feel like, if it did happen (sure it won’t but!) you’d be absolutely fine! These things can even be strange blessings in disguise.

 

Every time my husband has had what he perceives to be a bad, detrimental business shake up, in the end, it’s worked out for the better! It’s funny how things work out. I remember at one point it felt like the end of the world, almost game over! But the year after that business blip he had his highest turnover then kept on rolling!

Well…! A quote I don’t really remember comes to mind! Something like, “I never suffered the insult of popularity” 😉

 

What has massively helped me Jib is watching the most corny old school bond movie with Roger Moore… one of the escape ski alp scenes has honestly had me in stitches. I was nearly wetting myself laughing, I got the giggles big time 🥲 just took me out of myself. Maybe you tend to live in your head a little like me? It can be rough. 
 

I am seeing I need plenty of things that remove me out of that. If I end up doing it successfully I’ll let you know - HA! 
 

Always rooting for you! 
 

x

[dias]

17 hours ago, mylolita said:

Glad you got a good cup of coffee ☕️ As @diasonce said to me, coffee is a hug, in a mug!

Ooooo you remember!

You are the queen of my heart!

[mylolita]

1 minute ago, dias said:

Ooooo you remember!

You are the queen of heart!

I never forget 😉

 

x

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, mylolita said:

These things can even be strange blessings in disguise.

Indeed! I often marvel about it with my boyfriend.

[mylolita]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Indeed! I often marvel about it with my boyfriend.

You’re a tough cookie Jib. Whatever happens, you’ll brush it off and roll with the punches.

 

If you were in the UK I would say do you do private individual houses but the job I imagine wouldn’t be big enough for you or long term enough 🤣 We are having the third floor ceiling vaulted and removing the loft floor - adding large sky lights, adding a balcony on the front side of the house, top floor. The architect and structural engineer have said we don’t need… something or other… you’ll know 🥲🤣 the floor isn’t being held up by the roof or something like that. So we can do it 🤪 

 

I bet you can have some real creative fun in your line of work though!

 

x

 

 

[dias]

9 minutes ago, mylolita said:

adding a balcony on the front side of the house, top floor.

Can you do that? I know in the UK the houses need to follow a certain "pattern" if I am not mistaken so exterior alterations are usually not allowed unless you have a big detached house? Am I wrong?

I am still baffled how things work in the UK. Can you build a house from scratch? Like  buy the land and build a house. Because I haven't seen individuals building houses from scratch. Usually there are real estate companies which build the houses I think????

Also, I've heard you can't make exterior changes in some houses, like not even placing double glazing windows in some cases.  

 

 

[mylolita]

22 minutes ago, dias said:

Can you do that? I know in the UK the houses need to follow a certain "pattern" if I am not mistaken so exterior alterations are usually not allowed unless you have a big detached house? Am I wrong?

I am still baffled how things work in the UK. Can you build a house from scratch? Like  buy the land and build a house. Because I haven't seen individuals building houses from scratch. Usually there are real estate companies which build the houses I think????

Also, I've heard you can't make exterior changes in some houses, like not even placing double glazing windows in some cases.  

 

 

Hey Dias!

 

No UK buildings law and regulations expert here! Our house is in a conservation area - we have to apply to the council to make changes. We also have to ask legal permission from both neighbours at our side because where we are taking out and securing with the vaulted ceiling will cause slight alteration to those boundary walls.

 

Our previous property was Georgian and grade 2 listed which meant it was absolutely highly protected and we had a planning officer around the place most of the time. The plaster was lime plaster. We even had to repeat the same materials, methods. I value that though as annoying as it was because I agree with maintaining original features in period properties and streets. 
 

Yes, no double glazing or doors - I URRRGHHHH soooo dislike plastic windows and doors! We are having all our windows replaced to wooden sash but putting double glazing in to retain some warmth, be more economic, safe even for the kids. Old glass is very thin.

 

And of course you can build your own house! Has to (as far as I know, layman here!) adhere to the basic building rules and be signed off but we know, God, about 7 people who have built their own houses! Three were ultra modern eco self sufficient houses. Some looked like they should be featured on Grand Designs!

 

I love old buildings too much to ever want to build new. I’m romantic like that! So is the husband. They just, built them better then. The quality of materials and workmanship blows your mind when you get into it with a truly old; and grand house. You can see why they have stood for 280 years and will last another 200. 
 

The balcony I mean is a little quirkier and more complicated than what you might be thinking… you can get almost fold out balconies - you have a vast row of sky light/dormer windows and they are metal framed and they actually unhinge out and can be put back into regular sky light when you don’t want to step out.

 

Jib will know what I mean! I can’t say it very well 🤣

 

x

 

 

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

Jib will know what I mean! I can’t say it very well

I actually don't! Can you post a picture?

[Jibralta]

Johnny Depp must have some really powerful divorce lawyers and public relations people. Every single time I access Youtube, there's a video front and center about his stupid trial with Amber Heard. It doesn't matter if I'm logged in as me, if I'm using my boyfriend's youtube account, if I'm accessing through work (I don't use their computer for personal purposes), or if I'm on an incognito browser. It's as bad as network news. Someone take away his giant megaphone. Jesus.

 

 

[dias]

11 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Johnny Depp must have some really powerful divorce lawyers and public relations people. Every single time I access Youtube, there's a video front and center about his stupid trial with Amber Heard. It doesn't matter if I'm logged in as me, if I'm using my boyfriend's youtube account, if I'm accessing through work (I don't use their computer for personal purposes), or if I'm on an incognito browser. It's as bad as network news. Someone take away his giant megaphone. Jesus.

 

 

He is monetizing the trial, he has attorneys to pay. He knows how to make money lol

[Jibralta]

4 minutes ago, dias said:

He is monetizing the trial, he has attorneys to pay. He knows how to make money lol

He has become a very annoying person.