Lover soon to marry

[Lostinlove99]

I started a new job around 9 months ago. Around a month in a colleague asked if I’d be interested in a fling. I was very reluctant as I knew I liked this person already, but agreed. Instantly we hit it off and things progressed. Unfortunately that person is due to get married soon, but we both agree that we have fallen madly in love.

The problem is that person feels trapped, they have very few close friends and family and have built their life around their future partner. They feel they have to go through with the marriage as it is now so close. The partner is very controlling but in a very clever way and the partners family is unbelievably interfering and it is another reason why they cant get out of the relationship. The person also suffers badly with anxiety.

They don’t love their partner, aren’t attracted to them and avoid spending any time with them wherever possible. I got them to speak to the only 2 family members they have and both said that the wedding should not go ahead, but they don’t really seem to have listened.

The person wont just tell me they are getting married and this needs to stop and the way they speak sounds like a huge cry for help. I have always stood by the fact that it has to be their decision to walk away and not a result of me interfering and have always done everything in my power to make sure they don’t get caught, however the wedding is looming and they are still making comments that make me wonder. If they told me they want to get married and for me to walk away I would, but they have not ever been able to tell me that despite me asking.

I am madly in love with this person and have supported them in every walk of their life as much as I have been able to. They have told me that if it wasn’t so close it would be different, but the thought of being trapped and letting people down, makes them too anxious to leave.

It’s starting to make me quite sick. I am hardly eating or sleeping and just feel so down all of the time. If this person gets married I am likely going to have to leave the job, as seeing them newlywed with loads of congratulations and stories to tell will just break my heart.

They say one day in the future they hope they are strong enough to walk away so we can be together. But honestly once they are married that isn't going to happen.

Do I step in now and help them out of this by planting the seed with their partner or do I just let them get on with it and potentially ruin their life because they weren’t strong enough to walk away?

[J Miracle]

Neither of you can really trust each other because what you've engaged in is inherently dishonest/lacks integrity.

 

I would never interfere with this persons relationship. This person probably paints a whole different picture for their fiance every night. Which story is the truth?

 

You may think you know this person in some special way because said person has manipulated you for sex, but acting on this persons careless whispers and sweet nothing's is naive. Sounds like this person is playing both you and the fiance.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Do you still work together? Are people from work invited to the wedding? Is it a same sex-relationship? It's only been a month of this fling so it may be best to cut your losses.

 

Is it an arranged marriage? No one has to "go through with a marriage". It sounds like 'they' are being just as deceptive to you as 'they' are to 'their' fiance, to string you along. Most of what 'they' tell you is hearsay and quite typical of affairs (partner doesn't understand me but have to stay anyway, etc.)

 

Unfortunately it's on you to walk away not on 'them' to tell you to.

Around a month in a colleague asked if I’d be interested in a fling. have built their life around their future partner. They feel they have to go through with the marriage as it is now so close. If they told me they want to get married and for me to walk away I would, but they have not ever been able to tell me that despite me asking.

[Seraphim]

People who lack integrity are a waste of time.

[Hollyj]

this guy has you fooled! Classic cheater lines. He knows all the right stuff to keep you hooked, and so you will continue to be his side piece for years to come. You can't really be that foolish!

 

He does not love you. If he did, he would be with you. Stop making all of these ridiculous excuses, and think about his poor girlfriend. He is no prize.

[Clio]

This person is in no position to have a healthy relationship and neither are you. This person lacks healthy (or any, for that matter) boundaries and integrity. Even if you were to get together, you are having a preview of what would happen should your relationship hit a rough patch; they would lie, cheat, get other people to do their dirty work and be passive-aggressive all around. If you think that they would treat you any better, you are delusional.

 

You are tempted to interfere drastically into this person's life, the same way his future relatives are; how/why is this any better? Can't you see the unhealthy pattern, with this person being the common denominator? This person is so immature that they put others in charge of their life and blame them for it afterwards. Life is hard as it is without having to pull another person's weight on top of it.

 

You should seek therapy to address your tendency to resume such an unhealthy parental role in a romantic relationship and whatever self-esteem issues might have led you to enter a situation where you knew that the other person was attached/ you are having to compete/ you come second to other people. What you are feeling is not real love. Chances are that you are repeating some unhealthy pattern related to your past/childhood.

[abitbroken]

You need to separate yourself from this situation immediately.

Stop having sex.

Stop seeing him outside of work.

Stop taking his phone calls.

 

After all those steps are complete - who cares what they decide - whether they marry or don't marry.

You need to get out of this dishonest arrangement.

 

Also, i would consider coming clean to their spouse to be to let them know of the cheating so they don't walk blindly into a sham marriage.

 

I agree - it is a cheater's schtick to convince you their fiance/fiancee is controlling and completely awful. They actually could be a lovely person and they are lying. And do you really think they talked to TWO family members about this? The family members could have said not to go through the marriage because your fling partner is a cheater. Who knows.

[boltnrun]

Typical blah blah blah lines of a cheater.

 

Unless a gun is being held to one's head, no one is "trapped" with someone else. This person is CHOOSING to get married.

 

I've seen weddings called off all the time. No one died.

 

Being involved with this person is making you miserable. See my signature line; this person does not make you feel better, they are the SOURCE of your pain. The only way to make the pain stop is to break away.

[Jibralta]

Yup, typical woe-is-me crap from a cheater.

[Careerchoice]

this guy has you fooled! Classic cheater lines. He knows all the right stuff to keep you hooked, and so you will continue to be his side piece for years to come. You can't really be that foolish!

 

He does not love you. If he did, he would be with you. Stop making all of these ridiculous excuses, and think about his poor girlfriend. He is no prize.

 

How do you know it's a guy?

[boltnrun]

How do you know it's a guy?

 

Yeah, I too got the impression it's a same-sex affair.

 

My advice still stands, though...typical cheater, see it every day. And no happy ending for the OP.

[Jibralta]

Yeah, I too got the impression it's a same-sex affair.

 

We don't even know what sex the OP is, do we?

[Careerchoice]

We don't even know what sex the OP is, do we?

 

We do not.

[Lostinlove99]

Neither of you can really trust each other because what you've engaged in is inherently dishonest/lacks integrity.

 

I would never interfere with this persons relationship. This person probably paints a whole different picture for their fiance every night. Which story is the truth?

 

You may think you know this person in some special way because said person has manipulated you for sex, but acting on this persons careless whispers and sweet nothing's is naive. Sounds like this person is playing both you and the fiance.

 

I know this sounds stupid, but I really believe what they are saying. I've seen it from the outside. They have tried to get out of the situation amicably by telling their partner they do not love them etc etc but their fiancé just turns everything around and makes it their fault.

This person is so self conscious that they do not want to be the reason for the break up so close to the wedding.

 

Sorry to hear this. Do you still work together? Are people from work invited to the wedding? Is it a same sex-relationship? It's only been a month of this fling so it may be best to cut your losses.

 

Is it an arranged marriage? No one has to "go through with a marriage". It sounds like 'they' are being just as deceptive to you as 'they' are to 'their' fiance, to string you along. Most of what 'they' tell you is hearsay and quite typical of affairs (partner doesn't understand me but have to stay anyway, etc.)

 

Unfortunately it's on you to walk away not on 'them' to tell you to.

 

Yes, we still work together.

It's been going on for 7-8 months.

It's not an arranged marriage and it's not same sex.

 

I just really don't know whether to interfere. Maybe partially for a selfish bitter reason, but also an obligation to their fiancé. I think I'd want to know, even if it was only a little seed planted so they could dig and find out in their own way.

[boltnrun]

Sorry, but trying to "interfere" will only backfire.

 

ALL cheaters say they desperately want to get out of their marriage/engagement but "can't". It's as old as time itself. If they wanted out they'd get out. Period. Even if it takes some time (such as divorce with children), but they would still be taking steps to end their marriage/engagement. If they don't, it's because they don't want to.

 

Sorry you got into this situation. Sadly, there will be no happy ending for you since this person seems to be determined to go through with the marriage.

[Unreasonable]

I don't have anything to add, other than I must congratulate you on an impressive avoidance of gender-specific pronouns. Would us knowing the sex make a difference?

[Wiseman2]

Sadly there is not much you can do but hear all about her wedding and all about her string along talk. What she's telling you makes no sense. She doesn't have a gun to her head, it's not an arranged marriage so she is willfully, voluntarily walking down the aisle to say her I dos. Is she bi?

 

You are hoping by telling her fiance that this will avert the wedding and she'll be all yours? That never works.

It's not an arranged marriage and it's not same sex. an obligation to their fiancé. I think I'd want to know

[HeartGoesOn]

My guess is that once the side dish goes, their future marriage will be fine and dandy, just as their relationship is currently.

[abitbroken]

I know this sounds stupid, but I really believe what they are saying. I've seen it from the outside. They have tried to get out of the situation amicably by telling their partner they do not love them etc etc but their fiancé just turns everything around and makes it their fault.

This person is so self conscious that they do not want to be the reason for the break up so close to the wedding.

 

 

 

Yes, we still work together.

It's been going on for 7-8 months.

It's not an arranged marriage and it's not same sex.

 

I just really don't know whether to interfere. Maybe partially for a selfish bitter reason, but also an obligation to their fiancé. I think I'd want to know, even if it was only a little seed planted so they could dig and find out in their own way.

 

Every cheater i have heard of is very good with the puppy dog tears and how bad their current relationship is particularly if they feel you pulling away. They like the booty calls too much.

 

Seriously, this is not about the validity of their relationship or their "story", its about who you want to be as a person and what moral character you would like to have. That whole "you can't control other people" thing? You need to take a stand and instead of patting their head and saying "there, there" about their "terrible relationship" and encouraging them to end it or get back together with their fiance while your legs are still open for them - everything will be status quo.

 

So have the strength to walk away from this - its not about them wanting to continue with you or their fiance, but about who you want to be as a person, you know?

 

Do you fear if you leave this person that your affair will be found out - they will be vindictive and it will be all over the office?

[shebrew]

I started a new job around 9 months ago. Around a month in a colleague asked if I’d be interested in a fling. I was very reluctant as I knew I liked this person already, but agreed. Instantly we hit it off and things progressed. Unfortunately that person is due to get married soon, but we both agree that we have fallen madly in love.

The problem is that person feels trapped, they have very few close friends and family and have built their life around their future partner. They feel they have to go through with the marriage as it is now so close. The partner is very controlling but in a very clever way and the partners family is unbelievably interfering and it is another reason why they cant get out of the relationship. The person also suffers badly with anxiety.

They don’t love their partner, aren’t attracted to them and avoid spending any time with them wherever possible. I got them to speak to the only 2 family members they have and both said that the wedding should not go ahead, but they don’t really seem to have listened.

The person wont just tell me they are getting married and this needs to stop and the way they speak sounds like a huge cry for help. I have always stood by the fact that it has to be their decision to walk away and not a result of me interfering and have always done everything in my power to make sure they don’t get caught, however the wedding is looming and they are still making comments that make me wonder. If they told me they want to get married and for me to walk away I would, but they have not ever been able to tell me that despite me asking.

I am madly in love with this person and have supported them in every walk of their life as much as I have been able to. They have told me that if it wasn’t so close it would be different, but the thought of being trapped and letting people down, makes them too anxious to leave.

It’s starting to make me quite sick. I am hardly eating or sleeping and just feel so down all of the time. If this person gets married I am likely going to have to leave the job, as seeing them newlywed with loads of congratulations and stories to tell will just break my heart.

They say one day in the future they hope they are strong enough to walk away so we can be together. But honestly once they are married that isn't going to happen.

Do I step in now and help them out of this by planting the seed with their partner or do I just let them get on with it and potentially ruin their life because they weren’t strong enough to walk away?

 

i have a friend in a similar situation, only their partner has been married for many years (supposedly wont get divorced because of the kids) 2 and 1/2 yrs into my friends relationship with said partner....hes told her so many things about his "loveless marriage" how much he hates to go home to her, but hey! he's still there...after plenty of opportunity to get divorced, he's still married.

 

now, she has also said "if he doesnt get divorced by such date i wont do this anymore" that date was 1 yr and 1/2 ago. this person will tell you everything you want to hear to keep you around. this person does not want to not go through with the wedding and expect you to still be there when they come back from their honeymoon.

 

if what it takes is to change jobs, do it then cause you will see yourself giving them baby gifts from "a co worker"