Friends of the opposite gender...

[Krankor]

One thing I've always struggled with internally in past relationships has been jealousy over opposite gender friendships. In other words, male friends of my girlfriend. When are they too close? Is it OK to hang out one on one? How much texting back and forth is too much?

 

My struggle has always been: if I object I feel like I'm being controlling. I mean, who am I to tell her who she can or can't be friends with? If I'm with her shouldn't I just trust her? Either she's a cheater or she isn't.

 

But then when I don't say something, I feel like I'm being a "cuck" in today's vernacular; just sitting back and saying nothing while something may be happening under my nose. Even if she isn't cheating, she should respect the relationship enough to avoid even the appearance of impropriety, and if I don't say anything I'm not sticking up for myself.

 

Now obviously, this is a two way street. I'm not so much looking for specific advice as much as just curious about other people's take on the subject.

[j.man]

I'm not so vehemently against the concept. I do concern myself with, as you put it, the image in impropriety as well as what kind of motivations a girlfriend of mine might have if she's knowingly engaging with a guy who's obviously (subjective, I know) interested in her, even if just for the attention and not any intention to actually cheat.

 

There were some pretty big boundary issues with my current lady when we first started. Those largely stemmed from both of us being uncertain of a real future for logistical reasons and us still being pretty new. Since then, we've found ourselves on the same page. She's pretty good friend with an ex of hers, though it comes down to a semi-weekly (maybe monthly... I don't know or really care) catch-up call, and having met the guy, I see him as zero threat whatsoever. She's also gone to happy hours with male co-workers, including one-on-one with a mentor-type she got along well with. If she's going to do one-on-one stuff, all I really ask is 1) she be honest with herself with whether the guy is signalling interest, 2) pay for herself, and 3) be sober. Sounds kinda restrictive but I'd like to think that leaves a whole lot of wiggle room. And I do like to take things on a case by case basis rather than stick to a cirriculum.

 

That all said, those are simply my boundaries,. A girlfriend of mine is free to take them or leave them, just as I am hers or her potential lack thereof. Stating what you're comfortable with and not comfortable with isn't what makes one controlling. It's the pushing to have the partner conform that is.

[nutbrownhare]

This is a real double-bind for you, isn't it?

 

My take on opposite-sex friendships etc in the context of a committed relationship is this:

 

- Finding other people attractive is inevitable, at least if you've got any vitality about you at all

- Having opposite-sex friends is crucial, too. I work on the basis that someone who doesn't like women as friends will eventually not like me either

- If my partner objected to any of my male friends, I'd be out of that relationship so fast you wouldn't see me for dust. I'm completely monogamous in relationships, and anyone who didn't get that clearly doesn't get me. And yes, that would be controlling.

- If my partner is completely open and up-front about friendships with females, and is happy for me to meet them, then I'd think no more of it than if it were one of his male friends - this would include txting and hanging out one on one

- A friendship would be "too close" if it impacted significantly on our relationship - e.g. he was sharing with a friend intimate details of our relationship, or he was unavailable to me - in either an emotional or a physical sense - because of his attachment to her

- I take a very reasonable attitude to infidelity, i.e. a carving knife through the heart. Oh OK, I'd probably just end the relationship. Without risking a prison sentence

 

I'd make the following observations about your post... it might be an idea to think about the following:

 

- Do you seriously think your girlfriend's cheating, or are you worried about other people thinking she might be? In other words, are you worried about her commitment to you, or your perceived public status in the eyes of others?

- What's more important to you - your relationship with her, or that other people perceive her as your possession?

- Are you very afraid of public humiliation, and a "friendship" that was secretly more than that could possibly lead to humiliation?

[Wiseman2]

The only thing that would bother me is if they started to talk about 'relationship issues'. That's where a slippery slope beings.

[melancholy123]

I'm female and prefer guy friends over girl friends, guys are just easier to talk to and I get along with them much better. My husband has never had any issue with guy friends of mine and I've never given him any reason to, either.

[Matt3939]

I'd look at yourself. Meaning I know for me if I'm in a relationship and happy. I don't even look at others in a serious way. I don't put myself in a bad situation. Though it's never happened anyway. I'd expect the person I'm with to do the same. I also state if I'm going to be exclusive with a person. I can accept alost anything. Cheating though I will leave no matter what. Never test that I've stuck by that. Luckally it's only happened once that I know of. One of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I give my partner a massive leash so to speak. I've even been called out on it. Just state how you really feel it's all you can do.

[Krankor]

I'd make the following observations about your post... it might be an idea to think about the following:

 

- Do you seriously think your girlfriend's cheating, or are you worried about other people thinking she might be? In other words, are you worried about her commitment to you, or your perceived public status in the eyes of others?

- What's more important to you - your relationship with her, or that other people perceive her as your possession?

- Are you very afraid of public humiliation, and a "friendship" that was secretly more than that could possibly lead to humiliation?

 

I definitely never see any woman as my possession.

 

I'll admit to a certain degree of concern over "public perception." Maybe it's an egotistical trait, but I don't like the idea of people who know someone is my girlfriend watching her interact with some other guy and thinking that I'm being made a fool of. But if I'm with someone who knows she may be sending the wrong message and doesn't care, I have to question her loyalty to me, at least to some degree.

 

I had a girlfriend who I met almost 10 years ago now who liked attention. She never cheated on me to my knowlege, but she would let other guys buy her drinks (why would I turn down a free drink? was her excuse) and she wouldn't shut down guys who were clearly hitting on her as quickly as she should have. She at times got herself into bad situations as a result that threatened our relationship. Now, that's different than having male friends, but it made me question her judgment around men in general.

 

My second-to-last girlfriend didn't cheat on me in our short time together and told me that she never cheated on anyone else in her life. But she has a very bubbly personality and has affected a certain ditzy persona that comes off as pretty flirty. The way she would interact with other men made me uncomfortable.

 

One time she was at job training. A male coworker was looking for a home around where she lived. She invited him to her house over the lunch break, offering him a grilled cheese sandwich so that he could look at her house and houses in the area. She told me that she thought she may have given him the wrong message based on his reaction but that she hadn't meant to. I gave her the benefit of the doubt but just asked that in the future that if she was going to invite people from work to her house for lunch that she ask more than one person.

 

I guess I'm not sure what exactly it was I thought would happen. It just made me uncomfortable in general.

[nutbrownhare]

I definitely never see any woman as my possession.

 

I'll admit to a certain degree of concern over "public perception." Maybe it's an egotistical trait, but I don't like the idea of people who know someone is my girlfriend watching her interact with some other guy and thinking that I'm being made a fool of. But if I'm with someone who knows she may be sending the wrong message and doesn't care, I have to question her loyalty to me, at least to some degree.

 

It's interesting that you assume they'd watch her interact with another guy and think you were being made a fool of....

 

Chances are, they don't think anything of it, if they notice it at all. But it IS an egotistical trait on your part and one which (a) causes you much unhappiness and (b) threatens otherwise good relationships. It is not your partner's responsibility to deal with it, either.

 

There will always be people around who will read 'the wrong message' into innocent scenarios. Some of them end up being arrested for stalking! This isn't about loyalty to you, it's about interacting with the world in general. If you don't trust someone, and have good reason not to, then end the relationship. In the scenario you describe about the guy with the sandwich, it was very clearly the guy in the wrong and not your girlfriend. Heck, if you were trying to seduce someone - would grilled cheese sandwiches feature in it?

 

There ARE cultures where women are regarded as 'asking for it' or are assumed to be responsible for the actions of men....

[Careerchoice]

It all depends how it's happening. Some guys are overly paranoid and accuse girls of things that didn't happen. Others put their head in the sand and pretend like nothing is wrong. Both of these are bad.

 

The best you can do is try to view the situation as objectively as possible, which comes mostly with experience. You may have a girl who is completely faithful to you. You may have one who is cheating/will cheat. You may have one who will try and use other guys to make you jealous. We can't know these things. You are in the best position to make that call based on the specifics of what you've seen.