Awake and thinking he got away with it

[Annia]

I love this post! It's something I've felt before. I hate leaving a break up not feeling in power, like he got the last jab or something lol. Its ridiculous but we were so used to getting the bad end of the stick during the relationship that we just wanted to win just once!!! Lol However, just let it go. Its not worth it at all. He's losing out on you, so in all reality, you are WINNING.

 

I never properly "won" or got the last jab in any of my past relationships. I used to be sad about it, but down the road I realised that it was best not to be with these people anyway and that was the most important thing. I hope I can eventually feel the same about this last guy... I still feel some anger even though at the end of the day he didn't do nothing wrong.

[IAmFCA]

We don't see justice but it happens. Believe it.

 

Everyone gets whats coming to them. Some even want the cr@p life they seek. I've two exes who have chosen lives that they describe as worse than mine and more comforfable for them. People are just different.

[boltnrun]

We "win" by no longer having to deal with the stress and anxiety and pain that comes with trying to be in a relationship with a dishonest or immoral person.

 

You already "won". You certainly did.

[Heart of gold]

Yes I did. It's taken me a while to get there but I think I'm nearly there!

[Whocares479]

We "win" by no longer having to deal with the stress and anxiety and pain that comes with trying to be in a relationship with a dishonest or immoral person.

 

You already "won". You certainly did.

 

I couldn't agree more! Atleast I know that I'm traveling to the end. If I would of stayed, I would of kept driving in circles.

[Heart of gold]

I couldn't agree more! Atleast I know that I'm traveling to the end. If I would of stayed, I would of kept driving in circles.

 

My sentiments exactly. I wanted it to work out so bad but just like you I was going around in circles. Now I am trying to see that actually I might get somewhere now! Here's hoping we find someone deserving of us and soon! I'm 29 and I feel so old! Wish I'd met a good man!

[Whocares479]

My sentiments exactly. I wanted it to work out so bad but just like you I was going around in circles. Now I am trying to see that actually I might get somewhere now! Here's hoping we find someone deserving of us and soon! I'm 29 and I feel so old! Wish I'd met a good man!

 

You still have plenty of time! We just have to be patient and he will come!!

[Ms Darcy]

You are so right Annia and I really pray he feels it. He's lost the best thing that ever happened to him but I just feel let down because I was always too good for him yet I put him in the driving seat for years and even now he probably thinks I can't live without him and I'l be back! I just want him to feel the pain and helplessness. Thanks so much for your support! 🌹

 

I suspect the best thing that's happened to him is his wife/child. Let's not get so caught up in anger that we forget his wife is the one who was cheated on and is married to a cheater. Just sayin.

 

I hope you continue with therapy.

 

I don't think it is wise to pray for someone suffering. Do you think maybe you have hurt someone in life and they prayed for the suffering you are going through now? Do you think what you are going through is right and just for the bad things you have done (as all humans have) in the past?

 

Peace within yourself. That is what I would advise you to seek.

[Heart of gold]

I suspect the best thing that's happened to him is his wife/child. Let's not get so caught up in anger that we forget his wife is the one who was cheated on and is married to a cheater. Just sayin.

 

I hope you continue with therapy.

 

I don't think it is wise to pray for someone suffering. Do you think maybe you have hurt someone in life and they prayed for the suffering you are going through now? Do you think what you are going through is right and just for the bad things you have done (as all humans have) in the past?.

 

No ones perfect bt I've never hurt anyone on that level nor do I believe in lying to people.

If the best thing that happened to him was his wife and child, he wouldn't have left them how he did and wouldn't get drunk to forget his lies. He exists only there and that's all he deserves.

I've never wished bad on anyone but this pathetic excuse of a man/boy knew everything about me and what Iv been through yet still continued to lie, even when I found out and confronted him, he said il leave everything I love you I want us.

It's not a marriage how a normal persons expects. She knows what he's like but a roof over her head and a child is enough. Whereas I would expect loyalty, trust, success, happiness and building together as a minimum.

[Ms Darcy]

If the best thing that happened to him was his wife and child, he wouldn't have left them how he did and wouldn't get drunk to forget his lies. He exists only there and that's all he deserves.

 

Hmm. By that same logic, if you were the best thing that happened to him, then he would be with you.

 

I'd suggest jumping out of the martyrdom pool.

[Heart of gold]

Hmm. By that same logic, if you were the best thing that happened to him, then he would be with you.

 

I'd suggest jumping out of the martyrdom pool.

 

No one is in a martyrdom pool. Whatever inner issues you've got, I'd save them for someone who cares.

 

If that was the best thing that happened to him, he wouldn't have begged me to stay with him and marry him. He wouldn't need to live a lie on both sides. I'm presuming he was aware she was pregnant for a while, at that point you would end anything else your leading on if it was the best thing to happen to you!

 

I would explain the story to you but not going to waste my time.

[Annia]

I can understand the pain in your ego and it hurts a lot but the thing is that it doesn't matter if you were the best thing in his life or if it was his child. Real love, care and all that could hit this man with a truck and he'd never get it. This is simply a very damaged man who can't be a honourable faithful man. However, as much as it hurts and I know it does, it's not your business anymore. He's already living hell by being how he is and it is not your business anymore if he suffers or not. The more you are concerned about his suffering or retribution to his deeds the more you're stuck on this and unable to move on. While we're concerned about other's peoples lives we're not living ours. And I know this because I've done the same. It only makes you miserable. Let them be.

 

I know anger and resentment can trap us for a long time. It's a good thing that you're on therapy and maybe doing something to release your anger like an intense sport or even kick boxing or something could help you.

[Heart of gold]

I can understand the pain in your ego and it hurts a lot but the thing is that it doesn't matter if you were the best thing in his life or if it was his child. Real love, care and all that could hit this man with a truck and he'd never get it. This is simply a very damaged man who can't be a honourable faithful man. However, as much as it hurts and I know it does, it's not your business anymore. He's already living hell by being how he is and it is not your business anymore if he suffers or not. The more you are concerned about his suffering or retribution to his deeds the more you're stuck on this and unable to move on. While we're concerned about other's peoples lives we're not living ours. And I know this because I've done the same. It only makes you miserable. Let them be.

 

I know anger and resentment can trap us for a long time. It's a good thing that you're on therapy and maybe doing something to release your anger like an intense sport or even kick boxing or something could help you.

 

I'm not going to therapy I went to one session and then I realised that the change can only come from within me.

Definitely do need something to release my anger, but have noticed it is getting less and less. Today the same thoughts in my head when I woke up unfortunately.

 

But like I always say, happy people don't need to lie or cheat or get drunk so how happy can he be?!

[Annia]

I'm not going to therapy I went to one session and then I realised that the change can only come from within me.

Definitely do need something to release my anger, but have noticed it is getting less and less. Today the same thoughts in my head when I woke up unfortunately.

 

But like I always say, happy people don't need to lie or cheat or get drunk so how happy can he be?!

 

Hurt people hurt people.

 

And if they're just psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists they could never love fully and live without the burden of a mask.

[Annia]

Doesn't this forum have the spoiler option? I wanted to post here some stuff but because it's too big I wanted to put it on spoilers so it doesn't take so much space lol

 

Wall of text and rambling full of spelling mistakes coming. Read at your own risk lol

 

 

totally sympathise and feel your pain. I also have trouble letting go of people and have also felt that people have done things that hurt me and were unfair. I'm also learning the art of letting go. However I have two past stories that taught me a lot when it comes to forgiveness.

 

Story 1:

 

I was in an abusive relationship when I was 16 until my 19s. I am almost sure this person was a sociopath or something like that. He broke me physically, mentally and financially. He had a double life (he wasn't married but basically almost everything he told me about his life was a lie and he even forged evidence) I became a shadow of my old self. Even after I broke up with him he continued to haunt me and trying to hurt me for a long time until I finally went to the police. When the police finally called me to set the case going he had already left me alone and I was in an happy relationship (very slow justice where I live) so I ended up calling it quits. He never apologized and even blamed me for everything.

 

At the time I felt that I should've kept going with the case in court and I knew that he was going to hurt more people after me and for some time I felt that I should've done something to stop him at least from hurting other people. From friends in common I knew he was living apparently happy with another girl with whom he cheated on me. It seemed that he got free consequences free. Many years later I learn that he was arrested and bankrupted and even had other pending cases against him.

 

You might think I was happy to know his life was totally ruined. I wasn't. It was indifferent to me but at the same time sad. I was at a place of my life where I wished he had "healed" himself even though this man was plain evil to me at the time. I was happy of course that the other people that he hurt got their justice and that he was prevented from hurting more people, but I didn't felt the retribution relief or the satisfaction of learning he became totally ruined. I had moved on and forgiven long ago.

 

Story 2

 

I was in a relationship with someone I really cared about. One day out of the blue he broke up with me by text and never even answered my call to talk, never talked it over with me, never really explained me why he was breaking up with me and after my begging and pleading to talk and an explanation (yes, I broke NC and all the rules) he blocked me and deleted. I'm ashamed to say that I "followed" him by other means anyway (don't do this... I was a psycho stalker at the time and I'm very ashamed of this). I learned that two days after we broke up he was in a relationship with another woman. I also learned that soon after he moved in with her, married and they ended up having a child. I was heartbroken and wanted an apologize, a validation that I meant anything to him or that he actually felt for me what he said he felt. That never came. One day I got tired of waiting bitter and hurt on the sidelines while he was happy living his life with whom was apparently the love of his life and without a care in the world about me.

 

I realized that: I had zero impact or influence in his life, he didn't care, he had fully moved on. It hit me that I lost so much time feeling heartbroken and bitter. It hit me that there was nothing I could do about it. He'd never "pay" like I wished, he would never apologize, he would never admit or recognize that he didn't act right. It was simply a waste of time and I needed to forgive and let go. So I did so for real and today I wish him well. I don't need him to validate the hurt he caused me. He doesn't have to know this because I never talked to him again nor he attempted to talk to me again.

 

Moral of the story and concluding remarks:

 

- Regardless of your pain or what people do to you weather you want it or not life goes on. The perpetrator's life will go on and most of the times you'll never get the apologize, the recognition of your hurt or the "karmic" retribution of watching them pay for what they done. That's why your life has to go on. The only thing you can control is yourself and how you cope... everything else is out of the realm of your control. "How others treat me is their path; how I react is mine"

 

- Some people will break us in pieces and leave us to pick them up all again build ourselves up alone. They will shatter our expectations and never come back to help us deal with it. That's life and the only way is accept it.

 

- Forgiving sometimes is automatic and other times takes time. It's a process and sometimes you have to feel anger and calm down many times until you're tired of hurting in your anger and accept it

 

- Forgiving is simply accepting it happen and letting it go. It's not about saying what the other person did was right and condoning it. It's just a matter of accepting and reacting to that moving forward. It's learning with it.

 

- The same way you're in the therapy couch because of someone, probably somewhere there's someone on the therapy couch because of you (metaphorically or even for real)

 

- I don't believe in the mainstream concept of karma. I don't think specifically bad things happen to the ones who hurt us. In my experience if someone hurt us one of the following happens:

 

a) If they have a conscience: they feel guilty at the time. Some apologize and others simply don't have the guts for that. Some people take their guilt with them through life, others forget about it and move on and others end up forgiving themselves. Many people simply don't care and move on even if they feel a certain discomfort at the time for hurting someone. Most of the times you'll never know.

 

a) If they don't have a conscience/empathy (psychopaths, malignant narcissists, sociopaths): they simply don't care. You can't reason with them. The apologize, admission or sadness for them will never come. They'll move on to the next one. However their condition doesn't allow them to fully love and connect with another human being and they must carry a mask all the time with everyone. That doesn't seem a happy life for me.

 

So for me karma is just the guilt you feel or the consequences of being unable to feel guilt. There's no divine retribution of events. But usually hurt or mean people will get some consequences if their reckless or if they cross paths with someone like them or worse. But we can't control it. In addition, being "good" to others is not about expecting a karmic reward or karmic/religious heaven points, but about doing it without the expectation of nothing in return.

 

You will have many relapses, many feelings of unfairness and you will cry some more. But it's cliché I know, but this too shall pass. It always does... even if the rollercoaster is just too much.

 

“Now, you are going to forgive others by knowing that whatever anyone did to you had nothing to do with you. The words and actions that hurt you are merely a reaction to the demons in that person’s own mind. Once you have this awareness and you do not take it personally, compassion and understanding will lead you to forgiveness"

 

[Ms Darcy]

I'm not going to therapy I went to one session and then I realised that the change can only come from within me.

Definitely do need something to release my anger, but have noticed it is getting less and less. Today the same thoughts in my head when I woke up unfortunately.

 

But like I always say, happy people don't need to lie or cheat or get drunk so how happy can he be?!

 

I think your story is clear. I would strongly suggest you go back to therapy, whether that therapist or another, to help you work through your negative emotions.

[Knight2001]

hi,

sorry to hear ou are suffering. you need to stop all contact with this man. did you say you'd have him back ? why on earth would you. you can do better.

try to stop being angry, the only person your anger is effecting is yourself. you need to calm down and live your life for yourself.

you're only 29, you have your whole life in front of you, make something of it instead of waiting for this sorry excuse.

be happy and good luck.x

[Heart of gold]

hi,

sorry to hear ou are suffering. you need to stop all contact with this man. did you say you'd have him back ? why on earth would you. you can do better.

try to stop being angry, the only person your anger is effecting is yourself. you need to calm down and live your life for yourself.

you're only 29, you have your whole life in front of you, make something of it instead of waiting for this sorry excuse.

be happy and good luck.x

 

Thank you for your kind words. I most definitely don't want him back-too many lies and too much baggage..the anger is starting to lessen but does consume me at times along with the usual 'why me' 'is he happy' questions lol.

I changed my number and apart from once, he hasn't made any effort of any sort. Which I would have liked so I could tell him where to go. When I broke NC last week, he still insisted we could make this work but I did say not if you were the last man on earth.

Just hope I find happiness and hope that day comes when I'm indifferent to him and his levels of happiness!