Awake and thinking he got away with it

[Heart of gold]

The reason, I keep stressing this is because I've gone through something similar. This guy played me like a fool, I over think it to the point where all my friends and family stayed away from me. Then my dear friend straight up and told me. I need to stop obsessing over it, I have to let it go, it's not healthy and it's not getting me anywhere. I then practice, saying "stop" every time that thought went in my head. With the help of a therapist, I eventually let go. I could say, it felt so good. I know you could do it too.

 

Sorry to hear you went through the something similar. I truly hope I can move forward quickly and successfully. Are there any other tips you could give me to stop overthinking things?

[jujusamples]

Sorry to hear you went through the something similar. I truly hope I can move forward quickly and successfully. Are there any other tips you could give me to stop overthinking things?

 

I did get past it, but with a lot of therapy. I wasn't allowed to talk to my friends or family about it anymore so I just had to force myself to stop. Just think of the horrible things he has done, is it worth anymore of your time?

 

You know you can do better, I believe you can do a lot better, why get stuck in this?

 

Just keep reminding yourself, the issue is with him, not you!

[Annia]

Rainy coast and Annia thank you for your kind words and support I really appreciate u. I hope he does suffer but something tells me he's too twisted to suffer otherwise he would have learn something by now! He's selfish and self centred.

@ juju I did go for an initial therapy session yesterday and I realised the strength has to come from within me nowhere else. It is helping me by posting on here because it stops me from texting and venting at him!

 

I know it's hard and seems unfair, but soon you'll realize that your healing is your main priority and that his life and marriage is his own business. If it serves as a consolation, I don't think that anyone living in a web of lies and deceit can be happy. The struggle, the mental effort and all the energy one has to put on the web of lies is just too exhausting. His alcohol addiction also shows that this is a people releasing his pain on alcohol. I am almost sure that even being selfish and self centred he's not that well and happy now as you think he is. But even so while you're dwealing on the unfairness of it, life is passing by you and you're not free to receive better things in your life.

 

Let life take care of him. Let him drown in his own pool of lies and pain and make yourself a priority again. No, he didn't get away with it. He lost you because his lies failed. He's stuck in a family that he has to lie to. He has to cope with alcohol. It takes strength to let go and move on, but hold on and you'll make it.

[Heart of gold]

 

Let life take care of him. Let him drown in his own pool of lies and pain and make yourself a priority again. No, he didn't get away with it. He lost you because his lies failed. He's stuck in a family that he has to lie to. He has to cope with alcohol. It takes strength to let go and move on, but hold on and you'll make it.

 

You are so right Annia and I really pray he feels it. He's lost the best thing that ever happened to him but I just feel let down because I was always too good for him yet I put him in the driving seat for years and even now he probably thinks I can't live without him and I'l be back! I just want him to feel the pain and helplessness. Thanks so much for your support! 🌹

[Annia]

You are so right Annia and I really pray he feels it. He's lost the best thing that ever happened to him but I just feel let down because I was always too good for him yet I put him in the driving seat for years and even now he probably thinks I can't live without him and I'l be back! I just want him to feel the pain and helplessness. Thanks so much for your support! 🌹

 

Prove him wrong by not returning to him and by not getting wrapped up in his toxicity even if you're not going back to him.

 

There are going to be other times where you'll feel angry and sad, but like everything it too shall pass and now you had your weaknesses exposed to you so you can heal them and go to the core of what really matters: why did you attract and stay in a relationship like this for so long and what was the need and lack that you were trying to fulfill with this dysfunctional relationship. I've learned by experience that most of the time it is not really about what a specific person did to us, but more about past wounds that we're trying to relief in destructive ways. There is usually something that lead us to these toxic relationships and patterns. Therapy can be of great help in this.

[Hollyj]

Sorry to hear you went through the something similar. I truly hope I can move forward quickly and successfully. Are there any other tips you could give me to stop overthinking things?

Have you blocked him?

 

To protect yourself in the future, you should review all of the red flags you ignored with this guy, so that you do not repeat with another: lies, unexplained absences, drinking problem and supporting him. You need to understand why you did not expect more for yourself. Therapy can help you understand what kept you in this dynamic.

[Heart of gold]

I come from a loving, secure family and haven't been in any relationships before him. Have been through a traumatic time but that happened while I was with him and I was accepting his disappearances before everything happened. I think because I really liked him for a long time before we started talking and because I connected with him so much initially, I really wanted it to work out!

He made lots of promises and when push came to shove and I'd give hm a deadline, he would eventually do whatever it was I expected e.g. Phone my dad, meet my parents, introduce me to his dad's other woman, who like I explained, is common knowledge and his dad flits between the two.

 

I always told him from day one that you lot are used to things like that. I come from a family where my dad loves my mum and only my mum so don't be getting any ideas. He was like of course not! But he obviously wanted a similar set up.

 

Keep the ex on one side so his family stay quiet. Then have an educated, well off, loving wife and life with me! He didn't deserve it! But I keep thinking why didn't he do more to make it happen? That's where it's hit my self esteem pretty hard!

[Heart of gold]

Have you blocked him?

 

To protect yourself in the future, you should review all of the red flags you ignored with this guy, so that you do not repeat with another: lies, unexplained absences, drinking problem and supporting him. You need to understand why you did not expect more for yourself. Therapy can help you understand what kept you in this dynamic.

 

I changed my number last week. I did text him from it when I pathetically broke NC a few days ago but I made out as though it's my friends number as I didn't want him to know Iv given him my number! Then when I phoned him I phoned witheld.

 

I just want him to feel what Iv felt but maybe he never loved me and never will feel what Iv felt in his absences!

 

But honestly when he used to swear on his mum, his sisters, on God that he's telling the truth. That he'd lost his phones etc etc I thought he wouldn't lie because I would always lose my temper quite severely!

 

I didn't know he had a drink problem until recently. I know that when Iv ended it in the past albeit for a short period of time, that he would drink but didn't realise he was regularly because he knew I wouldn't want that in a husband.

[Wiseman2]

Say to yourself: "She's the one who got the crap end of the stick. You're free and clear and she's stuck with this cheating creep". Repeat as needed.

he's with his wife and kid and I'm seething! How can I stop being so angry?

[Heart of gold]

Say to yourself: "She's the one who got the crap end of the stick. You're free and clear and she's stuck with this cheating creep". Repeat as needed.[/quote

 

She did and she has. Apparently she knew he is with me, even though I didn't know he was still married to her! But she said to his brother well at least whatever he's doing out, he does come home... Most days! They don't care what he does or whether he is on drugs or drinks, they only care that he's given her a child and a boy at that. some Asian people are still backward in that sense!!!

 

I KNOW I was too good for him. But like I said, the fact that he didn't do more to make it happen makes me doubt myself.

[Hollyj]

Why were you supporting this guy? And, for how long?

[RainyCoast]

how are you feeling today OP?

[Heart of gold]

how are you feeling today OP?

 

Hi RC how lovely of you to think about me and ask. Today, thank goodness, I woke up with no anger consuming me the moment I opened my eyes as it has done previously. Now I'm thinking let him be where he wants and do what he wants...so what! Lol

 

I still want him to regret it but I don't know if il ever see any evidence of that!

 

I'm giving myself things to do everyday and planning ahead so Iv got other things to look forward to!

How are you?

[RainyCoast]

oh that's great, i'm glad you woke up lighter. sometimes you just need to dump that stuff out of your brain to people who'll listen. keep talking all you need to.

 

i'm good, thank you had a nice Friday with clients and friends yesterday. uppity, fun people. it really helps. my clients are mentally ill, some developmentally impaired-- and what picks me up every single time is how joyful they are, and all it takes is them knowing we love them, we're by their side, and they're "at home" with us. isn't that always the answer? it takes so much courage to knock on a door and seek out another human. we are all scared, fearing the same injuries we've suffered before. and yet, we need to keep believing in empathic possibility-- and owe it to humans to offer it. it changes everything.

 

do you have friends, family, anyone you can count on now? ena has been a godsent for me when i was on my own.

[Heart of gold]

I have a loving family and friends but my family always said he was no good my mum said he was a liar when she met him for the second time but I chose to wait for him! So can't really go back and tell them that I found out what I did! And my friends have been great but they just got sick of me going on and on about him I think. No one ever said it but I just got the feeling. Plus only one of them knows the true extent of the situation. The rest just think he is planning to get married. They have listened but I think they just want me to move on now!.

It really helps on here because you feel and realise you are not the only one going through these situations!

[RainyCoast]

oh yup, you think you're just hopelessly messed up to have put up with something like that, but a fascinating number of people have worn that pair of shoes, and many others.

 

i know what you mean. i don't really involve my friends in my difficult times to a great extent. they are wonderful, but i have been the one to exhaust my self playing "therapist" to friends in the past, so i know it's draining. people love to help, but often it's aimed at visible results. your strife has an "expiration date", even if everyone says there's no timeline for it and to go at your own pace, if they keep hearing you go on about the same stuff the sympathy runs out. some do get you need to be "fixed" by anyone, just understood.

 

i do like to tell them briefly i've been thinking about doing something positive for myself (like exercise or whatever) and invite them along. that always gets a good reaction. at least when they know you're not planning on moping around forever they stop fearing every outing will be dampened by your pain.

[Heart of gold]

Yes indeed, we are planning a spa day for later in the week and Iv planned a few family events and work related activities. I just can't help thinking will he regret it? I'd love for him to come crawling back and I'd say no! Even though I know he would want me back just like that but he's never gone to any effort because Iv always been there! But that's just wishful thinking on my part!

[Annia]

I changed my number last week. I did text him from it when I pathetically broke NC a few days ago but I made out as though it's my friends number as I didn't want him to know Iv given him my number! Then when I phoned him I phoned witheld.

 

I just want him to feel what Iv felt but maybe he never loved me and never will feel what Iv felt in his absences!

 

But honestly when he used to swear on his mum, his sisters, on God that he's telling the truth. That he'd lost his phones etc etc I thought he wouldn't lie because I would always lose my temper quite severely!

 

I didn't know he had a drink problem until recently. I know that when Iv ended it in the past albeit for a short period of time, that he would drink but didn't realise he was regularly because he knew I wouldn't want that in a husband.

 

Everyone feels and processes things differently so probably he's never going to feel the same as you do and it's not your business or job to waste your precious time and energy with it. As I've said his life isn't a happy life either. Look at the mess and hell he lives in.

 

I'd tell him to stop contacting me (regain your power and dignity), delete and block his number, social media etc for good so that you don't feel the temptation of calling him again. I was never the type of person of journaling, but lately I started a journal and it has helped me to pour my feelings and telling the paper my anger, anxiety and sorrow is better than telling it to people that don't deserve my time or that are simply not available to listen to me.

 

And therapy, lots of therapy. It will help you let go of this cycle... of this constant reliving of everything in your mind that is causing you so much suffering. At this moment you're obsessively living in the "what he's done", "how he is now", "he shouldn't have done this"... and me being a person that has a tendency to think obsessively about things I can understand that it is very hurtful and it is a pattern that you really need to break. Because at this time you're stuck and your mind and body are stuck in this cycle and not in rebirthing after the death and mourning phase of this past relationship... it is only causing you pain and absorbing your energy. Be gentle with yourself but at the same time brutally honest with yourself.

 

And ultimately and it'll take work you need to forgive him and yourself for all of this. I was in an abusive relationship with a man that lied, cheated, took everything of me mentally, physically and even financially (yes, helped him with money too) and he also never apologized and even had the nerve to say when I left that I was the one who led him to lie and do the things he did to me. He even told me that it came from love and that his hurtful actions were to educate me when I did something wrong to him that hurt him. He also told me that if I really loved him I'd stay with him despite of the lies and things he did to me because that's what true love is and that I should know who he is besides the lies he told me that were just to please me because I was too demanding and so he had to fake everything to be the man I pressured him to be LOL. He told me that his double life was my fault. Like you I was devastated and unable to forgive myself and also thinking that he got away with abusing me mentally and physically and breaking me into pieces.

 

But one day it passes and you realize that anger and resentment no longer serves you and the best "revenge" you can have is totally break free regardless if they pay for it or not, live peacefully and true to yourself and move on. And that the best reward is not their suffering... is breaking free. And I can assure you, in the end I knew that he suffered consequences for bad things he had done to other people. Because believe me, you weren't and won't be his only victim and he will eventually get caught and put in his place.

 

You will come out of this alive and well.

 

Yes indeed, we are planning a spa day for later in the week and Iv planned a few family events and work related activities. I just can't help thinking will he regret it? I'd love for him to come crawling back and I'd say no! Even though I know he would want me back just like that but he's never gone to any effort because Iv always been there! But that's just wishful thinking on my part!

 

Don't expect this. He's probably annoyed because he lost a source of support and was caught. But don't expect him to apologize and crawl. It's time consuming and you'll probably be disappointed. That's just a projection you created to feel better but don't depend on it happening to heal.

[Heart of gold]

Thank you. I have started thinking that actually I found everything out and I left him so he didn't win. Even though he is probably telling his family and wife that he left me! But even his sister and brother said to me he is a waste of space and a liar. But he insisted his brother was jealous of us when I told him this. His family have little morals even though they believe they are right about everything so really I am better off out of it all.

But can't lie, really do wish he regrets lying. He is obviously not happy because happy people don't lie to keep people in their lives and don't drink themselves into oblivion. But I have to become indifferent and hopefully I will!

[RainyCoast]

oh he has plenty regrets. his idiocy cost him a good partner and an instant relationship he didn't even have to try for, and mostly, it cost him an ATM machine. they always really really slap their heads for being so st00pid as to lose free money.

[Heart of gold]

To be honest he hasn't taken money off me for over two years and did start giving me money here and there. But the rest, a relationship he didn't have to try for he's lost. A loyal, loving partner and a future full of promise rather than council houses and benefits and drink.

[Heart of gold]

You need to rethink your standards then because that is sick. If you read my initial post you would know what's going on! Maybe u need to work on self worth.

 

I guess if you feel unloved and you are with your partner to pass time, you wouldn't mind sharing him or any of his body parts. Probably the same mind set as my ex's wife. But a normal person would work for money and earn it honestly and respectfully. AND have a loving, monogamous relationship.

[Heart of gold]

Above post @ salty

[Whocares479]

I love this post! It's something I've felt before. I hate leaving a break up not feeling in power, like he got the last jab or something lol. Its ridiculous but we were so used to getting the bad end of the stick during the relationship that we just wanted to win just once!!! Lol However, just let it go. Its not worth it at all. He's losing out on you, so in all reality, you are WINNING.

[Heart of gold]

I'm starting to realise that. That if I'd stayed blinded by his lies, he would have won! But I found out and I left him yay lol..but still hurts that I spent all that time that I could have spent with the right person.