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How can she just forget me?


DannyCC

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My relationship with the most wonderful woman in the world ended two months ago. We got together over 10 years ago. We were both married at the time but each of us in very unhappy relationships. Although it was a physical relationship we both loved each other very much but did not consider leaving because of our children. We did plan to be together at some point. Her husband died a few years ago after illness and after a couple of years she really wanted me to leave my wife to be with her. I stalled for a long time both due my children , now getting older and also due to financial constraints. Nothing to do with my wife with whom I have a business only type relationship. I longed to be with this woman and have never been with any other woman intimately since meeting her. I know that we both loved each other and I got to spend time with her and her children over recent years (I won't explain how just now) and we were all so happy around each other. However she needed a permanent man in her life and told me she wanted to find someone if I wasn't able to be with her. It gutted me but she went on a few dates and I was hoping she wouldn't find the guy to replace me until I was able to be with her when I had a plan to sort out myself financially. Anyway what finally happened has broken my heart and mostly because I'm confused about what went on. She gave me a deadline to do something a couple of months ago which was fine because I knew I had to jump at some point. But then she told me that if I didn't meet the deadline that there was someone who she had been in touch with for some time who lived abroad and who was going to be visiting the following week and she planned to meet him. That was so counter productive as I felt putting pressure on me like that just added to my stress about splitting up my family which I knew I had to do for my happiness. I also felt that I could never do that to her. I never wanted anyone else and couldn't contemplate being with any other woman while I loved her. Anyway I didn't do anything by the deadline and soon after she blocked contact with me as she had said she would do. That annoyed me rather than talk to me where I would have clarified how I felt about the other chap she had mentioned. Anyway two weeks later I visited her wanting to know what was happening and found out she had met this chap from abroad once and really liked him and was planning to meet again a few days later. She seemed a bit taken up by him and tbh didn't seem interested in what my plans were any more. The rest is history. In the last couple of months i know already they have been away for weekends together and are sleeping together. I met her a couple of weeks ago and she told me it was over with her and I.

 

I accept a lot of the blame for what happened but I am broken hearted and gutted that she was sleeping with this chap when they can get together as he lives abroad and it's like I never existed. She broke up with me just over two months ago and I fear she is planning a future with this chap. I know she needs someone in her life not someone part time like I was. We were not just lovers however but soulmates as well for years going through many issues together. Two months ago she loved me as I did her but today with this chap around it's like I never existed. As I said the hardest part is how she can just wipe me from her mind without any grieving for me. Whereas for me it's worse than if she died as I also feel the loss of the love she had for me as well as her presence. I'm finding it hard to cope with.

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She already did her grieving for you, OP.

 

Dumpers (though I'm not using the term in the typical sense, in this case) already know they're leaving so they're generally detached enough to move on much more quickly. She gave you 10 years. She saw it wasn't going anywhere with you so she began emotionally moving on a while ago. She finally just got the nudge she needed to cut you off for good in the form of a man who is available.

 

You're saying you loved each other, but really, that love had limitations on it. It could not grow to its full potential. That naturally prevented her from giving you all her love. So while I am sure she wishes you well, she doesn't love you the same way you believe you love her. That ship sailed.

 

Honestly, she probably is thinking of planning a future with her new man. Why wouldn't she? You had to know that was likely in the cards. It was a long affair but it has reached its expiration date, so to speak. You now have some very tough truths to face: are you going to end your marriage anyway? Are you going to try to make it work? Does your wife know you cheat?

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You had to jump at some point and you never did in a whole DECADE. She always came last in your list of priorities. Love is a verb. You never acted on it. Had she not moved on you would continue to prioritize her last. You did not respect her boundaries and that killed her love. It was all on your terms up until that point. You went too far. Everyone has a breaking point. You reached hers. She grieved you and then she left. You are seeing the end result of her grief; Acceptance and moving on.

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You had to jump at some point and you never did in a whole DECADE. She always came last in your list of priorities. Love is a verb. You never acted on it. Had she not moved on you would continue to prioritize her last. You did not respect her boundaries and that killed her love. It was all on your terms up until that point. You went too far. Everyone has a breaking point. You reached hers. She grieved you and then she left. You are seeing the end result of her grief; Acceptance and moving on.

When it is an affair it isn't love for the other but love for oneself. The odds men leaving their marriage for the other is very unlikely to happen.

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I didn't have ten years. She did not want to leave her husband because of her children as I did and she respected that in me. It was only after her husband died that she wanted me to leave my wife and go to her. I wanted to be with her and she knew that and while I wanted things to be ok financially before going to her I had decided I was just going to jump and hope for the best. I was so close to doing it but she did frighten me by the talk of another guy just before the deadline she had given me. I know she loved me deeply till just before the breakup. The point I make is how can someone deeply in love with a partner just suddenly wipe them from their mind? Someone please tell me she will at some point miss me and what we had. Surely she doesn't at this stage even know this new guy very well or how he will match up to me in the future? I know it is easier with someone who is fully available and I understand that being a nice feeling for her but we were soulmates even through her husbands illness which to be fair was traumatic for her and she often used to tell me in tears that she misses him even though when he was fit and well he was quite abusive. I have never been abusive to her or to anyone in my life. Why does she not miss me ?

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At least she Can Plan a Future with him rather then be strung along and listen to the typical 'my kids, I'll be broke, etc.' married excuses. Since you won't make a decision regarding your marriage, you'll have to find a new mistress.

I stalled for a long time.She broke up with me just over two months ago and I fear she is planning a future with this chap.
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You refused to do what she asked by the deadline.

 

Did you think she was just so gosh darned crazy about you that you could continue as you were and she'd never leave?

 

Because if you thought that, you were very obviously wrong.

 

She didn't "forget" you, she gave up on you. She saw the writing on the wall...despite what you may have said, you never did leave your wife. She figured you wanted her to be your mistress forever and she'd had enough of being the woman on the side, no matter what pretty name ("soul mate") you tried to put on it.

 

She loved you for a long time. You didn't step up, you chose instead to "stall". And THAT is why she moved on.

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She does not miss you because she is focused on the new person. You may not have been abusive but at some point she wanted different things. People change. You two changed towards different directions. A break up changes things. She is no longer the person you remember. You need to let this go and focus on yourself. Her decisions are not about you anymore. That's what a break up does. It is also an opportunity for personal growth. It sounds like you need to reevaluate your life goals and think hard on what you want for your future. This is an opportunity to straighten up your life and start over. Divorcing would likely be a healthy first step...

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I've been in one marriage and two relationships and I never wanted anyone other than the woman I've lost

 

You were in two relationships while you are married with your wife. And you don't want anyone more than the other woman you 'lost' including your wife and the mother of your children.

 

I think being patronized isn't the best thing for you to be worrying about, here.

 

This sounds awfully familiar. Did you post about this a bit back under a different user name? I distinctly remember another thread recently about someone else cheating on his wife who was left by his partner in cheating, who attempted to justify his actions by saying that he had a 'business arrangement' with his wife, just as you write in your initial post.

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You may think your situation is unique but we see it here all the time. Different player but always the same old game.

 

You were cheating your wife, she was cheating on her husband so you both have no problem hurting the ones you once loved so why so surprised she dumped you for another guy so easily? Didn't she do the same thing to her husband? Didn't you do that to your wife?

 

You got dumped and she moved on quickly so go back to your wife and try to make it work or divorce her FINALLY so she can find a man that will not cheat on her for a decade and she can be in a loving honest relationship. Then you can one day meet someone as well.

 

If she was your soul mate and your true love you would have taken any hit to be with her but you didn't. Regret is what you are probably feeling more than anything right now. Be happy for her as she has what you could never give her.

 

Lost

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I'll take my chances and respond differently from the others.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I understand your pain all too well (without going into much detail). I think you can understand WHY she needs to try to move on-you are unable to give her what she needs right now.

 

What you're struggling with is HOW she is able to move on. It's as if she walked right out of a relationship with you into a new one without any time to grieve in between. You are left wondering if anything between you was in fact real at all...because as I know, it indeed FELT real. So real. You're left wondering HOW all that time and effort you both put into each other wasn't enough in the end. Why don't you have anything to show for it?

 

Well, the majority of the problem in your case is you did not meet the deadline. However, this is not a bad thing.

 

Like you, I was also given deadlines. So when you say it just added to the stress, you are completely correct. For me, a deadline made me retreat more inside myself than face my issues straight on. Placing that kind of pressure on me made it even more difficult to make a decision with my life.

 

In the end, no amount of begging and pleading from her, or no deadlines you two agreed on was going to get you to decide to leave your marriage. In the end, you need to do it for you because it is the right thing for YOU.

 

At this point, there is nothing you can do regarding your OW. In fact, your situation is set up exactly as it should be. She has chosen to move on (or at least FEEL like she is moving on) with her life. You are now able to make a decision about your marriage for YOU, not for her.

 

If you choose to stay, you will have a stronger chance of saving your marriage because you will no longer have the distraction of someone else in your life.

If you choose to leave, it will be because it is the right thing for YOU,not because of a deadline, or because you were given an ultimatum.

 

At the moment, you have no choice but to accept that it is over with your OW. She deserves to live her life and not wait for you any longer.

 

If and only if you decide to leave your wife can you contact her. She may have moved on completely by then, or maybe you will still have a chance. However, by that point, you may realize the two of you really weren't compatible and you may just start fresh.

 

But if not, this is the only way it will work.

 

Imagine you actually left your married life because of her deadline?

 

If that were me, I'd be afraid I'd hold resentment toward her any time we ran into any issues...

 

If anything is to ever happen with this woman, the two of you need to start the relationship off on the same playing field...

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Personally, how do you know she didn't have other men in her life, ones you simply don't know about. It was an affair, and now she's moved on.

 

Will she be happy with the new guy? Hard to say, relationships break-up all the time. Will she come back to you? Not sure. She might try too.

 

There is someone else out there for you. It's all about timing.

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Thank you for being understanding and not judgemental. I was and am still totally in love with this woman and while I wanted to be with her and have the wonderful life together that we could have had I believe I was being considerate to my children and trying to sort out our financial wellbeing before jumping. I thereby continued my unhappiness in my own marriage which I will shortly leave behind even if I am alone. While I acknowledge it was an affair it lasted quite a few years with very few opportunities for intimacy even though we are both quite passionate individuals and one reason I know that what we had was deeper than a normal sexual affair. I acknowledge also that she needed a permanent man in her life which I hoped to be for her so soon. But I was surprised how quickly she took to this new guy and seemed to forget me so quickly. I'm just hoping that that it is some type of fantasy relationship and that it won't last and that she will miss me again soon especially since this chap is so not her type. I know if she said to me tomorrow that she misses me I have made up my mind I would leave my marriage and go to her. But I fear I may not get that opportunity.

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Sorry wiseman you've lost me!!

 

I think what Wiseman might be saying, at least in your situation, is that for you to have had a successful relationship with this woman, you needed both the opportunity to be together as well as preparedness from both sides.

 

It seemed you had the opportunity, however you were just not prepared to make the jump (understandably so). It's all about timing.

 

And I can completely relate to trying to be considerate of your children in this mess. I was EXACTLY the same way. It was the biggest factor that held me back too-the guilt I carried with how my choices were going to effect them.

 

Of course a lot of people would argue staying in your marriage and making it work is what's in the best interest of the children, however that is not always the case. Sometimes you need to do things to make yourself happy as well.

 

This can take time to sort through...I get it. I was there too. It's a hard choice to make. You know what you need to do to be happy, but you feel guilty for being so selfish. It's not as easy as saying, "if you truly loved her you would have left your wife".

 

Not only that, but now someone else is involved in your decision process, making it even more difficult. You're literally caught between loving two lives-a possible life with your OW (in your case), and the dream of that "perfect family".

 

It honestly tears you apart.

 

But again, this is why having this space from your OW is the best for everyone right now. The decision you will eventually make will truly be for YOU.

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She was ready for a full time partner when her husband died, so she didn't just suddenly forget you, she's been planning for a while to find someone willing to be a committed full time partner.

 

Sorry cannot follow your logic here. She wasn't ready for a full time partner for a couple of years after her husband died as she was grieving and focussed on her children ( call it guilt or grief or whatever u like). But can't see how you can deduce what she was planning for a while as you say. Two months ago I know she would have been over the moon for me to say I had left my wife and was going to be with her. Are u saying she was lying to me that that's what she wanted me to do? Rather i think she is forcing herself to forget about me so she can move on.

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It looks like when you knew she wasn't going anywhere you were content to stay in your marriage but as soon as she took up with another guy you are willing to do anything to be with her. To her she sees it as you taking her for granted and you were never serious about getting a divorce.

 

I would imagine she has been dating other guys for a little while and it wasn't all that sudden as she probably knew deep down that you wouldn't get a divorce.

 

Lesson learned. Wish her happiness and sort our your own life.

 

I am always amazed how surprised cheaters are that things in their lives don't work out...

 

Lost

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