My ex got engaged 6 months after breakup

[Ophelia7]

My ex and I broke up after a 2 year relationship where we lived together and were very serious, I'm 23 and he was 28. He and his mom were very controlling of me and I couldn't live like that anymore so I left impulsively because I had finally reached my limit. This was the only time I had ever left him and I tried to have a conversation about it after in hopes of figuring it out, but he threw all my stuff in his garage and had his entire family over when he told me to get it so the bridge was burned and we haven't talked at all since.

 

The whole situation was devastating to me and I took it really hard. Now 6 months later he is engaged to a woman after dating long distance. I thought I was over it but finding out has been painful. I was just starting to feel normal again only to discover that he was capable of moving on so quickly and now serious enough with someone for marriage...

 

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this and is it normal to get engaged 6 months after a major breakup?

[Birdie]

Not normal...

 

But if he's a controlling person, it's not surprising. Truly controlling people will try to lock people in with them....which marriage will do.

 

But who knows. How did you find out he was engaged?

[charity]

You should be breathing a sigh of relief ...because this is further proof of his instability.

[Waraqqa]

I don't think you lost someone very valuable who could be great for you. As you say, he and his mum were very controlling. If the two of you would get married and few years down the road you'd anyway be unhappy and reach the limit, it would be even worse, cuz you'd be more attached and you'd have wasted a lot of time and be divorced. Secondly, if he moved on that quickly, maybe it wasn't so strong after all.

 

Not to dig in the past, but for the sake of understanding:

-- In what ways was he and his mum controlling?

-- How exactly did you break up with him, were there bad words or insults spoken, or you just up and left, or...?

 

An engagement six months later sounds quite soon to me. I'd probably take at least a month or two to lick my wounds before even a new relationship, but an engagement so soon does sound quick. However, I don't know his story and don't want to judge.

 

Keep in mind: you said you were just starting to feel normal again. It means, you were recovering. What threw you off is the news of his engagement, not anything in you internally. So, if he didn't get engaged, you would be feeling better and more recovered. Think about it. Why should your recovery depend on what happens in the life of someone who is no longer in your life? I know, it's hard and there's a touch of jealousy, but just think about it.

In general, think about You and not him.

 

The important thing is, taking the above into consideration - I don't think he was meant for you. And you are only 23, you have so much time to meet someone you are more compatible and happy with!!

[Ophelia7]

That makes sense because he was controlling and I felt very isolated when I was dating him. My sister saw it on Facebook, I didn't even know he was seeing anyone..

 

I also met his new fiance's Mom as she was a family friend of theirs that visited and she messaged me a few days after my ex got engaged to ask a random question unrelated to the engagement. Thought that was very odd as well considering no one in his family has talked to me since the breakup.

[Ophelia7]

--His mom was controlling of him and I think she feared I was a threat to that, we would have to go see her daily and I barely had time for my family or friends because his family took up all of our time. Also, when we would visit my family she would become passive aggressive. Lots of gossip.

 

--There weren't any bad words spoken in the breakup as I am a rather timid person, there was a situation with his mom not wanting me to leave her house to go study and afterwards he got upset at me for having a problem with it so I just said "I can't do this anymore" and left.

 

That is very helpful and insightful, thanks! You make a really good point that his life shouldn't affect mine.

[jujusamples]

That makes sense because he was controlling and I felt very isolated when I was dating him. My sister saw it on Facebook, I didn't even know he was seeing anyone..

 

I also met his new fiance's Mom as she was a family friend of theirs that visited and she messaged me a few days after my ex got engaged to ask a random question unrelated to the engagement. Thought that was very odd as well considering no one in his family has talked to me since the breakup.

 

Just considered yourself lucky! You dodged a bullet. Just stick to no contact and not think too much into it. The problem is not you, it's him. No, it's not ideal to get engaged only after 6 months of a breakup. Especially if it was a serious relationship.

 

I would spend this time to work on yourself. Stop focusing on him, focus on yourself. Hopefully you have learned from this experience and find someone whom isn't controlling. Not fun to be in a relationship with a controlling person and double not fun if his mother is also controlling.

[seanryder]

You should be throwing a party......he's now someone else's problem!

[nutbrownhare]

You should be throwing a party......he's now someone else's problem!

 

Yep, he and his controlling mother will be turning their attentions to someone who won't just be able to walk away (at least, if the wedding goes ahead). As Birdie said, really controlling people try to lock others down. It's not about depth of feeling; their need to control is far, far greater than their capacity to love.

 

Of course you'll grieve the relationship. There will be fond memories, hopes, dreams and a whole load of other stuff which you'll miss. Feel your pain and let it go; that's normal and healthy.

 

But remember, while you were with this guy you were denying yourself the opportunity to find someone with whom you could have a good relationship. And next time, you'll be able to spot the warning signs a mile off...

[Billie28]

You are in control of yourself.

Good on you for walking out of there with dignity intact!

 

You will go places girl!!

 

You might consider yourself timid and shy but deep down you are far from that. You are only 23. Stronger than I was at your age.

 

Don't concern yourself with his recent engagement. It won't work out anyway! Trust me!!!!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you were incompatible and didn't get along with his family. Hearing about an ex getting engaged usually stings. How did you find out about this?

 

It sounds like he was in touch with her for a while before the breakup. Is this an arranged marriage?

He and his mom were very controlling of me and I couldn't live like that anymore so I left impulsively because I had finally reached my limit. he threw all my stuff in his garage and had his entire family over when he told me to get it.

[ParisPaulette]

It's pretty normal when someone is controlling to race out and find someone new to control. This is why insta-relationshipping and pushing to fast track someone are such red flags. Everyone else takes their time to build something up and make sure it'll work, controlling people though can't afford that. They need the control now.

 

It just sounds like you ex has graduated to the "let's lock 'em into marriage fast before they can stick around do what my ex did, wise up and flee." If she leaves the next one will be on an even shorter leash, he may even graduate to trying to get her pregnant.

 

Nope, you dodged a serious bullet there. Get some counseling to find out why you stayed, what you left, give yourself lots and lots of space and time to come to your senses, because you will. Living with anyone who tries to control you is its own special hell, one that the longer you stay, the longer it is to get out. You sort of end up like those institutionalized career criminals, who can't function outside of a prison because that's all they know. They may long for freedom, but they have had the capacity to function in it completely beaten out of them.

 

Same thing in controlling relationships, so maybe recognize you just have to learn how to live without people controlling you again and push through until the psychological barriers of it all fade and you realize you really are free and shouldn't agree to that at all from the get-go.

[ShatteredMan]

Completely agree with ParisPaulette. I sure that it is painful to learn that your ex is going to tie the knot with someone else.

 

Have you considered the fact that maybe she doesn't know or choosing not to see his problems yet? I would guess that this marriage would be doomed from the beginning.

 

Any way, you need to start looking forward and not backward in this situation. Let this new girl deal with the control freak. You've learned your lesson. Now go find that man that is going to treat you with the respect that you deserve and will be everything that he wasn't.

[Ophelia7]

Your prison metaphor is so helpful, thank you! I agree, it is really painful but it was probably a blessing in disguise that I got out when I did.. The more I lived in the controlling environment, the more I was losing myself and codependence was starting to settle in.

[ShatteredMan]

But now you're free! Take the right steps forward toward healing yourself. Put this relationship "in a box and put it away somewhere" so that you can look at your life everyday in a new way.

 

I promise that each day will get brighter but YOU have to take the time and effort to rebuild yourself, establish a new vector toward a new future that YOU want and will attract positive events and people toward you.

[Ophelia7]

Strangely his fiancé's sister called me practically in tears and said she is trying to find peace in their engagement and wanted me to tell her if he had genuine/pure intentions... She said they got engaged 2 months from meeting and have a date picked and also believes that he proposed to her with the ring he bought for me. Also that their families had a big falling out and don't get along anymore (which is what happened to me).

 

I told her I didn't want to get involved but felt obligated to tell her how I personally felt isolated and a bit controlled dating him but to each their own. Honestly it made me feel sad for the fiancé because it validated what I went through was real and that I was not crazy to leave the situation.

 

Something I thought was strange was that when I was dating him we traveled to Hawaii together twice to visit my grandma who lives there and it turns out that he is taking her to the same location in Hawaii for their honeymoon. I know it is a popular honeymoon location but at the same time I can't help but wonder why there out of anywhere else in the world..

 

I feel like this whole situation is weird but I don't want to bring him up to my family/friends any more they are sick of hearing about him by now. Any thoughts?