How to slow *her* down...

[beternal]

I've been dating a girl for a while, lovely girl, beautiful, interesting, smart...all good!

 

Anyway, she is busy, as am I, so we only really get weekends or planned *after work* days together. So I made the suggestion of spending this coming weekend together on a drive-trip and she agreed.

 

Things have gotten quite 'passionate' in the past, kissing, wandering hands for both of us but no clothes have been removed and as such, no sex.

 

...so this weekend, I suspect in the hotel, things might head that way. The thing is, I don't want them to.

 

From experience, sex has led to a constant need/desire for sex, pushing the relationship too fast, or if things go badly that first time, losing the relationship! - I know this is all anxiety talking but how do you tell a girl you're not ready? She's a nice girl and might not even want this but she's hinted at it; but I'd like a more stable foundation before taking it to that level.

 

I've been in this situation before and friends always give the usual *talk to her* thing, but if you mention sex before they're ready, they might think that's all I'm after... and if you mention it as not being ready for it, I have gotten that look of *what's wrong with me*.

 

I need strong feelings before sex happens, otherwise I don't feel that connection during sex and it feels empty, but she's going away soon for several weeks to see family and so it feels like this is our *leaving on a high note* moment. I don't want to disappoint her.

 

Advice?

[Thecheesecake1]

Being a girl

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? Suggesting an overnight trip may not "slow things down". Why not play this by ear? Just cuddle, etc.

 

If you plan a hotel stay in the same room then give her a speech about not wanting sex that's very confusing and she may think you are not attracted or have "issues" etc. Also the "I need to like you first" speech is almost as bad.

 

So it could get just as messy not having sex as having sex.

I made the suggestion of spending this coming weekend together on a drive-trip and she agreed. I suspect in the hotel, things might head that way. - I know this is all anxiety talking but how do you tell a girl you're not ready? I need strong feelings before sex happens, otherwise I don't feel that connection during sex and it feels empty, but she's going away soon for several weeks to see family and so it feels like this is our *leaving on a high note* moment.

[limichelle]

Go with your gut instinct! Always listen to what you want and not what others want. I know that sounds selfish but it's really not when it comes to these important issues. Just tell her it's nothing to do with her it's just you're simply not ready.

 

Lisa

[limichelle]

I also agree with Wiseman!

 

Why are you planning an overnight trip if you aren't ready for sex?

 

Lisa

[Thecheesecake1]

Being a girl myself and trying not to generalise too much, I'd say that you will actually make her value and respect you more, especially as most guys would probably be the opposite and the girl would feel this way...Maybe that's sexist but that's what it seems like nowadays.. do you think she's desperate or in a rush for it? What you could do is sort of build the passion up in terms of touching cuddling etc and mention how nice it is to feel the suspense instead of going the full way...... Girls may understand that (:

 

I think you're being very wise either way! Let us know how you get on!

[Matt3939]

Yeah it's a bit hard when it's the guy slowing stuff in that department. You run the risk of her thinking it's her. Did that once it wasn't the highlight of my sexual career. I'd probably bring this up before you even go on the trip. Tell her you do see the relationship going in that way but just don't want to head there to fast. There's a lot of things besides sex anyway. Good luck

[JaggerJim]

I wouldn't say anything, and if she wants to have sex I'd have sex. Why spoil the moment? Work out the details later if she has a problem with it after.

[jujusamples]

@OP, it's funny because my husband told me the same thing when we first started dating! You know what, as a girl, it's so comforting to hear him say that because he was the first "MAN' I've dated. He just told me to not take sex lightly, he wants to make sure there is more of a foundation before doing so. He also said, it's not that he's not attracted to me, it's the fact sex clouds your judgement.

 

I've never believed in marriage until I met that man. He was right, we build up quite the foundation before having sex and our relationship is probably the most solid relationship I've ever been in. (I've been quite a few)

 

So yes, do it when you are ready. Don't do it because everyone else tells so. I have to ask, why go on an overnight trip? Yes, wiseman is correct, talk to her before going on the trip, since you already planned it.

[surfdiva]

I dunno, I think I'd be totally confused why a guy would plan an overnight trip with me if he didn't plan on being intimate. Maybe a long day trip would be fun and would keep things "slow" but for me personally, I'd be turned off by a man that planned an overnight trip and we weren't intimate. I'd think I wasn't appealing or attractive to him. That's just me thought

[Pretzel]

I agree with all of the above!

 

If you're set on the idea of not being physically intimate on the trip, make sure you manage expectations before you go.

 

Otherwise, you run the risk of spoiling the moment if she gets close to you, and you don't want to confront her about this issue whilst on your actual trip, do you? That would kill the buzz and would taint your trip with a talking instead of sex (which is definitely what she has on her mind). You don't want to leave it on that note before she goes away for several weeks.

 

I also would find it odd being asked on a trip with no sex....maybe you should reschedule the trip to when you are actually ready - if it isn't too late. But at the very least, make sure she is aware of what is on your mind to avoid any confusion or unnecessary insecurity to arise.

[J Miracle]

Maybe you can just play it by ear. I wouldn't say anything unless she pushes for it. You could always get the good Ole BJ, exchange oral or do other stuff so she doesnt think she's ugly. But just tell her you want to wait for inter course.

[IAmFCA]

I am involved in a passionate relationship in which he will not have sex with me. He said, Oh, there is so much other stuff we can do. And overnights are fine! ... but it helps to be open to and skilled at other ways of bringing not just the big O but playfulness, sensuality, tension. If you are comfortable exploring her body and bringing her there, eventually, then go for it. More than once the man has shut me down but played with me all night. Smartest move ever.

 

Do not explain yourself as if you are wrong. Of course there is no wrong. Just say, noooo we're not ready for that yet. And then just keep doing whatever you're doing.

[beternal]

Wow, big spread of impressions for this one...

 

The question a lot seem to be asking is why plan such a trip if that's not *the plan*? I just want to be with her. I've seen her half a dozen times so far, it's been wonderful every time but none of the times have been that long. It's not a long distance relationship but logistically it's a little awkward getting time we are both free.

 

I drive but hate driving in central London so I prefer the train which doubles my journey time to two hours each way. Work also means I have erratic hours and she is often busy with her PhD and/or work too. This has resulted in limiting our time together to five hours or so a week and therefore I thought a trip together out in the country would mean a whole day together, no wasted time or money commuting home and then the whole of the next day with an adventure we could share.

 

You ladies are really saying you'd think something was wrong or it's mixed signals for *not* wanting or pushing for sex in that situation?

 

I'm not sure I can win here... My gut impression is that she's planning something intimate, so if I tell her before that I'd prefer to wait, it will put a downer on the trip, if I tell her during, it's worse... But if I go ahead with it, I won't be ready and I'm worried it will change the way I feel about her, and because I'm not ready, that will probably show in how I perform and she'll start to have doubts too.

 

I've seen it a million times that when sex happens early, the guy tends not to take the girl seriously... And I want to take this girl seriously. I see it like reading the last page in a book before reading the book. Once it's done, the surprise is over, people often feel there's no need to read the rest... But reading it from the start engages you and makes you involved in the story, the commitment to the whole thing is more than the sum of its parts.

 

I told her many times I was happy in two beds or two rooms but she turned both down because she wanted to pay half and it would be too expensive that way and it would be strange in two separate beds...

 

Am I the one that's wrong here?.. Is this just how it's done and I made the wrong call by suggesting a weekend together?

[IAmFCA]

I think you are on target.

 

I also think you are undermining your success by narrow thinking. What do you mean by no sex? Do you intend to get naked? Do you intend to be sexual? Are you open to giving and receiving oral? Are you open to giving only and receiving nothing but appreciation? If P in the V sexis where you draw the line, i think you can talk about this in a way that is flattering and sexy and not at all a turnoff. To do that, it helps to feel good about what you are saying.

 

What reaction do you want her to have? Now: imagine her having that reaction. How do you handle this, knowing as you do for this exercise, her reaction?

 

That is how you should handle it.

[Snowdreamer]

if I go ahead with it, I won't be ready and I'm worried it will change the way I feel about her, and because I'm not ready, that will probably show in how I perform

To me, it sounds like this is more about performance anxiety. But it's OK. It wouldn't be the first time a guy wasn't a complete stud when performing with a new partner - especially when he hasn't been intimate in a long time. IF that's a concern of yours, then just tell her the truth - that you like her a lot and are attracted to her - a lot - but you are "out of practice". If she's a keeper, she'll understand and probably be willing and even eager to help. Trust the relationship. All the best!

[beternal]

To me, it sounds like this is more about performance anxiety. But it's OK. It wouldn't be the first time a guy wasn't a complete stud when performing with a new partner - especially when he hasn't been intimate in a long time. IF that's a concern of yours, then just tell her the truth - that you like her a lot and are attracted to her - a lot - but you are "out of practice". If she's a keeper, she'll understand and probably be willing and even eager to help. Trust the relationship. All the best!

 

I think it's a combination of both actually... that first-time performance anxiety and also just wanting to save that special moment until there are some really deep feelings. As I said before, sex can very quickly dominate the relationship before things have had a chance to develop and can ruin it.

 

To update everyone.

 

Anyway, went out for a driving holiday this weekend and as expected, things very quickly got physical when entering the hotel room. There wasn't really a way I could tell her no without hurting her feelings (I think that's a double-standard! - women can say they're not ready but if men do it, it hurts the woman's pride and they think something's *wrong*)... So it ended up being just me pleasing her in various ways. She'd clearly made the effort and I felt bad (beautiful lingerie etc - she looked absolutely amazing), but what could I do?

 

I brought it up the next day and she said she was a little disappointed. I told her that with all the foreplay pleasing her, I knew that once it actually got to sex, I was worried I wouldn't last long and I wanted to make a good first impression... the question now is just when the opportunity can happen again. She's busy with uni and doesn't want to come to mine (too far), I am more than happy to go to hers' but she's worried about housemates hearing... I'm getting that feeling of despair now!