My Parents Don't Know I'm Married...

[mariah167]

And thank you for your advice Fudgie, I just feel like it's best to tell them now rather than 5 or 6 years from now. I had a lot of that mentality when I got married, but now I think telling them is the best option for me. I'm going to explain why I kept it from them, and why I didn't see anything wrong with that. I still don't feel like it's that big of a lie, it's not like I had a secret child or anything. They already knew I had intentions of marrying this person later on and we live together so I don't think it will be too surprising or unforgivable.

[boltnrun]

I don't agree with pretending you just got married. Because then you'll be living with the fear that they'll find out you lied about that.

[Fudgie]

I don't agree with pretending you just got married. Because then you'll be living with the fear that they'll find out you lied about that.

Doesn't sound like OP is very close with her family so I'm not sure how they would find out about that.

 

Just to be clear, OP, you are under no moral obligation to tell them the full truth. This is about you and your comfort. If you find that it will be easier to tell them you just got married and you're reasonably certain that they won't find out the truth, then do so. You can cross that bridge IF you come to it.

[mariah167]

boltnrun I didn't have any intentions of pretending. Can everyone please understand that? I'm tired of addressing this. I always wanted to tell them, I just planned on doing it later (still before whatever celebration). I recently decided it was best to do it now, though.

[boltnrun]

boltnrun I didn't have any intentions of pretending. Can everyone please understand that? I'm tired of addressing this. I always wanted to tell them, I just planned on doing it later (still before whatever celebration). I recently decided it was best to do it now, though.

 

Someone else suggested you tell them you just got married,. I was responding to that suggestion, not trying to imply that you intend to lie.

[Snny]

Okay Snny it seems like you're taking this way too personally. I never intended on having a "fake wedding." I addressed this in a previous post when I said that if I decided to celebrate later on that all guests would be aware of the situation. And I plan to inform them sooner rather than later. Honestly, it doesn't seem like you're commenting to be helpful, it just feels like you're venting out of frustration.

 

Contradicting yourself, I see. Because this is what you worth in your first post:

 

My husband and I got married when we were 18 right after he came back from boot camp.

...

My parents just think he is my boyfriend, and we planned to keep it a secret and just have an actual wedding ceremony later on

 

I'm not upset at all. You're the one behaving defensive.

 

Quite frankly, I don't give a damn what you do. It's your friends and family, not mine. You asked a question and I gave you my undivided time and attention, and shared my perspective and suggestions to help you avoid further conflict and to keep your relationships/friendships... As third party advice that friends would be too afraid to share.

 

Yet here you are, still acting like a child with this petty response.

 

Good luck in life, don't say no one didn't warn you.

[abitbroken]

I've already noticed that a lot of people on here are quick to point out someone's wrongs but not as many are willing to suggest actual solutions. To those of you who commented trying to help, I thank you sincerely.

Again, sorry for the confusion.

 

It is hard to come up with an actual solution other than "just tell her". This is not like suggesting how to announce a gender of a baby and make a list of adorable ways to do it with balloons or cupcake fillings or a video. Its about you setting aside your nerves and just coming out with it as simple as possible. You can start out with "Mom, I know how much you wanted me to stay single, but me and X tied the knot". Don't tell her when or other details. Just see how she reacts. If she hugs you and is so excited, you might not have to say more than that. Or you and boyfriend can take mom out for dessert and with beaming looks on your faces say, "mom, we have a surprise for you. We got married".

 

I will guarantee that there will be follow up questions from mom and step dad just because they care "when did you get married?" etc, and then you will have to be honest.

 

Telling mom you are married may not "prove" you to be an adult, but it is an extremely adult thing to do - to stop hiding and to own up. Since you have told people, but not your mom, and waited so long this will be a gamechanger in your relationship. It will either be a moment of revelation and closeness - that mom will have tears of joy for your marriage and feel badly that you took her words in the way that you did and all is well - or she will be very upset that you hid this from her and might be furious - not that you are married but because you hid it. So you have to roll the dice and see what you get.

[happyfrank]

So I've been married for about a year now, and I am not sure how to tell my family. My husband and I got married when we were 18 right after he came back from boot camp. I was going to school in California at the time and then moved with him out of state to his assigned station. My parents just think he is my boyfriend, and we planned to keep it a secret and just have an actual wedding ceremony later on at what we thought would be an acceptable time (i.e. when I'm done with college, start my career, probably around 26). However, his mother just recently passed away. And I feel so horrible knowing I prevented him from telling her. She would always call me her daughter-in-law and wanted us to get married. And he feels really bad that she passed not knowing the truth.

His mother had him when she was older, so in turn a lot of his family is older and is very small now. I want him to be able to feel a connection with my family, too. I know it's unfair to keep that from him. He's expressed to me how frustrating it is to think of them as family but for them to not know.

I'm afraid that my parents will be angry and disappointed. We haven't had the most open relationship to say the least. When they found out we were dating our senior year in high school, they told me I was going to end up pregnant and not graduate.

They are nice enough now but given the things that have been told to me all my life it is obvious that they do not approve of this type of lifestyle. I don't want them to be angry with me again, and I don't want my family to be disappointed in me. They've always expected a lot from me and I don't know what to do.

I know my mom just wants a better life for me, since she was a teen mom herself. That is what makes this so hard.

What should I do?

 

Work hard for the relationship and finish school. Don't let marriage prevent you from finishing career. Military relationships are extremely difficult. Statistically speaking 80% of military relationships fail. Everything else is secondary.

 

Good luck to you.

[Seraphim]

There are military relationships that are successful though . I have been a military spouse for 23 years .

[journeynow]

You can get "We've eloped" announcements, host a celebration, whatever you choose. You won't be the first to have a secret civil marriage and later make it public and perhaps celebrate with loved ones. Mariah, you don't say what country you are in, nor does Snny, and maybe that plays into the situations. (I am surprised by Snny's vehemence about this.)

 

People do have all kinds of reactions to loved ones getting married, and you can't control them, just as they can't dictate how you live your life.

 

For me, if I found out one of my kids had gotten married a year ago and kept it secret from me but not from some others, I would be hurt and sad, to be honest, even though I acknowledge it is a self-centered response. But I'm well aware my kids make their own choices as adults, and I respect their right to choose. Putting myself in your mother's shoes, you could plan a get together with her alone (or if your parents are together, see them together) in a private setting. If she wants to know why, say you have something to talk to her about. So, you are not springing it on her, she has some warning. Go together, as a couple, to let her know. Maybe you can sit down beforehand and write out how you think the discussion might go, think through it, and do a trial run in your mind and on paper. Show how you gave this thought, and don't make it about what she did as a teen or any "short comings" on your parents part. And at the actual talk, present a potential plan/event/activity that you can all do together, whether it's a celebratory meal or gathering, a ceremony and/or a party, or a casual low-key get-together. The point is that you want to go forward with your WHOLE family.

[Snny]

Mariah, you don't say what country you are in, nor does Snny, and maybe that plays into the situations. (I am surprised by Snny's vehemence about this.)

LOL.

The OP wanted to lie to her family and friends by pretending she's getting married. Who doesn't like liars?

[LC8328]

Well...let's be fair for a minute, though.

 

I agree that part of being an adult is to own up to what you have done and that if you're not ready to tell your parents you're married, well, then, you probably weren't ready to begin with. And I can attest to that. I got married when I was 18 too. Was I ready for it? Ha-ha! I laugh in your face! I was barely ready a few years ago.

 

But to be fair, Mariah (OP) did say that she got married and then wanted "an actual wedding" later, with the fam, etc. Far be it for me to pretend I know what someone else is thinking, but I glean from this that she was under the impression that a ceremony without her family present was not an 'actual' ceremony (poor choice of words as we know this can't be literal)... We all know that she IS married but I think in her mind, an 'actual' wedding is one in which everyone is there.

 

Now, we can all debate about that...but that's not really the point. Snny, you pointed out a lot of things that no one would really consider, for instance how guests would feel, and so on, which helped. But you also told OP that she was 'doing it for the pretty princess dress.' I read her original post and she neither said nor hinted anything of the sort. You also flat-out called her a liar. Intellectually, I get what you're saying, but the name calling and assuming she wanted a princess dress came right out of left field.

[LC8328]

...although, planning to keep a marriage a secret until she's 26 isn't exactly the most mature idea, either.

[Fudgie]

I still think that having a reception (not a ceremony, just a reception) is the best of both worlds. Your friends and family can be there and no one is being deceived. If you decide to tell them "oh we got married recently at the court house" or "oh we got married a long time ago at the court house"... That's up to you. You don't have to tell the whole truth. Does it really matter? I think not. Regardless, people know that they are coming to a reception for a wedding that already happened. No deception.