My Parents Don't Know I'm Married...

[Seraphim]

Yeah I think I misused the word "ceremony." Some people seem to think I want an expensive wedding with gifts and everything but that's not what I had envisioned. The people I would have invited consist entirely of what you would call "the local crowd." Everyone close to me in that state lives within 20 miles of each other. So if I did anything, it would be a small celebration just like any other get together we have.

 

Ok, but how do you want to show your union to them?

[Seraphim]

Another thing why could your dad know but not husband's mom?

[Fudgie]

You can always say "Listen, he and I are going to have a court room ceremony, just us. We would like to have a reception on this date and we are inviting a, b, c...etc"

 

nevermind that the court room part already happened. They won't know the difference, and you wouldn't be misleading them with a "fake" ceremony, just a party for a wedding that they know has already happened. They just don't know how long ago it was, they are assuming it was more recent. Oh well.

[Seraphim]

You can't get a new marriage license which will be required to do a marriage ceremony . It will come back that you were already married .

[j.man]

I am not j.man but I can think of a pretty good example: health insurance.

 

In my city, you can get a $50 domestic partnership to share health insurance. Plus, no marital property issues and it's easy to end it, no court involved. However, you have to pay taxes on the employer's contribution towards the partner's insurance AND not many areas still do this. in order to share insurance, in many places, you have to be married, straight or gay.

 

Maybe one partner is going back to school or something else is going on and the working partner wants to put them on their insurance but can't unless they are married. Maybe they were planning to be married in the future already but now need to "hurry it up" so that one person doesn't lose their health insurance.

 

in this situation, a court wedding may be the best solution (which, in my area, is $50 fee on top of the marriage license, it's done in the court, and then you're done) and the couple can celebrate with friends/family later when able.

May not be me but spoke pretty well for me. Health insurance was forefront in my mind as far as examples go. There are plenty legal benefits and reasons to get married. I could only assume some of them would come in handy sooner than later and prior to an actual ceremony.

 

But, yeah, as a middle-class contractor post-ACA (new proposition isn't helpful either, so not trying to get political or partisan), non-employee, private health insurance is as beneficial as it has been affordable... which unfortunately is "not very." My girlfriend gets health insurance through her residency and, were I the type to do so, I would save thousands a year on the plan alone, and additional thousands I'd save having a half-respectable deductible just going to the county clerk however many months before we were to decide to do a public shindig. And money saved over several months, particularly when we're talking however many percent of a down payment on a mortgage, can be a benefit to a couple who, for all intents and purposes, intends to put one down together.

 

Again, not encouraging it, not saying it's a good or bad idea, and I personally would not do it, but it is quite often that a ceremony far proceeds the sentiment and it really is more or less logically arbitrary not to do it. But, to Snny's argument, I do think should you choose that route, you should be open and honest about it and consider whether the benefit of getting legally wed so far prior to the ceremony is worth the deromanticization of said ceremony. You choose to go about it for practical purposes, expect others to consider more heavily their own practical terms when it comes to attending or participating.

[reinventmyself]

If you feel your family disapproves of your life style they may welcome the news that you are indeed married after all.

Depending on their reaction you could plan a simple celebration, sans the gifts and extravagance.

Maybe not right away. But in time. Gage your families response and plan accordingly.

 

I know people who got married by the court and celebrated at a later date.

 

My niece and her bf of 8 years intentionally planned things in this order -

moved in together,bought a home, intentionally got pregnant, went to the court to get married, told their parents,

(baby shower was Sunday) The two of them will have a private ceremony in Hawaii the end of this year and a small family reception when they return.

 

Doing things traditionally are going by the way side. Young people have the perogative to do it any way they choose.

[mariah167]

I am not "having babies." Although that was a concern of hers, she told me when I started college that what she really wanted was for me to be single. She didn't want me to have the influence of a partner which is why I know she would be disappointed.

And obviously I know it was wrong to not tell her that wasn't the issue I was addressing. The question is what do I do now. I'm trying to figure out how to tell her and I'm sorry if I messed up typing but what I meant was of course I am going to tell my family BEFORE we have any type of celebration. The first time around we just signed the papers in the courthouse so if we decide we want to have something later whether it's renewing our vows or a convalidation then whoever wants to attend can.

[mariah167]

Dating, having children, or getting married young are all bad things in their eyes. I feel like me being married would just disappoint them.

[reinventmyself]

Dating, having children, or getting married young are all bad things in their eyes. I feel like me being married would just disappoint them.

 

Well. . .you can't put the horse back in the barn.

You are an adult. .they may be disappointed, but they will get over it eventually.

What other choice do you have?

[Seraphim]

Well ,a convalidation is something specifically Catholic so if you are Catholic you can check with your priest about that. I would tell your mother you're going to live your life in a way that makes YOU happy. And that you won't live her projected way of how she wants to live her life.

 

If you and your spouse have a religion check with the minister of that religion and see how a vow renewal would take place .

[mariah167]

My husband wanted to keep it from his mom at first, too. She lives in the same city as my parents and there was a greater chance of the news getting out. As she was getting worse, I told my husband that we should tell her. And I believe he was going to do it in person when he visited her, but unfortunately, he did not make it there in time.

[Seraphim]

Well , being adult involves saying things our families don't want to hear. So I would just come out with it . And they can sit in their unhappiness and disappointment if they like .

[mariah167]

I know I need to tell them. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to get them to understand.

[Seraphim]

They may not understand and that's fine too . The only one that has to understand and agree with your lifestyle is you .

[abitbroken]

I know I need to tell them. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to get them to understand.

 

You can't get them to think or feel a particularly way. You just have to tell them. And I agree with your mom's initial sentiment. If i was a teenage mom and had a daughter, I would want her to be single so that she chooses her education or career path on her own steam before adding a husband into the mix so she will never have regrets. Just because she thinks that way does not mean you should not tell her. My sister got married at 20, which my parents felt was too young, but she and her husband have been married for 12 years now and couldn't be happier. Once the wedding was put into motion, they never said a negative peep to her about it.

 

you are a married woman now and you chose to get married instead of staying single and she will be happy for you, BUT she is going to be really put out that you hid the marriage. Part of being an adult is facing the music, and there is a strong possible that she will be deeply hurt from not being told for this long. So its time to act like a married woman instead of a frightened child and own up.

[Snny]

I am not j.man but I can think of a pretty good example: health insurance.

 

In my city, you can get a $50 domestic partnership to share health insurance. Plus, no marital property issues and it's easy to end it, no court involved. However, you have to pay taxes on the employer's contribution towards the partner's insurance AND not many areas still do this. in order to share insurance, in many places, you have to be married, straight or gay.

 

Maybe one partner is going back to school or something else is going on and the working partner wants to put them on their insurance but can't unless they are married. Maybe they were planning to be married in the future already but now need to "hurry it up" so that one person doesn't lose their health insurance.

 

in this situation, a court wedding may be the best solution (which, in my area, is $50 fee on top of the marriage license, it's done in the court, and then you're done) and the couple can celebrate with friends/family later when able.

Doesn't matter. This is still not a valid reason to throw a pretend wedding.

 

Also, I think you missed my point. Nowhere did I mention the OP can't celebrate her marriage... Just no re-enactments after she is already married.

 

Marrying for any one of these reasons does not make you any less married. IF you choose to get married quickly in order to gain insurance coverage, housing, or any other federal/legal benefit, the day you do so is your wedding day. You are not entitled to a do-over - even if you regret the decision.

 

It goes back to my example with my friends who married for Green Card status:

 

I found out a couple months ago from a mutual friend that two friends eloped to obtain a Green Card for one of them. They are talking about throwing a potential wedding later down the line now, but all I can think is the reaction quote above- especially when they haven't told me personally. I am even questioning my friendship with them for pulling this as we speak.

[Snny]

she told me when I started college that what she really wanted was for me to be single. She didn't want me to have the influence of a partner which is why I know she would be disappointed

I got married while I was in grad school, and I seriously do not recommend it. I would not recommend anyone who's in college to commit themselves to marriage because it is extremely difficult to focus on your studies and attend the needs of your marriage. Your first year of marriage is one of your hardest years of your life no matter how long you've dated. I've dated my husband for 10 YEARS before tying the knot, and we had multiple bumps on top of graduate school that gave me doubts. Stress left and right.

 

Have to agree with your mother on this one, but it's now a moot point. Are you in school now?

 

And obviously I know it was wrong to not tell her that wasn't the issue I was addressing. The question is what do I do now.

You can first stop lying/hiding things and manage disagreements/arguments. That's how adults handle conflict. Who cares if she gets pissed off, this is your life... And you need to own your decisions. It's called accountability.

 

Start telling the truth. Don't make it so melodramatic, with any bells and whistles- start telling her the facts. But hiding it, planning a wedding when you are already married will make you a fake person.

 

And nobody loves and trusts a liar. Time to grow up, OP.

[Snny]

Also to add:

Well ,a convalidation is something specifically Catholic so if you are Catholic you can check with your priest about that.

Fun fact: priests do not always approve them. You have to have a vaild reason to obtain one. And you have to be in good standing with his the church. If you aren't participating in your church, it's going to get tossed out.

[Seraphim]

Also to add:

 

Fun fact: priests do not always approve them. You have to have a vaild reason to obtain one. And you have to be in good standing with his the church. If you aren't participating in your church, it's going to get tossed out.

We obtained one because we were already married for 11 years and were part of a church community for several years. Next month it will be 12 years since our Convalidation.

 

However ,to obtain a Convalidation you must go through a counselling process with your priest. They want to be sure that your marriage is stable before they will agree to do one . As with all marriages they want to be sure the people they bind together will be together, forever.

[Fudgie]

Doesn't matter. This is still not a valid reason to throw a pretend wedding.

 

Also, I think you missed my point. Nowhere did I mention the OP can't celebrate her marriage... Just no re-enactments after she is already married.

 

Marrying for any one of these reasons does not make you any less married. IF you choose to get married quickly in order to gain insurance coverage, housing, or any other federal/legal benefit, the day you do so is your wedding day. You are not entitled to a do-over - even if you regret the decision.

 

It goes back to my example with my friends who married for Green Card status

Nowhere did I say a "pretend marriage ceremony". I said reception. Not the same thing. She is not deceiving anyone if she sent out invites saying "Listen, boyfriend and I got married via a court ceremony. Just happened. Ceremony is done. We would like to have a reception. Please come to celebrate with us if you want."

 

See, no fake ceremony. Just a reception after the fact.

 

I don't think that OP needs to come clean that she lied. She can just say that she just got married in court house, already done, already happened. That way, no one is being deceived.

 

It's the best of both worlds.

[mariah167]

I don't think being single prevents a person from having regrets. I understand why she feels the way she feels, and she can have her opinions but it's my life and I'm tired of feeling shame that isn't even mine. All of the negative thoughts and impressions I had of dating and marriage are hers, not mine. I'm starting to get over that, now.

I know I have to stand by my decisions and take responsibility, but doing so won't make me right or prove that I am an adult. Young people make reckless mistakes all of the time and stand by them, but that doesn't mean they're mature (not saying my marriage was a reckless decision). Honestly, at the time I didn't see anything wrong with waiting to tell people, but now I do. I want to tell her because I feel like it's something I need to do now, not because it will make me more of an adult, which I believe it won't.

I'm sorry if putting too much information in my post made it confusing, I really did not want comments on the issue of a "wedding" or anything. I should not have put that in there. I also did not want a bunch of people telling me how wrong I was for keeping it a secret, or that I need to tell my parents. I already know that. I wanted advice on how to tell them.

I just recently discovered this site, and as you can see, I barely joined yesterday. I've already noticed that a lot of people on here are quick to point out someone's wrongs but not as many are willing to suggest actual solutions. To those of you who commented trying to help, I thank you sincerely.

Again, sorry for the confusion.

[Seraphim]

Personally,I just tell people right out .

[Fudgie]

Mariah

 

See the advice that I put above. You don't have to fess up that you got married a long time ago. You can just say that you "just got it done" and you're letting them know now.

 

Look, there is a lot I don't tell my folks. I've had full on relationships that they didn't know about. I'm permanently sterilized and they don't know about that either. I've had medical procedures that they aren't aware of. My body, my choice. I'm an adult and if I want to keep that to myself, I am entitled. Likewise, it is in your better interests for them to know you're married but you don't necessarily have to confess that you've been married for a while. So tell them in a way that doesn't disclose that.

[mariah167]

Okay Snny it seems like you're taking this way too personally. I never intended on having a "fake wedding." I addressed this in a previous post when I said that if I decided to celebrate later on that all guests would be aware of the situation. And I plan to inform them sooner rather than later. Honestly, it doesn't seem like you're commenting to be helpful, it just feels like you're venting out of frustration. I was trying to take your comments with a grain of salt, but now I'm afraid I'll just have to ignore them.

[Seraphim]

I hope that your family takes it well. You deserve to be happy as you want to,