Natasha207 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Hi everyone, I have been in a long term relationship for 7 years with many ups and downs. I have been engaged since 2015 and called off the engagement last week. Is it the right thing to do to wait for your partner to change in order to be happy? Long story short, we have had a rocky past. The emotional abuse is no longer an issue and he did show resilience and ability to change years ago. Right now, my ex is struggling with an addiction to marijuana that has lasted decades. He has severe anxiety and PTSD. He has been spending $1200 a month on his habit, and as a result, even after he pressured me to set a date for this summer for our wedding, we haven't been able to save a cent! I resent him for this and then he goes and tells me that the reason he didn't attempt to save or co-operate with the wedding planning is that he actually had anxiety about the wedding in the first place. He said that if we were to ever marry, it would have to be private and low-key. I feel like I have been compromising my own dreams, needs and wants for this man. He treats me well, but this lack of co-operating has made me lose trust in him and his ability to cope with the responsibilities of adult life. I am looking for any insight at all! I have my strong moments of "Yes! You can do this, be the independent and strong woman you once were!" Then I have the moments of "Oh god, I do love him"... I know love isn't enough... but are my complaints and gripes justifiable to end this??? Thanks so much to you all for listening. I appreciate any input. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Are you living together? Do you work? Does he work? Compromising dreams? Emotional abuse, addiction, etc. and you are worried about a party? Why 7 years of going nowhere and 2 yrs of a supposed engagement? Did you know divorce is expensive and you could end up paying him alimony? A fancy wedding is not a magic wand that turns Peter Pan into Prince Charming. 7 years with many ups and downs. I have been engaged since 2015. The emotional abuse is no longer an issue and my ex is struggling with an addiction to marijuana that has lasted decades. He has been spending $1200 a month on his habit. I feel like I have been compromising my own dreams, needs and wants for this man. He treats me well, but this lack of co-operating has made me lose trust in him and his ability to cope with the responsibilities of adult life. Link to comment
Cocoapetal Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 my ex is struggling with an addiction to marijuana that has lasted decades. He has severe anxiety and PTSD. He has been spending $1200 a month on his habit Your gut feeling is saying run but you are rationalising your way around this... I personally don't think its a good idea to marry someone in the hopes that they will change. You already feel this. What if he never kicks the drug habit? By the sound of things the relationship wasn't meeting your needs. I know its hard right now, but hang in there, if it was this "good" with someone who wasn't the best for you.. imagine how much better will it be with someone who you are more compatible with and can meet your needs. Stay strong. x CP Link to comment
randomer2000 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 At this point it seems like the man itself is putting you off. So I dont see why you think that getting him to agree to the wedding is going to change anything. Do you two have any kids together? Is the Emotional abuse completely 100% gone or does he still have fits of it? Link to comment
Natasha207 Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 Are you living together? Do you work? Does he work? Compromising dreams? Emotional abuse, addiction, etc. and you are worried about a party? Why 7 years of going nowhere and 2 yrs of a supposed engagement? Did you know divorce is expensive and you could end up paying him alimony? A fancy wedding is not a magic wand that turns Peter Pan into Prince Charming. Thank you for your reply. Yes we recently purchased a house together. We both have a steady full time job. He makes more than i do. But yet somehow i manage to end up buying all the household necessities. I know what you're saying is right. Even if he had miraculously saved and help me fund the wedding it wouldnt solve anything. Link to comment
Natasha207 Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 Your gut feeling is saying run but you are rationalising your way around this... I personally don't think its a good idea to marry someone in the hopes that they will change. You already feel this. What if he never kicks the drug habit? By the sound of things the relationship wasn't meeting your needs. I know its hard right now, but hang in there, if it was this "good" with someone who wasn't the best for you.. imagine how much better will it be with someone who you are more compatible with and can meet your needs. Stay strong. x CP Thank you very much. No kids. Two cats and a dog and a new home. But this gut feeling is getting stronger and stronger. Link to comment
Snny Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Is it the right thing to do to wait for your partner to change in order to be happy? When walking into a marriage, you need to accept your spouse the way he is. And if you can't, then the marriage won't last. I'm sorry, but you cannot change for a person, nor should you settle for less. And with this guy being a druggie, there is no future with him. Drugs and marriage do not go together. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Did you say he spent $1200 per month for his drug habit. Wow! That speaks volumes. chi Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Think about if you got married and had a baby, will he be spending the baby's diaper and formula money on weed? Link to comment
Lester Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 Love no, codependency yes. "...and his ability to cope with the responsibilities of adult life." - One of the many symptoms of pot addiction. Link to comment
Natasha207 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Thank you all for your honesty and your realism. Sometimes when you're in these co-dependent situations it's very hard to see the facts and the truth like they are. He is of course "fighting" for this relationship and saying he will do everything he can to keep his mental health, addiction and coping skills in check... I have moved into a temporary apartment away from him. Attempting no contact until I can make final plans. Thanks again. Link to comment
Natasha207 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 I think I need to do some reading on codependency... this term is relatively new to me and the more I read about it, I fear that this is what I have been doing for 7 years. Thanks for your reply. Link to comment
Lester Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Good for you! Read, read, read..., but beware: Codependency has it's roots in fear. That is, your fear. There are many great mentors/books/forums that will help you understand your fears, and steps needed to overcome them. Beware of quick fix advice. (e.g., Dump the bum, and have a great guy by tonight.) It will fail and only make you angry. The anger will shield you from the good. It's not about the user/abuser..., it's about you! Link to comment
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