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Everything posted by Cocoapetal

  1. Thanks for the above. Ive also found in my experience that people who want to take friendship from 0-100 and instantly cling, without vetting you often have an ulterior motive. Im slinking away as suggested. I did get a text to come out for a christmas walk.. after sending a general merry xmas to my contact list. I had to decline because I will be with family and I told her to enjoy her family time. I think she defintiely has issues. I went out for my first run yesterday and second today and i had a little knot in my belly and scared to bump into them but i ran away and i will again tommorow. I think some poeple just choose to see things from their own perspective. I hope you have had a great Xmas xx
  2. Thanks Batyaa 33 and Adrina So I sent an "opening" text just re-iterating that the next few weeks are packed and I'm behind a few important issues hence the change to my schedule and maybe in January we can visit the restaurant that she suggested and reconnect, and I just got an emoji in response, which I've learnt she does when angry. So I decided not to give her the respect of trying to salvage our friendship since she sees me as someone to be used for her gratification and a workout buddy who HAS to be there at her beck and call. I will not engage in uneven friendships or relationships and I will not engage with people who feel entitled to my time. I feel better about accidentally bumping into her in the park- its on her how she feels if and when that happens. I have the freedom to choose and im choosing that she is out of my life. I was in knots about it last week but I figured she's not worth it. In this case someone who wanted to build a real friendship will not require that I inconvenience myself or jeopardise my studies to fit them, so I have not lost a thing. On the other hand, a friend who I have not seen in over a year and we've kept in touch via text here and there, is driving down to see me on the weekend and im looking forward to catching up. I guess I've learnt my frienship style will not be every body's but that doesn't mean I don't care or that I am a bad friend
  3. I don't get that sense of more and certainly hope that wasn't her agenda. she's older than me more than 5 years and married with kids. I did meet her husband once briefly when we ran, but she never spoke about their relationship and I never asked- its not my business. what I do get is she is used to fixing people as works in a caring profession and maybe because they opened their doors of their home to me, she thought I would rush in, I think she's used to being depended on and controlling things. I can't really tell. I on the other hand am learning to trust my intuition again and sometimes I get confused if I'm being avoidant because of the aftermath of being in unhealthy relationships or I am genuinely picking up that this person cannot be trusted. I do not like that when I did explain - 4 times- that my schedule has changed- I've been met with simmering anger and hostility, and when I have tried to keep contact short, they have contacted me every few days, as if to keep me hooked in. The phonecalls were not normal, I didn't really know how to respond, I just remember feeling angry. They never wanted conversations to finish, texts were always questions, unless I said, " I'm off now, enjoy the rest of your day". If a friend had a change in schedule, ill keep it moving and hope for reconnection at a later time, some of my friends are super busy and we only see physically a few times a year and we enjoy it and make the most of it- no drama, no hostility. I'm enjoying working out at home, but I've been avoiding the park now which is a shame.
  4. Well I blocked as of yesterday because I wanted to focus on my work and didn't want any calls or texts coming through, we will bump into each other as we live near so I will have to unblock if only to explain my perspective . Im dreading this. At first, I thought they were only a little pushy, but thinking back and I discussed this with another friend, we both agreed that she's a meddler and a fixer and probably does this to everyone else. There are a couple of instances one where she has booked an appointment with a company on my behalf for something I casually mentioned I needed to look into , and a few of her comments and actions have put my back up and made me feel like they're looking to fix me. Surprised she has as much energy to give to me with her kids/husband. I have sometimes been the one to say won't you want to be spending time with your family on the weekend? I suspect that she's lonely and maybe depressed, she's said nothing outright, but has hinted at feeling lonely and unfulfilled. I have listened as a friend would but I felt things got intense too fast with her wanting to extend our contact beyond the run. I don't mind, but I told her Im the type to take things slow so lets see. She's bulldozed her way in, sometimes texting me to ask a question when we said goodbye less than an hour ago. Even when we have worked out at her place, I told her I felt uncomfortable as the kids clearly wanted to spend time with their mom on Saturday morning and woke up to a stranger in their house. I felt like was invading private family time. I said id rather stick to running outside. I don't even spend 2 hours a week one on one with my favourite family members so the time I have given has been expensive for me. I am angry that they now feel entitled and im getting anger and hostility because I can't keep giving this time. My other friends- I only have a few- don't demand of me, some I speak to once every couple of months and there is no hint of hostility, we simply pick up where we left off- and we catch up on each others lives and cheer each other on. I like that. I don't do enmeshed. The blocking will eventually be permanent but I'm mentally gearing up for when we might meet locally or even on one of my runs and the thought of interacting again makes me feel physically sick.
  5. Good to hear some perspective, Ive been hinting over the last few weeks about my change in schedule, but I guess she only speaks blunt. Good to hear that Im not over reacting to this as its caused me some stress.
  6. Thanks for the response sometimes struggle to figure out if I'm being avoindant or need stronger boundaries. It does feel pushy. Thats true- I'm angry I feel the need to explain , this is a red flag for me. I was angry at the 5am calls and have proceeded to silence her messages and calls since then- I didn't express my anger and I should have. I don't think talking will work I think a slow fade might be better for this one. Thanks x
  7. Hello I haven't been on here in a while. First of all I have previously been in relationships where I have not been respected and I am growing more aware. Few months ago, I took up exercising in the local park- its so beautiful and I like going to clear my head and think things through and be in nature. During my jogs, I met a lady who struck up conversation, she lives locally and we struck up a friendship, she seemed lovely- I used to go 4 x a week, but I said we could jog together on the weekends when I'm a little more relaxed about time as weekdays I'm on a routine. Since we met, we have jogged nearly every weekend since summer. Now my life is quite busy as I typically have 50-60 , hour weeks , I work from home and study full time. My weekends are not free as that's when I do the bulk of my studying as I work in the week. I was lucky to be accepted on a program that I never thought I would be accepted on so I am really careful to keep my grades up. here's the issue , I have mentioned that its not typical that I am free every weekend- In the summer I was, now I'm at school and juggling my work and deadlines Im not always available on the weekends. she's married /kids and would prefer later run, 10-11am, we compromised at 8.30am. She has given the option to work out at her place, we tried, there isn't enough space plus she had kids and she keeps going off to attend to them. Im time conscious so I told her I prefer we stick to running. I felt like I want to protect my intention to run- I didn't make the intention to work out at someone else place. I can do this at home. I have thanked her for the invite every time she has opened her home to workouts. Recently, I've had back to back deadlines and some personal issues arise which I need mental space to clear. I have met her every other week, not every week and usual and this has caused a lot of friction between us, through snarky comments and "jokes" about me being away for over a "year" . I sense suppressed anger behind these jokes and I am unsure why such anger should arise. When we do run, she brings up a strong a heavy topic towards the end of our run, so its hard to cut off when she starts talking about something deeply personal.this extends the run by 10-20 minutes. I once got woken at 5am and I had 10 missed calls every few minutes from 5am! This was when I sensed the shift. She then proceeded to tell me she would come and knock if I didn't answer. I called and it was just to confirm the time of our meeting. I have started to feel her "pull" on me, e.g wanting to text back and forth during the week, her texts "feel" angry , one word answers if I don't constantly update. When its not an emergency, I end messages with "enjoy the rest of your day" to signal the end of conversation , especially after we've just been together for almost an hour. I genuinely do work and study 10-12 hour days! I make time to catch up with my friends every other month, im ok without daily contact from my friends. I take time to let people in, I am happy to let friendship slow burn but Im feeling an anger from her- because I keep pumping the breaks. I don't want her to introduce me to her single friends- she had hinted at a singles evening and I said I'm not ready to date so I won't attend but I hope she and her single friends have fun. The event didn't happen, which makes me think it was targeted at me. Lastly, I don't feel like I should rush anyone's energy into my life. I take my time and I don't feel entitled to anyone else time or energy. I have felt a massive knot in my stomach and nausea when I think of her and this wasn't there before Im intuitive and Im feeling something off- I find myself explaining why I cant do this or that or why I don't want to go to this event or dinner. I hate that I feel the need to explain myself. I feel pulled on. I feel a knot and a sinking feeling in my stomach when I think of her. Somethings shifted with her and I can feel it. I cancelled our run for the next couple weeks as I have started working out in my own space- alone- with time to think and clear my head and reset my energy. Energetically, I feel invaded. Im thinking of fading away. Perspective please?
  8. I love the part about selecting the voice in our head. Im going to actively try and internalise that . Ill spend the next few weeks developing my inner cheer leader. yes I agree, my body follows my intentions. Sometimes I dont want to get out of bed. Few days later I am sick and can hardly leave the house.. I know its psychosomatic as Im hardly ever sick. I like the part about ditching the story, its easy to get attached to being a victim. I dont want this in myself, I know i fall into that ditch sometimes. thanks again for your reply xx CP
  9. I did recieve the PM, Thank you :) You're right, If i dont go home, Id be the only one who isnt around for xmas. I cant cut them out forever even though I want to. SO good to hear that you were able to hold on to yourself in situations that are usually triggering. I guess they are used to you reacting in a certain way/ be a doormat and you didnt give in this time. How long have you been on this "journey'? DO you have a daily list of recovery things that you do? As mentioned earlier, Im making a new morning routine for myself.. I haven't had one for years now. xx
  10. Hello Yes thank you so much, As you mention, Its about getting to the root of why we allowed them in in the first place. I also saw strong parallels between my father and this man. SO yes, on some level, maybe I was trying to resolve my relationship wth my father. I am definitely the black sheep, its something we've said openly in my family. Im still debating whether going home for xmas is a good idea or not this year, we dont openly fight but there is a lot of undercurrent. Id love to know what resources helped you. Lets PM. Thank You. CP
  11. Thank you, I found myself nodding along as I read this article. I need to find a therapist that specialises in codependency. Ill do some research. Thanks for your input xx
  12. Yes I hear you on the "continued action" I journaled today and wrote myself a new morning routine. I,e wake up 6am/ affirmations for 10 minutes. Workout/ shower/ breakfast/work. Some days Ive been up early but felt too drained to get out of bed, to be honest , i didnt create a structure for myself and I am struggling daily. I now have to create the structure that I need to live a fulfilling life. I have to take 100% responsibility. Ive spent a lot to days sick with a flu/migraine/throwing up.. I want this to stop so I can go back to normal. What are some examples of practical steps that you have taken? thanks
  13. Thank you Thatwasthen. Im considering a new therapist. My current one is great, I love her, but I feel i may be needing something else. I dont ever want to find myself in this situation again. I want to live.. i cant imagine continuing whilst feeling like this. I also dont want to keep getting sick as ive lost a lot of money from not working. I will read up on inner child work, I listened to Louise Hay for a while a year back. maybe I need to go back to it. Thanks for your input.
  14. I agree that I need to learn more and get more help in dealing with Codependency and MY role in it and WHY i allowed him in my life twice. I am also open to hear resources and books that my help me. My issue with the above poster is that he implied i was making up the verbal harassment, which for me was the worst part of the ordeal. Yes I do have dysfunctional patterns, we all have blind spots hence why I'm back in therapy. Ive been in and out of therapy since I was 16- I thought I was "done" but having him in my life and what happened over the last 3 years has shown me I'm not. Im willing to see and look and heal- hence why I started the Post saying I do not blame anyone in this only myself. My childhood- Please do not judge me. Im only here for constructive help. A little snapshot. I am the black sheep of my family. I grew up very lonely. By the age of 5 I was bald from pulling out my hair from anxiety . My father was a very successful business man, loud and angry. everyone tip toed around his anger and moods. My family was very image conscious. My mom was very openly rejecting of me. My sister was her doll and they played dress up. I preferred climbing trees and riding bikes. I never bonded with either of them. My family was one in which the whole house could be on fire and no one dared say a thing, everything was swept under a carpet. I never had my emotions validated by my parents. The opposite, I was constantly invalidated and told i was "making things up" or "over reacting" . I never felt seen/heard in my family. Ive never had an open heart to heart with any of my parents. It affected all of us differently, One sibling is an alcoholic and hasn't left the house for years, the other is functioning but has high narc traits and is the golden child. If i wanted something, I had the golden child ask my parents as they wont say no to her. I never really asked directly. I haven't unlearned all of this- not in the way I thought I had. I still have trouble asking for exactly what I want. By age 10 I was overweight and depressed, by 13, I was suicidal. Three suicide attempts between 16-19. I left home at 18, i was happier away from home. I trusted a man to walk me home when I was 19 and drunk and scantily dressed, he raped me. I restarted therapy because of this. Bulimia kicked in when I was 21, I got better about age 26, Im no longer actively bulimic but the depression/anxiety is still there. Im "book smart" but thats it- emotionally, I feel dead on a good day, but smile, and say the right things and i think fast on my feet. I dont feel deeply though. only pain. If you met me you might suspect as my eyes look glassy like I'm about to cry half the time. I genuinely like people but I dont know who to trust and who not to trust. i was drawn in by his intensity- i felt seen. Im not close to my family, I never have been. I want and need help- I know somethings wrong, but I just dont know what and how to fix this.
  15. Thanks for your Thoughtful Post. I listen to Lisa Romano, and Alan Roberge on Youtube every day while putting on my makeup and getting ready in the morning. It was Lisa Romano's YT videos that confirmed the funny feeling I was having in my gut. I will look into the others you have mentioned . Thank you very Much. Yes we had some joint friends and Ive had to back off from them too. I feel like I also have to remove the mental filter of his opinions from my mind. what worries me the most is that since we parted Ive been sick ALL the time . like every couple of weeks, ill get a debilitating migraine that causes me to spend the day throwing up and in bed and two days recovering. Its cost me money as ive had to cancel meetings. Drs have said I'm Fine. I think its a psychosomatic reaction to the shock and stress. Im in bed now sick again since wednesday. I know that I saw his traits but I thought if i was open and honest then there will be no need to feel like he had to hide himself from me. I wasn't at the receiving end of his anger and harsh words for a long time , i never thought it will be my turn on day ..my naivety I suppose. I thought maybe our relationship didnt work but business will as it was more straightforward. neither did. I had a stint of drinking every night, Im off the alcohol now. Thanks for your response xx
  16. I feel your response is harsh and judgemental - its impossible to put the whole incident in a few paragraphs- ive also put the focus of the post on what I need to do to heal from this.... but for what its worth thanks for your input. It wasn't an affair with a married man, during when we briefly dated I had been to his place over weekends and he doesn't live with anyone, he lived alone and still does. He told me about - the mother of his child who he didnt live with and he convinced me at the time that there was nothing else between them except for talk of child and babysitting . I didnt "go to work for him in his company" as you have put it- we ran a few projects together and it made financial sense to pool resources and do it as a joint entity. Eventually i got roped into managing some aspects of his business - initially I didnt object. I objected when it prevented me from carrying out my own duties in my own venture. During our time in business there was NO physical contact. Im not suing for an "Affair that went bad" Im not suing at all- i just want my property back and to move on and rebuild my life. I think I would know when I'm being harassed, shouted at and called names. I think i would know when someone is flying off the handle and over reacting. you come off as very judgemental in this especially for someone who wasn't present when these incidents happen. Im not an arrogant or self-conceited person, I always like to put myself in the other persons shoes and apologise when I think I'm wrong. or have offended someone I wrote to him on numerous occasions asking how we could work together and if he could stop the name calling. I asked that we seek mediation to part amicably but he refused. I put myself through study and and therapy about codependency and my role in it. He's a narcissist, a self confessed one who calculated and plotted his way to destroy me- His words. You must realise that ppl like him are very skilled at manipulating and twisting situations and making you doubt yourself. everything I thought I knew about him was a lie, His age, date of birth, his brushes with the law. My property wasn't trademarked yet, i created and sold with it, we discussed it, mentioned id do it when the company gets bigger. He then goes behind my back and purchases the trademark to his own name. It worries me that if you read this situation like this, then others will too. I dont like feeling like i have to defend myself to you, I know what happened, and what ive been through Im just trying to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. You're entitled to your opinion as I am.
  17. He was an ex who i had no contact with for months. He said he was separated from his childs mother,.. but i doubt so now. He came on strong and dumped me as soon as i let him in fully. we work in the same industry so we kept seeing each other at trade shows and events. we became business partners as we took on a joint lease and did some projects together. eventually, he became a partner in my company and I managed his sales. Ive cut off all ties. personal and business there is no contact. He still after everything approached me to work together again. Im building up my case as i have evidence of verbal harassment and that I am the rightful owner and creator of said property. HE registered my trademark in his name and has used this to blackmail me for months. What keeps hitting me in waves is the level of betrayal for someone who wasn't who i thought he was. I have to be an adult now and take responsibility.
  18. Thanks for writing this. its so good to hear that you were able to cut out the toxic person and also do some work on yourself . i like what you said about not letting the traumatised child take over. always good to remember. Take care xx
  19. Hello Ive been away for a while. I do not blame anyone but myself in all of this, i am seeking to take back control of my life. He wormed his way back in, the ex. I worked on myself nd I was in a much better place, I had gotten over him. He begged and apologised and wooed me and wined and dined me. I opened up to him and allowed him in. We were not in a relationship but in a business partner/psedo - friendship arrangement and I was also a part time employee in his company. I helped with sales/ marketing. I was overworked and underpaid. We still flirted, people still thought we were a couple. I enjoyed being around him, secretly hoping that i would one day prove my use and loyalty. maybe we would get back together since we have such "chemistry". As with every narcissist, it was an unequal relationship. Bonding like crazy, talking about his childhood one minute, dinners, dates, compliments and flirting. The next moment, being called a , s**T , shouted at over the phone and in public, being ignored, silent treatment, sabotaging my business deals, constantly being on edge, shifting goalposts, being distant. Over time, his hatred of me was palpable. I was not allowed to have opinions. My company lost money as all my energy, time and attention was siphoned into His . I was drained . I knew i was in trouble and I started planning my exit.I started studying about narcissistic abuse and codependency and I wanted out. What was my part in this? It felt wrong being treated like this, standing up for myself brought more punishment . I felt too powerless to do anything abut it. One day I uncovered a lot of lies in his personal life/ a criminal past / GBH/ Prison sentences for serious crimes i knew nothing about/ and that he had stolen some of my intellectual property. He said he did it so " to have a one up on me" . I was accused of " not the kind of woman that can be controlled" I was discarded- and happily so. i started doubting myself again. Am I over reacting? Am I seeing things that weren't there? Did i push him? I blame myself for thinking That by allowing him in and being open, I could prove my loyalty and he will reciprocate . I still loved him and had this fantasy of us being a "power couple" running successful businesses side by side. fantasy. i was called every name under the sun.He said he had gone beyond hate to not feeling anything for me- i doubt he ever did. He said his goal was to completely destroy me. I was shocked and bewildered. I was physically shaking for days. Today- ive been sick every month this year , migraines, throwing up, flu- no energy i feel like I'm floating through life. My spark is gone. My business is suffering. i feel like my insides have been scooped out. I haven't been able to get myself back. Im still in therapy, but i feel its slow . I need action- i need it now. I keep getting images of how to end it and some part of me has planned it in my head. I know I wont act on it- I'm still processing the shock and bewilderment. I let the monster back in and now I'm bleeding to death. ive blocked him on every platform, he says i owe him money for his contribution to my venture. I was left broke- too broke to hire a solicitor. there might be a court case pending. Please dont bash me over the head with how silly I have been- I know this. I know.. It takes someone of incredibly low self esteem and worth to get entangled in this. I feel like the walking dead. I need help.
  20. I haven't written here for a while.. years. Im at my Wits End, I thought i was doing better, journalling reading, therapy, educating myself, being celibate so i dont mix myself up with his feelings. the last three months ive been secretly planning my end, in my mind its all sorted, i know how and where. its crazy how much detail has gone into this. Over the last year i have been sick - migraine, throwing up, flu- at least 3 days every month. Ive spent time sick in bed just staring at the ceiling... Ive told the therapist - maybe speaking it out makes it loose its power? I hate to be attention seeking, i like being strong and independent. I'm not one to throw around serious issue trivially,. but it has been on my mind - how to end it- who will find me- how to do it- what i need to put in order- who will run my business- i need to sort out my clothes beforehand- give away shoes i no longer wear. do i leave a note? make a video? will making a video make me cry. Will they be angry at me? relieved? maybe they have been expecting it- maybe they've seen me unravel but no one can help. Im drawing and falling through the cracks and no one can help me. Therapy is great- it feels like finally having a mom- i chose a woman this time- someone i wont fall for. But is she right for me? Im still insomniac and sick and dead inside. Im sick again- i missed 3 days of work and money this week- I'm scared.
  21. Ive been in ( and am extracting myself from) this situation when you feel you've found an amazing connection with " the one". Often time they know they hold the power in the relationship and enjoy the attention and power but dont necessarily have any intentions of taking it further. If she is not making time for you.. or is wishy washy about commitment, or paying you the same attention that you are paying her ... then she doesn't want it bad enough. You said you feel like you have some "sort of commitment".. You either do or you dont. Ive been there , Im still trying to detangle myself from something similar. it doesn't boost your self esteem, it ends up draining you. my feeling is that you both like each other, but she doesn't want it as much as you do. You sound open, maybe there will be some one else who would appreciate your openness . For the right person, you wont need to "Ask" . Look out for you xx
  22. Ive been in hibernation and spent the last few days by myself. Therapy this week was.. weird. I couldnt connect. I drew blank.. i had nothing to talk about.. nothing to say. ... Same old little to no sleep at night.. constant running thoughts in my mind.. playing scenarios over and over. I can't connect with anyone or anything right now. Im functioning but not alive. The only thing keeping me going is that I am achieving some of my goals. Im grey today. x
  23. .....eagerly awaits news of how it went .....
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