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Cocoapetal

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  1. Thanks for the above. Ive also found in my experience that people who want to take friendship from 0-100 and instantly cling, without vetting you often have an ulterior motive. Im slinking away as suggested. I did get a text to come out for a christmas walk.. after sending a general merry xmas to my contact list. I had to decline because I will be with family and I told her to enjoy her family time. I think she defintiely has issues. I went out for my first run yesterday and second today and i had a little knot in my belly and scared to bump into them but i ran away and i will again tommorow. I think some poeple just choose to see things from their own perspective. I hope you have had a great Xmas xx
  2. Thanks Batyaa 33 and Adrina So I sent an "opening" text just re-iterating that the next few weeks are packed and I'm behind a few important issues hence the change to my schedule and maybe in January we can visit the restaurant that she suggested and reconnect, and I just got an emoji in response, which I've learnt she does when angry. So I decided not to give her the respect of trying to salvage our friendship since she sees me as someone to be used for her gratification and a workout buddy who HAS to be there at her beck and call. I will not engage in uneven friendships or relationships and I will not engage with people who feel entitled to my time. I feel better about accidentally bumping into her in the park- its on her how she feels if and when that happens. I have the freedom to choose and im choosing that she is out of my life. I was in knots about it last week but I figured she's not worth it. In this case someone who wanted to build a real friendship will not require that I inconvenience myself or jeopardise my studies to fit them, so I have not lost a thing. On the other hand, a friend who I have not seen in over a year and we've kept in touch via text here and there, is driving down to see me on the weekend and im looking forward to catching up. I guess I've learnt my frienship style will not be every body's but that doesn't mean I don't care or that I am a bad friend
  3. I don't get that sense of more and certainly hope that wasn't her agenda. she's older than me more than 5 years and married with kids. I did meet her husband once briefly when we ran, but she never spoke about their relationship and I never asked- its not my business. what I do get is she is used to fixing people as works in a caring profession and maybe because they opened their doors of their home to me, she thought I would rush in, I think she's used to being depended on and controlling things. I can't really tell. I on the other hand am learning to trust my intuition again and sometimes I get confused if I'm being avoidant because of the aftermath of being in unhealthy relationships or I am genuinely picking up that this person cannot be trusted. I do not like that when I did explain - 4 times- that my schedule has changed- I've been met with simmering anger and hostility, and when I have tried to keep contact short, they have contacted me every few days, as if to keep me hooked in. The phonecalls were not normal, I didn't really know how to respond, I just remember feeling angry. They never wanted conversations to finish, texts were always questions, unless I said, " I'm off now, enjoy the rest of your day". If a friend had a change in schedule, ill keep it moving and hope for reconnection at a later time, some of my friends are super busy and we only see physically a few times a year and we enjoy it and make the most of it- no drama, no hostility. I'm enjoying working out at home, but I've been avoiding the park now which is a shame.
  4. Well I blocked as of yesterday because I wanted to focus on my work and didn't want any calls or texts coming through, we will bump into each other as we live near so I will have to unblock if only to explain my perspective . Im dreading this. At first, I thought they were only a little pushy, but thinking back and I discussed this with another friend, we both agreed that she's a meddler and a fixer and probably does this to everyone else. There are a couple of instances one where she has booked an appointment with a company on my behalf for something I casually mentioned I needed to look into , and a few of her comments and actions have put my back up and made me feel like they're looking to fix me. Surprised she has as much energy to give to me with her kids/husband. I have sometimes been the one to say won't you want to be spending time with your family on the weekend? I suspect that she's lonely and maybe depressed, she's said nothing outright, but has hinted at feeling lonely and unfulfilled. I have listened as a friend would but I felt things got intense too fast with her wanting to extend our contact beyond the run. I don't mind, but I told her Im the type to take things slow so lets see. She's bulldozed her way in, sometimes texting me to ask a question when we said goodbye less than an hour ago. Even when we have worked out at her place, I told her I felt uncomfortable as the kids clearly wanted to spend time with their mom on Saturday morning and woke up to a stranger in their house. I felt like was invading private family time. I said id rather stick to running outside. I don't even spend 2 hours a week one on one with my favourite family members so the time I have given has been expensive for me. I am angry that they now feel entitled and im getting anger and hostility because I can't keep giving this time. My other friends- I only have a few- don't demand of me, some I speak to once every couple of months and there is no hint of hostility, we simply pick up where we left off- and we catch up on each others lives and cheer each other on. I like that. I don't do enmeshed. The blocking will eventually be permanent but I'm mentally gearing up for when we might meet locally or even on one of my runs and the thought of interacting again makes me feel physically sick.
  5. Good to hear some perspective, Ive been hinting over the last few weeks about my change in schedule, but I guess she only speaks blunt. Good to hear that Im not over reacting to this as its caused me some stress.
  6. Thanks for the response sometimes struggle to figure out if I'm being avoindant or need stronger boundaries. It does feel pushy. Thats true- I'm angry I feel the need to explain , this is a red flag for me. I was angry at the 5am calls and have proceeded to silence her messages and calls since then- I didn't express my anger and I should have. I don't think talking will work I think a slow fade might be better for this one. Thanks x
  7. Hello I haven't been on here in a while. First of all I have previously been in relationships where I have not been respected and I am growing more aware. Few months ago, I took up exercising in the local park- its so beautiful and I like going to clear my head and think things through and be in nature. During my jogs, I met a lady who struck up conversation, she lives locally and we struck up a friendship, she seemed lovely- I used to go 4 x a week, but I said we could jog together on the weekends when I'm a little more relaxed about time as weekdays I'm on a routine. Since we met, we have jogged nearly every weekend since summer. Now my life is quite busy as I typically have 50-60 , hour weeks , I work from home and study full time. My weekends are not free as that's when I do the bulk of my studying as I work in the week. I was lucky to be accepted on a program that I never thought I would be accepted on so I am really careful to keep my grades up. here's the issue , I have mentioned that its not typical that I am free every weekend- In the summer I was, now I'm at school and juggling my work and deadlines Im not always available on the weekends. she's married /kids and would prefer later run, 10-11am, we compromised at 8.30am. She has given the option to work out at her place, we tried, there isn't enough space plus she had kids and she keeps going off to attend to them. Im time conscious so I told her I prefer we stick to running. I felt like I want to protect my intention to run- I didn't make the intention to work out at someone else place. I can do this at home. I have thanked her for the invite every time she has opened her home to workouts. Recently, I've had back to back deadlines and some personal issues arise which I need mental space to clear. I have met her every other week, not every week and usual and this has caused a lot of friction between us, through snarky comments and "jokes" about me being away for over a "year" . I sense suppressed anger behind these jokes and I am unsure why such anger should arise. When we do run, she brings up a strong a heavy topic towards the end of our run, so its hard to cut off when she starts talking about something deeply personal.this extends the run by 10-20 minutes. I once got woken at 5am and I had 10 missed calls every few minutes from 5am! This was when I sensed the shift. She then proceeded to tell me she would come and knock if I didn't answer. I called and it was just to confirm the time of our meeting. I have started to feel her "pull" on me, e.g wanting to text back and forth during the week, her texts "feel" angry , one word answers if I don't constantly update. When its not an emergency, I end messages with "enjoy the rest of your day" to signal the end of conversation , especially after we've just been together for almost an hour. I genuinely do work and study 10-12 hour days! I make time to catch up with my friends every other month, im ok without daily contact from my friends. I take time to let people in, I am happy to let friendship slow burn but Im feeling an anger from her- because I keep pumping the breaks. I don't want her to introduce me to her single friends- she had hinted at a singles evening and I said I'm not ready to date so I won't attend but I hope she and her single friends have fun. The event didn't happen, which makes me think it was targeted at me. Lastly, I don't feel like I should rush anyone's energy into my life. I take my time and I don't feel entitled to anyone else time or energy. I have felt a massive knot in my stomach and nausea when I think of her and this wasn't there before Im intuitive and Im feeling something off- I find myself explaining why I cant do this or that or why I don't want to go to this event or dinner. I hate that I feel the need to explain myself. I feel pulled on. I feel a knot and a sinking feeling in my stomach when I think of her. Somethings shifted with her and I can feel it. I cancelled our run for the next couple weeks as I have started working out in my own space- alone- with time to think and clear my head and reset my energy. Energetically, I feel invaded. Im thinking of fading away. Perspective please?
  8. I love the part about selecting the voice in our head. Im going to actively try and internalise that . Ill spend the next few weeks developing my inner cheer leader. yes I agree, my body follows my intentions. Sometimes I dont want to get out of bed. Few days later I am sick and can hardly leave the house.. I know its psychosomatic as Im hardly ever sick. I like the part about ditching the story, its easy to get attached to being a victim. I dont want this in myself, I know i fall into that ditch sometimes. thanks again for your reply xx CP
  9. I did recieve the PM, Thank you :) You're right, If i dont go home, Id be the only one who isnt around for xmas. I cant cut them out forever even though I want to. SO good to hear that you were able to hold on to yourself in situations that are usually triggering. I guess they are used to you reacting in a certain way/ be a doormat and you didnt give in this time. How long have you been on this "journey'? DO you have a daily list of recovery things that you do? As mentioned earlier, Im making a new morning routine for myself.. I haven't had one for years now. xx
  10. Hello Yes thank you so much, As you mention, Its about getting to the root of why we allowed them in in the first place. I also saw strong parallels between my father and this man. SO yes, on some level, maybe I was trying to resolve my relationship wth my father. I am definitely the black sheep, its something we've said openly in my family. Im still debating whether going home for xmas is a good idea or not this year, we dont openly fight but there is a lot of undercurrent. Id love to know what resources helped you. Lets PM. Thank You. CP
  11. Thank you, I found myself nodding along as I read this article. I need to find a therapist that specialises in codependency. Ill do some research. Thanks for your input xx
  12. Yes I hear you on the "continued action" I journaled today and wrote myself a new morning routine. I,e wake up 6am/ affirmations for 10 minutes. Workout/ shower/ breakfast/work. Some days Ive been up early but felt too drained to get out of bed, to be honest , i didnt create a structure for myself and I am struggling daily. I now have to create the structure that I need to live a fulfilling life. I have to take 100% responsibility. Ive spent a lot to days sick with a flu/migraine/throwing up.. I want this to stop so I can go back to normal. What are some examples of practical steps that you have taken? thanks
  13. Thank you Thatwasthen. Im considering a new therapist. My current one is great, I love her, but I feel i may be needing something else. I dont ever want to find myself in this situation again. I want to live.. i cant imagine continuing whilst feeling like this. I also dont want to keep getting sick as ive lost a lot of money from not working. I will read up on inner child work, I listened to Louise Hay for a while a year back. maybe I need to go back to it. Thanks for your input.
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