First Date: 24 old asian girl and 34 yr white male- Interesting Story

[Wiseman2]

True, nobody just happens to have 2 tickets already bought/planned and then asks about it on the first date. take is slowly with this one. Traditional step by step dates, etc. Don't lunge in impulsively. Maybe there's too much of an age and cultural difference and expectations?

Truthfully, I have plans to take another girl who wasn’t be super responsive, and here was this sweet attractive girl in front of me, so I thought I’d rather ask her to go.

[abitbroken]

True, nobody just happens to have 2 tickets already bought/planned and then asks about it on the first date. take is slowly with this one. Traditional step by step dates, etc. Don't lunge in impulsively. Maybe there's too much of an age and cultural difference and expectations?

 

Agree. Take her to dinner with no alcohol involved.

 

 

Maybe I'm different but if a woman doesn't put out her hand when I meet her she's done I just move on to the next. Though I am a palm reader. Seriously though I can't even remember going for a woman's hand. I guess that's your move. If you had a good conversation just ask her out again. You will know 2 or 3 dates in if she's physically into you I would think. Good luck

 

There was no physical contact on my first date with my guy. None on the second either. The third, there was light contact. If we went by the "if he/she doesn't touch/kiss by the x number of date they are done" we would never be where we are now.

 

I strongly agree with those who said to treat her like someone that you just met and just try to get to know her to see if there is a mental connection. There might not be. There might be. But don't force physical. She likely won't kiss you if she is fairly traditional unless you are actually in a relationship if you get there.

 

I agree with others, you might want to not get so serious so fast. You may feel ready - but I will say things reared their head when it seemed like enough time went by when i was already in a new relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

Hmmm, I don't really get the white guy/asian girl mention unless it's just a comment on your preferences.

 

If she is conservative, it's more meaningful to say what country she's from (whether the US or something else) for insight.

[Lion-Guy]

Thanks Dancingfool. I thought kissing on a first date if there was mutual attraction is completely normal. I am starting to hear from you all, that, that really isn’t the case. Or at least not with a lot of you.

 

 

I see what you mean about the flags. I’ll that perspective in the back of my mind. I think it is too early to judge someone. Trying to keep an open mind and an open heart girls.

 

 

Asian didn’t have a lot to do about it but yet it does. I was looking for insight on her actions, incase were is something blatantly obvious that I am naive about. I’ve never dated an asian ever. I have dated people from another culture so I do know there can be differences. Kara is asian but grew up in eastern european, has different value then some of us americans, and doesn’t want to be associated with chinese in anyway. Her culture doesn’t like them, racism, I know, how she was brought up.. But I thought her culture certainly played a part in her interactions, and being conservative acting with me. I mean, even her dating profile says more conservative, more love driven and less sex driven. To me, love driven means passion which means sex which means all of that wrapped together : ) but that is just me. And at 25 I didn’t know girls moved so slow still. The last 5 girls I dated for a period of time had no problem with sex on the 2nd or 3rd date. And we dated for a long time after that.

 

 

Tickets were not $300 each, $150 each, but still, I know, people won’t just have tickets like that. I had them for my other date and really wanted to go but not by myself. I found Kara more exciting/attractive mentally/physically to bring. I actually ended up going with the other girl and turns out she is super conservative and super high maintenance!!! lucky me : ( I think I realized that one is not for me to keep dating. Too much work and investment for little return.

 

 

Anyway, back to the Kara girl. I agree, I’ll keep it simple from now on. Thanks abitbroken . Will slow it down after hearing your story.

[Lion-Guy]

And by the way, it's been 3 days, But messaged her today. Fingers crossed, if not, there will always be another.

[notalady]

Some women might have no problem with getting physical early on (sex by 3rd date), and some do. So it's up to you how flexible you are about that and how willing you are to be patient and get to know them before being physical.

 

I used to be fine with sex early on when I wasn't looking for anything too serious. But once I decided that I wanted serious relationships, the focus changed, so I rather not get physical early, before I know what's what.

[Lion-Guy]

Totally listening to what you have to say notalady. But what if you invest 5-6 dates (a lot of time, effort, sometimes money) then sleep together and it turns out it is terrible, or you aren't compatible there or something. I'd rather know sooner then later so I can invest further or cut my losses.

[notalady]

The thing is, and it might just be for me as a woman, sex is never great the first time, it's always somewhat mediocre. And there's really not much emotional connection because I don't really know this person, so that aspect isn't great either. Once we bond more and get to know each other in and out of the bedroom, emotional connections develop and sex always gets better. So I don't mind if the first time isn't great (as long as it isn't bad).

 

I used to think my worst dating nightmare would be falling for someone who is great and right for me in every other way, but the sex sucks. My view changed over the years. Because I came to realise my priority is to meet someone great and can be my partner in life, and my best friend. So if I meet someone like that, and he's not great at sex, that's fine, we can work on it (being open to feed back and open to improvements is one of the important aspect I'm looking for anyway, so this would be consistent with someone who has that quality).

 

I also came to realise that I had a lot of control over how good my sexual experiences are, I don't necessarily need to rely on the guy being good at it, as long as I am. There are mediocre ones, but very few that I would say were "bad" at it. Also considering the need for emotional connection, for me, I realised that it just takes time to develop and I didn't really need to worry about it. Maybe it's different for you, maybe you've had some horrible sex.

 

So it's kinda up to you what your priority is. Like if you happen to meet a woman who seems to be compatible, whom you just really enjoy spending time with, and she wants to wait for a month or two before sex, would you walk away or would you want to take a chance? That's something only you can answer.

 

Also I don't see it as a waste of time and money (and hopefully the woman who is right for you would've offered to pay for some of these dates too), if your focus is on finding someone compatible to you personality and values and goals wise, because that takes time. Sexual compatibility, to me, is not something you just "get it in early and get it out of the way". But others might have a different experience.

[Lion-Guy]

Certainly a different way of looking at it then I have been. But a lot of it makes sense. The other important aspect is not only good or bad but are they into it and how often? Past relationship was every other week and that was just not satisfying. It became annoying and on mostly on her terms. I now know I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

 

If a girl wanted to wait a month or two to have sex after we started dating then yes I would walk away or walk towards the other girls I am dating. That is far too long for someone like me that is not religious or conservative.

 

Anyway, I reached out to her yesterday with a funny text and no response. I'll give her another day or two but I'm pretty much starting to write her off in my mind. Actions always speak louder then words to me. I still find it amazing how you can go on dates and have amazing conversations and eye contact and fun and then never hear from someone again. Not even a gentle I'm not interested anymore. But maybe that is the norm.

[evad1]

If a girl wanted to wait a month or two to have sex after we started dating then yes I would walk away or walk towards the other girls I am dating. That is far too long for someone like me that is not religious or conservative.

 

Not to offend you, but she could just have some self respect. It creeps me out when a guy tries to go straight to kissing and holding hands. That's not really the way to bond if you ask me and a easy way to get used for sex. I can see if we agreed on just having sex but even then I'm not going to play pretend relationship with you.

 

She's probably taking it really slow. Sounds like you need to get out her for another drink soon lol.

[notalady]

Certainly a different way of looking at it then I have been. But a lot of it makes sense. The other important aspect is not only good or bad but are they into it and how often? Past relationship was every other week and that was just not satisfying. It became annoying and on mostly on her terms. I now know I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

 

If a girl wanted to wait a month or two to have sex after we started dating then yes I would walk away or walk towards the other girls I am dating. That is far too long for someone like me that is not religious or conservative.

 

Anyway, I reached out to her yesterday with a funny text and no response. I'll give her another day or two but I'm pretty much starting to write her off in my mind. Actions always speak louder then words to me. I still find it amazing how you can go on dates and have amazing conversations and eye contact and fun and then never hear from someone again. Not even a gentle I'm not interested anymore. But maybe that is the norm.

 

You're not going to be able to tell a person's preferred sex frequency from having sex early, well, unfortunately you can never tell until it actually happens.

 

It's easy to have lots of sex when you're in the honeymoon period, even someone who doesn't like lots of sex, because it's new and exciting, hormones are running high etc, then once the relationship gets more comfortable, it slows to a lesser frequency. Question is whether your preferred frequency match up with one another. That might need to be conversation when the timing is appropriate. Another thing is sometimes the relationship itself isn't going well, so the sex dies off with it, nothing to do with the other person's sex drive. And yet another thing is, some people don't even know how many times they prefer. They think they want 3-4 times a week, and they might actually believe it, so they will tell you that, when in reality, once you both settle into the relationship, it becomes more like 1-2 times a week. These are not things you can try to prevent early on, unless of course this person tells you straight up that they don't like sex or they only want it once every fortnight or whatever.

 

About waiting a month or two before sex, I'm surprised you would walk away, when (hypothetically) everything else is going well. But to each their own. If that's your stance, you are better off finding someone who shares that view of course. How many dates are in a month anyway, twice a week? So 8 dates? Or maybe even less for some depending on schedule?

 

Anyway, waiting for sex has nothing to do with being conservative or religious. It's more to do with wanting to take time to assess if this is someone you want to be in a relationship with before sex. For women anyway, it's a smart and rational choice, because most women (not all but most) get more emotionally attached once they have sex, and they start rationalising away red flags and stop being objective, none of which are good when you're still in the early stage of deciding if you should get into a relationship with someone.

 

Also, logistically, well....most people (especially met online) are multi dating. So...they don't want to be having sex with different guys at once (I can easily see going on two or three or even few more dates with more than one person at once), wouldn't you prefer that? Or maybe you don't care about that. And of course, along the same reasoning, we all go on many dates with different people over time to find the right person for us, and many of those progress to three dates and maybe a few more, but then either person decides that it won't work out for whatever reason. So...we'd be sleeping with tons of random guys if we just sleep with any one we meet that progress to a few dates or more?

 

Just some food for thought.

[Lion-Guy]

Not to offend you, but she could just have some self respect. It creeps me out when a guy tries to go straight to kissing and holding hands. That's not really the way to bond if you ask me and a easy way to get used for sex. I can see if we agreed on just having sex but even then I'm not going to play pretend relationship with you.

 

She's probably taking it really slow. Sounds like you need to get out her for another drink soon lol.

 

No offense taken. This is all great constructive criticism. Trying to learn. It's been over 5 years since I have dated new girls. Trying to get another drink with her. She hasn't texted me back from yesterday : /

[Lion-Guy]

All great food for thought notalady. Starting to make a lot more sense now. I don't see as much of a reason to rush into it now. Ya, I get your point about frequency. But once the relationship is established and it is not what you want, it is hard to change. That happened in at least 1-2 relationships. No matter how nice you convey your needs, wants, desires in that area, it is never as nice as finding a girl that is just as much into it as you. It is important for guys and makes a lot of other elements in the relationship work better, at least for me. I feel more willing to give and return and not feel frustrated.

[abitbroken]

Totally listening to what you have to say notalady. But what if you invest 5-6 dates (a lot of time, effort, sometimes money) then sleep together and it turns out it is terrible, or you aren't compatible there or something. I'd rather know sooner then later so I can invest further or cut my losses.

 

This is the very wrong way to look at dating....you are saying you "invested" time, effort, money and what if you don't get a good return on that? The reason to date is to meet people and get to know them, and to eventually pair off with someone who has common goals, there is some attraction, etc. Its not "i put 20 coins in this machine and it better give me a prize". If you get to know someone and decide to date them exclusively, and move towards loving them, by the time you do have sex you will have enough commitment to laugh at the awkwardness, to not be deterred by it, etc., WAITING is a grand thing and the longer time you have to communicate, get to know eachother and fall in love the better it will be. Maybe its best for you to have multiple coffee dates with different women just sheerly to get to know them until you concentrate on one just for the practice of not looking at us like investments, but looking towards enjoying the company of another adult.

 

Also, if she is fairly traditional, there is no way she will have sex with you on the 6th date.

[J Miracle]

The last couple girls I dated I kissed on the first date.. One girl was a bit promiscuous, she slept with me on the second date. First date kiss, very appropriate based on her signals.

 

Second girl actually backed up, started to walk away. I felt quite foolish. then she came back and grabbed my hand, kissed me briefly and fled. She was pretty classy yet awkward, so I think with her, I moved in a bit early. I suppose you have to pay attention to the body language and other signals, if a first date kiss is going to blow over well.

 

Now that hand holding thing.. Scratch that from your repertoire of first date moves man! Kissing is objective, but Nobody has a hot and heavy hand holding session at a party after too much jungle juice.

[Ms Darcy]

Totally listening to what you have to say notalady. But what if you invest 5-6 dates (a lot of time, effort, sometimes money) then sleep together and it turns out it is terrible, or you aren't compatible there or something. I'd rather know sooner then later so I can invest further or cut my losses.

 

Unless you know you only have 6 months to live, 6 dates is hardly much of a sacrifice for a would-be relationship that did not work out for whatever reason.

[Lion-Guy]

This is the very wrong way to look at dating....you are saying you "invested" time, effort, money and what if you don't get a good return on that? The reason to date is to meet people and get to know them, and to eventually pair off with someone who has common goals, there is some attraction, etc. Its not "i put 20 coins in this machine and it better give me a prize". If you get to know someone and decide to date them exclusively, and move towards loving them, by the time you do have sex you will have enough commitment to laugh at the awkwardness, to not be deterred by it, etc., WAITING is a grand thing and the longer time you have to communicate, get to know eachother and fall in love the better it will be. Maybe its best for you to have multiple coffee dates with different women just sheerly to get to know them until you concentrate on one just for the practice of not looking at us like investments, but looking towards enjoying the company of another adult.

 

Also, if she is fairly traditional, there is no way she will have sex with you on the 6th date.

 

You are completely correct. I've been looking at this all wrong. I can't argue with you. You make all valid points. What I can say, is it is expensive to be the guy. I just went on a date tonight with a different girl for "A drink" and that turned in to $90.

[Lion-Guy]

The last couple girls I dated I kissed on the first date.. One girl was a bit promiscuous, she slept with me on the second date. First date kiss, very appropriate based on her signals.

 

Second girl actually backed up, started to walk away. I felt quite foolish. then she came back and grabbed my hand, kissed me briefly and fled. She was pretty classy yet awkward, so I think with her, I moved in a bit early. I suppose you have to pay attention to the body language and other signals, if a first date kiss is going to blow over well.

 

Now that hand holding thing.. Scratch that from your repertoire of first date moves man! Kissing is objective, but Nobody has a hot and heavy hand holding session at a party after too much jungle juice.

 

Appreciate you taking the time to tell me how it went for you. Hand holding is out for now. This kissing thing has been bothering me all week. I went on a date tonight with a beautiful girl. She was fun and talkative and when it was time to leave I really wanted to kiss her, and I felt like she was looking at me like I should. And I reserved myself and kissed her on the cheek and walked away. I felt like I really dropped the ball. She was waiting for me to kiss her!!! Ugh, I feel so stupid now! I feel embarrassed and I am a pretty solid guy most of the time and very aggressive. But all this talk about not holding hands or kissing had me walking into this date convinced that it would not be appropriate and I'd keep more to myself. Hope I didn't mess it up with this one too : / At least I am out there practicing.

[notalady]

You are completely correct. I've been looking at this all wrong. I can't argue with you. You make all valid points. What I can say, is it is expensive to be the guy. I just went on a date tonight with a different girl for "A drink" and that turned in to $90.

 

You're spending too much money. Including when you said you bought concert tickets for you and a date. Try taking a friend to those kinds of things.

 

Try keep first dates / meets cheap as possible. A cup of coffee for example. Or one or two drinks. Know when to stop, leave both of you wanting more and set up a proper date after that (or maybe you don't, so neither wasted more time or money on the first date).

 

Second dates, picnic maybe, walk in the park, maybe lunch, maybe go to a museum, maybe a drink or two. The focus is getting to know each other, so try not to spend so much money and don't get drunk.

 

But if the woman doesn't at least offer to pay on the first two dates, I wouldn't bother seeing her again. I can't imagine how you could've spent $90 on drinks if she had offered to pay for some of those drinks? Or did she offer and you were being polite? It's good to let the other person pay after you've paid once or twice already. Or did you guys go too crazy and both spent a lot of money?

[Lion-Guy]

That will be the goal from now on notalady. Only one girl on any of these dates has offered to split the check. The girl tonight made no offer. 4 drinks and 2 aps. Great conversation, good connection, walk around the city, try to walk her to a different place, she tells me she can't be out late bc she needs to go let her dogs out that have been inside all day, I change course and walk her to her car and hug her goodnight. I need more low investment dates. Coffee. One drink. A lollipop Something to get to know the girl before spending so much money on them.

 

I found it funny that the girl I brought to the concert, was literally asking me 2-3 days ahead of what I had in mind for our second date. As if, it wasn't good enough she would decline it. The other girls have not been that way at all, but that girl was prying. That was a real turn off, but I wanted to go to the concert anyway. Especially since the Asian girl declined ; /

[notalady]

Appreciate you taking the time to tell me how it went for you. Hand holding is out for now. This kissing thing has been bothering me all week. I went on a date tonight with a beautiful girl. She was fun and talkative and when it was time to leave I really wanted to kiss her, and I felt like she was looking at me like I should. And I reserved myself and kissed her on the cheek and walked away. I felt like I really dropped the ball. She was waiting for me to kiss her!!! Ugh, I feel so stupid now! I feel embarrassed and I am a pretty solid guy most of the time and very aggressive. But all this talk about not holding hands or kissing had me walking into this date convinced that it would not be appropriate and I'd keep more to myself. Hope I didn't mess it up with this one too : / At least I am out there practicing.

 

You need to learn to gauge the individual's body language more rather than trying to apply some arbitrary rule. Some might want to be kissed after a date or two, some might not.

 

I'm pretty sure after my first meet with my boyfriend (lunch during work hours), I shook his hand lol... he must have thought that didn't go too well. I always shake hands. Maybe a hug good bye if the other person initiates it but I never do with people I don't know well.

 

Second date (or first date depending on how you see it) was a proper dinner and at the end of the date, his body language and where he was standing looked like he wanted to lean in for a kiss, I leaned back slightly, indicating that I wasn't ready for a kiss yet. So he didn't even try. On the end of the third date, I felt really warmed up to him and he did kiss me at the end.

 

I wouldn't read too much into whether you kissed on the first date or two or even three. Someone who is interested in you don't just become uninterested just because the guy didn't kiss them on the first date or two. Again, there is no magic number. Focus more on individual interaction, showing interest, talking, laughing, whatever. When it feels right, go in for a kiss.

[IAmFCA]

Body language can be a challenge to interpret when meeting someone new. Don't beat yourself up. Just ask her out.

[abitbroken]

You are completely correct. I've been looking at this all wrong. I can't argue with you. You make all valid points. What I can say, is it is expensive to be the guy. I just went on a date tonight with a different girl for "A drink" and that turned in to $90.

 

Where are you going that you are spending $90??? My guy met me somewhere that was charming and cool - but very inexpensive. He did not park nearby so I would also not see what kind of car he drove. if you are spending $90 on a date that is meant to be a "get to know you" date - you need to switch your venue. Find a really cool and cute historic metal sided diner, a coffee shop near the artdoor art festival that is going on that day,an awesome dessert place, the cafe at the museum etc - somewhere to talk. Find out about what she likes to do and maybe subsequent dates could be tailored more towards that. The first few dates should not be a lot of money - it should not be the pricey martini lounge or steakhouse. And sensible women learn to mirror their dates. If the guy orders a $12 meal, she avoids the steak and lobster and gets something that is that price or less. You can also 'steer" a date. If you go somewhere and have a pricey drink, talk about going to the cafe next door next because they have a poetry slam or musician and move on to the next place.

[agent1607307371]

I'm white and 34, and someone trying to hold my hand so much on a first date would put me off so much. Especially if they were "aren't you going to hold my hand then" about it.

[notalady]

I'm white and 34, and someone trying to hold my hand so much on a first date would put me off so much. Especially if they were "aren't you going to hold my hand then" about it.

 

Having said that, one guy I dated went for hand holding on the fourth date (no physical contact really before that), when we were hiking. It was pretty cute actually. So....depends on the date and context and atmosphere.