why is she lying? did she cheat?

[nohoper]

So I went traveling with my girlfriend for 3 weeks in Africa. Then I went home and she went to visit a female friend of hers, who's working there for 3 years for a further week. They went to a town half way between where we ended our holiday and where her friend lives, a flight for both of them.

 

So their week ended and her friend went home on the Sunday, my girlfriend organised her flight for the next day meaning she had to stay another night alone there, flying home on the Monday.

 

Her phone charging cable had been damaged as we traveled around so her battery was at a premium. She chatted to me briefly on Facebook the day her friend left and said she'd keep some battery for saying goodnight to me. We face timed for a while at 10pm her time 8pm mine and she said she was going to sleep shortly, that she had been travelling all day and had 24hrs almost constant flying ahead of her (3 connecting flights with 2 hours between each)

 

In terms of time difference she was only +2hrs. I was surfing away online and sent her a couple of links via messenger that evening which obviously didn't deliver as she "had no battery". Next morning on the way to work i opened messenger which said my message had been delivered, the time difference was such that I thought she might be up out of bed, 930 am her time, 730 am mine. It said she had been active 4 hours earlier, 530 am. I got suspicious (poisonous thinking) and did some snooping (not proud). I logged into her Facebook account and saw in her activity log that she had been online at that time.

 

When she got home i slipped into the conversation in a joking tone a question about not being surprised she was tired after pulling an all nighter before she left. She totally denied this saying she had fine to bed shortly after she got off chat with me and that she slept really well and hadn't woken up. She's a heavy sleeper, a bomb could go off and she'd keep snoring and she's never the type to wake up in the middle of the night.

 

Coupled with this is her lack of affection and intimacy towards me. We still haven't had sex since she came back 3 days ago. There is definitely something up, this is not like her, we were at it like rabbits while we were away.

 

Why is she lying? Am I reading too much into this? Granted I shouldn't have snooped on her phone but I had a very strong gut feeling there was something not right...

 

Head is officially melted at this stage....

[beternal]

Did you look at her messages WHILE she was on facebook? I'm not condoning this, it's a very slippery slope... it can lead to all sorts of suspicions and insecurities, clinginess etc.

 

I agree, it doesn't look good but it could just be that she's tired, settling back in to being back, life hasn't quite caught up with her etc...might even be on her period or something! I don't know... But you're right, it could be more!

 

I guess what you could do (what I would do) is quiz her on stuff. Play the interested boyfriend card and ask questions about what she did while she was away, where they went, any gossip from her friend etc. If she struggles/hesitates when answering or looks like she doesn't know (given how much girlfriend typically are known to talk when alone together!), then you might have cause for concern. Ask for some pictures of the two of them when out!

 

*Personally* I'm 70:30 for it being nothing. I know there are girls out there that would sleep with someone on a holiday, but not the nice ones, particularly if they're in a relationship, and especially because long-distance relationships built on a holiday fling are REALLY unlikely to work out.

 

She might just have logged in once, checked stuff and rolled over to go back to sleep and thought nothing of it.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? Do you think she cheats when she's home? Why so suspicious, because no sex for 3 days? still haven't had sex since she came back 3 days ago. There is definitely something up, this is not like her, we were at it like rabbits while we were away.

[nohoper]

I should have mentioned in the op that I told her that I saw she was online at 530. She said she had been using her friends phone to log in sometimes while she was away due to her wire being broken. She said "it could have been ..... accessing Facebook thinking it was her account" to which I said "would she be up at 530?" to which she replied "no". The she said "that's weird" and buried herself in her phone.

 

I smell a rat

[nohoper]

Dating 16 months, living together for 6, I'm 35 she's 37. Believe me, we have sex almost every day, that's not like her.

[beternal]

Yeah again, it doesn't look good... but then again it is possible. Maybe her friend is a light sleeper and checked her phone getting up for the bathroom at 5:30?!

 

...as for logging on at random times, well my mum got her *Happy New Year* txt today, so things can often go astray.

[nohoper]

It was definitely her online, I checked her last calls and there was a missed Facebook messenger call at that time on that day, I tested if it could be done when the phone was off and it doesn't register a missed call, she was online

[DancingFool]

If I came back from a trip and my bf started questioning me like that.....you are dang right I'd cut off sex because I'd be busy rethinking our relationship, NOT because I met someone else or cheated, but because my bf is acting unhinged, controlling, and has invaded my privacy in a way that is grounds for being dumped with extreme prejudice....oh and all without cause or reason.

 

Dude, that was really long winded way of saying you are totally off your rocker, get a grip and apologize to her.......assuming it's not too late....... like so far off your rocker I wonder if this is a troll post........smh.....

[nohoper]

Yeah, if you think so. I know my girlfriend. Cause? She validated the only time I've ever checked up on her by lying to me. She's been away for a month or more at times during our relationship and I haven't got this feeling, I trusted my gut and it proved right, she bare faced lied to me.

[butterfly45]

I can't understand why, if you're going to snoop anyway why you didn't read her messages? That would have at least given you something concrete to go on.

[Wiseman2]

Vacations can do that.

we were at it like rabbits while we were away.

]

[nohoper]

Of course I checked her messages, if you're going to go down the snooping road you have to go the whole hog.... there were none that you'd call "incriminating". The missed call was from a guy she'd met over there but I don't think it was him cause she ignored all his other messages from what I could see. Look, she lied to me, that's enough in my book, you can call me off my rocker or whatever but you don't lie of you've nothing to hide

[nohoper]

We're like rabbits ALL the time, the sex is amazing.... it's nearly been 2 weeks now since we had sex, THAT'S the point, the 3 days are since she GOT BACK...

[Jibralta]

I think you're jumping to conclusions. Sometimes time stamps get screwed up.

 

If she had a history of lying and inappropriateness with other men, I could see how you might conclude cheating. But that's not what you present here. It's just one or two anomalies that you're stuck on, which in the life of 30-somethings should amount to a hill of beans.

[nohoper]

I get what you're saying, but the fact that she lied to me three times about it should give some indication of her mindset, no? If something is innocent you don't lie about it! What makes people want to hide things? Guilty conscience? If there was nothing to hide why was it being hidden?

 

 

I think you're jumping to conclusions. Sometimes time stamps get screwed up.

 

If she had a history of lying and inappropriateness with other men, I could see how you might conclude cheating. But that's not what you present here. It's just one or two anomalies that you're stuck on, which in the life of 30-somethings should amount to a hill of beans.

[Scoe141]

You've known her for over a year. During that time has she ever done anything to breach your trust? If the answer is no, then I'm afraid you need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Time zones, lack of sleep, traveling, SOCIAL MEDIA: all of this is recipe for lapse of memory and mind.

 

Ask yourself, is there anything on your conscious that's leading you to investigate hers?

[Jibralta]

If something is innocent you don't lie about it! What makes people want to hide things? Guilty conscience? If there was nothing to hide why was it being hidden?

 

I understand that, and I mostly agree. I just think that at this point, drawing any conclusion about the cause is probably premature. By all means, stay alert for other strange occurrences. But also be open to the possibility that there was a glitch somewhere in cyberspace with the time stamp. Or she forgot. Or maybe it was something that wasn't cheating, that she doesn't want you to know about.

[Wiseman2]

Is this the heart of the matter that induced all the paranoia and wild detective work?

We're like rabbits ALL the time, the sex is amazing.... it's nearly been 2 weeks now since we had sex, THAT'S the point, the 3 days are since she GOT BACK...

[nohoper]

Ask yourself, is there anything on your conscious that's leading you to investigate hers?

 

I'm not projecting

[nohoper]

Is this the heart of the matter that induced all the paranoia and wild detective work?

 

No, because it's the fact that I asked her the day she got back in the car on the way home did she do anything the night before she left (like go for a drink or a meal) and she said she slept...

[Scoe141]

Since the subject is still fresh, don't ask her indirect questions. Girls often hate that. Ask her direct questions. "Did something happen? Did you cheat on me? Did you bring me back a boomerang or didgeridoo?"

[boltnrun]

So in the entire trip she had ONE night alone and you think she used that one night to cheat on you? And you're basing this on her logging into Facebook???

 

That's quite a leap.

[yatsue]

Now before you wrongly accuse your girlfriend of cheating, know that facebook activity times are inaccurate. I've had people messaging me because they thought I was online when I wasn't. Facebook said I was on it, even when my computer, phone and myself were asleep! Which also happened with my boyfriend. If he started accusing me of cheating or even hinting at it over nothing but this, then it would be a lot more trouble brewing than no sex.

 

Let it go.

[Hollyj]

So in the entire trip she had ONE night alone and you think she used that one night to cheat on you? And you're basing this on her logging into Facebook???

 

That's quite a leap.

 

This is too much!!!!!

 

OP, I think you should tell her that you hacked her account. She has the right to know what kind of guy she is dating : suspicious, insecure and untrustworthy. You had no right going into her account.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. With a bunch of devices and options and syncing and chat, etc. it's a very common issue: before you wrongly accuse your girlfriend of cheating, know that facebook activity times are inaccurate. I've had people messaging me because they thought I was online when I wasn't. Facebook said I was on it, even when my computer, phone and myself were asleep! Which also happened with my boyfriend. If he started accusing me of cheating or even hinting at it over nothing but this, then it would be a lot more trouble brewing than no sex.Let it go.