XXpeepsXX Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 My boyfriend has just buried his brother yesterday. All week he has shut me out. Yesterday he was gone for 8hrs without a text or call to say he was ok,when he finally come home I was furious with him. He has been very down and for all i know he could have done something bad to himself. You see in a few days its my sons birthday,he would have been 28, he killed himself 6yrs ago,so Iam feeling fragile myself. I have been there for my boyfriend,making sure he eats,cuddles and telling him how much he is loved. I have given him space. I am now sleeping in the spare room as we not talking now. I feel bad and selfish that I had a go at him but I have been so worried about him. I even got on at him about his ex being there for god sake. I wish I could take it all back,I don't know what to do. We have been together for year and half and engaged. I love him so very much. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Ok, so you know what death is. Now if someone had ripped you a new one on the day you buried your son what would you have done? Start from there. Absolutely no one ever does get over the death of their child, not ever, but it was not yesterday. I am so sorry for both your losses. Link to comment
j.man Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 You ****ed up. Give him space. Probably best not to say a word to him unless he comes to you, and be OK with the fact it may be awhile. I honestly have no idea how I'd react if my brother had died and I came home the next day to my girlfriend shouting me out. It'd probably mark the turning point even after I'd caught my bearings. Absolutely unfathomable. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Apologize sincerely and focus on his loss, not yours right now. Just be there and let him come to you in his own time in his own way. Don't be reactive, no matter what this brings up for you. I wish I could take it all back,I don't know what to do. We have been together for year and half and engaged. I love him so very much. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 My boyfriend has just buried his brother yesterday. All week he has shut me out. Yesterday he was gone for 8hrs without a text or call to say he was ok,when he finally come home I was furious with him. He has been very down and for all i know he could have done something bad to himself. You see in a few days its my sons birthday,he would have been 28, he killed himself 6yrs ago,so Iam feeling fragile myself. I have been there for my boyfriend,making sure he eats,cuddles and telling him how much he is loved. I have given him space. I am now sleeping in the spare room as we not talking now. I feel bad and selfish that I had a go at him but I have been so worried about him. I even got on at him about his ex being there for god sake. I wish I could take it all back,I don't know what to do. We have been together for year and half and engaged. I love him so very much. You are extremely self centered and selfish. His brother just died. His world has fallen apart. He doesn't have the emotional or mental ability for a text right now. If the ex went to school with him and the brother or something - the ex is there not because he invited her but to pay respects. its shocking when someone young adn your own age dies and funerals for young people tend to bring people out of the woodwork - every former classmate, coworker, siblings and parents of friends. You need one big fat reality check. knock it off. You don't love him very much, because you would have understood - just comforted him like you did and expected NOTHING in immediate return because that is what good relationships are like. You really blew it. Don't expect him to come around anytime soon. Oh boo hooo you feel so fragile. When someone is breaking, its up to the other one to be strong and it was your turn and you did the "what about me" garbage. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 You see in a few days its my sons birthday,he would have been 28, he killed himself 6yrs ago,so Iam feeling fragile myself. I have been there for my boyfriend,making sure he eats,cuddles and telling him how much he is loved. I have given him space.. It seems that you may have thought you were entitled to the same comfort you were offering? Fair enough BUT, everyone deals with grief and giving comfort differently. You can't measure this the same as how you might have handled it. After all he is not you. You've been hard enough on yourself. Just give this some time to cool off and give him the space he is requiring. I am sorry about your son, but this is his moment. It looks like there isn't enough condolences to go around for both of you right now. It must be a very hard time. Once your head is clear and he's in a receptive mood just talk to him. Link to comment
surfdiva Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 My boyfriend has just buried his brother yesterday. All week he has shut me out. Yesterday he was gone for 8hrs without a text or call to say he was ok,when he finally come home I was furious with him. He has been very down and for all i know he could have done something bad to himself. You see in a few days its my sons birthday,he would have been 28, he killed himself 6yrs ago,so Iam feeling fragile myself. I have been there for my boyfriend,making sure he eats,cuddles and telling him how much he is loved. I have given him space. I am now sleeping in the spare room as we not talking now. I feel bad and selfish that I had a go at him but I have been so worried about him. I even got on at him about his ex being there for god sake. I wish I could take it all back,I don't know what to do. We have been together for year and half and engaged. I love him so very much. First, I'm very sorry for the loss of your son, I couldn't even begin to imagine. I understand you're feeling vulnerable but right now it's not about you, it's about your boyfriend and HIS loss. He buried his brother, he needed time alone and away and he was entitled to that. And to give him a hard time about his ex being at the service??? Again, NOT about you and your insecurities. Yes, I'm sorry but you were very selfish to lash out at him. You need to give him some time and sincerely apologize. Hopefully, he can forgive you. Link to comment
Scoe141 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Unfortunately death is one of things life can't possibly prepare you for. No one will ever know how they will deal with until it happens to them. That being said, just give him space. When all is said and done, apologize to him for acting the way that you did, but don't focus too much on your behavior. At this time, it's all about your boyfriend and his needs. Wishing you both well... Link to comment
XXpeepsXX Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Thankyou for your reply. My post looks like am saying woe is me. I truly don't feel like that. My wonderful partner is my life and Iam disgusted in the way I acted. It was worry before sence. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Hopefully, he forgives you. Link to comment
Scoe141 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Thankyou for your reply. My post looks like am saying woe is me. I truly don't feel like that. My wonderful partner is my life and Iam disgusted in the way I acted. It was worry before sence. All good. No one goes through life saying all the right things. Live and learn! Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Maybe you should seek personal counseling. That might help you the most here. Hopefully he will forgive you, but if you only dated a year and a half, he could see this as your true colors. Link to comment
limichelle Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I'm so sorry for your loss and his. People react to grief differently and nobody likes to be shut out so I can see why you reacted that way. You took it personal when in reality it wasn't about you, you know this now which is good. I hope he can see you were trying to help. Lisa Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Really sorry for both your losses, but your son's death was six years ago - and therefore not quite as raw as a bereavement within the last week. (By the way, I've lost a family member to suicide, too, so I'm not just talking out of my ****!) There is a huge risk that you having a go at him under those circumstances will have killed his feelings for you, but I think you already realise this - and all you can do is start from where you are now. Perhaps the way to go is to write him a letter, laying out everything you regret and wish to take back, and apologising unreservedly. Let him know that you're there for him, whether that means giving him space or physical comfort. The rest is up to him; you need to appreciate that he has nothing to give at the moment, and this isn't about you. While you need support around the anniversary of your son, you will have to get it from outside the relationship; any demands you make on him right now are likely to push him even further away. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 You SHOULD feel bad! How dare you get so upset with him when his brother just died? This isn't about you, it's about him and how he has to deal with the death of his brother. My god you are selfish. I have had a child die, so I understand how you feel but you are so wrong about this. Apologize to him and make sure you mean it. Link to comment
ale2010 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Really?? Can't you hear yourself? His brother just died!! Give him space , I know it's hard to buried one of your family members i been through that When my grandma passed away when I was 14 I felt terrible and I still do because it's been almost 10 yrs Link to comment
butterfly45 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I'm just wondering why you didn't go to the burial with him? Did he ask you not to? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I'm just wondering why you didn't go to the burial with him? Did he ask you not to? Yes. This was very strange. If you are his fiance, unless only your boyfriend and a sibling of his went with no spouses, parents, etc, then you should have been there with his parents, the brother's girlfriend or wife, the best friend, etc, and grandparents. Link to comment
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