I have a date! First in four years I can explain!

[limichelle]

So I know, I know! The last thread was about taking myself out of the dating scene. I just feel like I need to meet people and get out there. It's not healthy for me to stay inside or run errands and have no plans on the weekends.

 

So I went on OkCupid and I messaged this guy I think is quite handsome but I was stumbling for a greeting. So I said "I'm not sure what to say so *insert witty line here*" I really didn't think I would get a response but he shortly responded back with a corny joke I'll never forget.

Him: okay here is something witty for you:

When the two antennas got married, horrible wedding, but best reception!

 

I thought this guy sounds fun!

 

So we have a date in two weeks. Better then Nine months later with that long distance "relationship " I had.

 

Well I wouldn't classify my meeting only twice with both sets of parents involved a date with my ex.

 

So it's been four years since I had a proper date.

 

I'm very honest on my dating profile about my circumstances because it helps weed out those who won't accept me for me.

 

You would be surprised how many of the guys on the site like that! I was! I didn't think honestly I was a catch. I mean I still live at home and my parents are protective and I'm on disability for mental health issues, oh and I don't drive! So yeah Red flags! Lol

 

Really I do have a lot to offer though as far as my personality goes.

 

Well, I'm nervous because the last person I dated was my ex who I was with for ten years! Although we didn't date the last three years of the relationship. So yeah I've been out of the game for four years!

 

My dad will be driving me to meet him and understandably it makes my date nervous. Although my dad is an easy going guy. Then he will drop me off and I'll spend the day at the zoo with this guy. I'll have my cell phone with me if I need to be picked up earlier if it's not going well for some reason. I'm hoping though it will go very well. We have been talking on the phone now for the past two nights and texting all day when he is at work. So I at least know I like him and can carry a conversation with him that's really nice.

 

However he and I don't know until the date. It's two weeks away because since my parents still treat me like a child and think I should get to know someone online for two weeks to see if I really want to meet that person. Argh! It's the situation I'm in and this guy is okay with it.

 

I guess I just lack the confidence that this guy won't want a second date. Which is silly because it works both ways. So as he tells me not to worry.

 

I don't know if it's my illness or what but I tend to worry about rejection more then most people. I think it's because of how much rejection has happened in my life.

 

Any advice before the big date?

 

Thanks guys!

 

Lisa

[Likeaboss20]

I say be yourself and be honest. That's the best way to be. Btw your greeting is awesome and his reply is adorable. He seems like a fun and easy going guy 👍🏼. I really hope it works out for you!!! Good Luck!!!

[Ms Darcy]

Out of curiousity, why do your parents dictate your online dating activity at age 34.

[Tinkyonks]

im going to go against what you may think.

 

i agree with being honest...unless that honesty makes you vulnerable. IMHO telling people on your dating site that you are vulnerable, because thats what this does, is not a good move.

 

you said "i'm not sure what to say..." this says "i lack confidence"

you said "i live with my parents" that says " i am not independent due to ?? issues"

you said "i have mental health issues" that says "i am vulnerable" (not because you have them, but because you have told people you have them AND live with your parents)

 

All of this suggests low self esteem, lack of independent living skills, need for someone to caretake them or take control where you are unable... what sort of guy is going to be attracted to this image of yourself? likely someone looking for a codependent vulnerable woman...right?

 

you said "i worry about a second date" YES of course you do because you are coming from an insecure place... if you date while feeling like this you will likely go out with any guy that shows you attention...that is thebig red flag for you!

 

you describe yourself as this and also as a "red flag". im so saddened by this.

 

I would really urge you to think about and take time to work on the most important thing here YOU. YOU need to focus on whats good about you, getting stronger and more independent, before you let anyone into your life.

 

i get that you want someone to like you for you, but you are describing only your vulnerablities... is that all you are? NO.... these are just a small part of you, i bet you have loads of other qualities, where are they in your profile? Where are they in your mind?

 

For you to find someone to like you for who you are, think about what you are showing them, do you want them to like/acceptyour vulnerabilities and for this to be the basis for the attracton? Or do you want to make your life better? Focus on the positive and they will get bigger... focus on all the negatives and that will get bigger, how do you want to define yourself, positively or negatively?

 

 

there are many narcissists out there looking for a codependent, someone insecure and vulnerable to complete them, that is a dangerous combination because they will say and do all the right things until they have you hooked, and then do a bait and switch on you.

 

A better way to find someone who will like you for who you are is to not reveal your vulnerabilities and talk to people over time, get to know them, and YOU decide if you like them.

 

i hope it works out ok for you, but please please be careful exposing yourself like this, theres lots of people that will take advantage of this.

[limichelle]

Thank you for your advice,

 

I can see where you are coming from. You are right there are plenty of narcissists that would take advantage of me. I also know that the information I provided was just a small disclosure type thing. I didn't want any surprises for anyone. I wanted them to like me for me. I did posts mostly my good qualities however.

 

I'm not meaning to be co dependant to someone it's just the situation I'm in. I can't afford to live on my own and I don't drive. It's just my parents are protective which is because I'm a grown up that can't live a normal life. Which is true, I really can't. So I do need a guy who is understanding that I'm different like that.

 

That doesn't mean I think less of who I am. I am embracing the facts about me.

 

You are right in that I need to work on my esteem and confidence.

 

I have a good feeling about this guy however. He balances me out and I doubt he is preying on my vulnerability.

 

It's just rejection is apart if life and I need more coping skills that if I get rejected it's okay.

 

I don't go for just anybody that takes notice of me though. I do weed out those I feel aren't suited, I'm picky.

 

Lisa

[Batya33]

This person is a stranger for all purposes who you are meeting for the first time to see if you should go on a first date in the future. You're way ahead of yourself and dating actually takes practice -so if you haven't been on a date in 4 years and you are this hyped up about it that might hurt your ability to be genuine and relaxed and give off good vibes when you meet this person. Also understand that many first meets get canceled/rescheduled especially this far in advance -anything can happen. I would not text him much until you meet in person, again because you seem way ahead of yourself with respect to this stranger.

If he cancels or doesn't ask you out on a real date after you meet he is not rejecting you. He doesn't know you enough to reject you anyway. He is simply choosing not to see you again or not to meet you - could be a whole variety of reasons but most likely not "rejecting" "you".

I do hope you have fun when you meet!

[Iggy5129]

Are you working on becoming an independent adult? I would be more focused on that then finding a relationship when you're in a dependent state of mind.

[Wiseman2]

Have fun. Smile. Laugh. Take pictures!

he will drop me off and I'll spend the day at the zoo with this guy.

]

[reinventmyself]

Also understand that many first meets get canceled/rescheduled especially this far in advance -anything can happen. I would not text him much until you meet in person, again because you seem way ahead of yourself with respect to this stranger.

!

 

Why the two week wait?

 

I agree with others. I don't consider the initial meeting a date. But seeing there is a plan in place that seems date-like, then that's what it appears it will be.

 

Something planned that far ahead is often easily cancelled.

 

I hope he comes through for you and I hope you'll come back and let us know how it went.

 

In the meantime be careful with your expectations, especially when it comes to anyone you chat with online.

[limichelle]

Thank you all! He doesn't get paid he said until after the 25th so he suggested the Saturday after. I did let him know that I could meet next Saturday and split the costs with him or we could meet up at a Starbucks just to meet you know.

 

Lisa

[abitbroken]

I'm very honest on my dating profile about my circumstances because it helps weed out those who won't accept me for me.

 

And what are those circumstances? You live with your folks and can't drive.

 

To increase your dating prospects, you should really get your license. Even so you could take the wheel in an emergency

And you should really at 34 after you do that look for a roommate situation or take on an extra job to move out.

 

You don't want to go on a date where you are trapped because you can't get in the car and go home but have to wait for you father.

 

You don't want to attract an abusive or unavailable man who feels he can control you because you don't drive and live in a little bubble or the unavailable man who is happy to have you because you can never accidentally run into him when he is on a date with someone else.

 

When I met my guy, I didn't have a car, but lived somewhere i could walk to the store and everything else I needed. I didn't write that on my profile! It came out on our second date when he suggested that we meet at a place halfway and I suggested somewhere in walking distance and then I explained on the date. He got a chance to decide whether he wanted to see me again or not before knowing all that about me. I did get a car not long after that. And I HAD had a car before - the situation was temporary.

[abitbroken]

It's just my parents are protective which is because I'm a grown up that can't live a normal life. Which is true, I really can't.

 

why not? Do you have a disability or a mental illness that prevents you from living a "normal life?"

[boltnrun]

Thank you for your advice,

 

I can see where you are coming from. You are right there are plenty of narcissists that would take advantage of me. I also know that the information I provided was just a small disclosure type thing. I didn't want any surprises for anyone. I wanted them to like me for me. I did posts mostly my good qualities however.

 

I'm not meaning to be co dependant to someone it's just the situation I'm in. I can't afford to live on my own and I don't drive. It's just my parents are protective which is because I'm a grown up that can't live a normal life. Which is true, I really can't. So I do need a guy who is understanding that I'm different like that.

 

That doesn't mean I think less of who I am. I am embracing the facts about me.

 

You are right in that I need to work on my esteem and confidence.

 

I have a good feeling about this guy however. He balances me out and I doubt he is preying on my vulnerability.

 

It's just rejection is apart if life and I need more coping skills that if I get rejected it's okay.

 

I don't go for just anybody that takes notice of me though. I do weed out those I feel aren't suited, I'm picky.

 

Lisa

 

WAY too much for a guy you haven't even met in person yet.

 

Tell us, are you already imagining yourself in a relationship with this man? Have you fantasized about how the two of you will be together?

 

It just seems like way too much way too soon. Setting expectations that sky high almost guarantees disappointment. Try to scale it back.

 

And I do hope you have a nice time.

[limichelle]

Hi,

 

Yes I do have a serious mental illness. I have my license but I can't drive I found out years ago due to dyslexia and my anxiety on the road.

 

No I haven't fantasized about us in a relationship because we aren't there and I haven't even gone on a date yet! If we like each other it will take many dates before we talk exlusivity. You know the natural progression of life.

 

I just meant from what I know so far about his personality he is more balanced then me. I still have more to learn if that's true.

 

As for moving out finding a roommate, I don't know anyone and I have it set for now where I am for now.

 

I can't work even a little job if I could I wouldn't even need the disability! I would have been a full fledged ultra sound technician by now. But you can only do what you can do in life, I have to be realistic.

 

Lisa

[Batya33]

You have a huge role in what you can do in life. See if you can connect with people who have disabilities and don't have your defeatist attitude - watch the film Murderball for example. I have a friend who is a quadriplegic for the last 20 years - she danced at mycseer 26 and was in her car accident in her late 20s. I saw her for the first time in decades a few years ago. She is a professional who helps people with disabilities - lives independently with her assistance dog and has a retrofitted car too. She's amazing. She also went through major depression after the accident. One example. I am not making light of your disability just suggesting that you not give in to the extent you are.

[Tinkyonks]

Hi,

 

Yes I do have a serious mental illness. I have my license but I can't drive I found out years ago due to dyslexia and my anxiety on the road.

 

No I haven't fantasized about us in a relationship because we aren't there and I haven't even gone on a date yet! If we like each other it will take many dates before we talk exlusivity. You know the natural progression of life.

 

I just meant from what I know so far about his personality he is more balanced then me. I still have more to learn if that's true.

 

As for moving out finding a roommate, I don't know anyone and I have it set for now where I am for now.

 

I can't work even a little job if I could I wouldn't even need the disability! I would have been a full fledged ultra sound technician by now. But you can only do what you can do in life, I have to be realistic.

 

Lisa

 

I hear what youre saying Lisa, but i still think you are looking for a caretaker or rescuer, just by the way you describe yourself.

 

Unfortuneatly if you see yourself as a victim of poor health, circumstance etc. then thats what you portray to others, 'someone that is unable to function independently and needs taking care of' - maybe you are happy being that way, and maybe you advertised that so you could find someone who 'fits' the role of carer?

 

I personally believe that its not great feeling like a victim. I think it stops you from enjoying so much that life has to offer.

 

Someone else suggested working on getting your independence back rather than dating? how does that sound to you? Have you ever been independent? Would you want to be?

 

All that said, I hope you have a good time.... but if it doesnt work out, try not to take it hard (but to NOT take it hard, you have to see yourself NOT as a victim)... if your self esteem is not in tip top form ANY slight rejection can be hard to take on, so dating is a tricky game if youre not in a great place yourself-hence why me and others are getting you to think about YOU and YOUR self esteem before putting yourself out there in the cold hard dating world full of knocks xx

[notalady]

Thank you all! He doesn't get paid he said until after the 25th so he suggested the Saturday after. I did let him know that I could meet next Saturday and split the costs with him or we could meet up at a Starbucks just to meet you know.

 

Lisa

 

I think a first meet sooner rather than later, just for coffee at Starbucks would've been a better idea than going to the zoo. That can be the next date (first proper date) if it happens. Meeting sooner and for shorter time and more casual (not committing extended period of time) helps prevent building up expectations and anticipation and therefore avoid disappointment.

 

I'm kinda concerned that he doesn't have money to at least go to the zoo without having to wait until the next pay check. How expensive are the zoos there? Or is he just living pay check to pay check?

 

I do agree with batya that it seems like you already formed some preconceived ideas about this person before you even met. I get that you said it's only from what you know so far, but as far as I'm concerned, you can't know if someone is balanced or anything about their personality at this stage other than "he seems funny", "he seems nice so far", "he seems confident in our communications". That's the depth of assessment I would be making at this stage. And would remind myself that I know nothing about his personality or emotional or mental health yet.

 

As for your disability, I really do feel for you, I can imagine how hard that would be to date and just life in general, when you have to rely on others. But I think you should still maintain a level of autonomy and independent decision making, and show your parents that you can indeed make your own decisions. For instance, why do they get to dictate how soon you meet the guy? What do they know about online dating really, to say you must wait two weeks and communicate online first? I would've explained to them that I think it's better to meet sooner, in a public place and for shorter period of time, just for a coffee, so that neither of us are investing time and emotions into someone who might not work out, also that talking without having met face to face is not the best way to get to know someone. Tell them that it's better to suss them out in person, of course ensure that it's a public place in the day for safety.

 

That was absolutely a decision you could've made without your parents interfering, do you see what I mean? I'm sure there are other things you could've done on your own. I think being more autonomous will help you feel more confident and build your self esteem, once you realise you are not as hindered by your mental illness as you thought you were.

 

As for disclosing the disability and living situation online, I'm of two minds about this. Yes putting it online will deter people who are not ok with it, but it also may attract the wrong people as some have pointed out. I think it's probably best to reveal that at the first meet (of course meeting asap, so you're not wasting building a connection with someone who may potentially not be ok with the situation). And more along the lines of, casually mentioning, in a "it's no big deal, that's just part of who I am" kind of way. Not in a "I'm so sorry I didn't mention it earlier, I hope this is not a problem for you" kind of way. Heck, if your disability isn't immediately visible, I would even wait till date 2 or 3 to mention it.

 

I think the benefit of that is, a) you're not showing people that you're not letting your disability define who you are, b) you get to practice and get used to meeting people and going on first dates more, since you so lack in experience, and c) avoiding people who target vulnerabilities.