No honeymoon stage, I don't know my partner.

[thornz]

Hi, just got smacked in the face by the most horrendous realisation that I don't really know my partner of 9 months.

 

There wasn't really a honeymoon stage as we only had about 5 dates before we became a couple, we have been spending a lot of time together lately and we have discussed moving in together is the next stage BUT I definitely am not ready yet and couldn't put my finger on why (other than the obvious short relationship period) until this morning.

 

It hit me like a brick in the face and had actually quite upset me. There is no intimacy in this relationship, we didn't really date and spend time learning about each other and I feel I'm not going to ever know him well as we never spend time together alone as a couple without distractions. I don't know his dreams, fears, what makes him happy, sad, angry. What he wants for the future, why he wants to live together, why he wants to get married, why he doesn't want kids, what is his favorite thing to do, what inspires him etc etc. He couldn't tell you those things about me either.

 

When we discussed moving in together he was very upset and I don't know why it means so much to him. We only really talk about the important things when we aren't seeing eye to eye and need to resolve things.

 

I messaged him saying when he gets back from his friends later we should do something together. I need to date my partner so we can get to know each other. I feel like we've skipped the most important part.

[missmarple]

You've been spending a lot of time together lately but you never spend time together alone? What do you do when you're together???

[pippy longstocking]

I think you are very self aware and very wise .... good for you ... you are right of course , after 9 months to not be able to answer basic questions about each other , yet to be on the brink of moving in together is indeed insanity .

 

You make sure you just carry on doing it your way .. some people just want to be in a relationship , want to move in , want to have children , want to just immediately be part of a couple , he sounds a bit like this ...happy to just move forward no matter what .

[Tanzi]

Duplicate post, sorry!

[Tanzi]

At 9 months you should still be in the honeymoon stage and spending a lot of time together and getting to know each other would be a part of that .... but you've never had that honeymoon stage, which tells me that this relationship lacks the necessary ingredients to be making such long term commitments.

 

To be honest, it doesn't sound as though your relationship has any spark to it and I personally don't think it would have mattered if you had dated longer before becoming exclusive or not. You aren't spending all your time together by living together at the moment so it shouldn't really be in this "rut" already. I don't think moving in together is the right move. As much as I hate to say it, your relationship sounds more like you fell into something because it felt like a good idea at the time as opposed to there being any real future to it.

 

After 9 months you should know a bit about each other by now. It doesn't matter what you do when you are together, it's the being together that counts .... but, in your case, it has accounted for much so far. It sounds like one or both of you are holding back.

[Batya33]

So ask yourself what benefits you have gotten from this relationship? Do you like being part of a couple and planning short and long term things? Telling others you are in a relationship? Is it more comfortable for you not having to share much of yourself?

[Tanzi]

Maybe five dates was too soon to decide to be a couple but it didn't have to stop you from going on dates or getting to know each other further.

 

I don't know his dreams, fears, what makes him happy, sad, angry. What he wants for the future, why he wants to live together, why he wants to get married, why he doesn't want kids, what is his favorite thing to do, what inspires him etc etc. He couldn't tell you those things about me either.

 

I don't think this has anything to do with what label you give your relationship. It has more to do how you two work (or rather don't work) as a couple.

 

I think you went into this relationship when either one or both of you didn't really know if it was what you wanted and you've continued to plod on with that mentality. Now you are thinking about moving in together because "it's the next stage". Call me old fashioned (which I probably am but I'd like to think that two people move in together because they see a long-term future together rather than it being the "next stage" in a relationship that lacked any "oomph" to begin with.

[Rising100]

This relationship lacks communication so what do you do together all the time? Talk about these things then, the things you dont know about him.

[SoulTaker]

There wasn't really a honeymoon stage as we only had about 5 dates before we became a couple, we have been spending a lot of time together lately and we have discussed moving in together is the next stage BUT I definitely am not ready yet and couldn't put my finger on why (other than the obvious short relationship period) until this morning.

 

When we discussed moving in together he was very upset and I don't know why it means so much to him. We only really talk about the important things when we aren't seeing eye to eye and need to resolve things.

 

Many times, the pace of a relationship is determined by the one with the stronger will. From your update, it looks like he pushed the pace of dating faster than you wanted to go. You went along with it to please him, but held firm when it came to living together. Good for you.

 

Living together after only 9 months is insane. Some people will never even consider it as an option. And if they do, it's only after a matter of years, and not months. Best for you to slow things down, and go at your pace. If he gets angry over you voicing your viewpoint, then you have to reassess your reason for being with him (not respecting your wishes). You don't know him well enough to determine if he's doing this for hidden reasons (financial issues, mental reasons, how he dates,...).

[thornz]

Hello everyone, thanks for your replies.

 

Yes I also believe it is insane to move in with somebody after 9 months. I think the 18 to 24 month mark is a reasonable point and you should know enough about a person by this time to decide if you can see a happy future with them.

 

Just to clarify, we do spend plenty of time together just not alone without distractions (like watching television) so we rarely talk about things I consider important and this leads me to feel we lack emotional intimacy. I do know plenty about him but they are the basics, nothing deep.

 

We went for a walk together and talked, we argued about moving in together, mostly my frustration at his inability to understand that at no point during the next few years of my career do I expect to be able to afford to rent in the expensive area he is insisting on staying in. He confirmed my suspicions that his frustrations stem from his prior long term relationship going nowhere after 3 years. He says we don't have to move in together straight away, he's happy to wait until I finish my degree but he wants to see progression in the relationship. I said there's more than enough progression already and that we have in fact moved too fast and missed out on all the fun of dating by getting serious too fast and enmeshing our lives. I confided that I felt our relationship lacked intimacy because we never discuss important things until they come to a head and in order to progress to moving in together we need to develop intimacy and date and get to know each other properly.

 

To those who suggest that I might not know what I want, no I do not and I do not expect to at this stage. We have different approaches, I feel he puts the cart before the horse! His aim is to settle down and marry and he is looking for the woman to do that with. I want to get to know him and won't marry unless meet somebody who is right for me. Never getting married doesn't seem like such a terrible outcome in comparison to rushing and marrying the wrong person.

 

To answer the question posed to me, what do I get from this relationship? I get a no nonsense sincere approach from a man who I admire for his assertive and open nature. I feel comfortable with him and see character traits that I feel compliment mine, from what I do know we seem to want similar things from life, type of house and lifestyle for example. He is affectionate and complimentary towards me. I love him, but more importantly I like him. I am proud to say he is my partner. I see enough in him to consider that our relationship might progress to a more permanent arrangement that we will both be happy with. I see potential for us to both be very happy and work well together BUT I have reservations about his motives for moving so fast (is this insecurity?) and we need to work on our communication big time!

[Ms Darcy]

It's telling that you say you see potential in you being happy together versus being happy together.

 

I would advise, again, that you two are actually incompatible given your very different approaches.

[thornz]

It's telling that you say you see potential in you being happy together versus being happy together.

 

I would advise, again, that you two are actually incompatible given your very different approaches.

 

I did just detail in a full paragraph prior to that, what about him makes me happy to be with him?! I have been elated to be with someone in the past but I never saw a future with them.

 

We may very well be incompatible, I see some issues that may arise but I also see many areas where we are compatible. It's hard for me to say one way or another when I feel I don't know him well enough to say for certain that we are compatible and that we will make things work and have a happy future. I don't know him well enough. I need to know more.

[thornz]

We did skip the fun part. I wouldn't describe my general feeling from this relationship to be happiness or fun, it's a feeling I can't describe and that I haven't felt before, predominantly I feel good, occasionally elated. I'm currently on medication for a depressive episode so overall I'm not feeling happy about much at the moment TBH. Being with my partner is one of the few things that I am enthusiastic about and that brings me joy.

[Ms Darcy]

At nine months, I think, if you do not know if you are compatible with someone, in general terms, that may speak more to lack of self awareness than needing to know more. For example, if you don't really know what you want, you might be in the same position a year from now.

[thornz]

At nine months, I think, if you do not know if you are compatible with someone, in general terms, that may speak more to lack of self awareness than needing to know more. For example, if you don't really know what you want, you might be in the same position a year from now.

 

I feel it stems more from not knowing enough about what he wants or why. I have an idea of the direction I would like the relationship to take but I'm unsure if he has the same ideas. I know we want the same for a house in future (to buy and renovate and increase value), that neither of us wants a baby but like older children. I don't know why he doesn't want children, or why he does want to get married. What kind of time frame he thinks is acceptable to get married etc. I know my time frames, I know my reasoning. Whether his align with mine is a mystery. I need to find these things out and now doesn't seem like too early to dig deeper. I told him we need to get more intimate, know each other better and have fun/date properly. He says after that talk he doesn't want to rush and force things and that he doesn't want to be interrogated he wants it to be natural.

 

I also have concerns about why he wants to live together so soon, it's feels like its coming from a place of insecurity and that he wants reassurance rather than because he's sure of a future with me. If I want to move in with someone it's because this is it, they're the person I want to spend my life with, not because I'm worried they'll strong me along or because it's convenient or cheaper. He's actually admitted in our later discussions that this is why he got so upset. I mentioned it to my counselor last night that this has cropped up a few times. She says everybody has insecurities, this is his and it won't go away, I just need to be aware of it and not get so defensive when it crops up, try to be sympathetic etc.

[Batya33]

Sounds like all of these questions can be resolved in a short conversation as long as the timing is right, you're both relaxed and both sober. Actually most can be resolved in one short question "What are your intentions towards me" and then do follow up specific questions. IMO if he hasn't given it much thought, or if he wants to evade the general question, you'll need more questions. If he has, you'll probably get all the information you need from that one simple question (and actually if he is reluctant to respond, that's helpful information too).

[thornz]

Sounds like all of these questions can be resolved in a short conversation as long as the timing is right, you're both relaxed and both sober. Actually most can be resolved in one short question "What are your intentions towards me" and then do follow up specific questions. IMO if he hasn't given it much thought, or if he wants to evade the general question, you'll need more questions. If he has, you'll probably get all the information you need from that one simple question (and actually if he is reluctant to respond, that's helpful information too).

 

I think he has given it lots of thought but we haven't discussed it in any depth and that is part of his frustration. We are just playing a guessing game.

 

I have been giving it a lot of thought the past few days and I think if I'm being honest I do have some reservations, aside from it being too soon. I think I shall mull it over a few more days (sometimes I can be a bit overly dramatic when I'm away from him as I have separation anxiety that goes away when I'm back in his company) to make sure it's a genuine concern and tell him how I feel about it.

[Batya33]

I had those doubts too when I was not with the right person -felt anxious/doubts when we were apart. When I was with the right person I think the security of the "rightness" basically eliminated that issue -I could carry him around in my heart without needing reassurance that we were ok.

 

I find that although those subjects are extremely important, in reality, if you're already connected and close they don't require an in depth conversation. The night I told my now husband that I was ready to try to conceive a child - yes we had discussed this before but actually not in great depth -just that we both wanted a child eventually - he said "well, do you also want to get married if we have a child (meaning, sooner than planned) and I responded "yes". That was it, entire conversation. We never discussed that basic agreement again, just had fun trying to conceive. When we got back together we had a short conversation right before about our intentions -I mean, really short -that we both intended for this to work out this time around (which we both understood meant marriage) and that we would be exclusive. Again, about a 90 second conversation about an extremely important, life-changing subject. Sure, you can have longer conversations -especially about specifics -that can be crucial and essential -but the basic "wanna be together, for better or worse?" can be really quick if you're both on the same page already.

[thornz]

I had those doubts too when I was not with the right person -felt anxious/doubts when we were apart. When I was with the right person I think the security of the "rightness" basically eliminated that issue -I could carry him around in my heart without needing reassurance that we were ok.

 

I find that although those subjects are extremely important, in reality, if you're already connected and close they don't require an in depth conversation. The night I told my now husband that I was ready to try to conceive a child - yes we had discussed this before but actually not in great depth -just that we both wanted a child eventually - he said "well, do you also want to get married if we have a child (meaning, sooner than planned) and I responded "yes". That was it, entire conversation. We never discussed that basic agreement again, just had fun trying to conceive. When we got back together we had a short conversation right before about our intentions -I mean, really short -that we both intended for this to work out this time around (which we both understood meant marriage) and that we would be exclusive. Again, about a 90 second conversation about an extremely important, life-changing subject. Sure, you can have longer conversations -especially about specifics -that can be crucial and essential -but the basic "wanna be together, for better or worse?" can be really quick if you're both on the same page already.

 

Thanks, this has been very helpful.

 

So you split up after deciding to conceive and then got back together?

 

My reservations come from him telling me from the start he is looking for a serious relationship and to get married and pushing to 'see progression in the relationship' but I feel that he is not willing to compromise a great deal.

 

I feel at this stage I'm more ready for marriage than he is but he's the one pushing for it. I feel like an accessory to his life rather than we are going to make a new life together that suits us both. He tells me that I'm giving mixed messages and I'm putting obstacles in the way of us progressing but the reality seems to me that he wants to have his cake and eat it without much regard for how moving to suit his requirements will negatively affect me.

 

Honestly it's got me quite upset. I'll have to tell him when I see him tonight about these doubts. I'm not sure what to expect or is we'll be together by this time tomorrow. I honestly don't know how to go about it. I have a terrible tendency to get defensive and aggressive when I'm upset. I don't want an argument just an honest discussion.

[Batya33]

You have control over your "tendencies' -if I can do that at 7am with a child testing my limits (after being up since 6am) you can too lol.

 

My husband and I were serious in the mid 90s, broke up and got back together 8 years later. I think we almost broke up for less than a day after dating about a year, but that was before we decided to try to conceive. I made a lot of sacrifices/compromises to be with him since we were long distance for much of the time after we got back together. You probably already know this but the compromises/sacrifices keep on coming so if you don't think you can amicably work out differences and listen well to each other then that's an issue that should be resolved before moving forward.

[thornz]

You have control over your "tendencies' -if I can do that at 7am with a child testing my limits (after being up since 6am) you can too lol.

 

My husband and I were serious in the mid 90s, broke up and got back together 8 years later. I think we almost broke up for less than a day after dating about a year, but that was before we decided to try to conceive. I made a lot of sacrifices/compromises to be with him since we were long distance for much of the time after we got back together. You probably already know this but the compromises/sacrifices keep on coming so if you don't think you can amicably work out differences and listen well to each other then that's an issue that should be resolved before moving forward.

 

Yes, thats exactly my thinking. If he is so unwilling to compromise for something he supposedly wants so badly then what kind of future do we have? I'm not willing to be the one to make the sacrifices all the time it's not fair. If I compromise on this to such an extreme then what next? The wedding, the house we buy, children. I will be living the life he wants and be miserable!

[thornz]

Well the chat came naturally, mentioned he was supposed to ring the estate agent about putting the house on the market but didn't get time. I took this as the opportunity to probe further. After talking calmly I got a better response from him that he's open to renting in a more affordable location that has job opportunities for both of us and he's willing to pay a bit extra himself we rent here and I commute. If we stay in his next house a while together he suggested that we could buy together but renting would probably be better. I feel a lot better now and that the talk was brief and productive : )

[Batya33]

Good news!

[rayfutz]

 

I don't really know my partner of 9 months.

 

There wasn't really a honeymoon stage as we only had about 5 dates before we became a couple

 

There is no intimacy in this relationship, we didn't really date and spend time learning about each other and I feel I'm not going to ever know him well as we never spend time together alone as a couple without distractions.

 

I don't know his dreams, fears, what makes him happy, sad, angry. What he wants for the future, why he wants to live together, why he wants to get married, why he doesn't want kids, what is his favorite thing to do, what inspires him etc etc. He couldn't tell you those things about me either.

 

I feel like we've skipped the most important part.

 

 

Ok, I read your other post on here about him putting the cart before the horse.. look... you make time to get to know eachother. Take interest! I dont believe there is no time without distractions. You dont watch tv together or drive down the road listening to music? What exactly do you mean by "no distractions" ?? There is always until the day you die going to be something to distract, unless maybe you invision talking to him in a meditation room. What kinda relationship is that if you are afraid to talk to your partner and ask him or her about their life, hopes, dreams, etc. Just start talking. If you look for the perfect moment and perfect time.. it will never come. And time will tick by where you are saying "I dont know this person"

 

As for him wanting to see the relationship progress, its understandable. He had a LTR prior to you, it didnt work out, and he basically in his mind invested 3 years into the woman but it went nowhere. Why I would wonder. Never the less, he also needs to show interest in you and want to get to know you if you are someone he seriously sees as a partner to move in with and marry one day. Its absolutely insane IMO that you know so little about the guy after 9 months, and are even talking about moving in together (or him bringing it up etc)

 

Yeah, talk to the guy. Simple as that. If you are into him, interested in his mind, WANT to get to know him, then make time and talk. After 9 months, if someone told me " I never asked much of anything about you cause there is always a distraction" I would take that as pure lack of interest. If you dont drive down the road in complete silence, then that means you are talking about something. If you are talking about something, how about make it about him

[Ms Darcy]

I feel a lot better now and that the talk was brief and productive : )

 

It's amazing what focused communication can do.