No honeymoon stage, I don't know my partner.

[thornz]

Ok, I read your other post on here about him putting the cart before the horse.. look... you make time to get to know eachother. Take interest! I dont believe there is no time without distractions. You dont watch tv together or drive down the road listening to music? What exactly do you mean by "no distractions" ?? There is always until the day you die going to be something to distract, unless maybe you invision talking to him in a meditation room. What kinda relationship is that if you are afraid to talk to your partner and ask him or her about their life, hopes, dreams, etc. Just start talking. If you look for the perfect moment and perfect time.. it will never come. And time will tick by where you are saying "I dont know this person"

 

As for him wanting to see the relationship progress, its understandable. He had a LTR prior to you, it didnt work out, and he basically in his mind invested 3 years into the woman but it went nowhere. Why I would wonder. Never the less, he also needs to show interest in you and want to get to know you if you are someone he seriously sees as a partner to move in with and marry one day. Its absolutely insane IMO that you know so little about the guy after 9 months, and are even talking about moving in together (or him bringing it up etc)

 

Yeah, talk to the guy. Simple as that. If you are into him, interested in his mind, WANT to get to know him, then make time and talk. After 9 months, if someone told me " I never asked much of anything about you cause there is always a distraction" I would take that as pure lack of interest. If you dont drive down the road in complete silence, then that means you are talking about something. If you are talking about something, how about make it about him

 

I do take interest and many times I get 'that's a strange question', or with some discussions I get thrown by an unexpected response. One conversation I suggested perhaps living together by next Xmas (this was last year), he replied oh no it won't be next year hun, I want to buy a place to renovate first. I was so shocked after him trying to get me to move in for so long, I didn't know how to respond. Then he starts showing me houses he wants us to rent. Very confusing.

 

I do try to talk to him when we are lounging in the living room but he usually complains that we are trying to watch TV. This is why I asked him to come for a walk with me to spend time properly together. Like you I feel it is insane to move in with someone you feel you don't know very well. I told him we should be getting to know each other, become intimate and then decide if it is right to move in together. I said I feel we need to talk more and communicate what we each want so that we aren't playing a guessing game and get frustrated when we realise we're not on the same page.

 

Since this chat he has been more forthcoming, he has told me a few little about his life. He has enquired as to my ideas about certain things and he gives more thorough responses when I ask him questions.

 

I feel it's a small but notable improvement

[thornz]

It's amazing what focused communication can do.

 

Yes it is amazing. I'm learning that. Communication has always been my weak point. Many things have happened since our talk, a plan is formulating that we both are excited about and will be a great opportunity and really a test of how we will manage challenges in our relationship. I think he is feeling more reassured that my wanting to wait isn't due to a lack of desire for something more committed. We have estate agents coming to value his house this weekend and we went to view a house he would like to buy and live in whilst renovating. We have discussed in more detail some of our individual goals and how we can accommodate each others goals whilst making progress in the relationship.

 

I've really felt a shift in the last few weeks, I feel we are becoming less like two separate people trying to cope with the needs of the other and more like we are learning how to see ways to achieve things as a team.

 

The communication thing, definitely need to keep working on that, said it before, no doubt I'll say it again!

[lostandhurt]

Many times people don't bring things up because the fear the answer they might hear and it might cause the relationship to end so they stay silent.

 

You had a great list of questions at the start of this thread so be sure to ask them when appropriate.

 

When fear is conquered and everything is out in the open the relationship can flourish.

 

Be brave and bring up topics you want to talk about. As far as why he wants to rush into something it may be that he is afraid of losing you to some other guy and wants to lock you down.

 

Once you get the conversations rolling nurture the communication so it stays alive and well. Remember men talk about half as much as women do so you might have to keep priming the pump...

 

Lost

[reinventmyself]

It's really good that you see improvement. Just keep working at it.

 

Just know that everyone has a different tolerance for intimacy and some people will create distance to avoid it.

I learned the hard way after a failed marriage and now I am always on the look out for someone that has the capacity to connect in an intimate level like you are seeking.

 

The last guy I dated, I dated for 3 months. During this time he shared a lot about himself and answered all my questions. No matter how much I prompted him, in the end he wasn't the least bit interested in learning anything about me. He just didn't get it. I did volunteer some things but that moment when have that exchange `show me yours and I'll show you mine' never happened with him. After 3 mo's I realized this man, to this day probably couldn't tell you my last name or how many kids were in my family. He just didn't have the capacity.

 

Another guy I dated got really uncomfortable any time I inquired anything personal about him.

In the end he was frustrated and upset that I didn't want a relationship with him. After all, he felt `he did a lot of things for me'

I shared with him that I couldn't have an intimate relationship with some one who not only did not want to be known. . he got weirded out if I tried to get too close.

 

I don't know how you have one with out the other. It took many years for me to understand this, but I get it now.

Good for you for catching on that something was missing before you went any further.

[thornz]

Many times people don't bring things up because the fear the answer they might hear and it might cause the relationship to end so they stay silent.

 

You had a great list of questions at the start of this thread so be sure to ask them when appropriate.

 

When fear is conquered and everything is out in the open the relationship can flourish.

 

Be brave and bring up topics you want to talk about. As far as why he wants to rush into something it may be that he is afraid of losing you to some other guy and wants to lock you down.

 

Once you get the conversations rolling nurture the communication so it stays alive and well. Remember men talk about half as much as women do so you might have to keep priming the pump...

 

Lost

 

I think you're onto something there, I have real issues opening up about how I feel (or even recognising what I'm feeling) due to my upbringing. The fear is that my concerns will be invalidated, ignored or used to hurt me, that if I bring up any issues I will be seen as a problem and abandoned. Also that sharing how I feel or that I have been hurt will instigate conflict. These fears were realised with my ex partner as he would threaten to leave me ( I followed him up the street crying, in my PJ's in the snow distraught that he would leave because I objected to his lack of respect for my personal space, the first time he left). He left many times as a control method when I brought up issues he didn't want to acknowledge or address. Eventually I figured out he never intended to leave and stopped reacting, this led to a stage of him denying there were issues and invalidating my feelings. When I got the courage to tell him that if I had issues then we had issues and it's wasn't fair to pretend there were no problems and I would leave if he didn't try to resolve them with me, we entered the phase of him blaming me for his behaviour, I told him we could start counseling or it was over and made no progress after months so I stopped the sessions with him and went on my own. This started the phase of aggression and physical threats. I ended it when he put his hands round my neck and made a motion as though to punch me in the face. So all my experience has taught me nothing good comes from sharing feelings and addressing issues. I'm having to relearn how to relate to people and it's very hard when all my defenses are screaming that I shouldn't share how I'm feeling, or that I should block out my feelings all together.

 

He's told me he doesn't want to 'waste time' if we're going nowhere, he's asked for assurances that I see potential in the relationship, he's told me that his last LTR didn't work out because they wanted different things. I suspect a proposal was made and declined.

[reinventmyself]

I think you're onto something there, I have real issues opening up about how I feel (or even recognising what I'm feeling) due to my upbringing. The fear is that my concerns will be invalidated, ignored or used to hurt me, that if I bring up any issues I will be seen as a problem and abandoned. Also that sharing how I feel or that I have been hurt will instigate conflict. These fears were realised with my ex partner as he would threaten to leave me ( I followed him up the street crying, in my PJ's in the snow distraught that he would leave because I objected to his lack of respect for my personal space, the first time he left). He left many times as a control method when I brought up issues he didn't want to acknowledge or address. Eventually I figured out he never intended to leave and stopped reacting, this led to a stage of him denying there were issues and invalidating my feelings. When I got the courage to tell him that if I had issues then we had issues and it's wasn't fair to pretend there were no problems and I would leave if he didn't try to resolve them with me, we entered the phase of him blaming me for his behaviour, I told him we could start counseling or it was over and made no progress after months so I stopped the sessions with him and went on my own. This started the phase of aggression and physical threats. I ended it when he put his hands round my neck and made a motion as though to punch me in the face. So all my experience has taught me nothing good comes from sharing feelings and addressing issues. I'm having to relearn how to relate to people and it's very hard when all my defenses are screaming that I shouldn't share how I'm feeling, or that I should block out my feelings all together.

 

He's told me he doesn't want to 'waste time' if we're going nowhere, he's asked for assurances that I see potential in the relationship, he's told me that his last LTR didn't work out because they wanted different things. I suspect a proposal was made and declined.

 

This is pretty enlightening, isn't it?

I can relate because for the most part of my adult life I had no voice and a similar upbringing and relationship style.

The good news is you can change that with practice. The change is very rewarding.

 

Are you in therapy? This is a great subject to work with a therapist on.

[thornz]

This is pretty enlightening, isn't it?

I can relate because for the most part of my adult life I had no voice and a similar upbringing and relationship style.

The good news is you can change that with practice. The change is very rewarding.

 

Are you in therapy? This is a great subject to work with a therapist on.

 

I see a counsellor but not a therapist. My doctor referred me for CBT so I will go for that soon. The counseling I have had has changed my life! I have found a website that does online CBT. I might try that

 

Did you see a quick change?