I'm not sure if I overreacted or not

[skittles88]

Hi so I've been dating this guy for about a month but we've been friends for a couple years so I know him pretty well. He has had this female friend that I've been uncomfortable with. She works with him and when he first broke up with his long term girlfriend they hooked up a few times. I've never pried into details about it but from comments he has made about her she ended it because she wanted commitment. She is 8 years older than him (in her 40's) and she has been single for awhile so she didnt want something casual. So they remained friends but would hang out just the two of them and then she joined his gym so they work out together a lot.

 

For nye I invited him to a party my friends were having. His family lives out of state and were visiting for the week so he said he had to see what their plans were first. A couple days later he said his father sisters and him were just going to celebrate at his apartment and told me to enjoy the party. I was disappointed because I wanted to spend nye with him but felt weird about asking if I could just hang out with his family. When I was at the party I texted a few friends including one of his sisters that I'm friendly with to wish them a happy new year.

 

The sister told me she was at a friend's house and I just had this gut feeling that he wasn't really with his family but with his other female friend. I was tipsy at this point so I texted him and called him a liar. He said that he was with his family but invited her because she didn't have any plans and would have been alone for new year's. I lashed out and said I didn't believe that they were just friends and said some mean comments. He told me that I was so off about the situation and I didn't know what I was talking about. I said I felt like he was choosing her over me and he said no I made plans to go to a party and he didn't want to leave his family and I'm acting like a jerk because he didn't want to leave his friend alone on nye. I was so frustrated because he has said things like that before that she doesn't have a lot of friends or go out a lot so he was just trying to include her but it feels like an excuse.

 

I just don't know what to think at this point. I know males and females can be friends but they are really close and used to hook up. She's not technically an ex but there was obviously feelings or an attraction there. We talked before about how I felt uncomfortable with her but he said he only thought of her as a friend and I had nothing to worry about it. I texted him after to apologize for yelling (although this was all through texting so it exactly yelling) and he said it was ok. But I'm still not sure where to go from here. I obviously could have handled it better but I'm still uncomfortable with their friendship.

[rosephase]

It doesn't sound like you two are compatible in your values. While I think there is nothing wrong with being friends with an ex, the fact that he is hiding it from you doesn't sound good. You are only a month in. It doesn't sound like you are comfortable with his friendship and it doesn't sound like he is going to change his friendship for you... and that he is willing to hide it from you. That doesn't sound like a good match.

[j.man]

"Dating about a month."

 

Have you two discussed exclusivity? Is this the same guy who brought a co-worker he used to date to a Halloween party last year? The guy who didn't want to be in a relationship? Has that changed this time around?

 

You know that she's the type of friend (however anyone wants to interpret that) he'll bring around to social occasions. You take it or leave it.

[katrina1980]

 

For nye I invited him to a party my friends were having. His family lives out of state and were visiting for the week so he said he had to see what their plans were first. A couple days later he said his father, sisters and him were just going to celebrate at his apartment and told me to enjoy the party. I was disappointed because I wanted to spend nye with him but felt weird about asking if I could just hang out with his family. When I was at the party I texted a few friends including one of his sisters that I'm friendly with to wish them a happy new year.

 

The sister told me she was at a friend's house and I just had this gut feeling that he wasn't really with his family but with his other female friend. I was tipsy at this point so I texted him and called him a liar. He said that he was with his family but invited her because she didn't have any plans and would have been alone for new year's. I lashed out and said I didn't believe that they were just friends and said some mean comments.

 

Well your gut was correct, and the fact you have only been dating him ONE MONTH, I would have walked, exclusivity or no exclusivity.

 

This has been said so many times on this board, but these VERY early stages is when YOU evaluate whether or not HE is right for YOU.

 

The man flat out LIED to you about what he was doing NYE. He said his father, sisters and him were all going to hang out, BUT his sister was at a friend's house!

 

BUSTED.

 

Not only did he lie to you about that, he was actually with his EX!

 

Automatic DEALBREAKER.

 

Not to mention too much drama and BS for only one month in.

 

Yes you over-reacted. Next time forget lashing out, calling him a liar, etc...... just say goodbye, and WALK AWAY.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say but he blew you off and lied about it and defended spending nye with her. After only 1 mo of dating, it may be wisest to call it quits.

Hi so I've been dating this guy for about a month. He said that he was with his family but invited her because she didn't have any plans and would have been alone for new year's. I'm acting like a jerk because he didn't want to leave his friend alone on nye.

[Hollyj]

Lied, blew you off for the ex and didn't want to spend NYE together. Big red flag time!

 

Is this the same guy that told you that he did not want a commitment at the end of October?

 

You are one month in. I would be done!

[JaggerJim]

He took her to the party and left you behind. That's low.

 

You should dump him.

[katrina1980]

skittles, try and make this your goal for 2017.

 

When a guy acts like a d-bag, DON'T blame yourself, try to rationalize it and/or think you "over-reacted."

 

Wrong response.

 

You should focus on HIS bad behavior (LYING, would rather be with his EX) and at this early stage, you dump him.

[skittles88]

Yes we did say we were exclusive. Although maybe I should clarify, he was with his dad and his other sister (the one I didn't text). And it sounded like he invited her over last minute since she had no plans. But thanks for the responses, I want to believe that they are just friends but you guys are right.

 

And yes I know I shouldn't blame myself but i didn't like the way I reacted. I could have handled it better and be more calm

[Wiseman2]

It's not about her or defining their relationship. It's about blowing you off, lying and defending her and that decision. People handle being deceived and blown off different ways. You told him off, others would have just ended it, etc..

 

Either way, your instincts are telling you something is off so listen and don't rationalize or try to save what's not worth saving.

it sounded like he invited her over last minute since she had no plans.I want to believe that they are just friends but you guys are right

[katrina1980]

Yes we did say we were exclusive. Although maybe I should clarify, he was with his dad and his other sister (the one I didn't text). And it sounded like he invited her over last minute since she had no plans. But thanks for the responses, I want to believe that they are just friends but you guys are right.

 

And yes I know I shouldn't blame myself but i didn't like the way I reacted. I could have handled it better and be more calm

 

Well I trust you have solid proof he was with his dad and sister, and are NOT just taking HIS word for that.

 

Cause frankly the way I see it, his "word" is good for jack ****.

 

It "sounded" like he invited her last minute cause, poor thing, she had nothing else to do?

 

Sorry not buying it, I can spot BS when I hear it.

 

But I'm not the one dating him you are, so best of luck.

[skittles88]

Thanks Katrina...I'm definitely too willing to believe him so I needed that. My gut is telling me that something is off.

[Hollyj]

Yes we did say we were exclusive. Although maybe I should clarify, he was with his dad and his other sister (the one I didn't text). And it sounded like he invited her over last minute since she had no plans. But thanks for the responses, I want to believe that they are just friends but you guys are right.

 

And yes I know I shouldn't blame myself but i didn't like the way I reacted. I could have handled it better and be more calm

 

You didn't hear a word that was said. Is this the guy from October?

[ParisPaulette]

So he'll invite his friend who he's hooked up with to celebrate NYE with his family, but NOT his girlfriend?

 

There is seriously something wrong with that picture. Yes, you should have dropped him immediately. No questions asked. A month in this is how he treats you when you become a girlfriend, so I would just bow the heck out of that right now.

 

As to how you handled it, well I'm not sure there would be a better way than a simple, "This isn't working for me, goodbye." But I would probably have been angry too. I mean, a female FWB over a girlfriend? Something is definitely wrong with that picture.

[j.man]

I lack the sympathy other posters seem to have.

 

Thing is you've got like two years of on and off history with this guy, all of that time including this woman he's invited to social events. You know they hang out one on one. You even know she got a membership to his gym strictly to work out with him. There's no reason in the world he wouldn't invite her over for New Years if she were otherwise going to be alone. They're [supposedly] friends.

 

My point isn't that he's definitely telling the truth. Whether or not he and her were together with his family isn't verifiable and ultimately comes down in trust. Rather, my point is that you've put yourself in a position to where that could be the truth and he would have done nothing wrong. You've accepted these boundaries. You have no place going off on him.

 

Very, very, very few of us would be cool with this. But very, very, very few of us would get involved with someone we knew insisted on remaining close to a former FWB.

[katrina1980]

 

You have no place going off on him.

 

100% agree with this.

 

She should have just ended it with ZERO drama.

 

A quick text -- "This isn't working out for me, wish you the best, good luck."

 

After only a month in, that's all the explanation needed.

 

I think she realizes this now, hopefully.

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself. My private rule is that I won't mess with anyone who's still involved with a past lover in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. You're learning why.

 

Next guy who seems fabulous but still has entanglements with anyone he's slept with? Skip him.