Need your help to save my marriage! please

[FloatingAnchor]

I've been emotionally unfaithful and my husband found out. I know I'm totally in the wrong and there is no excuse. This is the second time that he has caught me (first time was 3 years ago with the same person, an old ex). It has only been emails, no phone calls or meet ups. I'm working through my own demons as to why I keep doing this, but I absolutely want to do everything I can to save my marriage, especially as we have a young child.

 

Even before this, we have had communication problems, and I've suggested marriage counseling, to which he refused. We have each had our own thoughts about divorce, but never seriously. I need to know if there is anything I can do now to help my chances. He is still processing everything. It worries me that he is extremely calm, as if he's detached already. He does say that he wants to talk about it with other people to get their thoughts, including my family. He will tell his family, but he also wants me to tell my parents (my mom currently lives with us to provide child care). Obviously, that will be extremely difficult for me, but I'm willing to do what it takes.

 

He's already talking about trying for full custody of our child, so I am extremely worried. He's only told his sister so far, but I've thought about emailing his sister to plead my case (we are not very close, but friendly). Is this a bad idea? I've already expressed remorse, but of course, it's no defense. Please, does anyone have any wisdom on what I can do?? I'm desperate.

[dave_1966]

Don't contact his sister, this is between you and him and a professional counsellor. Do your best to keep it that way. However, in his shoes and the fact you've done this before, I'd be detaching also.

[Clarisse]

The best way to save your marriage and show your husband that you're serious about changing is to fix yourself. The first and most important step is to break off all contact with the ex. Tell him that you made a horrible mistake and are now investing yourself in your marriage as you should all along. Then, get yourself into therapy to find out why you were so fixated on your ex, read books about infidelity to understand your choices and why you thought betraying your husband was okay (twice). Share your discoveries about yourself with your husband and he may see that you're worth another chance. Even if he doesn't and decides to leave, you will still be a better partner in your next relationship.

 

Oh, and don't contact the sister. This is between you and your husband. Believe it or not, being cheated on is often very shameful to the betrayed partner. It's up to him to tell people and seek advice. If need support, talk to your own friends and family. Talking to his family is manipulative.

[Capricorn3]

You've been talking about this guy (ex) since 2008. That's eight years.

 

This is the second time that he has caught me (first time was 3 years ago with the same person, an old ex). I'm working through my own demons as to why I keep doing this,

You need to see a counselor/therapist, or go to marriage counseling (on your own) to help you work through your issues and figure out why you are so fixated on this guy. The only way to save your marriage is to show your husband that you are willing to do what it takes to make things right - that you will see a professional counselor to help you work on your issues. If he sees you are making an honest effort, he MAY decide to stay, but there is no guarantee he will want to stay, and that will be his right, as not many people would stay after being cheated on twice. Once trust is broken, it very rarely ever comes back, and without trust, you have nothing.

 

Do NOT discuss this with his family. This is between you and him.

[Lester]

"Is this a bad idea?"

- Yes.

 

"...what I can do?? I'm desperate."

- You have to love your husband.

[lostandhurt]

Capricorn is right, you have been obsessed with this ex since before you married your husband. You want him to admit he still has feelings for you, that he was wrong to break up with you and on and on.

 

This is all on you, not your husband.

 

Now how to save your marriage.

 

First off you cheated all on your own so you can certainly get help all on your own. That means you make an appointment today with a therapist so you can figure out why you would ruin your marriage for some guy that dumped you 8 years ago! Marriage counseling can come later AFTER you have worked on yourself and shown your husband you are serious about repairing the damage you have caused.

 

Remember your words mean nothing to your husband because you have lied so many times before. You need to show him you have learned, grown and changed before he will lower the wall he has built to protect himself from you.

 

I think admitting what you did to your mother is a good step, it makes it real and out in the open instead of hidden and secretive. Strange what some people will do if they think no one will find out...

 

Lost

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

Nothing you can do but wait. It's HIS decision.

 

The fact that he has been through this TWICE probably makes it that much harder on him.

I wouldn't contact ANY of his family if I were you, it will only reflect negative on you. And how do you mean "plead your case"? Try and justify what you did? Doesn't make much sense to me and most likely they won't see your side.

 

Also, don't try and use your child as leverage. It doesn't excuse what you did. It might have helped to think of the kid while you were talking to the ex.

[browser]

The best way to show him that you care about him and his wants and needs is to put them ahead of your own. Possibly for the very first time.

 

Give him what he wants. Perhaps he'll change his mind when he sees you're willing to respect his wishes. If he doesn't, well then at least you can live with knowing you acted in a very unselfish manner towards a man you have caused extreme emotional grief and stress because you did not respect your marital vows.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but this is not a matter for extended family. They are not an impartial jury. This is between you two. Are you friends with your ex? How did he catch you and what are the nature of these emails?

 

If he is talking about custody, he may have already contacted a divorce attorney. However it seems whenever problems escalate you both threaten divorce regularly. Why is that? How does this conflict and chaos benefit your child?

 

Divorce may be the best solution, since he doesn't want marriage counseling. Not because you email your ex but because you don't get along.

 

Sorry to say but this is not a viable marriage. Was it forced or arranged?

This is the second time that he has caught me. I've suggested marriage counseling, to which he refused. We have each had our own thoughts about divorce, but never seriously. He's already talking about trying for full custody of our child, so I am extremely worried.

[Unreasonable]

Why do you want to save it? The only reason I've seen so far is you have a kid. You don't sound like you get along and your actions say you don't love him. Do you you not want to be inconvenienced?

 

Do you want your kid growing up around a miserable sham of a marriage? It won't bode well for him...

[FloatingAnchor]

Thank you for all the comments. The marriage was neither arranged nor forced, but probably rushed. We were actually making some progress resolving our differences and got along the majority of the time. We both were optimistic and making plans for the future. I do care about my husband, despite what my actions imply, and want to salvage the marriage for other reasons besides our child. I accept full responsibility for everything.

 

I was actually doing fine after the incident 3 years ago, but we moved and are now in the same city as the ex, and some emails started after a chance meeting. There was nothing physical but the tone of the emails was inappropriate. We will move away in a few months (unrelated reason). I am taking steps to get individual counseling as suggested here, and I will not contact his sister. Thank you for the advice. I'm open to hearing all opinions.

[Capricorn3]

some emails started after a chance meeting..

Have you deleted/blocked his email address yet? Got rid of it? You need to go full NC and stick to it. As long as the temptation is there, you will go with it.

[abitbroken]

You have proven that you don't deserve a second chance if your ex emailed you after a chance meeting. To create trust, you should have blocked emails from your ex and if you couldn't, changed your email address so there was no possibility of contact.

 

At any rate, the only thing I would ask my husband is that it is okay to talk to one friend or mentor before making a decision if he needs a sounding board, but please don't bring your family or his family into the decision process - that it should be between the two of you. You went outside the marriage yourself - but is polling the extended family really going to solve anything here?

 

Either you divorce and tell the family when the time is right to do so - and ask for their support for your child's sake that they don't talk about it or badmouth either of you - or you work things through. And maybe talk to a counselor if you decide to divorce - to help you best transition things for you child.

 

I don't see how a marriage can survive without trust - it was going fine, but you have proven that this will always rear its head