Should I be upset he doesn't want to live with me?

[Lovebroncos42]

Hi guys. So my boyfriend and I have been together for exactly a year now. We have a great relationship overall and really love each other and enjoy spending time together. Today he was talking about moving out of his place and finding a room for rent to move into. He knows I've been wanting to get out of my living situation, but hasn't suggested that we get a place together. He keeps suggesting that I look for a cheaper room to rent as well. A few months ago, my roommate asked us why we don't live together and I stood in silence waiting for him to say something. All he said is response to her was "you're pushing us ahead of schedule" or something like that. I haven't directly asked him the reason why because I'm afraid of the answer. & I don't want to seem like I'm the only one trying to push the relationship along. He's the type of person that would absolutely bring it up first if it was something he wanted. I'm scared that maybe he just doesn't see a future with me. Or maybe I'm just being silly and it just hasn't been long enough and he wants to make sure we're on the right track first. I've just never been in a relationship that has moved this slowly so it's making me really anxious about how serious he thinks this relationship is. Is it too soon for me to even be worried about this? How can I casually bring it up without it being weird or causing tension?

 

We're 25-27 years old if that matters

 

Also: the only reason I'm worried about this is because he's mentioned before that he's weird about marriage. We talked about it once in the very beginning of our relationship and he said something like "I could wake up a year from now and want to get married tmrw. Why are we talking about this now". And being married is something I definitely want in the future.

[mustlovedogs]

A few months ago would have been 8 months into the relationship. IMO, too soon to move in. I think a year is even a bit soon.

 

If you haven't talked about marriage, IMO it's too soon

 

Just ask him casually one day when he talks about places to live - "would you ever consider living together?"

[Almira23]

It's only been a year.

When you try and force a relationship to go a certain direction, it will crumble quickly due to the pressure. Let things progress naturally. They just happen when you both are ready.

There's nothing wrong with you two not living together yet. Being 25-27 yrs old is still very young.

Moving in together means nothing for the relationship in some cases. My friend moved in with her boyfriend after two months of dating and she ended up dumping him after 2 years because she felt trapped and not ready to commit.

[alli]

Things rarely work well when one person is pushed into something they don't want or aren't ready for. It appears he doesn't want to live together at this time so you should drop the hope that it's going to happen soon. At the same time, it's important to have good communication. Even if you don't like the answer it's going to come out eventually and it's better to find out sooner rather than later. I think you should have a real conversation with him about where you both see yourselves in one, 5, 10 years and see if it aligns.

[SophieGrace]

You didn't directly say in your post if you want to move in with him. I assume you do based the rest of the language in your post. If it were me, I'd talk about it with him. It's important to be able to communicate what you want with someone you love, even if it's scary because you feel vulnerable. Expressing your feelings and how he responds to that will also show you the kind of partner he is and will be. So what do you want? Is it a deal-breaker for you if he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't know when he will know?

[Catlady23]

I think a year is too soon! And don't take it personally that he doesn't want to move in with you just yet. He might be worried about a lot of things that have nothing to do with you.

 

Think about how much you guys love each other now and how much more you will in a year from now. Don't you think it will make moving in together further down the line that much more special? Also, couples that move in together before marriage have a higher break up rate than couples that wait till marriage or even engagement.

 

It's actually a good thing. Besides, you mentioned you haven't been in a relationship that's moved so slowly before. But did you think about how none of those relationships worked out? Just remember, what starts fast ends fast.

[j.man]

I didn't move in with my girlfriend until after two years, and even that was a bit soon by my standards. Assuming you were to spend so many years with someone, what's the rush in ditching your own space?

 

I think he's got the right idea. I wouldn't push it.

[Phoenix33]

I don't really know what kind of motivation would have men in today's days to marry. More than 50% of marriages end up on divorce, from those 50% between 60% and 90% (depending of the geography) are initiated by women. (major reason being that they found someone else)

Men lose the custody of their kids 87% of the time and in a 92% of the times they have to pay allymoney to the spouse who actually left him for another guy.

 

If it was your boyfriend here asking if he should get married I would tell him Run Forest run!!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately his remark was spot on. After only a year and no interest, why rush this? Logistics and your "been wanting to get out of my living situation" is not a good reason for premature commitments like that.

 

It pretty clear he's not interested in moving in together. Also agree with his statement "Why are we talking about this now". When you are talking marriage after dating only a year. Sorry you are pushing your agenda way too hard after a yr, of dating.

 

It would be best to step away from all this premature commitment talk and expectations, he's not interested. However it sounds like he never will be and he's telling you loud and clear.

 

Dating is to see if you are compatible, not hire the wedding caterers. It doesn't sound like you are on the same page, commitment and future and goals and values wise. Do Not move in together.

All he said is response to her was "you're pushing us ahead of schedule"

[Lester]

"...because I'm afraid of the answer."

- Which leads to weak substitutions.

 

Houses, chores, bills and normal day to day events/experiences are not commitment.

Thinking they are a good stepping stone, wastes the prime years of life. (Read the endless, sad..., he moved out and got married stories here on ena.)

[shes2smart]

A couple observations from someone who has lived through some stuff:

 

In my nefarious past, I lived with 3 bfs for varying lengths of time, none of the ones I lived with led to marriage. The one I married...well, the marriage plans were underway & concrete before moving in.

 

If the topic of living with a bf comes up, I will typically suggest to the young woman that (based on my first hand experiences and observation of other people I know) it's a losing proposition. Unless he's an atypical 20- or 30-something male (or even a 50-something male in the case of my last bf before I met my husband), chances are very high that you will end up with a lot of the grunt work of life for both of you - cleaning, cooking, laundry, keeping track of things like are you running low on toothpaste or toilet paper. It stops being romantic after a week or so. Then it's just drudgery and good luck getting help.

 

I've offered up this opinion often enough to know that most young women in love will convince themselves it won't happen that way with them & their bf and they jump in (as I did myself 3 times) and then - boom - a little while later.....

 

If you know that you want to be in a marriage at some future point (maybe not necessarily to this person, but being married is a life goal), how much time do you spend with someone who doesn't want to and/or can't see that in their future? Not even talking about marriage specifically to you, but is that somewhere they see themselves at all? If you're not going the same general direction, and while, sure - either of both of you may change your mind (a common thing in young adulthood), the likelihood of your paths diverging due to wanting to be at different destinations is pretty high.

 

So, that's my .02 based on crap I put myself through due to some less than stellar decisions. Use what you can, if you wish.

[j.man]

If the topic of living with a bf comes up, I will typically suggest to the young woman that (based on my first hand experiences and observation of other people I know) it's a losing proposition. Unless he's an atypical 20- or 30-something male (or even a 50-something male in the case of my last bf before I met my husband), chances are very high that you will end up with a lot of the grunt work of life for both of you - cleaning, cooking, laundry, keeping track of things like are you running low on toothpaste or toilet paper. It stops being romantic after a week or so. Then it's just drudgery and good luck getting help.

Gotta disagree with this based on my own experiences as well as those of every other 20 - 30 something I know.

 

The only times you routinely see people picking up the bulk of the household labor is when either 1) one partner isn't contributing equitably on a financial level or 2) one partner is more of a stickler and prefers to have the control over household maintenance. I personally actually happen to fall under the latter category.

 

If you're contributing to the rent and bills 50/50 and find yourself taking care of all the chores, you need to be more assertive.

 

Now where I agree is that you don't move in with someone expecting marriage to follow. I wouldn't even assume it if you two were engaged. Anything can happen in the time two people cohabit, and you may drift apart because you two are incompatible living with each other or for reasons completely unrelated to cohabitation. That said, I personally would never propose to a woman I hadn't cohabited with, but different people have vastly different ideas on the subject.

[Batya33]

"If you know that you want to be in a marriage at some future point (maybe not necessarily to this person, but being married is a life goal), how much time do you spend with someone who doesn't want to and/or can't see that in their future? Not even talking about marriage specifically to you, but is that somewhere they see themselves at all? If you're not going the same general direction, and while, sure - either of both of you may change your mind (a common thing in young adulthood), the likelihood of your paths diverging due to wanting to be at different destinations is pretty high."

 

Completely agree. I would separate the living together concept from the marriage concept. Living together is just sharing space and is only a progression if both of you see it that way and in the same way. I agree with Shes2smart on being on the same page about marriage. My husband and I never lived together for more than a very short time and never lived with anyone else. We married at 42 and became parents less than 3 months later. Had we lived together before it would have had little relevance because living together with a newborn in a 600 square foot apartment has nothing to do with two adults living together. I would think, anyway. And I never saw sharing physical space/finances as part of progressing in a relationship. Our commitment did progress even further when we took our marriage vows.