My boyfriend is jobless and seems unambitious

[RainyCoast]

depends where you live, we aren't going to get into a geographical and economic debate about employment prospects

 

ehm, he "Turned them down" means jobs have been offered to him, and he chose to remain unemployed.

[gianno]

ehm, he "Turned them down" means jobs have been offered to him, and he chose to remain unemployed.

 

Sorry, where does it say that in OP's post? Okay I see it, true. Good point

[Ms Darcy]

depends where you live, we aren't going to get into a geographical and economic debate about employment prospects

 

See RainyCoast's post. There is no debate dude. He turned down job opportunities.

[gianno]

Still at the end of day her boyfriend needs to get a job whether he likes it or not but OP needs to suck it up and work and stop complaining, she was fine with taking money from him when everything was going well but now is complaining. She is very much apart of this

[Ms Darcy]

Still at the end of day her boyfriend needs to get a job whether he likes it or not but OP needs to suck it up and work and stop complaining, she was fine with taking money from him when everything was going well but now is complaining. She is very much apart of this

 

My only concern is that people don't seem to care about the child. Child support isn't actually about her. It's about supporting the child.

 

If I chose to support my bf for a few years in school, I would certainly expect some consideration when I lost my job. But if we had a child, I wouldn't expect "credit" for working. I would sit down with him to figure out the most reasonable approach for us to support our child.

[HeartGoesOn]

Jobs are very very hard to find nowadays, that's not a good argument. Also, he has already more than stepped up to the plate, it's time for her to do the same

 

This is my opinion, which was not posted for you to dissect.

[gianno]

This is my opinion, which was not posted for you to dissect.

 

we are allowed to have differing opinions, I think openness among posters adds to the pool of information that OP can draw from when trying to make a decision

[itsallgrand]

I feel it was unwise on both your parts to mix money so soon. You had the option to turn down his offer ( or your request) to support you. It wasn't his job to support you nor your mother.

Now there's a baby and he hasn't been working for a few months. To keep it clean, you could pay him back in full for what he gave you and seperate finances. Both being responsible for your fair share of the baby.

You may have to cut supporting your mother or hold off on further school.

Each be responsible for your own.

 

You could seek child support but he may have his own say as far as child care. You are supporting your mother and he isn't responsible to pay that in order that she continue to watch the baby. The court would decide what is fair.

 

But if talk to him first. Whether or not you will choose him as your life partner down the road, you will be co parents for life. It's in the child's interest you try your hardest to come to a fair arrangement and have a positive relationship and communication.

[Hollyj]

Marry this guy? lol he supported her for years, don't make her out to be the victim in this post

 

He did not support her for years, as they have only known one another for 1.5 years. Also, she has been working for a while. How does "year's" figure into that???

[Rossy25]

Thank you Clarisse. You understand me better. Thanks. No, I won't be going back to school fulltime, I will still be working and I'm going to do distance. But if he doesn't get a job i will not be able to afford my tuition, the baby, my mom and him. I'm there for him yes , but i just feel it's making him too comfortable coz now he calls me mommy. He's a good guy, honestly. But i think he does not know how much i suffer coz of baby's needs and alone.

[Rossy25]

Because I'm working in a different town and we are not allowed to move in together before we are married. I don't want to cross my parents and our culture's advice. We are too broke to get married now. I would love to marry him yes, but the current situation doesn't allow it coz hes jobless. I love him so much and I don't want to ever resent him or breakup. He's a great dad to our daughter.

[Rossy25]

@itsallgrand,

We love each other and he's a great dad to our daughter. The problem is just his being unemployed. We are getting engaged. And I'm hoping he gets a job. I just don't know if I can handle all the bills if he never gets a job, say for 2 years. It's a tough economy.

[Rossy25]

Yes. I got him into Protea Hotel as assistant Banquet but he says he only wants Marketing jobs.

[Rossy25]

Thank you, he did turn down jobs twice now.., Teaching and banqueting.

[RainyCoast]

Because I'm working in a different town and we are not allowed to move in together before we are married. I don't want to cross my parents and our culture's advice. We are too broke to get married now. I would love to marry him yes, but the current situation doesn't allow it coz hes jobless. I love him so much and I don't want to ever resent him or breakup. He's a great dad to our daughter.

 

what? that is ridiculous! it would be against the cultural and parental norm to be living together before marriage...but it isn't against parental and cultural norms for a grown man to depend on his parents, turn down jobs and not-parent his own child?

 

here's what i would tell the easily offended culturally conditioned family. that there isn't a chance under the sun i'm marrying someone who refuses to be financially independent of his parents and whom i have not seen perform round the clock fatherly care for the child. and that until i have seen him support his child financially and with actual parenting, the engagement is off and i consider myself a single mum.

 

YOU TWO are the PARENTS now. his or your family cannot prevent either of you from parenting with their "rules", they especially don't make the decisions about how your child is raised until they're paying for it and burping it full time.

 

he is 34, and the child's father. your family doesn't get to tell him whether or not he can live with his own child. if they own the property you live on though, you'd be better off him getting a job so that you two can rent a place together.

 

and he is unwilling to do it. you have brought him a job on a platter. that is basically begging him to provide for his own family to the best of his abilities. and he turned it down.

 

tell him if he doesn't want to be able to support the child and live like a family, you are a single mum.

 

you need to wake up here. "i love him" and "he adores his baby" is very nice, and solves nothing. he chooses to not be able to live with you and the baby, care for the baby, or provide for it. your call.

[Rossy25]

Thank you @Rainycoast your advice is very helpful.

[Wiseman2]

But it's ok to have a child together?

we are not allowed to move in together before we are married. I don't want to cross my parents and our culture's advice.

[Ms Darcy]

@itsallgrand,

We love each other and he's a great dad to our daughter. The problem is just his being unemployed. We are getting engaged. And I'm hoping he gets a job. I just don't know if I can handle all the bills if he never gets a job, say for 2 years. It's a tough economy.

 

Thank you, he did turn down jobs twice now.., Teaching and banqueting.

 

I would not marry a man who has willingly turned down at least two jobs. The "tough economy" excuse does not work in that case.

[j.man]

Because I'm working in a different town and we are not allowed to move in together before we are married. I don't want to cross my parents and our culture's advice. We are too broke to get married now. I would love to marry him yes, but the current situation doesn't allow it coz hes jobless. I love him so much and I don't want to ever resent him or breakup. He's a great dad to our daughter.

So your culture frowns upon living with each other outside of marriage but is totally cool with the father having no physical presence with the child? Is this ultimately your decision for him not to move in?

 

I don't think it's excusable for him to be turning down these jobs. I also don't think it's excusable for you two not to be homed together because you don't want to cross the mother you're financially supporting.

 

Hopefully for the sake of the baby, you both can get over your completely arbitrary standards.

[itsallgrand]

There's no mention of if you paid him back the money or if he wishes to live with his child.

 

You allude to refusing to stop supporting your mother or to living with him.You say it's culture.

 

This just doesn't make sense to me.

[DonnaSophia]

If he wanted to support his child and contribute to this relationship, you and the baby would be his priority. If he wanted to be with you he would be there. He'd man-up and take whatever job he could find, he'd face his responsibilities. He seems someone suffering from depression brought on by the responsibilities of a family he didn't plan on or want. Promising an engagement, don't hold your breath. He is too old to have someone running to his parents and telling on him.

[Rossy25]

Hi @itsallgrand,

I got him a nice gig at a nice hotel. He has an interview there on Monday, December 12th. He said he does not want me to repay him coz he was just helping me, and that he rejected the 2 jobs because they are low salary. But he'll be getting a decent salary at the one I got him ($ 8000 a month). Now I don't know how to convince him to settle for a job paying that much. But that is a high salary for a start. And one can live on it. Because he wants a job paying $ 20 K a month because of his qualifications.,

[Rossy25]

We have decided to move in together.