He has a girlfriend, did I do the right thing?

[anxious]

This is probably obvious but sometimes its good to get the perspective of people on the outside.

 

I'm the sort of person that doesn't get on with many guys online. I've been on dating sites and Tinder for months but the conversations all lead nowhere. The men usually put me off by being too forward and too crude or I manage to offend them somehow and they unfriend me.

 

Recently Facebook suggested someone I might know because we had friends in common and so I added him even though I didn't know him.

 

We hit it off straight away and he was handsome charming and talented. Then I found out that he had a girlfriend who he was actually living with.

 

My first instinct was to give up and I blocked him and cut all contact. After a couple of days I really missed him because there were things I wanted to tell him and share with him and I realized I hadn't met anyone I got along with so well in a very long time.

 

It was probably a mistake but I decided to add him back on Facebook and made an excuse that I'd deleted him by accident. I thought there wouldn't be any harm in just being friends.

 

Over the days we became closer with him telling me intimate stories about his life, how his mom died, how he was a loner at school sharing personal things with me like the fact that he's infertile due to taking Ritalin as a kid for ADHD.

 

I could also see that him and his girlfriend were having problems as one day one of their arguments erupted all over Facebook with her putting him down, swearing at him, saying that living with him was difficult and how during their heated arguments he'd thrown things at her. She didn't like him going to his Dad's house at weekends. During this argument one of his friends said 'hopefully you love each other' to which he replied 'I do love her but I'm tired of the arguments'

 

He told me they were sleeping in seperate bed rooms and he thought they might break up but he wasn't sure. Then he told me that Tuesdays they both had the day off so they could spend one day a week together.

 

By this time after all the flirting, exchanging photos and deep talks I realized I was falling in love with him, I couldn't help it. Whenever I thought about him I'd get these bursts of happiness in my chest and whenever we talked he was polite considerate and caring and he never managed to piss me off or upset me. He seemed incredibly easy going and understanding.

 

When Tuesday came I knew it was their day together and I decided to leave him to it. I didn't talk to him all day but it was eating me up inside. I kept wondering how things were going, imagining them having sex, kissing, being naked together. I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. it was killing me.

 

Eventually that evening I wanted to ask him if they had sex but I thought it's not my place to ask that and I couldn't bring myself to say it. From what he said he implied he'd been busy all day doing chores and listening to music but I still didn't know if he'd done something with her or not. I know it sounds insane but at this point I felt like I was in a kind of relationship with him and that it was cheating if he had sex with her, even though it was his girlfriend!

 

After a lot of soul searching I wrote him a goodbye letter explaining that it was hurting me that he had a girlfriend and I needed some time of no contact to get over him and get my head sorted out. I felt if I didn't do something it would have carried on forever with him having his cake and eating it too and I felt I deserved better than to be second best. Also the fact that he threw things at his girlfriend implied to me that he could be violent and I didn't want to be in an abusive relationship. Also the fact that he was talking to me behind his girlfriends back implied he was a cheater and didn't respect relationships.

 

So now we're in no contact but it's very hard as I miss him and wonder if I'll ever meet anyone else who's right for me. I don't know if I should have hung around just incase he broke up with her and stuck it out a bit longer.

[dave_1966]

So you never even met this guy? The drama sounded really staged, who vomits their personal life on FB like that? I'd be careful if I were you, you'll end up either being ID thefted or handing over money to a Nigerian scam artist. Seriously.

[Snny]

the fact that he's infertile due to taking Ritalin as a kid for ADHD.

That's bulls*t. Ritalin does not cause infertility. I have ADHD, was on Ritalin, and has taken a fertility test recently with results of high fertility.

 

Also read this: For those who are lazy to read

11,856 people reported to have side effects when taking Ritalin.

Among them, 3 people (0.03%) have Infertility.

There is no correlation to Ritalin causing infertility.

 

Also OP you know better NOT to get involved with a taken man. You allowed him to groom you to get you to climbed into an emotional affair with him.

 

Good that you finally stopped playing games and cut contact with him. Go find a man who is available. Stay far away from the taken ones- those who flirt while in a relationship are the cheaters.

[greta96]

You're right, the answer to your question is a resounding YES, you did the right thing! And of course you'll meet other guys, it's not like you actually *met* this one either! The guy sounds like a mess and while airing one's dirty laundry on Facebook is not my cup of tea, I would say his girlfriend had very good reasons to have a meltdown and you're lucky she did - to give you a little inside into what kind of guy he is. How would you like your live-in boyfriend to flirt with another woman on social media? How would you like him to throw things at you? The guy is full of red flags. Instead of crushing on this clown, be thankful he's not your problem.

 

Keep him blocked and next time end contact with guys the second you find out they are not single, to avoid getting attached. Don't do to others what you wouldn't want others to do to you!

 

There is nothing for you to regret. I know there are a few pathetic women out there who put their lives on hold, waiting and hoping for the clowns they crush on to break up with their girlfriends, not realizing that by doing that they are in fact auditioning for some very unfortunate roles, but why be like them? You did the smart thing, and the best thing you could have done for yourself and your future love life. Now stay strong and don't look back!

[IAmFCA]

Stay away.

 

Ritalin does not cause infertility.

 

I have an adhd brain. I know many people with adhd. Whether he has adhd or not, it is irrelevant.

 

This person is phishing you, playing you in some way. Unfriend, block, and realize that whoever he is, he will not make you hole or be a friend to you, ever.

[Zippy2000]

My lord! You have invested WAY TOO MUCH time on someone you havent even met. You dont even know if you are right for each other other tahn real life.

 

You have fallen in love with your own image of what you believe is a relationship with him. You knew he had a girlfriend.

 

Imagine this and you wear his shoes. Stranger adds him on FaceBook. Deletes him and then re-adds him/ Talk for a while and then writes a good bye letter and then thinks she is owed something by going into "No contact".

 

Its not no contact. He`s not replying to you as he doesnt wan to invest in you.

 

Please wake up from your fantasy. You`re the type of girl who could fall for a "419 scam"

[anxious]

Yeah you guys are right, that's what I needed to hear, I'm doing the right thing. I'm curious as to why he would tell me he's infertile though if it's not true. I can't tell if he's trying to put me off on purpose or if he's just an idiot. Imagine if I'd have had unprotected sex with him, I could have ended up pregnant! Maybe he just didn't like condoms. That could have ended very badly.

[Andrina]

He's flirting with another woman while in an exclusive relationship and you think he's a good potential partner? These are his poor ethics. Do you really think you'd be that one special woman who he'd be fully faithful to? Nobody is that special to a man like this.

 

You need to learn a lesson from this. When you see the red flags, move on immediately. If a man you have chemistry with is taken, don't become "friends" with him, hoping for more down the line. If you're having trouble meeting single men, try meetups.com

[Wiseman2]

It would be best to improve your approach on dating apps specifically meant to meet available men. Do not chat endlessly and meet asap. Cut off time wasters or lewd guys asap.

 

Unfortunately living vicariously through fb as if you had a "relationship" with this random friend suggestion is not the best way to meet guys.

The men usually put me off by being too forward and too crude or I manage to offend them somehow and they unfriend me.

 

he had a girlfriend who he was actually living with. I realized I was falling in love with him I kept wondering how things were going, imagining them having sex, kissing, being naked together. I felt like I was in a kind of relationship with him and that it was cheating if he had sex with her even though it was his girlfriend!

[greta96]

Maybe he just didn't like condoms. That could have ended very badly.

 

That would be my first guess, he was probably grooming you for some unprotected sex, in case you thought so little of yourself that you became his side dish. What a dip$hit!

Once again, good for you for doing what you did, you dodged a big bullet!

[Zippy2000]

He's flirting with another woman while in an exclusive relationship and you think he's a good potential partner? These are his poor ethics. Do you really think you'd be that one special woman who he'd be fully faithful to? Nobody is that special to a man like this.

 

Hang on a minute! There is no evidence to say he is "flirting"! He was only messaging her about his life. Please stick to the facts. There is no evidence to say he was flirting. He`s allowed to speak to other people She pursued him AND not the other way round. FACT!

[lostandhurt]

On 7/29/16 you posted that you had struck up a friendship with a guy you met online that had three kids and still lived with their mother.

On 10/17/16 you posted that you had a mental illness and had been with your partner for 10 years.

And now 10 days later you are posting about being on dating sites and Tinder for months.

 

My questions are you still with your partner? Do you often date other men while still in a relationship?

 

Maybe I am missing something here but your timelines don't add up.

 

Lost

[qwaspolk82]

Hang on a minute! There is no evidence to say he is "flirting"! He was only messaging her about his life. Please stick to the facts. There is no evidence to say he was flirting. He`s allowed to speak to other people She pursued him AND not the other way round. FACT!

 

"By this time after all the flirting, exchanging photos and deep talks I realized I was falling in love with him, I couldn't help it."

[Wiseman2]

You never met and don't know this guy. He could just be lying or stupid or catfishing.

Y I'm curious as to why he would tell me he's infertile though if it's not true. I can't tell if he's trying to put me off on purpose or if he's just an idiot.

[Snny]

On 7/29/16 you posted that you had struck up a friendship with a guy you met online that had three kids and still lived with their mother.

On 10/17/16 you posted that you had a mental illness and had been with your partner for 10 years.

And now 10 days later you are posting about being on dating sites and Tinder for months.

 

My questions are you still with your partner? Do you often date other men while still in a relationship?

 

Maybe I am missing something here but your timelines don't add up.

 

Lost

 

OP:

 

]

[Capricorn3]

Under review.