My partner just moved in and there are non stop tensions

[Ms Darcy]

You're an intelligent female who didn't make an intelligent move inviting a guy to live with you and your house of teens while still in the honeymoon phase.

 

Darcy's in fact pointing out the fact that you're intelligent enough to learn from this, if not to have known better from the beginning.

 

Frankly, even if they're teenagers, I think you owe it to your kids not to use their home as a battleground for your infant relationship. If you want to stay a couple and work on it, you do you. But move him out and mend things away from the home.

 

Perfectly stated.

[Lionheart11]

I think no matter how much time you spend together, no matter how much approval you got from family and children, 6 months is way too short to move in together. Because you're still just learning the ins and outs about who this person is. At 6 months you feel like you're getting a pretty good picture but will come to find a lot more over the following 6-12 months as you both become truly relaxed with each other and letting the non-censored self out.

 

This is who he is and sorry to say it doesn't sound good. He's controlling about who you see, where you go, for how long, that's a very bad sign of what's to come. He's passive aggressive and unable to communicate like a mature adult.

 

I see all his actions stem from insecurity and it's not like "oh he's just insecure and that's ok, who isn't?" When someone acts out their insecurity rather than being conscious about it and working on it internally, and they put other people through pain for their own problems, it's a very bad sign.

 

I know you may take time to come to a decision but I would suggest having him move out asap and stop seeing him all together.

 

Thanks for your insights. I dont agree with ending it, i understand from the limited information i have given you, he is coming across extremely negatively. He isnt a complete sum of these short comings. He is booked to see a therapist and i am praying this will help him move through some of these issues. I believe that a discussion will need to be had and be firm, if no improvement i will end the relationship after re evaluating then.

[j.man]

That's a point i hadnt thought of. You dont think moving him out would be more distrupful to my kids?

Kids have enough stress without having to worry about a hostile home life. Absolutely, have him move out. If he needs to take a year lease elsewhere, then that's what he needs to do.

 

I'd apologize to your kids for the mistake of moving him in so soon but without going into any significant detail so as not to get them caught up in the drama. I'm sure they're intelligent as well and know that you're just as human as they are. I had a single mother myself who started dating when I was in my teens. We're aware it can get lonely and suck. And even if they are a bit put off or disappointed at first, it will be nothing like the resentment they'd feel should it turn into months of a toxic environment with him around because you two don't get along. It may even serve as a good example for them to take things a bit more slowly and to being able to swallow their pride to quickly remedy a mistake should they make one.

[Lionheart11]

I think no matter how much time you spend together, no matter how much approval you got from family and children, 6 months is way too short to move in together. Because you're still just learning the ins and outs about who this person is. At 6 months you feel like you're getting a pretty good picture but will come to find a lot more over the following 6-12 months as you both become truly relaxed with each other and letting the non-censored self out.

 

This is who he is and sorry to say it doesn't sound good. He's controlling about who you see, where you go, for how long, that's a very bad sign of what's to come. He's passive aggressive and unable to communicate like a mature adult.

 

I see all his actions stem from insecurity and it's not like "oh he's just insecure and that's ok, who isn't?" When someone acts out their insecurity rather than being conscious about it and working on it internally, and they put other people through pain for their own problems, it's a very bad sign.

 

I know you may take time to come to a decision but I would suggest having him move out asap and stop seeing him all together.

 

Kids have enough stress without having to worry about a hostile home life. Absolutely, have him move out. If he needs to take a year lease elsewhere, then that's what he needs to do.

 

I'd apologize to your kids for the mistake of moving him in so soon without going into any significant detail. I'm sure they're intelligent as well and know that you're just as human as they are. I had a single mother myself who started dating when I was in my teens. We're aware it can get lonely and suck. And even if they are a bit put off or disappointed at first, it will be nothing like the resentment they'd feel should it turn into months of a toxic environment with him around because you two don't get along.

 

We have never argued near or in ear shot of the children. i do not raise my voice, his moping has been (until last night) been when they are with their father.

[notalady]

Thanks for your response. I did spend time alone, and let him know i like nights to myself some times and did keep that up. We spent a lot of time together and recently i havent been able to leave the house much due to illness. i spoke to him about how i fely about the behaviour appearing clingy and he was offended and then went silent.

 

Have you never had an argument before this? Or seen how he handles conflict with others? I mean, his conflict resolution skills is very lacking. And that's one of the most important aspects of a relationship, being able to resolve conflicts maturely and calmly.

 

At the end of the day you can talk about goals and values, and seemingly agree, but you never really know until you've seen things play out in person.

[j.man]

We have never argued near or in ear shot of the children. i do not raise my voice, his moping has been (until last night) been when they are with their father.

Again, I'm assuming your kids aren't dumb. Couples always like to assume that as long as they're not yelling in front of the kids, the environment is peachy for them. They pick up on ****. You were a teenager at one point as well and should remember back when you noticed a whole lot more than you were ever given credit for.

 

Even if there is no yelling, they deserve better than a lingering apathy weighing the air down.

 

Simply put, their home is not your venue to bring new men in and just wing it. I know that's not what you intended, but it's what it's become. I won't press that you break up with him, but I'd hope you'd have the decency to do your kids this solid. I don't really care if they supported your initial choice. This isn't a group decision. This is where you step up as mother and head of the household and move him out to repair and progress the relationship properly.

[boltnrun]

Sorry, but this IS who he is.

 

He's clingy, insecure, jealous and immature. He isn't just ACTING that way.

 

I'm sure when you're presented with a conflict you don't sulk, do the silent treatment and mope around. Because that's not who you are.

 

Sadly, it is who HE is.

 

And if you don't think your kids notice, sorry but you're kidding yourself.

 

You don't need to put up with this just to keep someone.

 

And it won't be "disruptive" for the kids if he moved out. According to you he's only been there three weeks!

[HeartGoesOn]

And, he's still in contact with his ex, (according to your previous thread).

 

That said, I rest my case.

[boltnrun]

He goes through your phone and your work email(!) and has a history of cheating.

 

This is not just what he's doing "currently". This is who he is and apparently what he thinks is OK in a relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

And, he's still in contact with his ex, (according to your previous thread).

 

That said, I rest my case.

 

As much as I appreciate Jman's posts, I hope this post get tons of thanks.

 

Thanks for the reminder to look back at previous posts.

 

For whatever reason, sometimes these moderator posts get lost and not thanked enough!

[ParisPaulette]

I'm sorry, but this man is controlling and has some serious red flags of the abusive personality type. That moping and pouting and moodiness and demanding what you're going to be doing for 30 minutes at your daughter's basketball game? Yeah, that's all him "teaching" you that you need to jump high and higher and higher still and that high enough will never be good enough while he "teaches" you and your kids how to let him have full control.

 

Why you let this man move in with you at six months is beyond me. Please tell him to move out now. Seriously, tell him it's not working and you need to stop and reassess why you are letting someone with such glaring red flags have access to your kids. You're just now getting to know this guy by having him move in with you. What you're seeing is him dropping the mask and now wanting to control you.

 

Your kids are next by the way. I'm sorry, I'm just not going to sugarcoat this, get him to leave now before he starts physically abusing you or your kids. If you won't do it for you, do it for them. He's already started in with the emotional abuse, and yes he is or will start doing things to the kids too. He'll threaten them or it'll be subtle or something, but if you think he's treating you this badly at three short weeks of moving in and that he won't make your kids' lives a living hell sooner or later you are dreaming.

 

P.S. I know I sound like an alarmist. I also worked in a women's clinic and shelter for 16 years. Go look up warning signs of an abusive relationship. There is so much more than gee, I guess a grown adult man might be feeling a bit moody after obtaining a whole brand new family of the sort most men would give their right front tooth in hell to have.

 

He should be walking on cloud nine right now, not trying to control you. That's a serious red flag. His moving in that quickly is too and I'm betting that was his idea all along to do so, which is another red flag. I'm not telling you these things to be mean. I'm telling you that you need to open your eyes and protect yourself and your kids. His behavior is NOT normal of someone who has just moved in with their girlfriend. As others have told you, who you're seeing now is who he really is.

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered that you are compatible as lovers but not as far as life stages go? He is 8 yrs younger, no kids or responsibilities and may not understand what your life and the responsibilities of a custodial parent really entails.

 

Why did he suddenly move in? Is he still seeing and friends with his ex? His controlling behaviors seem like a red flag. Perhaps he can move out but without breaking up? Your kids may think he's a fun guy, but it may be encroaching on their space and time with you.

 

His life goals and priorities are more consistent with a childless bachelor in this late 20s than with a more responsible custodial parent.

overhwhelming tension in the house. I

I have been making him lunch to take to work when he is busy (not every day maybe 3 out of 5 days), cooking meals i know he likes. I ended up going to the training and chatting with my mum pals there and zoning out. He sent me an essay text explaining that he felt rejected and needed to understand why i cared what anyone thought about two parents watching.