My partner just moved in and there are non stop tensions

[Lionheart11]

Hi, my boyfriend moved in with me about 3 weeks ago and since then, every few days there has been an overhwhelming tension in the house. He goes silent and looks sad and if i ask if he is ok, he gets mad that i have asked. So a week ago, i stopped asking and tried to just move through it with love but the moodiness fills the air and he seems mad that i havent asked what is wrong...

 

I have lived alone for a really long time and as a divorced mum (who has the kids 50% of the time), i understand that it would extremely difficult to slot in to the home and a big change for him.

 

I have been trying daily to ensure he feels loved, secure and important in the home and the home is his, not mine.

 

I have been making him lunch to take to work when he is busy (not every day maybe 3 out of 5 days), cooking meals i know he likes but asking if he wants to cook as i dont want him to feel mothered.

 

He has expressed to me many times that he has low self esteem and feels insecure often i see this in his behaviours at time.

 

Yesterday i explained that i would be taking my daughter to basketball training and wouldnt be home much in the evening, he questioned why i wasnt coming home after dropping her and i explained that dropping her and coming home and 30 mins later heading out again didnt make sense, so that was what i was doing. When he got home from work he asked about the training again, keeping in mind this is just a weekly thing - nothing different. i must have looked at him perplexed as i had already explained and saw it as insignificant, he then looked stressed and asked if he could come along. I said that it wasnt really the done thing, two parents watching a 12 year old train and it might make her feel uncomfortable (we might come across as overbearing crazy helicopter parents) and he looked really upset. he said he didn't want to be bored. I felt myheart race and felt he was being clingy and said, you can take her and i will stay and clean if you'd prefer not to be in the house? he then went on to say that he wanted to just be with me.

 

We are always together. i barely do anything without him and sub consciously was clearly looking for some alone time.

 

I ended up going to the training and chatting with my mum pals there and zoning out. He sent me an essay text explaining that he felt rejected and needed to understand why i cared what anyone thought about two parents watching.

 

I felt really pissed off at the message, it seemed like a massive over reaction and quite smothering.

 

He also has been pushing for us to meditate together and look into tantric sex, he has pushed it about 4 times this week and each time i have explained that i am not in that space right now, but i am open to discussing it and trying it in the future. he is mad that it is something i mentioned i had dabbled with with an ex and he is upset that i wont share it with him. I feel uncomfortable about it, as at the time - i was not overly interested in it either, but tried it at the request of the partner. I have explained to my boyfriend that it is upsetting that he keeps comparing himself to the ex and i understand why, it would feel but i am being very direct with my response, that currently i do not wish to explore that and that i believe that i need to perfect private meditation prior to meditating together, i am not shutting off the idea or saying no, due to negative associations. i just simply do not want to.

 

I have always been a pretty happy go lucky person. I laugh a lot and enjoy my time with people or alone.

 

I am not sure how best to handle the tension or bring the joy back? i am not sure why it keeps dipping into a mopey/sober mood...

[boltnrun]

How long did you date before you decided to move him in?

[Lionheart11]

How long did you date before you decided to move him in?

 

Hi, we were only together 6 months... In that time, we had spent all of our time talking, discussing our beliefs, goals. We barely ever watched TV or anything remotely non connecting.

 

I have dated a few people but always kept them at arms length, with him, i let him in straight away because i felt over whelmingly impressed to do so.

 

If i was an outsider looking in, i would think i was bat crazy.

 

My parents are very conservative and they endorsed it as they could see we were/are so suited.

 

it just felt so very right, not just lustful, fantasy fuelled decision making.

 

now it feels so weird and wrong all of a sudden..

[zeino]

Who brought up the idea of moving in together? I wonder if he is passive aggressively angry about something. And is this the first time you are experiencing his anxious attachment style in your relationship?

[boltnrun]

You obviously didn't know him well enough.

 

Six months isn't long for him to keep up an act that you would fall for. Now you're seeing the real him. Also, you have gone along with his desire to spend every single possible waking moment together, so one could argue that you didn't reveal your true self either.

 

And since I bet you'll say you're "attached", you won't want him to leave.

 

You'll be looking for some kind of solution that will make him not him but who you thought he was. But that magic solution doesn't exist.

 

So, you really have two choices. Either accept that this is who he is and deal with it, or sit him down and let him know how you feel about his extreme clinginess with the provision that if he doesn't scale it down he'll need to live elsewhere.

[Lionheart11]

Who brought up the idea of moving in together? I wonder if he is passive aggressively angry about something. And is this the first time you are experiencing his anxious attachment style in your relationship?

I have seen an anxiety in him before, but not an anxious attachment... actually, no he acted weird a week ago when i went to brunch with a girlfriend and took an hour longer than i said i would. He moped around that afternoon and i confronted him about his behaviour and said it seemed it was because i was out without him for 3 hours. he was incensed i had said that, even though i left him in a good mood and returned home to someone who was clearly moping.

 

We discussed it as a future event, he had planned on moving in with a friend for a year as that was an original plan made but as he had spoken about his intentions to make a life with me and the kids, a year away seemed silly... and juvenile. So he mentioned to his frined a 6 month lease would be more suitable. his friend let him know that wouldnt work, so we decided that it made more sense for him to move in then. My kids kept asking when he would as he spent most nights at our place.

[Lionheart11]

You obviously didn't know him well enough.

 

Six months isn't long for him to keep up an act that you would fall for. Now you're seeing the real him. Also, you have gone along with his desire to spend every single possible waking moment together, so one could argue that you didn't reveal your true self either.

 

And since I bet you'll say you're "attached", you won't want him to leave.

 

You'll be looking for some kind of solution that will make him not him but who you thought he was. But that magic solution doesn't exist.

 

So, you really have two choices. Either accept that this is who he is and deal with it, or sit him down and let him know how you feel about his extreme clinginess with the provision that if he doesn't scale it down he'll need to live elsewhere.

 

Thanks for your response. I did spend time alone, and let him know i like nights to myself some times and did keep that up. We spent a lot of time together and recently i havent been able to leave the house much due to illness. i spoke to him about how i fely about the behaviour appearing clingy and he was offended and then went silent.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry, but I would never introduce someone to my children whom I've only known for 6 months, never mind move them in to my home! And, yes I understand this is not what you want to hear.

[Ms Darcy]

Hi, we were only together 6 months...

 

If i was an outsider looking in, i would think i was bat crazy.

 

it [was] ... just lustful, fantasy fuelled decision making.

 

now it feels so weird and wrong all of a sudden.

 

I think you answered your own question.

 

If only all posters could be like you!

[boltnrun]

Yeah, I'm wondering what the hurry was.

 

You knew him less than 6 months and he was already spending nights with you, which your kids were aware of (or were they there too???). and now he's moved in. And you're finding out who he really is.

 

It was too soon.

 

If his reaction to your feedback is to go silent or sulk, you're not dealing with someone who's willing to work with you like a mature adult.

 

So, if it continues are you going to allow him to stay?

[Lionheart11]

I think you answered your own question.

 

If only all posters could be like you!

 

This is slightly unkind, and i said this was not just a lustful, fantasy fueled decision - i understand what it would look like to others and it was not a decision i made over night.

[Lionheart11]

I'm sorry, but I would never introduce someone to my children whom I've only known for 6 months, never mind move them in to my home! And, yes I understand this is not what you want to hear.

I have no issue hearing opinions, which is why i have sought advice from strangers. I have never in ten years of being divorced introduced my kids to anyone within 6 months. and barely intergrated them into their life in fact. My kids, my family have all backed up the decision we made, including my ex husband.

[Ms Darcy]

My kids kept asking when he would as he spent most nights at our place.

 

Well he definitely shouldn't have met the kids, let alone spent the night, in less than 6 months of dating. Lesson learned for next time I hope.

[Lionheart11]

 

So, if it continues are you going to allow him to stay?

 

No, if after working through this and asking maturely for the behaviour to change it continues or worsens - i absolutely will not allow him to stay. I have no fear of being alone, being without love. I am not afraid of tough conversations. I have sacrificed for years to make sure my home and children are not negatively impacted by a potential partner etc.

[Ms Darcy]

This is slightly unkind, and i said this was not just a lustful, fantasy fueled decision - i understand what it would look like to others and it was not a decision i made over night.

 

I didn't say anything else actually. I just replayed your own words back to you. So, perhaps you don't like what you said?

[Lionheart11]

Well he definitely shouldn't have met the kids, let alone spent the night, in less than 6 months of dating. Lesson learned for next time I hope.

 

You see that as black and white, that it is definitely not ok? my kids are teenagers and leaving them in the dark for a year when they know i am seeing someone (they are not idiots, it isnt hard to see when your mother is in a relationship) makes no sense in our family situation. I am careful, guarded and well measured with how things and people are presented to them. i am not an idiot. I am not trapsing through partners through their lives. they have met two in ten years and my ex was just a friend in their eyes anyway. he did not stay over when they were there, ever.

[boltnrun]

You see that as black and white, that it is definitely not ok? my kids are teenagers and leaving them in the dark for a year when they know i am seeing someone (they are not idiots, it isnt hard to see when your mother is in a relationship) makes no sense in our family situation. I am careful, guarded and well measured with how things and people are presented to them. i am not an idiot. I am not trapsing through partners through their lives. they have met two in ten years and my ex was just a friend in their eyes anyway. he did not stay over when they were there, ever.

 

But this one did, then moved in, all within six months. And, as you are now seeing, he didn't show you the real him until he moved in.

 

But, if your kids are mature and understanding I'm sure they'll understand why you have to ask him to move out.

 

And, hopefully move more slowly next time.

[Lionheart11]

I didn't say anything else actually. I just replayed your own words back to you. So, perhaps you don't like what you said?

 

you changed my quote, removing it was NOT just a fantasy fueled decision, unless the thread colapsed it.

Your response was sarcastic. I am an intelligent female who came here to discuss bringing joy back now that there is a tension in the air, not to discuss whether my introducing my kids was appropriate or not.

 

I am coming here in kindness and love, thank you

[reinventmyself]

I have never in ten years of being divorced introduced my kids to anyone within 6 months. and barely intergrated them into their life in fact

 

So having said that you must have been pretty certain to move this one in. What was different about this one that you were willing to take that risk?

Now seeing that you are now finding out who he really is, would you do things differently if you had the opportunity?

[Ms Darcy]

you changed my quote, removing it was NOT just a fantasy fueled decision, unless the thread colapsed it.

Your response was sarcastic. I am an intelligent female who came here to discuss bringing joy back now that there is a tension in the air, not to discuss whether my introducing my kids was appropriate or not.

 

I am coming here in kindness and love, thank you

 

I wasn't being sarcastic. I am sure you are an intelligent woman and a great mother. I think you acknowledge from an outside perspective, it seems rushed and unwise. I'm not the only one making this point.

 

So all there is to say is - lesson learned for next time.

 

In the meantime, I would recommend Bolt's approach of talking to him.

[Lionheart11]

So having said that you must have been pretty certain to move this one in. What was different about this one that you were willing to take that risk?

Now seeing that you are now finding out who he really is, would you do things differently if you had the opportunity?

i was certain. He shared the same goals and visions for the future. He displayed emotional intellgence, he is driven, he is smart and constantly looking to learn more. he is kind. he was gentle. he is respectful.

the truth of who he is is that CURRENTLY he is displaying a clinginess and attachment, he is displaying a depressed state and possibly anxiety. i dont think this is "who he is" in a permanent state, well... i hope not. If he is, it will be the end of us.

i really dont know...

[j.man]

you changed my quote, removing it was NOT just a fantasy fueled decision, unless the thread colapsed it.

Your response was sarcastic. I am an intelligent female who came here to discuss bringing joy back now that there is a tension in the air, not to discuss whether my introducing my kids was appropriate or not.

 

I am coming here in kindness and love, thank you

You're an intelligent female who didn't make an intelligent move inviting a guy to live with you and your house of teens while still in the honeymoon phase.

 

Darcy's in fact pointing out the fact that you're intelligent enough to learn from this, if not to have known better from the beginning.

 

Frankly, even if they're teenagers, I think you owe it to your kids not to use their home as a battleground for your infant relationship. If you want to stay a couple and work on it, you do you. But move him out and mend things away from the home.

[Lionheart11]

I wasn't being sarcastic. I am sure you are an intelligent woman and a great mother. I think you acknowledge from an outside perspective, it seems rushed and unwise. I'm not the only one making this point.

 

So all there is to say is

 

Thank you, i don't know that i see this as the end. I see it as a difficult beginning to a new relationship model and new home and life for him. I see it as a storming phase in a new partnership. Lesson is learned in some respects, yes. Waiting wouldnt have killed us... but i am not sure i would have seen this clinginess unless he was my de facto in my home.

 

I like frankness, so thank you for being open with your thoughts.

[notalady]

I think no matter how much time you spend together, no matter how much approval you got from family and children, 6 months is way too short to move in together. Because you're still just learning the ins and outs about who this person is. At 6 months you feel like you're getting a pretty good picture but will come to find a lot more over the following 6-12 months as you both become truly relaxed with each other and letting the non-censored self out.

 

This is who he is and sorry to say it doesn't sound good. He's controlling about who you see, where you go, for how long, that's a very bad sign of what's to come. He's passive aggressive and unable to communicate like a mature adult.

 

I see all his actions stem from insecurity and it's not like "oh he's just insecure and that's ok, who isn't?" When someone acts out their insecurity rather than being conscious about it and working on it internally, and they put other people through pain for their own problems, it's a very bad sign.

 

I know you may take time to come to a decision but I would suggest having him move out asap and stop seeing him all together.

[Lionheart11]

You're an intelligent female who didn't make an intelligent move inviting a guy to live with you and your house of teens while still in the honeymoon phase.

 

Darcy's in fact pointing out the fact that you're intelligent enough to learn from this, if not to have known better from the beginning.

 

Frankly, even if they're teenagers, I think you owe it to your kids not to use their home as a battleground for your infant relationship. If you want to stay a couple and work on it, you do you. But move him out and mend things away from the home.

 

That's a point i hadnt thought of. You dont think moving him out would be more distrupful to my kids?