You find love when you stop looking ??

[Reflections11]

I don't know how many times I've heard this expression.

 

What do the people of ENA think of this statement? I get pretty annoyed when somebody tells me that. I've been pretty much single forever. I've gone through periods of intense searching. I've also gone through long periods where I definitely didn't look at all.

 

I understand the idea that you are more relaxed and less desperate when you aren't looking. But I also understand the idea that if you don't actively try to find something, you can't really expect it to just fall in your lap.

 

I'm actually taking a long break from looking now. Searching for somebody seems to at least put me in contact with a lot of potential people, but i tend to become very unhappy and pessimistic when I'm looking. It kinda seems to cement the belief that I'll never find anyone, that there's no match out there for me, etc. All those thoughts that tend to then prove themselves in the external reality.

 

I've taken long breaks from searching for love several times as well. I definitely am a lot happier when I give up trying to find somebody and just focus on my own life. But it sure as hell hasn't magically brought relationships or anything into my life either. If anything it's even lonelier in a way.

 

I've just started a long break now, not because I expect to find someone by doing so. If anything, the past has taught me that I'm even LESS likely to meet somebody by taking a break. But mostly because I'm a lot happier when I give up trying to find someone. Maybe some people (or just me) are just meant to be alone, and the sooner we embrace our perma-singleness, the closer we can be to achieving some sort of happiness.

 

You find love when you stop looking?

 

True? Nonsense? Somewhere in between? Or true only for certain people?

What do you beautiful souls of ENA think?

[moodindigo91]

I don't believe that actively searching or not searching for love actually makes a difference at all. I think love just happens. Maybe you'll have better luck finding it if you're searching, but maybe not. It depends on the person, the circumstance, etc. In other words, like everything in the universe, it's random.

 

I think, however, you will be a lot happier if you aren't actively looking. When you're actively looking, you're more likely to feel bad or let down when certain dates don't pan out the way you wanted them to, when you can't seem to spark a connection with a person. You're more focused on finding someone to love or marry that you have a laundry list of things this person should be, which also makes it harder to find love. It works best when you let it just happen and when you are okay with being single and possibly alone in between. I don't think that not looking for love should also equate to just simply waiting around for it to arrive. When you make the choice to not look for love, you should be actively focusing on yourself and your friendships instead of waiting around for love to happen.

 

I don't know if any of that really makes sense or if I explained it in a way that makes any sense. But regardless, I relate it in my mind to a quote by Albert Camus: “You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” I think searching for love is essentially the same.

[Hermes]

Well put, Brie.

 

Reflections. I don't know. Often what we seek afar is closer to our own doorstep, or so I have found during life.

 

That said, while it is important to be discerning about people on the other hand the "laundry list" is a truly negative vibe IMO.

[DancingFool]

Taken at face value, I kind of agree that it's an annoying and silly statement. Reading between the lines, I think the wisdom behind it is that when you get too desperate in your search, people sense the despair and so it drives them away. So I take it more as you need to relax and be patient and love will come. Doesn't mean you should sit home and do nothing, just avoid getting so intense in your search that you come across as desperate.

[j.man]

It's the thirst factor.

 

The higher the thirst, the more you turn people off, and those who are attracted come in a lower quality.

 

More often than not, thirst level is directly proportionate with dating effort. There are exceptions who do get a genuine enjoyment out of the simple act of dating and who will do plenty of it and find someone. That would include me, having found my current girlfriend while doing a good amount of dating, but, again, my enjoyment came from meeting new people and having fun and wasn't at all dependent on any expectations being met.

[Matt3939]

I'd say it really doesn't happen in my case. If I'm not looking nothing happens at all. I'm not saying people haven't contacted me or come on to me. Usually im in a relationship so nothing would come of it. Plus it's soooo rare. I have to be looking to find somone.

[Hermes]

"The higher the thirst, the more you turn people off, and those who are attracted come in a lower quality. "

Indeed, JMan.

 

Another point: I notice on so so many posts (not quite sure the percentage but it is high) that people are seeking desperately so as not to be "alone". Or out of "loneliness". Loneliness is the worst possible advisor anyone could have.

 

If someone cannot live with him or herself, then the chances of a healthy relationship are rather slim.

[OldRomantic83]

J man... you have been thanked more than you've posted... wow.

[moodindigo91]

"The higher the thirst, the more you turn people off, and those who are attracted come in a lower quality. "

Indeed, JMan.

 

Another point: I notice on so so many posts (not quite sure the percentage but it is high) that people are seeking desperately so as not to be "alone". Or out of "loneliness". Loneliness is the worst possible advisor anyone could have.

 

If someone cannot live with him or herself, then the chances of a healthy relationship are rather slim.

 

I agree, this is my pet peeve. People need to be able to be alone, and they are not. If you can't stand to be alone with yourself or your thoughts then there's no way you'll be able to be in a lasting committed relationship, it will eventually fall apart. People need to pull a Thoreau and spend some time alone in the woods for a while.

[Hermes]

Totally, Brienoch. Everyone, but everyone, should get the chance to spend time alone in the woods, up a mountain, on a lake island, whatever.

 

And so many more need the kind of help we cannot provide here, no matter how good our advice. It saddens me when I read "I can't afford therapy", or worse "I don't want to do therapy". Read this here so much.

[trezeralietas]

I have entered my most recent relationship at a time when I was absolutely not looking. I had made a conscious decision to take some time off dating and not care about who was around me, etc.

 

Then, I went to a bar and chatted with a random girl for ten minutes. A couple hours later she came back to the bar with some friends in tow and introduced me to one of them. Based on our ten minute conversation she thought he and I would be a good match. At no point in our conversation had I mentioned men, dating, relationships, etc. However, because I was relaxed, happy, and friendly with some random girl, she got a good read on me and made a killer match. (Seriously, that girl has a career in matchmaking if her current line of work doesn't work out!) Really though, I think this guy was able to come into my life because I wasn't looking and I was out in the world interacting with people in a genuine, friendly, and real way without worrying about how I was being perceived (as a potential mate).

[Chocolate25]

I found what you just said to make sense!! If I go around searching for love, it drives my mind crazy... I prefer to let it happen naturally. I liked your response!

[Reflections11]

Wow thanks for the replies!

 

It seems the common consensus is that people who look too hard come across desperate, and it's bad to look when lonely. I'm not feeling so lonely these days, but it sucks that looking for the solution to loneliness just causes more of it. What do you do when you feel alone then? It's one thing to say "be comfortable being alone" to somebody who is always jumping between relationships, but it's very different to people like me who are always single.

 

I'm not sure. Maybe it depends on the person then. I've never been one to sit around waiting. I'm very active in life, whether i'm searching or not. I've spent long periods where I was happy on my own, and happy not to be searching. I do find myself a lot happier and more engaged in life when I'm not looking for somebody, which is why I'm not even bothering with it now. But those times have never drew matches towards me.

 

Maybe you have to look but be unattached to the outcome. Which... for most people is basically impossible lol. I'll stick to embracing my perma-single state for now.

[Reflections11]

I also wonder if it is gender specific. I bet "Not looking" works a lot better for females who have guys chasing them around all the time anyway. Maybe not though, I apologize if that was offensive, i have no idea what it's actually like for females, just my biased perception.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It can seem like a catch-22 if you are looking too hard it seems robotic, if you wait for fate to take over it's a daydream.

 

Maybe success is more random than we would like to think?

I understand the idea that you are more relaxed and less desperate when you aren't looking. But I also understand the idea that if you don't actively try to find something, you can't really expect it to just fall in your lap.

]

[j.man]

I also wonder if it is gender specific. I bet "Not looking" works a lot better for females who have guys chasing them around all the time anyway. Maybe not though, I apologize if that was offensive, i have no idea what it's actually like for females, just my biased perception.

That a valid assumption. The theory is some kind of pairing occurring "organically," where two healthy-minded and compatible people happen across each other under favorable conditions, but yes, generally speaking a guy's not going to be able to flip the switch full off and end up happily hitched.

[moodindigo91]

I think if you learn to like yourself, being alone is not that bad. If you like yourself, it's almost like you're not alone. I don't know, I tend to enjoy being alone most of the time (this includes going places alone like concerts or parties). I do have times where I feel sort of lonely and prefer human company (as opposed to the company of a pet), at that point I'm more inclined to look for a friend than a lover.

[Reflections11]

I don't know if any of that really makes sense or if I explained it in a way that makes any sense. But regardless, I relate it in my mind to a quote by Albert Camus: “You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” I think searching for love is essentially the same.

 

I really love this quote. I've never heard it before! I do believe that whatever the mind focuses on tends to grow. A weird thing about consciousness and perception and experienced external reality i guess. Searching too much for happiness means you are focusing on not having it, and thats what grows. Easier to create happiness by focusing a lot on how you already have happiness, focusing on the things that make you happy, and letting those grow. It's worked for me! Even focusing on how much money I actually have when I'm feeling really broke or strappe financially seems to help. In general the same can be said for love, and for feeling lonely. Focusing on the friendships I have can cause them to blossom more. Focusing on the love in my life can cause me to act more on those and help it grow.

 

But I get stuck there too... because friendships don't quit heal the loneliness of not having a real partner (Especially when your friends are in relationships). And there are lots of ways to focus on love but if its not romantic love, that's not gonna build either. I've had success with focusing on how I already have what I want, and growing it that way.... but it's impossible to focus on having a romantic relationship when I literally have none.

 

Sorry maybe i took this in a weird direction lol

[Wiseman2]

Very interesting points. Agree it's easier to set goals which are individual and tangible...financial,etc.. Love however is so contingent on the others and if the feeling is mutual.

 

So you're right a "put your nose to the grindstone" approach in many areas can help achieve those things, but love.. so fickle, right?

Easier to create happiness by focusing a lot on how you already have happiness, focusing on the things that make you happy, and letting those grow. It's worked for me! Even focusing on how much money I actually have when I'm feeling really broke or strappe financially seems to help.

 

]

[moodindigo91]

I really love this quote. I've never heard it before!

 

I think you'd like a lot of Albert Camus' work. He sort of championed a type of philosophy called absurdism, which is sort of like a form of existentialism (the philosophy that says human beings are born into the world without inherent meaning or purpose and that it's up to us to create meaning or purpose in our lives), Albert Camus takes it one step further saying that the best way to do this, and the only way to obtain real "freedom" is by accepting the fact that life is indeed absurd. Life is random, inherently meaningless, you live it and then you die and that's it (this is of course, non-religious). That's absurd, right? Most people when faced with this reality will think if life is meaningless and there is no God, then what's the point in living. This is where he comes in with that existential thought that it is up to you to create your own meaning. His anthology of essays called "The Myth of Sisyphus" analyzes this in depth, much better than I am doing here. I read this anthology after a particularly bad break-up at a time in my life when I felt most worthless, and it changed my life.

 

I have the words "all is well" tattooed on my forearm, facing inward so I can read it all the time, I took it from this: "One does not discover the absurd without being tempted to write a manual of happiness. "What!---by such narrow ways--?" There is but one world, however. Happiness and the absurd are two sons of the same earth. They are inseparable. It would be a mistake to say that happiness necessarily springs from the absurd discovery. It happens as well that the feeling of the absurd springs from happiness. "I conclude that all is well," says Oedipus, and that remark is sacred. It echoes in the wild and limited universe of man. It teaches that all is not, has not been, exhausted. It drives out of this world a god who had come into it with dissatisfaction and a preference for futile suffering. It makes of fate a human matter, which must be settled among men."

[Reflections11]

im loving your pictures wiseman2, especially the ostridge(sp) chasing the giraffe LOL

[Reflections11]

Interesting brienoch, thanks for sharing. I've read a little bit about Sisyphus but don't recall absurdism. I do like the idea of creating my own meaning or purpose.

[Reflections11]

 

More often than not, thirst level is directly proportionate with dating effort. There are exceptions who do get a genuine enjoyment out of the simple act of dating and who will do plenty of it and find someone. That would include me, having found my current girlfriend while doing a good amount of dating, but, again, my enjoyment came from meeting new people and having fun and wasn't at all dependent on any expectations being met.

 

This may be the best method for guys, is to just learn to enjoy the process of dating itself, without trying to find a match, and without being attached to an outcome. It's the right balance between Not Looking (and thus not finding) and Looking (but coming off desperate).

 

It's a thin line to walk and stay balanced though lol.

[Seymore]

It's bull. So if I sit inside all day and don't look, some chick is going to come knocking on my door? Think about it - people go out looking for ghosts, they're gonna see one - usually because they've looked so hard that they've convinced themselves they will find it.

 

Love finds YOU, looking or not.

[Capricorn3]

People need to be able to be alone, and they are not. If you can't stand to be alone with yourself or your thoughts then there's no way you'll be able to be in a lasting committed relationship, it will eventually fall apart. People need to pull a Thoreau and spend some time alone in the woods for a while.

I totally agree!! I could go on and on about this but it is best to leave it at that. Ten reps to you brienoch!