You find love when you stop looking ??

[Capricorn3]

It's the thirst factor.

 

The higher the thirst, the more you turn people off, and those who are attracted come in a lower quality.

Absolutely true. Pity the vast majority of "desperately seeking a mate" don't see this and no matter how many people explain it to them, they cannot comprehend it.

[jujusamples]

I don't think you will find love when you stop looking. It's just when people are looking, they appear very desperate. That's why they say, it's best when it's friendship first. The reason is because you don't have pressure with a friend. You just enjoy each other's company. When someone is actively looking, when they see a potential, they start to question that other person, like the are going to marry them the next day. It's a turn off and a lot of pressure.

 

So to answer your question, it comes when you stop looking because you don't care as much, less pressure and things comes more naturally. I always advise my friends to treat meeting a new potential as meeting a new friend. You will have nothing to loose from that, but you might gain a friend if things don't work out romantically!

[pippy longstocking]

After the split that brought me here a lot of stuff in life happened including my mum dying , I eventually just broke ..... I made the decision to be single and celibate , I sought to find happiness alone and find joy in life without it been dependent on any relationship . Now , because I sat back out of the game for the first time ever , I began to notice the actions of everyone around me .

 

I loved hearing all the dating stories from my single friends , I posted a few on here , but one friend in particular I realised , would seemingly date anyone rather then be alone . She changed her whole world around in the name of love and it was quite shocking . I give her 10 out of 10 for keep getting back on the horse , but I saw a much deeper story then just determination . She literally had no life without a man , she had no hobbies , long weekends would reduce her to tears because she felt that that was relationship time , she would be in bed by 7.30 on a night to just get the day over and done with . We are no longer friends , I couldn't take the way she kept dropping me and dressing up all these relationships instead of just telling me the truth . It was a real eye opener and I longed for her to find herself before she found another ..but honestly ...she was nothing in her mind unless she could say she had a boyfriend . She married an ex who had hurt her beyond belief and I cut all ties with her .

I forgot where the hell I was going with this !!

crap

 

Oh I dunno ..some sh1t about becoming a healthy focused human being and putting that vibe out into the universe .

 

wiseman if you are reading this I insist I get a moving picture thing .

 

the end ...time I went back to the mother ship for the night .

[Wiseman2]

time I went back to the mother ship for the night .

 

]

[Reflections11]

I don't think you will find love when you stop looking.

.

 

So to answer your question, it comes when you stop looking because you don't care as much, less pressure and things comes more naturally.

 

 

 

um....?

[Ms Darcy]

Some of this is about some of your underlying beliefs about the world. I am a person of some faith. I don't believe the world is completely random. I don't believe in 100% luck. I think there is a lot of interconnection between the things we do and the outcomes. I also believe in some connection between having a strong belief in something and getting it.

 

I know that's all very vague. But my point is that most people look. And as a result of looking, they do find a relationship. Cause and effect. So it's not right to say you (only) find someone when you are not looking.

 

At the same time, people do find someone when they are not specifically looking. But they are still putting themselves in situations where it is possible (going out, talking to new people, being open and friendly.)

 

So the truth is that multiple strategies work for different people depending on who they are and what they believe.

[pippy longstocking]

]

 

THAT is fabulous WM hehe thankyou

[greta96]

It was usually true in my case, that's all I can say.

But then again, I never really purposefully looked for love.

[Heather Dawn]

I don't know how many times I've heard this expression.

 

What do the people of ENA think of this statement? I get pretty annoyed when somebody tells me that. I've been pretty much single forever. I've gone through periods of intense searching. I've also gone through long periods where I definitely didn't look at all.

 

I understand the idea that you are more relaxed and less desperate when you aren't looking. But I also understand the idea that if you don't actively try to find something, you can't really expect it to just fall in your lap.

 

I'm actually taking a long break from looking now. Searching for somebody seems to at least put me in contact with a lot of potential people, but i tend to become very unhappy and pessimistic when I'm looking. It kinda seems to cement the belief that I'll never find anyone, that there's no match out there for me, etc. All those thoughts that tend to then prove themselves in the external reality.

 

I've taken long breaks from searching for love several times as well. I definitely am a lot happier when I give up trying to find somebody and just focus on my own life. But it sure as hell hasn't magically brought relationships or anything into my life either. If anything it's even lonelier in a way.

 

I've just started a long break now, not because I expect to find someone by doing so. If anything, the past has taught me that I'm even LESS likely to meet somebody by taking a break. But mostly because I'm a lot happier when I give up trying to find someone. Maybe some people (or just me) are just meant to be alone, and the sooner we embrace our perma-singleness, the closer we can be to achieving some sort of happiness.

 

You find love when you stop looking?

 

True? Nonsense? Somewhere in between? Or true only for certain people?

What do you beautiful souls of ENA think?

 

This happened to me.

 

I was dating around a lot, and was feeling burnt out. A friend (who'd been married since before we met) told me that the week after she'd given up on dating, she'd met her husband. Well, I went a step better - the DAY after I decided to take a break from dating, I met my husband. It does happen.

[John John]

I'm just trying to find the balance between looking/not looking. I sometimes feel like the "not looking" strategy works better for women, simply because by default we as men have to do a lot of the initial work to make something happen. Women of course initiate too, but even today, it's not quite as common (unless we're on Bumble, lol).

 

I'm looking...but also just telling myself that it's still sorta outta my control. Without luck and the proper timing, I can make all the effort I want until I'm blue in the face, and nothing will happen. So as long as there's a balance between putting yourself out there (especially as a guy, where you really can't rely much on potentially getting hit on/approached as you live your day-to-day life), but keeping stress levels as low as possible.

[DivineDMC]

I don't know how many times I've heard this expression.

 

What do the people of ENA think of this statement? I get pretty annoyed when somebody tells me that. I've been pretty much single forever. I've gone through periods of intense searching. I've also gone through long periods where I definitely didn't look at all.

 

I understand the idea that you are more relaxed and less desperate when you aren't looking. But I also understand the idea that if you don't actively try to find something, you can't really expect it to just fall in your lap.

 

I'm actually taking a long break from looking now. Searching for somebody seems to at least put me in contact with a lot of potential people, but i tend to become very unhappy and pessimistic when I'm looking. It kinda seems to cement the belief that I'll never find anyone, that there's no match out there for me, etc. All those thoughts that tend to then prove themselves in the external reality.

 

I've taken long breaks from searching for love several times as well. I definitely am a lot happier when I give up trying to find somebody and just focus on my own life. But it sure as hell hasn't magically brought relationships or anything into my life either. If anything it's even lonelier in a way.

 

I've just started a long break now, not because I expect to find someone by doing so. If anything, the past has taught me that I'm even LESS likely to meet somebody by taking a break. But mostly because I'm a lot happier when I give up trying to find someone. Maybe some people (or just me) are just meant to be alone, and the sooner we embrace our perma-singleness, the closer we can be to achieving some sort of happiness.

 

You find love when you stop looking?

 

True? Nonsense? Somewhere in between? Or true only for certain people?

What do you beautiful souls of ENA think?

 

Hello. I stumbled across this site last week, I guess looking for some answers online, as I guess most people do who happen upon this site. I'm not quite sure what it was/is I was/am looking for, but I do know that your posted question, Reflections, spoke to me.

 

A bit of background information, since I'm new to this site.... I have been single for a while now. I separated from my husband about 8 years ago, and he passed away a year ago. So for the past 8 years or so I have been focusing on our beautiful 12 year old daughter and my career, in order to provide a comfortable life for my daughter and me. I had not been concerned with dating because I figured I'd have plenty of time for that later (not to mention I was still legally married and know I needed to resolve that situation before moving into anything else with anyone else). So fast forward to the present, where I have built a very comfortable life for my daughter and me, financially we are doing very well, and since my daughter is now in middle school and has a very active extracurricular schedule and is now enjoying age appropriate outings with her friends without me, I find myself with a lot of free time on my hands now.

 

So, I have re-entered the dating world. I feel as though I am ready, and have grown so much as a person from when I was dating in my twenties, and feel I have a lot to offer a potential mate. I am not desperate to find a man, nor do I exude desperation. I am very happy with my life and find happiness and joy in abundance in my life. Nor do I detest the idea of being alone. I rather enjoy being alone quite often, as I am grateful for the moments of solitude when I can do real self-reflection and take stock in how much I have managed to accomplish as (for all intents and purposes) a single mother, one income household, the struggle get my Master's Degree and raise such a wonderful, caring, straight-A student of a daughter. It was tough, but we survived, LOL. So I totally understand where you are coming from, Reflections, about the difference between being alone and being lonely. I have experienced being lonely, and towards the end of my marriage I felt that loneliness even while being in the same room with my husband. You can experience loneliness even while being surrounded by a crowd of people. By the same token, you can be completely alone and not feel lonely in the slightest.

 

So earlier this year I signed up for an online (paid subscription) dating service. I met quite a few people, went out on quite a few dates, but my experiences were a bit... lackluster, for lack of a better word. And just when I started thinking that maybe this whole online dating thing was a huge waste of time and effort, I met someone about 7 weeks ago. The connection was immediate (we both admitted this). He is a very kind, respectful, and chivalrous man, with a great sense of humor and a very calm demeanor. We have a lot of common interests and enjoy the same or similar types of activities. We dated for 6 weeks, and then last week he dropped a bomb on me. He told me that because of his financial situation, he would be unable to continue to date me right now as he needs to focus on his business (he is self-employed) and due to some recent developments, he realizes that he cannot afford to spend money on dates right now. I attempted to assure him that I understood, and even stated that there are tons of things we can do for dates that do not cost money, however he stood firm on his decision. He stated that it wouldn't be fair to me to wait until he was financially in a position to do things the right way with me. So I respected his decision, and as of last week, we are no longer dating. He did state that he feels lucky to have met me, and because I have been such a positive influence on his life he definitely wants to keep me in his life in whatever capacity, even as friends for now. So far, I have no reason to doubt him, or the reason he has given me for why he is unable to date me. We are still in contact every day, he always texts me asking about either how may day went, or to wish me a good day, and he invited me over to watch a movie at his house this past weekend.

 

I'm worried that he his friend zoning me though. Even though I have been told by him, and other people (both complete strangers and those who know me well) that I am a very physically attractive woman, have a very positive outlook on life and that any man would be happy to have me. Yet... once again, it still hasn't worked out for me. In the interest of honesty, I must admit that this guy is also the only guy that even made it to date # 3. Most of the guys didn't get past date # 1. It was a bit exhausting there for a moment, but I don't see the point in wasting anyone's time (mine or theirs) if it doesn't click (or I notice some red flags) after a meeting or two. As I said, I'm not desperate, so I'm not going to try to force an interest on my part just because I'm ready to stop being single. Also, just to interject on a comment you made, Reflections, about how it seems that women have men chasing them all the time… that may be true, however it really doesn’t count if the men doing the chasing are not the ones the woman would be interested in. For myself, I like rather shy, non-aggressive guys. But it’s a catch-22 because those aren’t the kind of guys who are most likely to do any sort of chasing are they? LOL, yep it kind of sucks for me.

 

But anyways, back to the subject at hand. I don't think I will find love by not looking. I have not been looking for 8 years and I am living proof that not looking does not mean you will find love. I think we should look when we are emotionally and mentally able to handle whatever the outcome may be. In other words, if looking and not finding someone will cause you to be bitter or jaded, or depressed, then stop. Because it isn't just desperation that people smell coming off other people in waves... it’s also pessimism, cynicism, and just overall negativity. So I guess... after writing my novel here, lol, I have to agree with some others who have posted here... looking or not, finding love appears to be completely random. I just hope it hurries up and randomly finds me, LOL.