"the average couple has sex less than once a month" ....read on

[rayfutz]

My Girlfriend and I are doing great. We are really at a solid point in our relationship, its not about sex holding us together... we are more solid than that. But I do enjoy the intimacy in sex and find her wildly attractive. We cuddle a lot, but there is a bonding that sharing that happens with sex. Ya know, everyone who has had sex knows what Im talking about. Its natural.

 

Here is the thing. My girlfriend is almost like trying to tell me wanting sex is not normal. Ill explain: For the first 2 months of dating, we had sex regularly (I made the mistake of using the word "regular" to her when talking about 2-3x a week we used to have) then after like 2 months sex dropped to once a month, or longer. Has been that way for like 6 months now. I got worried, so I talked to her a few days ago to see is there is any reason for the change.. and she says its purely her medications wiping out her sex drive. Antidepressants and that sorta stuff. Gotcha, I understand.

 

But.. its been almost a 6 months with hardly anything, and now she is telling me not to compare to other couples and how often they have sex. Everyone is different. She says sex at the beginning is normal cause you are all over each other, then the honeymoon ends and it dies down. I get that. But to once a month? That's not normal. Maybe once a week. Shes trying to convince me its normal, and everything else ties us together. I agree, things other than sex tie us together.... but once a month is not normal. I know its her medications, but come on don't tell me the average person only has an urge once a month. I haven't been living under a rock.. with no people around and average person input... for my whole life.

 

Anyway.. now im frustrated. I love her, but this is off. And I know she is trying to convince me its normal. What.. am I going to masturbate to a picture of my gorgeous girlfriend for the rest of my life? Thats what it sounds like she is telling me, and after 6 months with hardly anything, I don't know what to think. Anyone have any thoughts? Or experience with antidepressants and sex drive. How should I think about this? What should I say to her?

[Hermes]

No it certainly is not acceptable: once a month.

The anti-depressants are talking.

 

Time for some serious conversation.

[rayfutz]

Time for some serious conversation.

 

Such as? She's basically telling me there is going to be no sex. I dunno im just feeling kinda frusterated and depressed now. Already talked to her. Its the meds. Thats it. sex = game over for the rest of my life with her

[SooSad33]

Yes, those med's can apparently lower sex drive. and to have sex once a month with your partner isn't the norm, to my understanding...

 

At least you two are talking about it. Maybe see if things will pick up again eventually? But.. you can't 'make' anyone have sex.

[Hermes]

It's up to you, Ray.

 

I hardly think you are going to spend the rest of your life with no sex. Right?

 

Talk to the physician. See if something can also be prescribed to counter the effects of the medication.

[Wiseman2]

Rather than debate what "average" is, cut to the chase and ask if she will see a doctor about any changes in libido. Also see if the relationship is ok and the sex pressure thing is not turning her off. At 7 mos the novelty or infatuation can start to wear off so make sure things like communication, etc are going well.

 

Same girl?

[rayfutz]

Yes, those med's can apparently lower sex drive. and to have sex once a month with your partner isn't the norm, to my understanding...

 

At least you two are talking about it. Maybe see if things will pick up again eventually? But.. you can't 'make' anyone have sex.

 

I know I cant make anyone. Im not pressuring her at all. But I don't know about these meds. If she is on them, and the drive lowers, is it a done deal? I mean is that it? Just 0 drive for the rest of her life? Im confused. Sex definitely does not hold us together but a sexless relationship .. Im not sure I can even fathom that.

[Hermes]

"My girlfriend is almost like trying to tell me wanting sex is not normal"

 

Why is she depressed?

 

What is she masking?

[rayfutz]

Rather than debate what "average" is, cut to the chase and ask if she will see a doctor about any changes in libido. Also see if the relationship is ok and the sex pressure thing is not turning her off. At 7 mos the novelty or infatuation can start to wear off so make sure things like communication, etc are going well.

 

Same girl?

 

I agree. We comunicate as much as possible. Its what to say, thats why Im here. As far as 'pressure' I have never been a pressure guy. Just normal foreplay and if she is not in the mood, then we dont. 7 months I know it can wear off.. but how about at 2. Everything is not right and she is convinced herself apparently for a long time now that it is fine and normal and everyone else is wrong

[rayfutz]

"My girlfriend is almost like trying to tell me wanting sex is not normal"

 

Why is she depressed?

 

What is she masking?

 

I think cause she knows with the meds, she just doesn't have any desire, so she does not want to feel weird about it or guilty.. or make me think she is not attracted to me etc. So she is going the "sex often is not normal" rout

[dave_1966]

Citalopram kills the sex drive dead in both sexes, and I mean to the extent a guy on it could be watching the most amazing woman in the world undressing in front of him and not even have a hint of an erection. Regaining libido could take several months after stopping the drug, which you also have to wean off slowly. I should imagine a lot of these types of drugs have the same effect, it'll be in small print somewhere on the product literature. Doctors don't tell you about the side effects, and just put you on them.

 

Do a search online with the drug name, followed by 'loss of libido'. Suggest her seeing the doctor, possibly with you there to hold her hand.

[SkellyWoozle]

Depression is a terrible thing and yes, sex is the last thing on your mind when you can barely function for most of the day. If she feels that bad maybe she should see her GP about changing her meds. ... They do affect your libido, which in turn also affects your sex drive. Talk to her about how you feel as well..... It might be normal for other couples to have more sex but it just isn't her priority right now. If she can get herself better and maybe get off the meds then it can make a great difference. Hope things work out for you both X

[Hermes]

/

 

While sexual dysfunction is a frequent symptom of depression itself (and successful treatment of depression may eliminate it), antidepressant medication can sometimes worsen or even cause sexual problems. In fact, sexual dysfunction is a potential side effect of all classes of antidepressants.

 

 

 

and

 

 

[SkellyWoozle]

Citalopram kills the sex drive dead in both sexes, and I mean to the extent a guy on it could be watching the most amazing woman in the world undressing in front of him and not even have a hint of an erection. Regaining libido could take several months after stopping the drug, which you also have to wean off slowly. I should imagine a lot of these types of drugs have the same effect, it'll be in small print somewhere on the product literature. Doctors don't tell you about the side effects, and just put you on them.

 

Do a search online with the drug name, followed by 'loss of libido'. Suggest her seeing the doctor, possibly with you there to hold her hand.

 

Exactly. Whilst GP's seems to see Anti Depressants as a bit of a quick fix, they're incredibly damaging for all sorts of reasons and you're rarely told about the side effects and the trauma they can cause. Go and see a doctor to see what your options are. And I'm not just talking about the fact that your GF might get her sex drive back, but also it can be a good thing as they're ultimately not always a good thing unless monitored properly, can be addictive and detrimental to ones health and well being, especially if they're not suited to that person.

[Hermes]

Ray:

 

Not too many days ago you posted:

 

"But after the date you hardly seem to hear from her. Several days. Things she normally does daily seem to stop, such as : asking how your day is going, has the night or weekend off normally spent with you but instead wants to be alone. Zones out in watching tv or something and never really contacts you unless you contact her. Basically days go by and its like she is avoiding you."

 

There is perhaps more to all this than meets the eye, eh, Ray.

[Matt3939]

My longest relationship was with someone on depression pills. It kills sex or makes it hard for them to get going and have orgasm. Was great when she was off them but she was to unhappy. It was a compromise. I traveled a lot more for work so if I was gone for weeks or a month and came home then we had sex. When I changed jobs and was home a lot more I noticed the whole no sex stuff a lot more. What about her doing other stuff? She used to please me with her hand often hay at least it was something. Good luck

[rayfutz]

Ray:

 

Not too many days ago you posted:

 

"But after the date you hardly seem to hear from her. Several days. Things she normally does daily seem to stop, such as : asking how your day is going, has the night or weekend off normally spent with you but instead wants to be alone. Zones out in watching tv or something and never really contacts you unless you contact her. Basically days go by and its like she is avoiding you."

 

There is perhaps more to all this than meets the eye, eh, Ray.

 

Yeah she has depression, what I wrote about there concerned me but a day or two after posting everything seemed fine again. She just has up and down days and said sometimes she just likes to be alone. Ive been depressed before, so I understand the feeling completely

[rayfutz]

@matt3939 she doesnt seem to want to do other stuff. I don't usually 'get off' in other ways, feels amazing and I love it, but I think the fact that I dont tend to orgasm puts her off sometimes. I know not everyone does with the secondary stuff, does not mean I don't enjoy it cause I absolutely do, but I dont think she accepts that very much. In any case she doesnt do it very much

[hyden]

All this dialog aside, you are not compatible. Even if her incompatibility is medically induced, it is still incompatibility. Parts ways and find someone who shares similar sexual frequency as you.

[katrina1980]

rayfutz, after my parents died, I was on these meds for awhile. YES they do kill or lower libido, but they do NOT kill or lower the attraction you have for your significant other.

 

I can vouch for that as I was on those meds while with my ex and sure my actual drive/libido diminished some... but my attraction for him did not! Hardly!

 

So there was still lots of physical intimacy and sex happening based on my (and his obviously) attraction. NOT on my actual libido.

 

I am sorry, but IMO she is just no longer attracted to you sexually. This is what it all boils down to at the end of the day.

 

Your choice whether or not you wish to stay in a RL with a woman who is not attracted to you.

 

I wouldn't if the roles were flipped.

[rayfutz]

rayfutz, after my parents died, I was on these meds for awhile. YES they do kill or lower libido, but they do NOT kill or lower the attraction you have for your significant other.

 

I can vouch for that as I was on those meds while with my ex and sure my actual drive/libido diminished some... but my attraction for him did not! Hardly!

 

So there was still lots of physical intimacy and sex happening based on my (and his obviously) attraction. NOT on my actual libido.

 

I am sorry, but IMO she is just no longer attracted to you sexually. This is what it all boils down to at the end of the day.

 

Your choice whether or not you wish to stay in a RL with a woman who is not attracted to you.

 

I wouldn't if the roles were flipped.

 

Ok I just want to clarify, you mean attraction physically or sexually? She says she is very physically attracted to me, but its a low sexual urge/drive due to meds. She did not make a big deal about frequency of sex cause she did not know I was concerned about something off. I'm not sure if I'm mis-understanding you

[katrina1980]

Ok I just want to clarify, you mean attraction physically or sexually? She says she is very physically attracted to me, but its a low sexual urge/drive due to meds. She did not make a big deal about frequency of sex cause she did not know I was concerned about something off. I'm not sure if I'm mis-understanding you

 

Sexually attracted.

 

Speaking personally, I am physically attracted to lots of men (by that I mean I find them physically attractive) but I would rather slit my wrists than have sex with any of them.

 

The thought actually repulses me.

 

I am not suggesting you repulse her only that IMO if she were still sexually attracted, she would be desiring to have sex with you, based on her attraction.

[gypsybird87]

Late to this thread, but just my two cents... Her physical libido may be affected by the medication she's on, but how does that account for all her arguments and justifications that wanting regular sex in a long-term relationship is not normal? She seems to have really thought this through and is making a case for minimal to no sex, ever. I've never been on anti-depressants, but I don't understand that. Not feeling like getting busy is one thing, having a whole case against even the idea of getting busy is something else.

 

JMO but I think sexual compatibility in a relationship is just as important as every other type of compatibility. If someone has a high sex drive and their partner doesn't, that's going to lead to a constant state of pressure on one side, and disappointment on the other. Your drive is what it is and that's fine. The key is finding someone who is your match in this area, just like every other area.

 

My ex and I had a ton of sex, at least once every night we saw each other, which was usually 3-4 nights a week. For a year and a half, it never slowed down and never cooled off, even at the end. That was our "normal", and we were matched perfectly. We are in our 40's, by the way.

 

If little sex/no sex is her true mindset, anti-depressants aside, I'd think twice about a long term future, unless you're willing to settle for that.