Looking for a little advice on 19 year age gap relationship

[Tuesd4y]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible..

 

I have known my boyfriend (T) for around 18 months, officially together for around two months. I am 24 and he is 43 - I made the first move. He's funny and clever and brilliant, and I'm smitten.

In general, most people I know have been supportive and happy for us, including people that have known us separately and together. So far only one of my friends has taken issue with the relationship labelling it "icky" (worth mentioning I think that she has never met him).

 

Things that I took in to consideration before we got together were that he works very, very long hours and sometimes 7 days a week when things get busy. He certainly has a reputation as a massive flirt. He has been married, and has also been in a relationship with a similar age gap to ours before (this is relevant later on). We talked this all over and I decided that none of these things should be an issue as long as we continue to communicate openly. We also discussed similar things from his point of view regarding my past, so everyone's cards were on the table.

 

We have a fair bit in common, and honestly I don't feel that the age difference comes in to it much. We both love walking and the outdoors, have a very similar sense of humour, love to cook (and eat!) and similar taste in TV/Films. We have differences like taste in music, he's in to his cars and trucks which i'm kind of indifferent to, but i'll quite happily sit there and listen to him when he gets all exited about a new truck, watch the videos or go to showrooms with him. I love to sew and he's always telling me about local craft fairs I could go to and frequently asks to see my progress on little projects I've got going on, even though I know he probably doesn't remember what it looked like the last time he saw it. I think it's sweet.

 

Sure I don't get all his references and he doesn't get all of mine, but I think that just gives us something else to talk about.

 

Anyway

Last week I met the majority of his friends and their wives at a small function hosted by one of them. T did warn me in advance that due to the previous relationship he had had with an age difference similar to ours, they liked to make various comments about him being attracted to younger women...a lot! It didn't take long before they began and it didn't really bother me much (even when the comments started getting directed at me; self esteem issues etc), I felt it was to be expected anyway. He just kind of sat there and took it, I think it's been going on for a long time and he seems pretty sick of it. I guess being with me has just given them all a second wind of jokes.

 

Last night, T had posted something on social media (I know, I know) including me. It didn't take long for someone (who I hadn't met) to simply comment "how old is she?". Then liked by another person who doesn't know me.

 

I know I should be expecting these things but it just feels kind of disrespectful when you don't know someone to basically ridicule their relationship. It doesn't affect our relationship I don't think, but it just makes me feel a little bit sad that people are making assumptions and feeling it's appropriate to air those in public.

 

Are there red flags that I'm missing here?

Is there something I can say to shut these kind of comments down, or should I just ignore?

 

Any advice would be appreciated

 

Thank you!

[Hermes]

Tuesday.

 

All you can do is just ignore the snotty comments. I never ceased to be amazed at the bad manners people exhibit. It isn-t jokey

 

Good luck!

[Tuesd4y]

Thank you!

[Gary Snyder]

Diffuse the situation with humor and they will eventually calm down.

 

Say, "Why buy an old car when you can get a new one?! - it will go faster and last longer!"

[nao]

Commenting on your relationship/about your age in front of you it is just rude... Beside, I guess all the friends and their wives, are also in their forties, so they are probably jealous of your age!

However, it might be some reason why their friends are not taking you seriously, if somehow this happened a lot before, he picking up younger girls then breaking up soon, it might be hard for friends also keeping up with his younger girlfriends... probably for them you are just his other thing, they have seen this before, so they didn t bother to behave...

And him not doing anything about their mocking and continuing on social media, I get the feeling he is not taking you seriously either, a man in love always protects his woman, even in front of friends, if he knew how their friends are if you meant something to him, he would asked them to behave, since you are important to him... but instead you asked you to behave, not to feel offended by his friends, I guess it is obvious who are more important to him...

Just trust your feelings about this, you are on the right track...

[Alabama]

As long as you are happy with the relationship, that is all that matters. People will always their own observations and opinions on certain relationship situations. If the age difference does not bother you (and it does not seem to) then do not worry about it.

[Matt3939]

Just ignore it or make jokes. If there really your friends they will respect your decision no matter what it is. Though I'm sure they will give you there opinion at first. Good luck

[j.man]

The issue's either them or him. Running with the car analogy, my only real worry here is he might have a reputation for frequently trading in vehicles for new ones. Or he may just choose poor company.

 

Really, as far as age-gap concerns go, the comments are a pretty trivial matter. They're easy enough to ignore.

 

Assuming this relationship gets some legs, the biggest elephant in the room will be how he'd feel as you get closer to 30 and he gets closer to 50 and you decide you really want to start trying for kids.

 

You're also probably going to have to be pretty adept at making friends of your own who are closer to your age and being OK with the fact his group of friends and yours will most likely not be intermingling much. It's not a maturity gap as much as it is an experience one. Maybe it's just me as an ignorant outsider looking in, but women personality-wise seem to go through much more of a metamorphosis between their 20s and 40s than men do. It may be that while things might become more cordial, you'll never really be taken in by the women at these parties. But who knows?

[SkellyWoozle]

Ignore them. They think they're being funny and they're not. There are 15 years between myself and my SO and have been together for 8 years. They'll get over it when they realise you're amazing together and incredibly happy... maybe happier than them! Women can find any excuse to be catty. Make a joke out of it if they keep on... people don't cope well when people retort with humour! X Older men are WAAAY more sexy anyway! X

[Hermes]

Say it again, Skelly! Yay. Older men are way more sexy. And, gosh, nowadays 43 is considered young!

 

Anyhow, OP, those women at the function, there is no reason why you should have to become "friends" with them.

 

I can remember when at college (age 19) and dating for a year a man of 34. We had lots in common. And I know any number of couples where there is quite a considerable age gap and they seem to be doing all right.

[Fudgie]

I've been in a few LTRs with large age differences and you will probably always have to deal with some comments but I think as the friends see you over time, they will get to know you for you and the comments should die down. Expect to get some if you go out and eat together. I remember a couple times when I was with one of my exes, we would go out and a waitress would say "Oh, what would your grandfather like?". My ex would laugh and I learned to take some pleasure in looking people in the eye and saying "He's my partner." and watching them squirm. One waitress got so bent out of shape, she gave us over to another waiter. It was kind of funny.

 

That said, the only red flag I can see is this one: He certainly has a reputation as a massive flirt.

 

I would give you this advice even if you didn't have an age difference: be very careful. I've always steered clear of very flirty/charming men because I find that many of them seem to have loose boundaries and/or are very attention seeking and neither of these things I want to deal with. He needs to understand the importance of boundaries and adhering to them and remaining respectful to you. I would keep your eyes open. It's very early now so I doubt anything would happen now but possibly in the future. You are right to keep the communication lines open.

 

Good luck.

[SkellyWoozle]

43 is young? That'll do me! Thanks

[agent1607307371]

I know I should be expecting these things but it just feels kind of disrespectful when you don't know someone to basically ridicule their relationship.

 

But they do know the person they're directing it at. They know him.

 

Don't say anything, because if you start causing drama on sm, people will start acting as though you're immature. And really, nothing you've posted seems particularly bad.

 

One other thing I would caution is that these jokes didn't start because he had one other relationship with a much younger woman. They're a thing because he has a pattern that has become part of how his friendgroup relates to him.

[Hermes]

"We talked this all over and I decided that none of these things should be an issue as long as we continue to communicate openly. We also discussed similar things from his point of view regarding my past, so everyone's cards were on the table."

 

That's the way to keep it, Tuesday. It's good to talk, and the more open about any issues you might have, the better.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like his friends think of you as the flavor of the month because of his "reputation as a flirt" and "relationship with a similar age gap to ours before".

 

He also seems to enjoy the attention of having a much younger woman on his arm.

together for around two months. I am 24 and he is 43.He certainly has a reputation as a massive flirt. they liked to make various comments about him being attracted to younger women.He just kind of sat there and took it.

[Hermes]

"OP says:

 

"..T did warn me in advance that due to the previous relationship he had had with an age difference similar to ours"

 

So the man had one previous relationship where there was an age difference. Was he supposed to remain a monk until he met the OP.

 

I am completely unable to understand why "society" (or some members of it) get their kickers into such a twist over age differences in relationships!

 

They'd do well to look at their own relationships before commenting on those of others......

[Tuesd4y]

Thanks for your input everyone.

 

I guess I am being a bit sensitive about it, I'm sure they will get bored after a while.

[DancingFool]

His friends are who they are and if the dynamic is to joke at his expense, you are not going to step in and change that. If anything, any objection from you will end poorly for you. Best way to handle that kind of a situation is to actually join in and have fun at it. Once they see that you have a sense of humor, maturity and can take a joke at your expense, they'll like and accept you quickly. A witty, well timed remark tossed in here and there making fun of your age will actually get you further and win friends faster. If you start fighting back.....you won't win that battle......ever....because you'll just come across as immature and very insecure.

 

The only warning to you is that in jest a lot of truth may be hidden. In other words, if he has a reputation for flavor of the month type "relationships" you might want to pay attention to that and listen carefully to what the friends are saying. They might also be warning you about him and his personality at large. After you've known someone for 10-15 years, you really do know them, including when they are serious and when they aren't about someone.

[Knot2loud]

I don't see a problem. If both of you have a good relationship with each other... Who cares what others think? To me it's personal preference.

 

I wish you the best.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It may be an inside joke that he's got a new younger girl every few months or so.

The only warning to you is that in jest a lot of truth may be hidden. In other words, if he has a reputation for flavor of the month type "relationships" you might want to pay attention to that and listen carefully to what the friends are saying.

]

[Hermes]

Well, OP, you've known each other for a year and a half. So, you know him better than any of us, obviously. Where would you like the relationship to go eventually?

 

Plans?

[Tuesd4y]

That's a good point. I know I can be overly sensitive sometimes which is why I wanted advice first before doing anything.

 

None of it really bothered me too much until the low self esteem comment which I thought was a bit personal.

 

I understand what you're saying and I have thought about that myself. The thing is we have a few mutual friends, some of who have known him for 10+ years and during that time I know has had 3 relationships all of which were with women the same age or slightly younger than him. I know what it's like to have a group of friends that tease relentlessly because of one thing that you did one time.

[Hermes]

"None of it really bothered me too much until the low self esteem comment which I thought was a bit personal.

"

 

I fully agree OP.

 

That is not just bad-mannered but downright intended to hurt. A bit of light-hearted teasing is one thing, but catty remarks entirely another.

[Tuesd4y]

Well, OP, you've known each other for a year and a half. So, you know him better than any of us, obviously. Where would you like the relationship to go eventually?

 

Plans?

 

I like how things are right now, but who knows what the future holds. We're going away together in a few weeks, and his parents have invited us for dinner next month too. We're yet to have a discussion regarding the long-term of the relationship but we have discussed that neither of us want kids so that's certainly not in our future.

I have a good feeling about this, I'm just trying not to mess it up!

[Hermes]

You're doing fine, Tues.

 

You know what you want.

 

As for the cats, well, you may have heard the expression: "The lash of indifference" lol.